A Borderline Life.

Drunken beginnings.

We walked home slowly hand in hand since he lives across the street from a park.

“I had a lot of fun with you, like always Darlyn.” He said swinging our joint hands slowly.

It felt so romantic. It was dark out and getting late but thankfully I had no one to go home to anymore so I could do whatever I wanted.

“Me too. You’re really awesome to be around. I forget about stuff when I’m with you and overthink less. I really like it.” I trailed off.

“I’m glad I have that effect on you.” He said smiling.

He went in for a gentle kiss that got more and more intense. It only took me a moment before I had to pull away to breathe.

We went into the house and parted ways for the night after kissing one last time.

It’s been 2 weeks since I moved in with William. He hasn’t even mentioned once about me going apartment hunting, its like he wants me here and it feels so good.

I spend most days in the living room painting and tidying the house for him. I love art. It’s my favorite thing to get lost in. I could paint for hours and hours. Nothing can stop me. I wish it was like that in real life. Instead of always feeling stuck. When I am painting nothing else matters but the paint on the canvas.

I wish I could be an artist someday. Even a writer would be cool too. I have so much to tell, whether it’s through paint or words.

I could get carried away for hours about painting so anyways..

William and I haven’t done much more than make out with some lingering hands. I don’t know how to explain it but I just.. I want more.

But I know that that’s never going to happen because I’m too scared and I don’t even know what to do. I'm pathetic when it comes to men, not to mention it won’t get that far because he’s just going to end up leaving me. All this feels utterly too good to be true. I really like him I just have a horrible feeling that he’s going to turn out like everyone else. Abandoning me.

I’ve been painting some really awesome pictures recently. From realistic pieces to cartoon pieces. I feel good about myself today, at least that’s a plus. I feel pretty, my black eye is totally gone, my family hasn’t reached out to me and nothing has gone wrong in quite some time. It’s been.. quiet.

Just the way I like it.

‘God I need to stop thinking about him so much’ I thought to myself. ‘I am going to get too attached and it’s going to hurt me even more when he leaves me.’ Ugh. I have a point.

Maybe I should distance myself a little. I can’t make up my mind what’s best for me to do in this situation.

Did I mention I overthink?

I was painting today and I decided against distancing myself. I want to be with William. It was like an epiphany, I can’t explain it. I want him to be mine. I read somewhere that “The best thing to hold onto in life is each other.” And I never want to let him go..

I don’t know what I’m going to say to him but what I do know is that I’ll f**k up the way I do it, like I do with everything in my life. I just hope he understands how important he is to me. I don’t want anything to change or for him to end up leaving me. I’m terrified of that happening. But this is a risk worth taking.

When William came home that night I had everything planned out. I was going to work into a conversation about how much he means to me or how much I care for him and watch a movie or something normal.

I think William had other plans.

“This dude at work gave me a brand new bottle of vodka!!! I haven’t had a drink in ages!! Wanna have some with me? We are always so serious. Let’s have some fun.”

I stopped. The only person I ever drank with was Sam. That made me sad. I was nervous. Other than Sam who was like my sister nobody had ever seen me drunk or even drinking before. William will be the only other person. What if I make an ass of myself? I’ve only drank like 3 times in my life. 'What if I embarrass myself and can never see him again? I’ll have to move out and be alone and oh my god!!'

Okay. I’m overthinking.

“Sure, sounds like fun” I said hesitantly.

He noticed my caution and told me I didn’t have to if I didn’t want to. About peer pressure and s**t.

Ha.

“No I’m good. Let’s have fun tonight.” I said.

We opened the bottle and poured ourselves a tall glass with coke and vodka in each.

We started talking about anything and everything. From our families to our bucket lists. It was so so much fun. I’m really happy we did this because I ended up telling him exactly what I wanted to.

“I know this is weird but I really want to ask you something else if that’s okay? It’s a bit more serious then our childhood pets”

I was screaming in my head. Wow. I’m really telling him.

“Sure, of course. Anything you want.” He smiled.

“We talked about it before. But I really like you. I was wondering if you would be willing to give me and you a shot someday?”

I’m numb waiting for an answer.

“Like be a couple? Me and you? I’m sorry, I kind of thought we already were. Like but we just weren’t putting labels on it.” He said sheepishly.

“Oh. Well then. Forget I said anything.” I giggled.

Well…I guess I have a boyfriend now.

That was… easy?