A Forbidden Love

It was a warm summer's evening when I first saw him outside playing soccer with his friends on the complex grounds. I didn’t know it, but I would soon come to realize that this was the guy that would give me a new lease on life. A fresh start to the way that I thought and felt. That would challenge me. In all the most stimulating ways. The guy that I would soon be drawn to like a moth to a flame. The one that would start to replace the ones before, even if it was just in my wildest fantasies. The connection felt instantaneous, and distant. Almost like a remembering of a vague dream. A connection that I knew was there but that I didn’t want to admit to. A connection that I would try to avoid at all costs until I couldn’t avoid or deny it any longer. A little like two star crossed lovers, the accidental crossing of paths. But then again, no meeting in this world is by accident. The young man was tall, with lean muscle, succulent kissable lips. With dark skin and jet-black hair, Vikings haircut. His sent sweet like honeydew, floating to me on the soft cool summer breeze. Intense dark brown eyes that a girl can get lost in. While my patchy – tan, white ass can only admire from a safe distance. It’s not to say that I am ugly or anything, I just have never really had the best viewpoint of myself. Plus being a single mother in her early thirties. With two failed long-term relationships under her belt. I sound and feel like such a catch - Yes humor and sarcasm are my defense mechanisms Him standing there with a cheeky sexy smile that could light up the world. His voice with a pleasant bass and South African Indian accent were enough to send my brain into a fog and ignite a pleasurable pressure between my thighs. A feeling that I never thought that I would feel again. “Hey” he said casually to me while kicking the ball to his friend, who was waiting in anticipation for the pass. After which, making direct eye contact with me and flashing a devilish smile. “Hey” I just managed to get out, with some effort, and a unsure smile. “How are you doing?” he continued with the pleasantries without skipping a beat. I, on the other hand, forgot how to communicate. “Umm, yea, I’m good thanks and you?” Umm, yea? What the F! Who says umm, yea? Wake up Vanessa, get a grip! “Did you have to think about that one?” he replies jokingly “I’m good thanks” another devilish smile flashes across his face. “Apparently I had to,” I said slightly embarrassed. I had completely forgotten how to communicate with a guy. After the last one, which lasted nearly a decade. I had fallen into a rut, a rhythm of communication with him. I had now completely forgotten how to converse with another man. Not like I was any good at it throughout my life. Still, I felt like I had taken a few steps back. “Hey Mom!” a sweet familiar voice called out. “This is Nathan and William” my son said as he pointed to the tall, handsome Indian and shorter stouter African boy respectively. “Hi my angel. Hi guys nice to finally meet you” I managed to get that one out. Look at that, maybe I just need some practice. They both greeted back and smiled in unison. Distracting myself with my phone, I wasn’t paying attention to my surroundings. “Goal!” Nathan shouts as the soccer ball slams against the side of the small jungle gym, I had perched myself on. “s**t!” I exclaim, startled. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to do that, but you are sitting in the goal post” he said amused at my reaction. “Give me a sec” I say as I start to make my way off the jungle gym. I make my way over to a bench under a tree. It doesn’t feel quite as safe, cozy, and comforting as my first seat, but hey. It beats getting hit by a ball. There’s not a cloud in the baby blue sky, as night-time slowly starts to descend. The kicking of the soccer ball, the cheers when there’s a goal, the birds in the sky. The intoxicating smell of honeydew. The blue-sky fading turns darker to reveal the moon and stars. I finally feel like I am beginning to live in the moment. Slowly starting to forget the trauma and toxicity of the man before. At last, I feel as if I am living in the present moment, even if it is just for the moment. Not dwelling on the past, not fearing the future. Just being present in this moment. What an amazing moment it is. All my senses heightened. Taking in everything that is. How much of life have I missed being stuck in the mental paralyzing limbo of depression and anxiety. I don’t want to think about that one too much, that is just going to break my heart. Far too many years and moments that I can never get back – That’s my regret. When night has finally settled in, and it’s time to start heading back to our flats. I call the guys. “I think that maybe it’s time to start heading home?” I called out. “I’m sure that your parents would appreciate it if you got home sooner rather than later, and Mike has to get up early tomorrow.” “Goal!” William shouts out, as he makes the final goal for the evening. “Okay guys let’s go” Nathan, the oldest out of three says, while grabbing the soccer ball, they all three turn as one, to face me. “Mom, can we go around the long way?” Mike asks with a broad smile “Sure” whatever that means. Not realizing that one way one to the flats was slightly longer than the other. I was just going to go with it. Walking with the three, it only now dawns on me. Three different cultures, yet they have found a flow. They have their own vibe, their own energy, their own rhythm. Putting their differences aside, and just enjoying each other’s company, just being. Finding commonalities and embracing them. A profoundly heartwarming moment for me to experience. We walk William home first, as his door is the first stop on the long way round. Saying our goodbyes. We start to make our way to the next stops. Slowly walking through the parking lot. Nathan and Mike talking about school, the soccer game, girls. I’m in my own bubble once again, not fully immersed in the moment, still listening to the chatter though. Once again not paying attention to my surroundings, this time to how close Nathan and myself are walking to each other. The softest brush of our arms, sparks electricity. Goosebumps cover my body, and I am drawn back into the present moment. I, being a shorty, have no choice but to look up at him. Making eye contact with those eyes again. It feels like I am falling into an abyss. Sinking into the depths of the ocean. His lips forming a sly smile that carries my feelings away to a forbidden realm. He really is a very handsome young man. It takes me a moment longer than what it should have to catch myself staring at him. I give a little smile back and I look away, trying my best to not make it obvious that I just felt something. I’m not sure what I felt. I just know that there was something. Did he feel something too? Is this just all in my head? Is this another toxic situation? What is going on? Is there something wrong with me? More than likely,Yes. Still, more questions were left unanswered. Fantastic, just what I need another rabbit hole to fall into. Parting ways at the end of the parking lot, two sets of stairs on either end. One leading to Nathan's front door. The other leading to mine and Mike’s. We say our goodbyes and go our separate ways. When standing at our front doors we have a clear view of each other. After unlocking mine, I turn to see Nathan has looked back at us. We wave and smile at one another, before heading in for the night. I toss and turn the whole night unable to switch my mind off long enough to drift off to sleep. I can’t stop thinking about the "boy next door". His magnetic eyes, his mouth, honeydew sent. Eventually in the early hours of the morning I concluded that I am nuts, tired, old, and I am slowly starting to lose my mind. Not the healthiest conclusion, but one that makes the most sense. The next few nights pass much like the first night did. The touch of his hand with every “accidental” brush, is enough to send shivers up my spine. To spark a curiosity within me. To undo the trauma of what came before. It feels like electricity, other-worldly and home simultaneously. It is the rush of the forbidden and the dreams of something more. But alas it is not meant to be. Nathan Ramani, cultural differences with a 16-year age gap, the odds are stacked against us. There is always the fantasy though of what could have been. Had our paths been a little different. Oh, to get lost in a daydream with him. I get lost in his dark brown eyes; they suck me in every time. I’ve tried so hard not to drown under his intense sensual gaze, but I cannot resist. Not only is he handsome, but he is so smart, charming, and funny. 17, he looks and acts older than his age. Yet when he looks at me, it’s as if the whole world stops. My brain turns to mush, my senses are heightened, my body craving to be touched. My mind and soul wanting to be explored by him. The summer sun heats every square inch of the flat, the outdoors, and myself. There was no escaping it, no escaping the dream. A cold plunge would help, I run the cold water into the bath, stripping down naked, visions of my dream flash to mind once again. His one hand cupping my breast and his fingers teasing my n****e. While his other hand presses my pelvis to his. I am against the wall while he is kissing my neck, my collar bone, working his way down. His mouth on my free n****e sucking, nibbling and teasing it to erection. His hand leaves my lower back and finds its way between my legs. I shake my head, trying desperately to erase the pictures flashing in my mind. Stepping into the cold water I immediately begin to feel better. A welcoming contrast to the heat. Immersing my entire body into the cool water, sending pleasurable shivers through me. Cooling me down. After soaping myself down with coconut body wash, I rinse off and make my way out of the bath, dry off and put on a little pretty summer dress. This should keep me cool - hopefully. Now to go outside and find some shade. I grab my water bottle and head to the front door only to be greeted by Nathan. An instantaneous smile forms, as he slowly looks me up and down. "Good morning" he greets me "Good morning" I say back smiling, while trying not to show any trace of my intrusive thoughts. A slight blush colouring my cheeks is enough for me to turn my head. "Mike!" We both call out simultaneously. The next moment, my bright blue eyed boy is standing next to me, grinning widely, soccer ball in hand. "William is already waiting, let's go" Nathan tells Mike. Once down stairs I start making my way through the parking lot; to the field to find some shade under the willow trees, by the creek that seperated the complex/property into two sides. The whole place though is a beautiful little community. Everyone knows everyone. Apart from three families, everyone is pleasant, warm and friendly to each other. Walking through the parking lot, the two boys run up behind me. "What's the rush, trying to get away from us?" Nathan teases. I smile and giggle a little "No, just trying to find some shade" I say as I carry on looking at the floor. Nathan puts his hand out in front of me, stopping my walking. "Car" that's all that he says. "Thank you" I say looking up at him. Those eyes, holding my gaze for longer than what is appropriate. Our hands brush again as he lowers his to his side. Maintaining eye contact, expressing primal feelings in words unspoken. We carry on making our way to the field. Seeing William, greetings are exchanged. I then leave the three boys to walk to the willow trees and creek. The soccer ball passes just past me, and then so does Nathan. A cheeky smile, and look in his eye. Before I know the three of them are following me so that they can play soccer on the other side of the creek where I usually sit under the willow tree. I lay down staring up at the thick green lumps of leaves, shielding me from the sun. I hear the birds in the trees, the water rushing by, the boys playing. Everything feels just right. A happy and pleasurable shiver makes its way through my body. My senses are all awakened again, and I love this feeling. I could stay in this moment forever.