Alsina is My Weakness

Chapter Two: Nostalgia

9:30pm

I was giving myself a headache thinking about August. It literally hurt to think of him.

I wash my dishes and head to bed.

While in bed, I reach over to my nightstand and grab sleeping pills.

These have been my best friends lately.

I take two and lay down, hoping I can fall asleep before my mind gets the chance to wander.

As I waited for sleep to consume me, I tried to prevent myself from overthinking.

It was silent except for the faint ticking of the clock that hung on my wall.

I hated hearing that godforsaken sound. It kept me conscious of how fast my life is actually going by.

How fast life is fleeting. How evanescent moments are.

Every time that clock ticked, the less time I had to live.

I literally listened to me wasting my time.

Time is too transient to waste it being alone and unhappy. And yet that's exactly what I'm doing.

By keeping myself away from him, I'm hurting myself.

But if I go to him, and he no longer wants me, I'll die.

If I go to him, and he doesn't remember me, I'll die.

If I go to him, and he rejects me, I'll die.

I guess I'm afraid. Afraid of the unknown. I pray that he's the same person I fell in love with in New Orleans.

But if he is not. And if he has changed. If he no longer wants me. And if he rejects me. It will kill me slowly but in my mind the words of Alfred Lord Tennyson will echo:

"'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all."

I suppose...

August

I don't know why I do this to myself. Every time I perform in New York City I search the f*****g crowd for her.

I guess somewhere inside my mind, I still possess that little bit of faith I should have let go a long time ago.

I still want to believe that wherever she is, wherever she is laying her head tonight, she still misses a nigga.

She still feels the same way she did when she wrote that poem.

While on stage I performed. If I can be honest, I wasn't really focused. I wasn't feeling it tonight. My mind was somewhere else.

My mind was on her constantly.

I didn't think I could finish the show with how unfocused I was but fortunately I got through it.

After the show, I was physically and mentally exhausted. I couldn't wait to get back to the hotel to get some f*****g sleep.

11pm

I laid in bed exhausted as hell but I couldn't go to sleep.

I can't go to sleep knowing that she's out here somewhere.

We're in the same city, breathing the same f*****g air and I can't find her.

I leave tomorrow and all I want to do is see her.

I just wanna see her.

I miss her. I'm tired of not having her in my life. Everything just seems like a blur without her.

I'm tired of f*****g around. A different girl in my face every night, spontaneous ménages, this s**t ain't fun no more.

It never been fun, I just needed a distraction.

But I can only distract myself for so long.

So tomorrow before I leave, I'll try again. One more goddamn time.

...

May

3 am

I had woken up three times prior to waking up now. My sleeping patterns were becoming horrid.

I couldn't sleep well even with the sleeping pills. This is getting bad.

I think I'm becoming an insomniac.

I put my hand under my bed and searched for my bottle of Hennessy.

There wasn't much left so I drank from the bottle. As I sipped I started to realize how dependent I'm becoming on alcohol and soporific drugs.

Such a bad combination. I could very well kill myself doing this but I continued to sip.

This sadness I'm in is quickly turning into depression. These sleepless nights are turning me into a chronic insomniac. This Hennessy is turning me into an alcoholic.

Five years. Five years of straight hell.

I purposely let the glass bottle slip out of my hand and let it shatter on the floor.

The lunar light escaping my bedroom window hit the shards of glass perfectly, creating a beautiful mess.

A beautiful mess, I believe my mind is in that state.

A beautiful mess, I believe my soul is in that state.

I dangled my feet over my bed, watching them slowly as I let them hit the ground one after the other.

I made sure to avoid stepping on the glass.

I then knelt and began talking to our Heavenly Father.

"I need guidance Father. I believe I am at one of the lowest points in my life. It is because I am lonely. I know you gave Adam Eve so he wouldn't be alone. Father, I no longer want to be alone either. If I may ask, if it is meant to be, if he still loves me, could you bring August to me? Even if it is for only a moment. I miss him Father. I love him Father. Please, will you bring him to me? In Jesus' name, amen."

I then returned to my bed, leaving the glass on the floor. I stared at it until my vision became blurry.

Sleep was taking over me.

I let it happen.

...

9am

I awoke feeling significantly better than yesterday. I got up from my bed and nearly stepped on the glass that was still on my floor.

I then got back on my bed and got up from the other side.

After sweeping the glass up and disposing of it. I poured Fury some milk in his bowl and I ate a simple bowl of cereal.

It's Saturday, so I have no classes but I do have to work.

I write editorials for a local magazine.

It's sort of boring but it pays well and I can work from my apartment. Plus I have a penchant for writing so it just makes sense to do it.

I opened my laptop and began to write.

6:30pm

I was awaken by my phone vibrating violently. I looked around and I had fallen asleep at my kitchen counter while writing the editorial.

I sighed and then answered my phone.

"Hello Brittanie. What's up?", I asked lowly.

"I just called to tell you that the concert last night was everything. I swear August is perfect."

I chuckled a bit. "Well I'm glad you had fun."

"Yeah and I'll have fun again tonight.", she said.

"What do you mean?", I asked.

"He's performing again tonight at eleven. It's sort of a last minute thing. He said that he wanted to perform here one last time before he left. It's free for us, you should come."

I thought about what she said. "Why is it free for us?"

"It's free for all college girls specifically. So you should definitely go.", she said.

I hesitated. I started having second thoughts about seeing him.

"I don't know Brittanie. I have to finish this editorial by ten."

"May...you've got time. Finish that damn article and come with me. This is August Alsina we're talking about! I will literally come to your apartment and drag you out the door.", she said.

I thought about it. Maybe I need to see him one more time. Just to get him out of my head. Maybe I just need closure from him.

"Okay. I'll go."

...

10:30

We were waiting outside a Manhattan Venue to be let in. Thanks to Brittanie, we were first in line. There were so many girls here. I started feeling claustrophobic.

A few moments later they let us in after we showed them our school IDs.

As we walked in, I examined the venue. It was quite small so I know there are going to be a lot of girls that can't get in because of the lack of space.

I find it odd that August would just do a last minute performance at a small venue like this.

I glance at Brittanie who looked to be in utter excitement.

"I can't believe we're in the front row.", she said nearly screaming.

"Why can't you believe it? You made us leave two hours early.", I said slightly amused.

She flashed me a toothy grin and screamed again when the lights dimmed.

I kept my eyes on the stage.

Moments later he walked out.

I see that the Lord has blessed this man even more over the years. He just looks...

I don't know, words don't do him justice.

Brittanie squealed while I kept my eyes on him.

He took a seat on the stool that was on the stage and quickly scanned the room with his eyes.

He began to scan the front row when two girls went wild and tried to jump on stage.

The security quickly stopped them and threatened to kick them out.

My eyes returned back to August who looked slightly disappointed.

Nevertheless he began to sing when the music played.

It was instant nostalgia as I listened to him sing. I reminisced about my younger days in New Orleans.

I continued to stare at him and then suddenly we made eye contact.

He looked a bit shocked. He even stopped singing for a moment.

But eventually he continued.

August

All these faces. People singing along. Hands up, people swaying back and forth. I continued to sing as I watched this one particular girl stare back at me.

I damn near forgot the words to my own song, this girl had me too messed up. I've never been this damn nervous before.

When I finished my performance I thanked everyone for coming out.

As I was talking, I saw her walk out the side doors of the venue quickly.

A nigga almost lost his mind. How she just gonna walk out like that?

I left the stage and walked backstage and out the side doors.

I was in a damn alleyway when she accidentally ran into me.

I stared down at her and she stared up at me. I was lost for words.

She broke the stare and nibbled on her lip a bit, then she brushed passed me. I turned around to watch her walk away from me.

I don't know why but rage took over me. I grabbed her arm roughly and turned her around. I clenched my jaw and stared down at her as she glared at me breathing heavily.

I calmed down a bit and tried to caress her face but she moved my hand quickly.

I stared at the angry beautiful girl that stood before me.

I looked at her lips. I wonder if she's been putting them to use lately.

I wanna kiss her.

She probably hates me and all I want to do is kiss her. I never had an urge this strong before. I want to kiss the f**k outta her.

Damn. Let me kiss you. Let me kiss you May.

I look at her, I can see the vulnerability in her eyes still. I wonder what she wants. I recall a time when a nigga always knew what the pretty girl wanted. A nigga practically read her mind.

I kept her happy that way.

I stared at her some more as she seemed to be getting upset. Her eyes began to water, her lip quivered slightly, and then she looked away from me.

Fuck, I made the pretty girl cry. I pulled her into my arms and she tried to escape my hold, which made me hold her even tighter. Fighting was no use to her, I wasn't gonna let her go.

After a while she relaxed and caressed my arms. She traced the tattoos on my arms and looked up at me. Her eyes sparkled slightly, "Hello August."

I looked at her. I haven't heard her sweet sultry voice in five years. So hearing it now made me mentally clumsy. All the emotions I once felt for her came rushing back instantly.

Every f*****g emotion.

The emotions were strong, they almost put me in a trance.

I stared down at the beautiful girl I once claimed as mine.

"Hello, May."