Alsina is My Weakness

Chapter Three: God Still Loves Us

May

I stared up at him silently. I was in perfect happiness. For just a moment, I was in a state of true bliss. While in his arms, for a moment, I knew my place in the world. It's a beautiful feeling, that unfortunately only lasted for a quick second.

And then reality hits.

Logic comes into play.

This is just not going to work.

I look up at him and then back down. I don't know what to say to him. So much has happened. We lost so much time. There are so many things I want to share with him. So many stories I want to tell him.

"I missed you.", he said lowly while gazing at me.

"I missed you too", I said even lower than him avoiding eye contact.

It didn't take long for silence to plague us. I had to break the stare between us a couple times. It's hard for me to make eye contact with him now.

He caressed me a bit. I know that he just wants me to talk to him but I can't. I'm not trying to hurt him. I just don't know what to say to him.

I knew I was frustrating him but he didn't show it. He is always patient with me, even when I don't deserve his patience.

I looked up at him once more and felt completely weak.

I wrapped my arms around him as tight as I could. "August, I missed you so much. I'm so glad you're here with me right now.", I said burying my face into him.

He held on to me tightly as we stood in a drab NYC alleyway.

The loud noises of taxis and trains, the lights that lit up the city,

and the crimes that were probably being committed right now,

didn't matter to me at this moment.

Him and I matter.

Where we're going from here matters.

Love matters.

Love holds the light of the world. There'd be mass destruction without it.

He continued to gaze at me and I at him.

...

1am

It was hell trying to get August here without anyone noticing, but we did it.

The loud noises of taxis and trains, the lights that lit up the city,

and the crimes that were probably being committed right now,

didn't matter to me at this moment.

Him and I matter.

Where we're going from here matters.

Love matters.

Love holds the light of the world. There'd be mass destruction without it.

He continued to gaze at me and I at him.

...

1am

It was hell trying to get August here without anyone noticing, but we did it.

I invited August back to my apartment. Even if he can't stay for long, I want to confine him in my home so it'll be just him and I for a moment. I don't have to share him with the world in my home.

"This is nice, I like it. It fits you.", August stated while looking around.

"Thank you.", I said while looking at him. "Would you like something to drink August?"

"Nah. I'm good. Thank you though.", he said.

I nodded and then walked in my room quickly. I scurried over to my mirror and observed myself.

The humidity outside had made my hair frizzy and unruly. I sighed and searched my dresser for a hair tie.

I put my hair up and then walked back into the living room where August was.

I walked over to sit with him on the couch. I held his hand and laid my head on his shoulder as we sat in complete silence.

It was needed silence though. My thoughts were loud enough, I didn't need any extra sound. My mind was wandering recklessly. Silence helped me sort out my thoughts.

I gazed out of my living room window watching an airplane slowly grace the night sky and then disappear.

I began to wonder what August wanted. I wondered what sort of relationship he wants with me. But he interrupted my thoughts when he spoke.

"You wanna know something?", he asked.

"Yes.", I said lowly.

He hesitated slightly.

"I still love you.", he said.

I trembled slightly at his words. Love has so much power as a spoken word. Especially when it comes from August. His words always resonate with me on an emotional level. The power it possesses frightens me at times.

"I still love you too August.", I said truthfully.

I looked at him. He had an expression on his face that I did not recognize.

He then kissed me, making me feel like that timid sixteen year old girl I once was.

"I'm sorry for leaving you. I ain't intend to be away from you for that long.", he admitted.

I held his hand again. "Don't apologize to me. You did nothing wrong. I'm so proud of you for accomplishing so much."

He smiled slightly but it quickly disappeared. I gazed at him, wondering why he seemed so unhappy.

And then silence fell upon us.

I rested my head on him again. "What time are you supposed to leave?", I asked.

"Soon.", he said.

"Oh.", I said feeling disappointed.

I had no time to discuss anything important with him.

About a half an hour passed and August was getting ready to leave. We exchanged numbers and then

I walked with him towards the front door.

"Bye August."

He pulled me into a hug and held me for a moment.

He kissed me. "Bye May."

I closed the door slowly behind him and sighed.

I thought that seeing him would make me feel better but it didn't.

Me seeing him only reinforced the notion that this will never work.

I can't be with him. His lifestyle doesn't permit that.

I went to shower and then I headed to my bedroom. I sat up in my bed with my head rested on the headboard and my unruly hair freed.

I tried to clear my head of all thoughts as I listened to the music of FKA Twigs and Sza. Their music seemed to place me in a hypnotic state.

Music tends to ease the mind of a maniac like me.

I'm so frustrated.

Emotionally frustrated, mentally frustrated, even sexually frustrated...

Before the music took me to a dark place and before the bottle of Hennessy came out, I heard a knock at my door.

I glanced at the time and wondered who'd be knocking at my door at this time.

I slowly walked over and reluctantly opened my door. I was surprised to see August standing there. He looked as if he were getting ready to board a plane because of all the bags he had.

I let him in then closed the door behind him. He didn't say anything he just dropped his things and kissed me, letting his hands feel all over me.

I didn't complain, I liked it.

After a moment, I broke the kiss and looked up at him, "August, I thought you had to leave."

"I had to but I didn't want to.", he said then continued kissing on me again.

His actions evoked pleasant memories in my mind. I remember August leaving hickeys on the sides of my neck as I laid down with my eyes closed. I remember being too bashful to tell August what I really wanted when he was pressed against me. My once innocent mind plagued with the desires of a young girl and her first love.

I pulled away from him a bit and grabbed his hands. "August it's the early hours of the morning. You must be exhausted. You need to rest. Come, lay with me."

He had taken a shower and then joined me in my room. When he walked in I was studying proverbs of the bible.

He laid next to me and I kissed him. I've been waiting for that moment for five years.

I then took off my glasses and turned off the lamp. I laid down and he pulled me close to him.

I stared at him for a moment, with him staring back at me. It was dark but there was just enough light for me to see him.

"I'm glad you're here.", I said to him lowly.

"Me too ma. I started to think you were hiding from a nigga.", he said seriously.

"Well if I can be honest August, I was... trying to avoid you.", I said lowly.

He furrowed his eyebrows. "Why?"

I hesitated. "Because I was afraid that you moved on. I was also afraid that you and I couldn't be together even if we wanted to.."

He remained silent.

"I'm actually still afraid of that. ", I continued.

He stared at me. "It's not impossible. We'll make it work.", he said reassuring me.

I smiled slightly. "Okay August."

"Get some sleep.", we said to each other simultaneously.

I smiled. "I love you August."

"I love you too.", he said before closing his eyes.

I know he had to be really exhausted.

I closed my eyes and let myself drift into a desperately needed deep sleep.

...

6 am

I awoke out of my sleep to make sure August hadn't disappeared. Thankfully, he still laid on the left side of my bed in a deep sleep.

The sun was not yet in the sky so I moved closer to him and closed my eyes again.

I was thankful to God to be graced with his presence.

God does wonderful things.

God still controls my life.

God still cares.

And whether we choose to acknowledge it or not,

God still loves us.