Selfish

I had given him everything and didn't realize that I was leaving myself nothing. He had built a support group with friends and family while I had slowly cut back on who I confided in until there was no one. I confided only in myself and by writing out my thoughts. No one was my confidant and no one would understand how I had come to be here without years of back story. In my head, I had no choice. I had told myself that confiding in others about our relationship was a betrayal to my husband. It would make them see him differently. My relationships had become surface level only. I found out he was texting a coworker, how perfect he thought she was, how lucky her boyfriend was, how much he would like to cuddle up next to her. This was the same man who told me he hated to be touched. He told her he had never felt this way about someone before. When I confronted him, told him we could work on our marriage like we had been doing, if he blocked her and let her know their relationship could be professional only, he refused. I told him that meant we were over, if he wouldn't agree to stop talking to her as more than a coworker. He understood what I meant. The next morning, after I spent a sleepless night on the couch, he bought her and the rest of his team Starbucks. I got an app notification from our bank account. I made it through my first meeting of the day without breaking down and crying. I wanted to die. To stop being. To not be 6 months pregnant and tied to this man with two other children, a house, and animals we both loved as part of the family. To be able to stop sobbing. To not need to work and pretend everything was fine to coworkers and to the kids. I had stayed up most of the night after finding out, after waking him up to tell him I knew about the messages, and it wasn't helping my mental state. I spent most of the night lying in bed remembering things that had happened recently and reconsidering them in this new context. How I had offered to drop off his dry cleaning the day she had texted him she wanted to cuddle and he had told her he wished he could too. How he had told me a month ago, and before he knew her, that he thought he should move out for a bit so that we could both heal from things we had done to each other in this marriage. But then told me a few days later he wasn't sure if he really wanted to move. But how he had set an appointment and looked at apartments two weeks ago and never mentioned it to me. He came home and we had s*x that night. He told me she would be a good partner. Something I was not. I was selfish. And lazy. And I would have forgiven him and worked to better if he had blocked her and agreed to keep working on us. I told him not to call me while he was at work today, but I've spent the whole morning wishing he would. I don't know if I'd ignore the call or answer and hear him out. Or answer and just yell at him. I wanted to beg him to stay with me. But how can I do that if he won't even stop talking to her? He isn't even choosing me on the most basic level. 1ish He isn't going to call me. I asked him not to and he doesn't want to fix this. He likes this other girl and she told him she likes him too. And he's frustrated with me. And angry at me. And I think he's been out of love with me for a while and just going through the motions. He doesn't want to fix this. He wants to move on. He's not going to call me. Almost 5 He didn't call. Like I asked. I'm not surprised but still sad. I asked him not to call. I painted my nails, ordered pizza for dinner, and started some laundry. I feel empty. I feel like I'm going to start crying again at any moment but it hasn't quite started back up yet. I want to go to bed and be done with today. And this week. I can't focus. And that's probably a lot to do with the lack of sleep last night. 8:40 He's home now. The kids are both up and I'm about to fall asleep. I have so much anxious energy running around in me and I think it's the only thing keeping me up at the moment.