The Silent Sorrow (GXG)

20. I would miss that more than anything

Day 3 and Dandy and I are standing out on the porch in the evening. Dandy is staring at the sky, where a full moon is now lighting everything up. Dandy's face is easy to see and she smiles as she watches me. It's not the same smile she had on her face when she was looking up at the sky. The one she is wearing now is even brighter and it suits her so much that it even makes me smile.

"Dandy?" I ask nervously and look down as I feel the heat wants to come to my cheeks, but it's too cold for it to happen. She is just staring at me the same way, waiting for me to say something more than just her name. However, I sigh disappointedly with myself for giving up. It's so scary to tell Dandy what I feel when for the first she does not talk and for the second she has a dark secret that she is hiding from me. So what have fallen for?

"Nothing." I try to smile, but Dandy notice that something is wrong. She always does. There is a concern in her eyes as she takes a step closer to me. I feel the tension in my stomach with her being so near. Dandy looks down at me, searching my whole face for a trace of just anything. Then her eyebrows raise, she watches me with her puppy, begging eyes. That look makes me struggle to breathe, but.

"No," I say as I push her on the collarbone, forcing her to take a step back.

"You can't look at me like that." I say which makes her eyes drift down as she clenches her teeth. The sadness on her face is just turning it even worse. My vulnerability is Dandy. She can make everything inside of me surrender. I close my eyes and sigh.

"I'm sorry, but Dandy I like you a lot," She watches me again with softness.

"And when I mean a lot, it's too much for it to be as in friends. I want you Dandy, but I really shouldn't." I admit to her and I feel my heart beat so fast in my chest of all the words I just said. She is just staring at me with her eyes narrowed and clenched teeth. Still, she is not talking to me and that hurts. There is nothing written on her face as well. Nothing that can tell me that she is feeling anything about what I just said.

"Look, Dandy this might change everything and I can see that you don't like me the way I like you, which is okay, but I don't know how long I can manage to bear this feeling for you." I say, and take a deep breath to try to prevent the tears to come out of my eyes.

"I mean that being your friend and have feelings for you is not easy." I explain. I don't know what is going on in Dandy's mind right now, because she is blank. I can't see anything on her face and I usually do.

"Umm, okay. I am just going to let that sink in for you," I itch my forehead.

"As I get back inside." I tell and just leave Dandy alone in the cold night. I sit down next to mom on the couch, who smile right away and I rest my cheek on her shoulder.

Maybe I shouldn't have told Dandy anything since she just stood there. She is still standing there watching the beautiful sky. Now I feel horrible for leaving her and that she didn't react the way I wanted to.

I wish she had at least shook her head or nodded. On the other hand, just simply stared at me with soft eyes just as she did before I told her. This is not going to end so well is it? I just lost everything I had with Dandy and it breaks my heart to think about that. I might never lie in her arms again and she would probably never touch me, the only way she can. I would miss that more than anything in this world.