Only Four Desire

Chapter 6

The sun was high in the sky, the heat unforgiving, even though it was only ten in the morning. Exhaling heavily, Roxie used her shirt to wipe at the sweat that seemed to roll off every inch of her face and into her eyes, making them sting.

“Remind me again who thought this was a good idea?” she asked. Seriously, Roxie had no idea why she’d listened to her brother.

She gave said brother a glare, but Benjamin merely chuckled and continued walking. “A walk is always a good way to de-stress,” he said.

“Not when I can practically feel my skin turn to crisp.” Despite her protest, Roxie forced her legs forward a little faster until she caught up with her brother.

Benjamin snorted. “See what happens when you get used to the pampered life of a car? You can’t even walk a short distance without whining like a little old lady.”

The short distance, which turned out to be a seven-kilometer trek in the sun, of course. It was so hot, Roxie was sure the pavement under their feet was attempting to melt the soles of their shoes, which would explain why she had such a hard time lifting her legs.

Thank God, she hadn’t brought Josiah along for this torture. Leaving him with her parents while she walked over to her old friend, Zinnia’s house, with Benjamin hadn’t been easy, especially when her mother hadn’t wasted the opportunity to remind Roxie that being back home didn’t mean she got to leave her son with them so she could gallivant like a headless chicken in the streets.

Roxie pushed the memory back into the special box she kept in her head for all the hurtful or offending things her mother said that she really didn’t mean. The box was almost bursting at the seams, but she made it work and quickly returned her focus on Benjamin just in time to catch the tremor in his hands before he shoved them into his pockets.

As though sensing her eyes on him, Benjamin turned and caught her gaze. Roxie didn’t say anything, knowing he didn’t like it when she brought it up, but she still gave his hidden hands a look before meeting his gaze again.

“It’s nothing,” Benjamin immediately said, sounding as defensive as she’d expected.

Roxie bit back the words that threatened to spill out. They all had their own demons to deal with, and at times like this, Roxie feared that Benjamin’s demons were winning. But he didn’t want to talk about it, and him being the only person in her corner right now, she selfishly didn’t want to push him away by upsetting him.

So, instead, she changed the topic. “How’s your girlfriend? What’s her name… Em?”

“We broke up.”

“What?” Roxie’s steps faltered at the unexpected news. “Why? You said you loved her. Weren’t you guys already buying curtains and pillows for your dream house or something?”

Benjamin shrugged and refused to say a word, which worried Roxie and made her push for an answer. “Ben?”

Looking irritated, Benjamin shot her a glare. “You of all people should know picture perfect isn’t always what it is.”

“Meaning? What was wrong?”

Completely abandoning any pretense of walking, he turned and faced her. “Roxie, have I asked you questions as to why your marriage failed?”

Roxie’s spin stiffened at the word ‘failed’. She gritted her teeth together. “There was no need to. I told you all why I left Elias.” It hadn’t been the worst family dinner they’d ever had, but it certainly ranked at the top of the list.

Benjamin arched a brow at her. “I bet there are many things you didn’t mention and would rather no one ask you about them. So…” He waved a shaky hand toward her. “I do you the courtesy of not asking, and you do me the same. Deal?”

“Deal,” she gritted out and resumed walking, her steps a little more forceful than before. But before she could get far, Benjamin wrapped an arm around her shoulders, bringing her to a stop. “Ben, let go.”

“No,” he said with as much stubbornness as he’d used the very word since they’d been young, and he would force his hugs on her anytime they differed on something.

“I’m not mad,” she said, in the hope it would placate him enough to let go.

“And Makenna isn’t irritating,” he deadpanned.

Roxie snorted. She tried to push his arm off, already feeling an extra layer of sweat gathering from the extra body heat and all the effort she was exerting to get rid of the guy. “Don’t drag her into this. The poor thing has Terry to deal with, of course, she’d be irritating.”

Another snort. Thankfully, Benjamin decided he’d sufficiently made her sweat and pulled back. “The poor thing was irritating way before she met the man.”

“True,” Roxie conceded as they resumed their walk, the earlier tension all but forgotten.

“Have you spoken to her yet?”

Her being Makenna, their eldest sister and their parents’ golden child. Roxie shook her head. “No. But Mom said they would be over for dinner tomorrow.”

Benjamin grimaced. “Yeah, I think I will find somewhere else to be tomorrow.”

Roxie gawked at her brother. “You wouldn’t?”

Benjamin didn’t hesitate. He nodded. “I certainly would. Look, I know we are the black sheep of the family and should stick together, but sis, I would rather not sit through that. Don’t worry, I will comfort you later and help you lick your battle wounds,” he finished teasingly.

Roxie mock shuddered. “I don’t want you licking anything on me.”

“And you just had to go and make it awkward.”

“You started it,” she reminded.

Benjamin chuckled, apparently pleased with himself. For a while, they walked in silence, each lost in their own thoughts. Then, he lifted his hand to wipe at the sweat on his forehead, and Roxie once again saw the tremor.

Before he caught her staring, she dropped her gaze, not willing to draw attention to it again. Maybe it made her a bad sister, but it was far easier to believe that he would come to her if he needed help and all she could do was respect his privacy the same way he respected hers.

Because Benjamin had been right. She might have told her family the reason she’d asked for a divorce and left her matrimonial home, but there had been so much she hadn’t said and wouldn’t wish to.

They were all just memories she wished she could bury and never remember, even now that she was out and free. But was she truly free? Roxie’s brows furrowed when she couldn’t answer that question. Would she define her current life as free? She doubted it. It was more like she had exchanged one prison for another, and that was just depressing. She was so lost in her thoughts; Roxie hadn’t realized they had stopped walking until Benjamin spoke.

“Your brain is melting out of your ears.”

Huh? Caught off guard by the weird statement, Roxie touched her ear before her brain kicked in and she glared at her brother, who had stopped walking and cackled until he was wheezing for breath, tears running out of the corner of his eyes.

“Oh, damn! You checked!” he said between gasping for breath.

Roxie folded her arms across her chest, unamused. “It’s not funny.”

Benjamin just laughed some more until she walked off, and he had no choice but to follow, humor still dancing in his tone when he spoke. “I now know where your dramatic son got his brains from.”

Roxie huffed, remembering the incident she knew he was referring to. “He’s three. You told him you’d plucked his nose off his face after you did it to his teddy. Of course, he panicked.”

Benjamin’s shoulders shook, but thankfully, he didn’t resume his hyena performance. Then, like a switch flipped, he sobered and gave her an assessing gaze. “Seriously, though, your brain will turn to goo and drip out of your ears if you keep thinking that hard.”

Roxie looked away. They were almost at their destination, and she couldn’t wait to get out of the sun and away from this conversation as well, even though the idea of seeing her friend also had her stomach in knots. She knew he meant well, which was the only reason she wasn’t upset. “I need to think of my life,” she finally said after a beat had passed.

“Okay, I hear you. Think about your life all you want. Just promise me you won’t drown under all those thoughts,” he said and then gave her a little smile that looked almost sad before he added. “Because I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I can’t swim.”

A frown creased Roxie’s forehead. For a second, she didn’t get it. Benjamin could swim. Being her older brother, he’d taught her. But then she went through everything he’d said and realized he wasn’t talking about water in a pool.

Sadness gripped Roxie’s chest. Yeah. They all had their own demons, and Benjamin’s were practically drowning him. He loved her, but he wouldn’t be able to save her if she went under as well.

Nodding, Roxie forced a smile on her face and tried to reassure her brother that she had everything under control. “That’s okay. I can pull myself out of the deep end.” At least, she hoped she could. Either way, she had no choice but to fight and keep her head above the water because no one was coming to save her.

Certainly not some handsome man on a shiny white horse or motorcycle. Not that she wanted a man to save her. Of course not. Roxie was done with men. Right? Right.