Neverending Abyss

All of my life.... “Her parents didn't visit her this month again?” “Why we should care? as long as they keep giving money, then that won't matter anymore.” ... Stuck inside of a white room, surrounded by machine that's is the only thing that's keeping me alive. "Belle, can put down your books first? It's time for your injection." the only one who's good at me is Lisa, my nurse, but I bet she keep up this for whole 8 years is just because she was paid a big amount to keep an eye to me. "Yes." I put down the thick book beside me as Lisa help me raised my body from the bed, she let my back rest at the backrest of the bed before she turn around and get the syringe. I force a smile when Lisa turn around smiling at me. _It feels like my skin are getting use to these injections, that I don't feel nervous at all unlike the first time_ “Your birthday is coming already, what do you want as a gift?” Lisa ask as she plunge the syringe into my skin, my eyes twitch for a second. Her lips parted at what she said before she pressed it together and smile at her. "That's holiday, you already spent your holiday with me last year, so you can join your family this time." i stated with a reassuring tone. Lisa seems to be taken by what I said, that she pause for a second before flashing a smile. It's impossible if I wouldn't notice what she really wants, even a child could say that Lisa also want to spend her time with her family than staying here with me. "Don't be silly, I prefer staying he—” I cut her from talking, "Instead, can you buy me the last part of the book I've been reading?" I ask holding her wrist. "If you'd buy me that, I'd take that as your gift for my birthday." I've been cope up in this room for almost a decade already, it would be idiotic If I can still have a normal birthday celebration, it's useless anyways. It was just a miracle that I'm still alive up until now, thanks to my family's money. After some chek up's Lisa leave saying that she'll return before dinner, I just nodded and let her leave. I glance at the scenery outside, the sun was already setting yet small white flakes started to drop from the sky. I hardly stood up from bed as I approach the window. "Snow..." I muttered. From outside, I saw a kid running in the field and her mom running behind her. They look so happy, I mean who wouldn't? Seeing their children run in the snow with that smile, ofc they would be happy. A pang of pain penetrate my body again as I clench my chest with my hand. This always happens before but this time the injection that Lisa gave me cannot relieved the pain anymore. I calm myself down as I sit back at my bed and breath slowly, even breathing hurts me that I started clenching my bedsheet. I close my eyes before I stood up again to get the book I putted at the side table, a book that I've been reading for almost a year now. At that night, I drawn myself continuing reading that book until I reach the last page, I close it as I still have to ask Lisa to get me the epilogue of this book. _I wonder, how will it ends..._ For 8 years all I've left to do is to read and read and read a lot of books to pass my time, everytime my family came they always bring me five to six books everytime that I ask my brother to also buy me a bookshelf to organize my books, yet just the past 3 years none of my family visit me, it's rarely to see them and I was cope up by the book that Lisa gave me which is this. I wonder if sister already graduated to college? I wonder if brother is still doing great with his girlfriend, I wonder if my stepmom and father is doing fine, I wonder if they still remember me. My mind was laden by thoughts that I didn't realize what time is it, I puultted down the thick book by my side as I lay down. Lisa would be mad if she'll see me still awak— I cut off my thoughts when I see the door to my room left a little open, and then shadows of people pass through it and Im sure one of those are Lisa's. "Mercy killing?!" that's Lisa's voice, she sounds mad or something. "Lisa, you shouldn't react like that in front of the mayor, we tend to be professional how could you of all people lost your temper?" It seems like Lisa is arguing with her senior again, I mean I always hear them arguing but I wonder what is it now this time. "But... Belle is still alive!" My eyes widen when my name was heard. Is it about me why they're arguing this time? "It's her family's decision, we were only keeping an eye to her, I knew you know how's Belle's condition was now, you also know that she must feel pain everytime, Belle is going tired already... " "Of all people, how can they ask to get a mercy killing for Belle, she's their family! A family that Belle still wish to see... " _Stop... Please stop already..._ "That is what they ask for! 10 years must be already too long for them to hope that she's going to heal! " "Belle is trying to live, she's... she's... ” “Enough Lisa, we will do our job because we are paid for it.” I felt hot liquids dripping in my hands all of the sudden. I wipe my tears to know that it was my tears. "Why am I crying..." I whisper to myself as I start wiping off my tears. What am I expecting, they must be really tired of wasting their money on someone like me right? Ofc, they would be, afterall they know that I'd die anyway. That's right... This is the only confirmation you need right? You already accepted a long time ago that you'll die anyway, to escape this loniless all you ask is to die... So why... am I crying like this? --- Two days after overhearing that, Lisa came into my room with that same smile again, but this time she got the last book of the novel I've been reading. It's still two weeks before my birthday, yet Lisa still brought it for me earlier... Lisa... she's being kind to me right? But this could be good too since I can read this book for the last time. Another day came and nurses including Lisa came to celebrate my birthday earlier, but none of my family came. Days pass by again and I was cope up in my bed, I cannot move any parts of my body, not even my hands, a lot of tubes were now connected to my body. "Lisa..." I call for her name under the mask tube covering my mouth. Lisa held my hand yet I cannot feel her warmness anymore. "The book..." I need to finish the book, but I cannot since I have no strength to do it. I couldn't have a chance to finish my words when Lisa burst crying while holding my hand. My chest tighten again and I cannot breath, I try to breathe through my my mouth but it made it hurt more. My toes curled as my whole body stiffen, it hurts... A single tear came out from my left eye as my eyelashes are getting heavier, the vicinity above me is getting blurry... Lisa's face too.... "Lis..." How nolgastic, even in my very last breath, I couldn't determine what I really want...