Party of Four

Driving Forward - Cole

The drive home was filled with Nica’s singing. I settled into the leather, a smile of my own forming as I watched her. Riley was in the back seat, eyes on his phone, presumably exchanging more texts with our mom about the impending baby shower. I reached over the middle console, my hand resting on her thigh.

Her hand dropped from the steering wheel instinctively covering mine. I turned my hand over so our palms were together, our fingers lacing. Happiness and pride flooded me seeing that she was able to find the perfect compromise in a car that maintained her personality, but was better suited to parenthood.

Now if only I could make it through the neighborhood without a panic attack whenever I was behind the wheel. I tried to tell myself that not only did I still have time, but that no one besides dad knew. So if I never managed it, I hadn’t really disappointed anyone besides myself. I still couldn’t shake the feeling of helplessness that not being able to drive caused though.

Once we pulled into the driveway, and I got out of Nica’s new car, I could hear my parents voices from the backyard. While Nica headed inside, Riley and I went through the gate that closed off the backyard to see my mom directing my dad on where to put the food table for the impending shower. They both worked every day between now and Saturday, so my mom wanted to get as much of the set up done now so that Saturday morning she’d only have to worry about food and decorations.

Our backyard was becoming a party venue.

“Oh good,” mom turned towards us. “You’re both home, you can help with the chairs.” She began directing us too and Riley and I jumped into unpaid labor mode with minimal complaints.

“Don’t you have to pay for every day you rent these?” Riley asked as he set up chairs around one of the circular tables.

“Not when you buy them,” mom stated, smiling proudly.

“You bought these?” I asked, my eyes wide and my brows shooting up.

“Yeah, it’s actually not that much different in price compared to renting them, and this way we’ll have them for future birthday parties and whatever other events we decide to celebrate.

“Where are we going to put them when we’re not using them though?” Riley asked, the shock still on his face. “We don’t need 50 folding chairs and a bunch of tables just lying around.”

“Oh, don’t be dramatic,” she waved her hand dismissively. “There’s more than enough room to neatly store everything in the garage, and worst case scenario, we get a shed to put everything in at some point.”

“Why do I feel like you’ve already planned Poppy’s first eighteen birthdays?” Riley asked.

“Dramatics,” she rolled her eyes, equally as dramatic as Riley. “The only thing I’ve done is try to get decorations for the shower that can be reused for her first birthday. That’s it.”

Eventually, Nica came outside, and she and my mom began discussing the final touches for the baby shower.

That night, after dinner, Riley was watching some art nouveau film with my mom while I played a couple of rounds of pool with my dad. Riley was still at my parents’ little cottage when dad and I eventually decided to call it. I didn’t see Nica downstairs when I was grabbing water from the kitchen, and once I got to my room, I noticed her own door was open, a dim glow from her bed lamp cast shadows into the hall.

I leaned against the door frame, water bottle still in hand, and watched her in front of her mirror. She’d pulled her shirt up, resting it on top of her bump. Her hands gently framed her belly.

“Whatcha doing?” I asked, voice low.

She turned, startled, then her expression softened just as quickly. “I was just…” she paused, collecting her thoughts. “I was just thinking, I look like a mom now. What if I’m not ready to give up being Nica?”

Even at a distance, I could see the fear that flickered in her eyes. I tossed the water bottle onto the foot of her bed as I entered her room. I closed the distance between us and turned her back to the mirror. My arms wrapped around her, hands covering her belly as I rested my chin on her shoulder. “You’re going to be an amazing mom,” I murmured, “and you don’t have to give up who you are either.”

“Yeah, but-“

“You don’t,” I cut her off. “Whatever Garrett said that scared you, it’s not going to happen. We’re never going to get a minivan. Even if it means we have ten kids and you and Riley have to drive the whole family everywhere in two separate vehicles.”

“Ten?” Her voice cracked, a new fear showing in her wide eyes now reflected back at me. She swallowed.

“Okay, maybe not ten,” I relented, chuckling. “My point is, you’re never going to have to give up who you are. You can be Nica the person, Nica the mom, Nica the line cook, and Nica the woman who managed to tame two chaos brothers all at the same time.”

I watched her chest rise as she sucked in a deep breath. “My mom could never be both. My grandma and my dad have told me stories about how I pretty much didn’t exist to her unless she was getting money out of my dad or didn’t have something better to do. Then I watched her basically be the same way with my siblings. Until I moved in with my dad, I had to babysit from the time I got home from school to the time she got home from work, which was anywhere between midnight and three in the morning. I don’t think she ever wanted to be a mom. I was a burden, and Marley and Zach were bandaids on a failing marriage.”

“You’re not your mom though,” I reassured her as I pressed a soft kiss to her cheek.

She turned in my arms, her eyes meeting mine directly. “What if I am tough? That’s the only example of motherhood I was ever given growing up.”

“Then you know exactly what you don’t want to do.” I kissed her again, her forehead this time, “And Poppy’s a surprise, but she’s not a mistake. She’s not a bandaid because we weren’t failing. We’re strong, and you don’t have just me and Riley either. You’ve got my parents, your dad, Willow, Mallory and Jay, and the rest of Stella’s. And you’re going to be an amazing mom. I promise.”

Nica wrapped her arms tighter around me, her eyes closing as she rested her head against my chest. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”