Allistaire

            “Daisy, I take you to be my wife. To have and to hold. For better, for worse, for richer, and for poorer. I, Allistaire Reginald, make this vow in the presence of God.”             The sky was pale that afternoon. Dark, brooding and resisting the sun. The steady rain fell in drizzles, glistening the holy cross of Saint Dominic Cathedral. Thunder was rolling up above yet the vaulted ceiling of the church made the sound solemn.             From where we stood, the touches of light barely reached the hinges of the thick, ornate windows. The backyard was looking glassy with each raindrop. Meadow grasses and woodland flowers were basking under the cool breeze of the damp weather. Fog embraced the trees while the cold chased the sparse clouds away.             It was a sad day that afternoon.             “Daisy?”             Binawi ko ang tingin sa mga lumang bisagra ng simbahan. Gamit ang namumugto kong mga mata ay hinarap ko ang mga rebulto ng mga santo at santa. Ngunit sa dami ng mga matang nakatingin sa akin, buhay man o hindi, sa kaniya ko lang naramdaman ang kawalan ng pag-asa.             “Yes, Father...” I nodded at the worried cleric.             I turned to the man that would soon be my husband before this sad day ends. After the ceremony, the long wait of five years would come to an end.             Yet like the steady rhythm of the weeping sky, my eyes too became uneasy, shedding tears before I even knew it. My precious tears that were already drenching my cheeks endlessly, like the soft drizzles from the heavens, fell once again.             Umiwas ng tingin ang lalaking nasa aking harapan. Umigting ang panga nito nang ibaling ang mabangis na tingin sa mga rebulto.             “Allistaire...” His name started with my tongue touching the roof of my mouth which ended in a curl. It was all so unfamiliar. Like a faraway place that made me feel small.             Habang pinagmamasdan ko ang lalaking aking pinapakasalan ay kay layo ng aking narating. Milya-milyang distansya ang inabot katumbas ng hindi mabilang na mga kilometrong nasa pagitan naming dalawa. In my eyes, he was a faraway, foreign place. Not my home, not my sanctuary.             And for that, our wedding was even more painful.             Love was supposed to shelter. It should be the most familiar feeling that houses all the good things in the world. Love was supposed to be easy. To make us feel free. To make us feel full and solid. Love, for me, should be calm. It should be comforting and merciful.             Yet this cruel man defied it all and perhaps everything in the sacred joint of this cathedral as well. Within and without, he was an inexorable storm that destroys and devastates.             Ang pagmamahal kong pinangarap para sa sarili ay gumuho kasabay ng marahang pagkakabaklas ng langit, kasabay ng aming mga pangakong hindi ko nakikitang aming tutuparin sa isa’t isa.             “Allistaire, I take you to be my husband. To have and to hold. For richer, for poorer, for better, and for worse. I, Daisy Rosalina, make this vow in the presence of God.” My voice trembled with thunder rolling up above.             Pagkatapos ng aking binitiwang mga sumpa at panata ay nagtuloy ang pari. Yumuko ako, paulit-ulit ang mga taimtim kong paghingi ng tawad. I promised to love this man before the divinity yet I knew for certain that I was already a sinner because of it. Perhaps it wouldn’t only be me who would break it. And I wouldn’t know yet how far it would drag me down to hell, but I figured I wasn’t solely asking for their forgiveness – I was asking too for mine.             Above all else, my heart would suffer in this union. I asked for its forgiveness repeatedly for the lifetime of unhappiness that was already knocking on my door.             “Daisy...” Lumapit ang isang lalaking kasama ni Ilay at patagong nag-abot ng tissue.             Ilay briefly looked at his friend’s outstretched hand before focusing his gaze on my face. The thunderous look in his darkening eyes was as wild as the storm brewing high up in the sky. He looked so brutal with the sharp movements of his snarling lips. Kahit nagsasalita ang pari ay walang patawad niya akong hinarap.             “Thank you.” I took his friend’s offer nonetheless.             Ang matandang paring nagsesermon sa harapan ay bahagya ring napapalingon sa aking gawi. His low, gentle voice suited his chubby face. Wala rin lang itong pinagkaiba sa mga superintendents at archbishops sa aking boarding school.             The cleric slightly grimaced when our eyes met. Bumaba ang tingin nito sa seal ng aking suot na P.E. uniform. Father Jose Marie, our marriage officiant, cleared his throat loudly, making Ilay knit his brows. He was probably overwhelmed to wed a bride that was not wearing the traditional, virginal, white dress.             Katulad niya ay nakatingin din sa akin ang kaniyang dalawang sakristan sa magkabilang gilid. The one on the left was holding the Sanctus Bell while the one on the right was holding a brass chalice.             Sa aking gilid naman ay naroon ang tatlong kasama ni llay. Dalawang lalaki at isang babaeng. Mga hindi nagkakalayo ang mga edad. They stood as the only witnesses for this promised union. I couldn’t help but to feel envious of Ilay dahil kahit papaano ay may bitbit itong mga kaibigan at kamag-anak.             Samantalang ako, kahit hanggang sa sarili kong kasal ay wala pa ring pumunta. Not my Daddy who arranged this marriage with Ilay. Not my two sisters who sent me to rot in my boarding school.             Nang magsawa sa pakikinig sa pari ay nilingon ko ang mga kasama ni Ilay. Lightning cracked against the soft pouring of the rain. My eyes were all dried up. However, they might have been puffy.             Kumaway sa akin ang nag-abot ng tissue kanina.             The man was the closest one to Ilay. It made me slightly jealous that he had probably known my future husband more than I ever did. Nakita ko kanina kung paano sila magkaintindihan kahit na ang kaniyang kaibigan ay parang laging galit.             How he could comprehend Ilay’s rough caliber was beyond me. He acted like he was really enjoying his company and was honored to be his Best Man.             Mestizo at matangkad ang kaibigan ni Ilay, singkit ang mga mata at laging may kurba ang mga labi. He sported a casual sweatshirt, jeans, and sneakers in contrast to the two who attended the wedding formally.             The woman was wearing a black, open front blazer and pantsuit. It made her look sharp. With her tight updo and dignified posture, she was easily the epitome of the twenty-first century woman. Naalala ko tuloy ang aking nakatatandang kapatid sa kaniya.             Nang magkatinginan kami ay bahagyang tumagilid ang ulo nito. I pursed my lips, blinking a couple of times. She then relaxed her shoulders. The woman was my Maid of Honor.             “Sol, I already booked our flights for later...” bulong ng katabi niyang lalaki.             He matched Sol’s ensemble as his office attire was also black. His suit and tie made him look posh and dapper. May kung ano itong binubulong kay Sol. Sadyang matangkad din ang lalaki kaya tumingala ang kinakausap kahit may suot na heels.             “Sasabay ako mamaya kay Kuya,” Sol whispered back.             I stood in front of the sacred altar, holding my bouquet of Baby’s Breath and looking at the three with my puffy eyes. They attended as our principal and legal sponsors. Due to the shortage of friends and family members, they also took turns and acted as our candle, veil, and cord sponsors. These people must be close to Ilay and knew him best. Otherwise, they wouldn’t be troubled to be summoned here only to witness what kind of sad day this was.             Pinaglaruan ko na lang ang hawak na bulaklak, binilang ang mga patak ng ulan at hinintay matapos si Father Jose Marie. I didn’t once look up again even with the heavy stares my groom threw at me occasionally.             “You may now seal your marriage,” the deacon pronounced.             Father Jose Marie closed the bible, giving it to one of his sacristans. He looked at me critically before shifting his weary gaze to Ilay – a kiss before he was my husband.             Mas lalong lumakas ang pagbuhos ng sa labas. Lumaki ang munting mga patak kanina at ang ambon ay tuluyang naging marahas. Dumiretso ang likuran ko. For some unknown reasons, my heart was wildly pounding in my rib cage. Maybe because of the deafening thunder. Perhaps the fright when Ilay nodded to the priest, knowing what to do even without the specific instruction.             Lightning cracked the sky, its white, blinding tremors illuminating Ilay’s unflinching gaze. He looked even more ferocious and wild with the harsh light. Ako na napatalon sa kidlat at kulog ay hirap na sinalubong ang kaniyang malalim na pagtingin. Mas lalong bumilis ang mga t***k ng aking tampalasang puso.             He stepped in closer, clenching his jaw tightly. His dark eyes were the last thing I saw for I shut mine in fear for his brutal kiss. Pigil-hininga kong hinintay ang pagdating ng kaniyang kalupitan. I fought the urge to run away when I felt his hot, minty breath on my neck. I could picture him crouching low and angling his head because he was just too tall for me.             No harsh lips sullied mine. Only I heard the screams of the angels in heaven who wielded the most powerful thunderbolts. Sa halip na umatake sa aking mga labi ay dumampi ito sa aking noo. Malamig. Marahan. Magaan.             Then it was gone.             “By the power vested in me, you are now legally married...”             Slowly, I opened my eyes to the large physique of Ilay backing away. The vaulted ceiling of the cathedral was in the background, painted of cherubs holding either a lute or a horn. His clean, musky scent mixed with the cool breeze of the rainfall annihilated my senses.             He returned to his spot that was a couple of steps away from mine. His wide stance made him look even taller. Madilim ang mga mata nitong nagbaba ng tingin sa akin.             I shivered under his intense gaze. Taliwas ito sa kaniyang ginawang paghalik sa aking noo. Marahas ang kaniyang mga buntong-hininga na para bang nagpipigil ng kung ano. Nagkatinginan ulit kami. I immediately looked away, shivering as I noticed the violent trembles of his broad shoulders underneath his pinstripe suit.             “Congrats, Daisy!” bati ng kaniyang kaibigan.             I couldn’t return his smiles so I nodded instead, trying to calm the rapid rhythm in my chest.             Pagkatapos ng misa ng kasal at pagkuha ng mga litrato ay nagyaya ang mga kaibigan ni Ilay. Gusto nilang kumain muna kami sa labas bago ako ihatid sa school. Nagtataka na siguro sina Ash at Raven kung nasaan ako. The old church wasn’t far from our boarding school though. Just a two-hour drive on the long road straight ahead and here it was.             Naiwan ako sa loob ng sasakyan ni Ilay, nakatanaw sa tarangkahan ng maliit na simbahan. Kanina pa nag-uusap ang mga pari kasama siya. I was hugging my pink bag where I put all my dirty uniform from earlier.             May binunot si Ilay na kung ano mula sa bulsa. He subtly shook hands with Father Jose Marie, the latter widening his eyes with whatever the former said. He angled his body towards the car’s direction. Kahit makapal ang tint ng kaniyang Aston Martin ay parang walang panama sa kaniyang mga titig.             I clutched my bag tighter, burying my face in it to somehow chastise myself for feeling this way. I was so scared of Ilay that with just one strict look from his hooded eyes, I already wanted to run away.             Sana ay matapang din ako pagdating sa kaniya kung gaano man ako katapang sa aming boarding school. I wasn’t usually this silent and meek but with Ilay around, I was only the helpless girl who was fated to marry him someday. That was five years ago but we already fulfilled our destiny just a few minutes past.             Nagpaalam si Ilay sa simbahan. Sumenyas ito sa mga kaibigang naghihintay sa kani-kanilang mga sasakyang nakaparada sa tabi. Tumango ang mga ito at pumasok na. As if on cue, I straightened my back when Ilay half-jogged his way around the car.             The faint scent of his expensive cologne hovering inside like an overcast sky strengthened when he got in. My heart was once again thumping against my rib cage for being this close to him. I flinched when he shut the door and relaxed only when the smooth engine of the car revved up.             Isang mabilis na sulyap ang ibinigay niya sa akin bago tuluyang nagmaneho paalis.             The rain stopped after a while, leaving only the road glistening and slippery. It felt colder inside the car from watching the faint zephyr the rain left behind. Kung hindi sa harapan ang tingin ko ay sa side mirror kung saan nakikitang nakasunod ang dalawang sasakyan ng mga kaibigan ni Ilay. Tahimik ang aming buong byahe bukod sa pagmamando ng kaniyang mga kamay sa dashboard at gearshift.             We arrived shortly at a local grill. The wide expanse of Santa Fe’s land and verdant trees offered the decent restaurant where only a few ate. Lumalaban ang itim at mainit na usok ng inihaw sa malamig na simoy ng iniwang hangin ng ulan. Our convoy was parked on the side of the steep road.             Pagkalabas ko ng kotse ni Ilay ay halos magkaamoy na kaming dalawa. Even the tips of my hair smelled just like him. Sumunod na lang ako sa kaniya at pumasok sa loob ng kainan.             The diner wasn’t jampacked maybe because of the rain earlier. Sakto lang ang bilang ng mga tao na natira para panoorin ang paglubog ng araw. We were seated in the rooftop where the sky looked reachable. The mountain ranges imitated a dragon’s tail from where I sat.             “Nakapunta na tayo dati sa taas, ‘di ba? Cha and Dan did their prenup shoots up in there,” duro ni Conan sa hilagang bundok.             The sun was setting between its valleys, creating the giant silhouette of the grotto’s cross. Peach and oceanic blue were what painted the damp clouds. Both locals and tourists took their phones out to capture the scenery.             “Baka ikaw lang. Hindi naman ako invited. Nag-away kami ni Cha noon,” sagot ng palaging sumusunod kay Sol na si Max.             Kanina pa nag-iinuman at nagkukwentuhan ang magbabarkada. Tahimik lang ako at nakikinig. During the small span of time that I dined with them, I could easily say that Conan, Ilay’s best friend, was the extrovert of the group. Marami itong baong kwentong kanilang binabalikan.             Conan and Max were Ilay’s college friends according to their stories but not Sol who was his little sister. Kahit pilit akong pinapasok si Conan sa usapan ay sadyang hindi ako maka-relate. Nagmumugto pa rin ang mga mata ko dahil sa kaiiyak kanina.             “So, ako lang pala ang dumalo? Hindi ko na matandaan! I was so high that time!” Conan slapped his thigh and downed a shot.             “Weddings make you high, Con! Ano nga ulit ang sinabi sa iyo ng ex mo?” tudyo ni Max. “What was her name again?”             Conan’s face turned bright red. It already was because of the alcohol but his friend was pressing it. Halata ang epekto nito kay Conan.             “Oh! Damn you, Max...”             Nagngisihan ang magkatabing sina Sol at Max samantalang si Conan naman sa kabisera ay mag-isa. Ilay and I sat across from the two. I was only served with sparkling water despite the urge to also down drink or two. Bukod sa tubig ay ako lang ang naiiba dahil kung corporate ang kanilang mga suot ay hamak na jogging pants at t-shirt ng school lang namin ang akin.             “I was invited too...” Ilay murmured, his obsidian eyes now turning vermilion upon reflecting the dying embers of the setting sun.             I took a peek at him under my lashes. There was a ghost of smile on his lips. It was very much unlike earlier where it was snarling because of our intense fight at the back of my school. His eyes were light from all the funny jokes Conan threw around carelessly.             “Bakit wala ka sa mga picture, kung ganoon? Nasaan ka, Kuya?” hamon ni Sol.             Unconsciously, I was anticipating for his answer too. Pinaglaruan ko ang baso ng tubig.             “I had to leave early, Sol. Plus, I don’t stick around at parties that much,” iling ni Ilay sabay sipat sa akin.             He shifted on his seat, widening the ‘v’ of his thighs. Ako rin ay umayos ng upo. Ang kaniyang nalalasing na mga mata ay sinalubong ang akin. Nagkatinginan kaming dalawa.             “Baka may sinundo? Ulit?” ngisi ni Max.             I looked away, tearing our gaze apart. Nilaro kong muli ang baso at hindi pinansin ang kung anong tumutusok sa aking dibdib.             “Damn you, Maxence.” Ilay groaned and sat up even straighter. His arm outstretched to grab his beer from the table.             Nagbulungan ang dalawa sa aming tapat samantalang si Conan ay puro pang-iinis ang binato. Ilay took every blow, his eyes turning chinky.             Hawak ang pa rin ang beer ay ipinikit nito ang mga mata at ang isang braso ay kaniyang dinantay sa likod ng aking upuan. Hinilig nito ang kalahati ng katawan doon. The wild pounding of my traitorous heart started once again.             “Lasing... ka na?” bulong ko.             Ilay immediately cracked his eyes open. It was turning alert now that I talked to him for the first time after a couple of hours.             “Hindi pa,” he whispered hoarsely.             “Ayos lang naman sa aking mag-commute. Babalik na lang akong school...”             “I’m not yet drunk, Daisy. Kaya ko pang magmaneho.” Ilay shook his head and leaned in closer.             Nanatili lang ang tingin ko sa mga mata nitong pumupungay dahil sa alak. His expensive cologne was now mixed with the local rum. Binasa nito ang mga labi at inayos ang pagkakadantay ng kaniyang braso sa aking upuan             “Ihahatid kita,” dagdag niya.             I bit my lips and nodded slowly.