Allistaire

#4: Fiancé

While Ilay and I walked the grounds of my boarding school, I couldn’t help but to reminisce once again as this was the exact place where my memory resumed.

“Dadalaw lang kami, Kath…” Bahagyang gumalaw ang panga ni Seymore dahil sa chewing gum. Dinuro niya ang banda kung nasaan ang building ng classroom namin.

“Si Ashanti naman ako,” tango ni Jace.

Upon hearing her name on her boyfriend’s lips, Ash swooned and cackled. Sabay ang pagtingin ng grupo sa aming gawi ngunit sabay rin ang malakas na paghila ni Raven sa aking braso. I was admiring Seymore’s tall and lean body but Raven immediately dragged me away!

“Sorry po! Sorry, Miss Liz!” Hinawi ng aking kaibigan ang aming mga nakakasalubong.

Alyssa who was also dragging me away was pouting big time. Si Ash na hindi alam kung bakit kami tumatakbo ay halos mabali ang leeg katitingin sa bukas na lote kung saan palinga-linga ang grupo ni Seymore.

Huli na ang lahat nang malaman ko ang kanilang maitim na balak. They had already locked me up inside the girls’ bathroom on the ground floor!

“Pakawalan ninyo ako! You imbeciles! Raven! Ash!” Sinipa ko ang pintong kinandado nila mula sa labas.

Sa likod ng pintuan ay naririnig kong humahagalpak ng tawa si Raven samantalang si Alyssa ay parang pusang umiingit. I could hear rapid footsteps running away and was certain that it was Ash!

“Let me out! Damn you! Bakit ninyo ako kinulong dito?! Ano ba, Raven, Alyssa?!” I shouted at the top of my lungs, only receiving the echo of the deserted bathroom.

“Para sa iyo rin ‘yan, Daisy! Diyan ka na lang muna habang dumadalaw sina Seymore. Mamaya ay sagutin mo na naman kapag nakipagbalikan! Duh!” came Raven’s fit of contralto giggles.

“I’m going to kill you, Raven! Alyssa! Let me out! Ash!” I pounded my closed fists on the flushed door, knowing that the girls’ bathroom at the ground floor was the rarely used one!

“Bye, Daisy! Wei will see you at lunch!” paalam ni Raven.

Ilang beses kong tinampal ang saradong pintuan hanggang sa narinig ang kanilang mga yapak paalis. Dinig na dinig dito sa loob nag walang hiyang mga halakhak ng aking kaibigan.

“Raven! You’re dead! I’m going to kill you all! Fuc---” In an instant, I stopped screaming upon feeling the surge of blood on my nether regions.

Inis kong sinapak ang pintuan bago pagod na umupo sa sahig. I had no choice but to endure the stickiness on my underwear. It was only adding to my already bursting irritation. Walang ibang tao sa bathroom dahil bihira itong gamitin. Sigurado rin akong oras ang aabutin ko bago may dumaan.

Katulad ng pang-unang beses na ikinulong ako ni Raven, ang kaniyang dahilan ay para hindi kami muling magsakita ni Seymore. Upang huwag ko siyang sagutin muli. Para hindi ako umiyak at magdrama.

Ganoon ba ako kahayok sa pag-ibig na pilit kong hinahanap sa mundong ito? That it would result to this – my friends locking me up so I wouldn’t try to give our already doomed relationship its nth chance?

Was I truly in need of a love that stays?

“Crap! You’re dead later, Raven...” Napamura ako at sinilip ang inuupuang sahig na may dugo na.

Dumukdok ako sa mga tuhod na initaas sa dibdib. Pain was attacking my abdomen. I groaned and muttered another curse.

As I endure the monthly pain, I leaned on the wall and looked up at the flickering lights. Halos umupugin ko ang ulo sa pader. Mahina na nga ang tubig ay puputok pa yata ang ilaw. Then, I would be trapped here without anybody knowing that I was already dying. I was like the star in some cheap horror movie except the blood was mine, and no, it didn’t come from my blood vessels. It came straight out of my leaking puss–

“Oh crap! Crap!” Napatayo ako nang tuluyan na ngang mamatay ang ilaw!

I was left alone in the dark with nothing but my monthly period – another reminder that I hated to be a girl. Sometimes, I couldn’t help but to think that if I was a boy, then Daddy would have loved me too. Mapapantayan noon siguro ang kamatayan ni Mommy dahil sa wakas ay may lalaki na rin siyang anak, ang magtutuloy ng kaniyang naudlot na apelido. But alas, I was born a girl with his stupid monthly, blood pain. 

Sa dilim ay ang maruming dugo lang ang kasama ko at ang mga sama ng loob ko sa mundo.

It was the best birthday yet.

And to think that Seymore was out there, holding a bouquet of flowers for me because maybe, just maybe, he remembered this particular day. My birthday. Hindi pa kasi namin na-celebrate iyon dahil hindi pa naman siya nanliligaw noon. Ngayon pa lang inabutan.

It was funny that I was thinking of birthdays in the dark. But since it was already mentioned, kaya siguro hindi ako marunong bumati o makaalala ng mga birthdays ay bihira lang naman talagang i-celebrate ang akin.

I had forgotten Seymore’s birthday too last year. And Raven’s. And Alyssa’s. I only remembered Ashanti’s birthday because she kept on reminding me the whole week and even set up my alarm clock with a message of her birth date. But most importantly, being here in Saint Adelaide, even in summer and winter, made me miss out not only birthdays all the important occasions that should be spent with my family.

Iyong mga Pasko at Bagong Taon. Iyong mga Kuwaresma at Semana Santa. Swerte ako dahil karamay sina Ash. Masaya naman akong kasama ang aking mga kaibigan sa mga espesyal na okasyon. Kaya lang ay natatakot akong baka isang araw ay makalimutan ko na rin ang mga iyon katulad ng mga birthday na nakakalimutan ko.

I was terrified that the day would come that I no longer remember how to spend my days with my family. Perhaps even the normal ones.

“Stupid birthday. Stupid Cala...” I muttered in the dark, now thankful for it because of the tears that were now streaming down my face.

Maybe it was just the hormones. The pain was tolerable but not too comfortable. Or, in the bright side, maybe it was the anticipation that Seymore was just a few feet away from outside. That maybe I was crying because I missed him?

No?

Baka naman umiiyak ako dahil mag-isa na naman ako sa aking birthday. Katulad ng dati. Baka ang katotohanang birthday ko nga ngayong araw pero hindi na naman bumati ang aking ama. Nasayang na naman ang isang buong gabing pag-aantay ko dahil kahit isang salita galing sa kaniya ay wala akong narinig.

I knew that Ate Mara only forced Ate Cala to at least greet me. Judging by the haste in her low voice that was louder and clearer than her secretary’s echoing at the background. And I knew, too, for a fact that the gifts they send to me annually were handpicked by their faithful assistants. Mas kilala pa nga siguro ako ng mga ito dahil sila naman talaga ang nagpapadala ng mga regalo sa akin at hindi ang aking mga kapatid tuwing aking birthday.

I couldn’t help it as my tears overflowed, dropping on my school uniform and on the bathroom floor. If it mixed with the dirty blood, I couldn’t care less. Mag-isa at nasa dilim, umiyak ako sa araw ng aking birthday. Umiyak ako at umiyak pa.

Sina Ate, para kasing nakalimutan na nilang may kapatid silang naiwan dito.

At si Daddy naman, parang dalawa lang ang anak.

My fragile heart was what lied underneath my vulgar demeanor that it hurt every time it resurfaces. Because it was just there all along, crying and grieving for the love I knew I couldn’t have. That was maybe why I resorted to settling in any type of love that stays. Even unhealthy. Even timid. As long as it stays by my side.

Suddenly, I heard footsteps from the outside that was coming close. The precise sound it made echoed and reached the girls’ bathroom through the bottom slits of the door. I blinked repeatedly, hearing the relaxed footsteps that made me think of someone walking rather languidly.

Sakto namang bumukas ang ilaw! 

Tumayo ako kaagad, hindi alintana ang dugong naiwan sa sahig. Wriggling my nose, I vowed to clean it up later. 

I faced the mess that I was in front of the mirror and did a peace sign. I broke down for several minutes. Hindi counted ang break down kung hindi haharap sa salamin at ngingisi.

Soon enough, I was bombarding the door with my incessant pounding once again. “Hey! You there! Open the door! Help me!”

Paulit-ulit kong kinalampag ang flush door ng girls’ bathroom. Wala pa ring sumasagot. Halos sipain ko na ang pinto para makalabas ngunit napatigil nang marinig ng kaluskos mula sa kabilang pader.

My eyes went wide open, deciphering the vibrations of the pipes from underneath. Footsteps echoed once again. Tama nga ang hinala kong may tao sa kabilang kwarto na kung hindi ako nagkakamali ay boys’ bathroom naman.

This bathroom was the rarely used one other than this was also the farthest. Ito kasi ang bathroom na ginagamit lagi ng mga lalaki. And I meant, the male staff like the professors, gardeners, church custodians and the such. Girls just couldn’t take the smell of piss in the air.

It was luck that someone was using it from the other side! So, it must be a boy then!

“Hey! Hey, mister!” Bagong pwesto naman ang kinalampag ko at iyon ang maliit na siwang ng vent.

Tumuntong ako sa sink upang silipin ang kabilang kwarto kung may tao nga ba talaga o minumulto na ako ng kalungkutan ko. Ngunit totoo nga talagang mayroon dahil nasisilip ko sa siwang ang zipper nito.

My mouth formed an ‘o’ as I watched it unfurl before my perverted eyes. The bulge looked so big and hard that there was like a giant marble in it.

Parang hindi ako umiyak kanina dahil sa manghang naramdaman. I didn’t know why the brass material of the zipper looked so brutal in contrast to the soft material of the black slacks that was now slightly tenting. 

Nanlalaki ang mga mata ko, pilit sinisigawan ang utak na namboboso ako.

But... oh no... another gold glinted mercilessly in the cold, damp air. It was from the shiny Rolex that was clasped around a thick wrist. There was the light dusting of its hair that disappeared just above the cuff links. 

Tumagilid ang aking ulo katitingin sa mga mamahaling butones na iyon. It was a head of a roaring lion with the beaming sunrays around it as its mane. Such small accessory yet it already made a big statement.

“Ah! Ouch!” I screamed when I almost fell down from the sink.

Inayos ko ang pagkakasampa sa lababo at sumilip pa lalo sa maalikabok na vent. Halos mabahing ako kakasilip ngunit napapitik ng mga daliri nang sa pagkakaiba ng pwesto ay naiba ako ng anggulo.

Sayang naman! Ang daya talaga!

I could now only hear the peeing sound as I sat on the sink. I didn’t know what was happening to me but I blushed upon hearing it! It created such obscene images in my head that weren’t all nice and innocent! 

Sa aking utak ay gumagana na ang mga lecture namin tuwing Sunday ng hapon. Ilang beses ako ng nag-recite ng Hail Mary habang naririnig ang mga malalaswang tunog na ito.

“Mister! Yes! Hey, mister!” I shouted at the top of my lungs after I let him finish peeing.

Nawala ang kapulahan ng aking mga pisngi at napalitan ng kaba. Nanlamig akong inisip dahil paano kung ang binobosohan ko pala ay isang matandang panot, bundatin ang tiyan at pwedeng maging sugar daddy?

A shudder ran through me. 

“Mister!” Sumigaw akong muli nang masilip at marinig na tumigil ang mga paggalaw nito.

There was silence after the flushing of the toilet. I gulped and braced my voice box. Pagkatapos ay sumigaw ako nang sumigaw. Akala ko ay mag-isa na lang ulit ako ngunit nabuhayan nang marinig ang sunod-sunod na pagkatok sa pinto. Thank the heavens!

“Is someone there? Hello?” A deep voice echoed, worry etched in its undertones.

Sa halip na sumaya dahil may tao na ay napanguso ako. I repeated its low baritones in my head, my lips turning upwards. Nang muli itong kumatok at tumawag ay napangiti akong lalo. Kung tama ang hinala ko ay hindi naman pala tunog ng matanda. Papasa na sa late twenties to early thirties.

“Yes, mister! May tao po!” I screamed back.

“Sige! I’ll open the door for you!” Pumihit ang seradura ng pinto ngunit kinalampag ko iyon pabalik, causing its movements to cease.

“Wait! Stop it!” I banged my fists on the door.

“Bakit, hija? Anong problema?”

Hija?

I made a sour face. I was rarely called ‘hija’. Sina Father Yalel at Bishop Milo lang ang tumatawag sa akin ng ganoon kapag may mass kami tuwing first Friday of the month. Tinatawag nila ako dahil ako ang naka-assign sa pagbasa ng second liturgy.

But this man that I tried to take a peep when he’s peeing shouldn’t call me that. It made me think of Father Cosme’s innocent, chubby face. I shuddered once again and recited a Hail Mary mentally.

“What’s the problem, huh? What’s happening in there?” His deep baritones dominated over my obscene thoughts.

“Uhm...” Pinagdikit ko ang dalawang index finger at nilingon ang dumudugong skirt. “Mister, I’m sorry... but I need a napkin.”

“I’m sorry? You need a what?”

Pumula ang aking mga pisngi. Ibang-iba ang aking nararamdaman ngayong isang tao lamang ang hinihingan. Hindi katulad kanina sa aking mga classmate na lantaran ako kung humagilap.

“I need a sanitary pad. A tampon if you can’t find one,” walang habas kong sagot. 

Kaysa naman lumabas akong para akong binaril sa pwet. I’d rather face my embarrassment later or maybe he’d be gone by then. “And I need a new set of clothes. Please get me my gym clothes in my locker room. Nasa second floor ng girls’ bathroom. My locker is number eighty-four and it’s pink.”

I repeated it in my head, sounding like I was just making utos to my Yaya Janice back in our home in Sorsogon.

The man behind the now opened door cleared his throat. Napanguso ako at pinamulahanan muli ng mga pisngi. Ilang segundo pa bago ito sumagot.

“Alright. Sanitary pads and tampons. Gym clothes from the pink locker. Got it. Wala na bang iba? Ano pa ang mga kailangan mo?”

“Hmm...” I pursed my lips in thought. “Can you also bring me my tumbler? I’m thirsty. It’s also with my clothes.”

“Sure thing. What’s the combination of your locker?”

Saglit akong napaisip. Bubuksan ng lalaking ito, isang hindi kilala, ang aking locker. He wouldn’t snoop around, would he? Kasi may mga adult magazine ako roon na hindi dapat makita ng iba. Pwede naman sa mga classmate ko dahil pasa-pasahan kami noon. Iba pala kapag ibang tao na.

Matagal akong napaisip bago nagsalita. “Five.”

“Just a five?”

Napangiwi ako. “Eight.”

“Five... eight... then what?” natatawa nitong tanong.

Inis akong napakamot sa ulo bago tuluyang sinabi sa kaniya ang buong kombinasyon. 

“Don’t worry, hija. Your things are safe with me. Babalikan kita kapag nakalap ko na ang mga pinapakuha mo. Maghintay ka rito...” Although there was concern in his voice, I couldn’t help but to shudder when he called me that again.

Hija. Little girl. Child.

But then, the way his deep voice echoed and reverberated here in the little space of the bathroom was too husky. Too masculine. It sounded too reserved and controlled. It exuded authority despite its tries of being gentle. Probably because of pity for the girl that got stuck in a bathroom with nothing but her bloodied skirt.

Naiwan ulit akong mag-isa sa bathroom. Sana ay ipinatawag ko na lang pala si Ash pero naisip kong baka kasama pa nito si Jace. Si Alyssa naman ay susunod lang sa mga sasabihin ni Raven. Pagkakatuwaan muna ako ng mga iyon bago tulungan.

Hindi na rin sigurong masamang may lalaking tumulong sa akin. I just hoped that he wasn’t a priest or something. Or else I might visit the old chapel nearby and say my Two Hail Marys and one Our Father for doing sinful things to God’s shepherd.

Dumating din ang mga gamit ko kalaunan. The man gave it to me through the small crack of the now opened door. Bukod pa sa mga inutos ko ay mayroon ding bagong biling wipes. My sneakers were also there and a pair of undies.

Ilang minuto ako sa loob para linisin ang sarili at ang nagawang kalat sa sahig. Gone were my short skirt and customized blouse. Ang suot ko ay ang maluwang na jogging pants at ang partner nitong dilaw na PE t-shirt. I was checking myself out in front of the mirror, sulking for looking like I just got out of sleep.

“Well, Happy Birthday to you, Daisy.” I pursed my lips and grabbed my dirty uniform.

Pagkabukas ko ng pinto ay bumungad sa akin ang liwanag at maaliwalas na simoy ng hangin. But what shocked me was the man who was casually leaning on the wall. He was busy looking out into the open fields of my boarding school with his squinted eyes. He had his hands in his pockets while his silver necktie swayed with the wind.

The shiny golden Rolex was glinting with the lion cuff links. I blinked twice, realizing he was the man who helped me earlier.

But how?

And out of all people, why him?

Bakit siya pa ang ipinadala sa akin para isalba ako sa aking problema? At ngayong pang birthday ko?

Tumayo ito nang maayos pagkatapos marinig ang tuluyang pagsara ng pinto ng banyo. Napalunok ako at unti-unting dumiretso ng tayo.

In front, the man turned to me, his deep frowns etching on his sun-kissed face. Truly, this man was my fiancé.