Flashbacks: Head Versus Heart

Chapter Fifteen: Unbreak Me

"You wanna talk with me about it?" I could see he was worried... and I was hanging on to everything I had not to start crying.

"Babe... what's the matter?"

"I'm... I'm not sure what to do... like with us...."

"So... is that you've been acting so strange all day? Everything seemed fine, figuring things out... and then whatever that was at breakfast happened? You were like night and day. "

"Colt, I'm really confused right now... that's all."

"What's to be confused about?"

"This... you... and me... whatever it is that we are doing right now."

"Peri, seriously with this again? Can we go one damn day without you getting into your feelings about this? Can we just enjoy our time together!?" I could tell he was frustrated with me.

"OUR TIME TOGETHER? You say that as if this is it... if this is all this will be."

"That's not- I'm not- Is that what you want?"

"I don't know what I want..."

"What the f**k does that mean, Peri?" I could see him growing colder with each word I said. I was breaking him, and I couldn't stop myself.

"Colt. Calm down."

"No! I'm not f*****g calming down. This is it, I'm done with this conversation."

"Stop!"

"You stop. Stop making yourself out to be some saint in all of this. I love you, I never stopped loving you. I loved you – even after you left me. I love you even after all the drunk calls and texts you sent me while you were out with other guys... I'm telling you right now, that I love you... why isn't that enough for you?"

"And I love you! But I need you to give me time to figure all of this out, to process things. I don't know what I want..."

"What you want, is to come here... and make me feel like you and I have a chance to work things out, knowing damn well that's not what you want. What you want is to have a good time this weekend, typical Peri. Making your presence known just to f**k me over and make me feel like even more of a piece of s**t than when you first left. Bravo, Per, you f*****g win."

"That is NOT what I'm doing. I didn't know this would happen. I didn't know I would feel the way that I do."

"Oh? It's not... because it really looks like it is!"

"You mean so much to me. I'm so overwhelmed with what's happened."

"You knew exactly what would happen when you came back here. You knew exactly what would happen the minute we walked into this house together. I'm not stupid, and neitherare you. You... knew... I would drop everything to be here, to give this another shot... you knew this, I never had to tell you that."

"I didn't know things would have gotten this far."

"Peri... stop lying to yourself. We need to let this go. End it now, before we hurt each other any further."

"Colt, please." I reached out for him... begging him, with tears cascading down my eyes, pleading with everything in my being, "Not like this..."

Colt grabbed my arm and pulled me up from the chair, inches from his chest "if... if this is it – if this is 'goodbye' for us... we can't look back. " He looked into my pathetic eyes for what felt like forever, I could feel his pain burning into my soul. He grabbed a hold of my face and placed his forehead against mine. I could feel his warm tears descending on my eyebrow. My heart sank into the pit of anxiety in my stomach.

For a moment, we stood there, silently sobbing holding on to one another, until he pulled away... his bright blue eyes bloodshot and torn. He enveloped his hands around the back of my head and just as intensely as things began once again... he pulled me in, crashing his lips to mine. I could feel his heart beating wildly, as I grabbed onto his chest, terrified for what was to come next. He pulled away, and spoke so much to me, without saying a word. I felt his warm palms move to my cheeks, as he kissed me again, without restraint.

"Goodbye, Pericetta", and with that, he grabbed his jacket and walked out the door. I ran to the door, wanting to stop him. Instead, I stood there... frozen, watching out the window as he stopped at the door of his truck, and looked back once more – as if he was hoping for me to run after him, to apologize and make things right... but I didn't. I gave up - on him, on us. I stood there, emotionless, allowing him to walk out of my life, for something I was unsure of.

I watched him get in his truck, and looked out that window until I couldn't see his taillights anymore, racking my brain with regret, relief, and anxiety.