Forbidden Baby

Chapter 14 – The Appointment

Thia’s POV

My first few weeks in this place were surreal. I thought Mum and Dad may have called. They didn’t. I had settled into a routine of sorts, and despite being lonely, it was easier to avoid slipping up if I kept to myself. The other girls assumed I was just shy, I let them, they generally left me alone, but they weren’t mean.

We were all here for the same reason. Well, sort of, they got to keep their babies. People came and went all the time. Generally, most girls only arrived when they were late stages of their pregnancy and could no longer attend school.

No one ever stayed here for longer than a few months, there was no point in getting attached, when I left here, how would I ever explain I gave my baby away after caring for her for a month. It was brutal and heartless, and I didn’t want to be that girl.

I wondered what Mum had said to make it not seem odd I was here so early in my pregnancy. I guess it didn’t really matter, but I had far too much time on my hands, alone, to think about weird things like that. Those thoughts were better than the others.

The ones that led me into a spiralling depressive and anxiety filled sate. I thought about Freddie every day. Did he know? What did he think? Was he okay? If it wasn’t that, I was consumed with thoughts about Loretta or my brothers.

It was hard not to dwell on the things I had no control or knowledge about.

Today was a day I was not looking forward too. I had my first Midwife appointment. They wanted me to go last week, after I had settled in for a week, to get me booked into the local services. I had pretended to be sick and they rescheduled.

I was now 23 weeks pregnant, and I was scared if Mum and Dad found out now, they would take me away. I had run out of excuses not to go. They were going to find out I had lied about my dates. Lilly was coming with me; I had nowhere to run.

Baby girl was growing fast, I had an obvious bump and I felt her move all the time. She liked to move. I loved the feeling of her wriggling inside me, and even when she kicked, and it hurt a little, it felt like she was saying hello.

I struggled accept that Freddie, Gabe, Zeke, and Loretta where never going to get to feel her kick, see my belly swell and watch the miracle of life grow inside me. They would never see her on the monitor screen or hear her heartbeat.

It was the little things, that went along with the monumental realisation that none of that mattered, because in the end, they would never even meet her, know her or be apart of her life. Maybe it was better they didn’t have to feel as attached as I already was.

There was a knock on the door.

‘Coming’ I shouted as I grabbed my bag and coat, a slight waddle to my small frame with the weight in front of me tipping me only slightly off balance.

I walked to the door and as I expected, Lilly was ready to take me to my appointment.

‘All set’ she beamed.

I didn’t think Lilly was ever sad. She always had a smile on her face, and she seemed to work a lot. She was never tired, snappy, or miserable. I wish I was more like her. I think before all this happened; I probably was.

‘Yeah, I guess’

‘No need to be nervous Tabitha, it’s only a routine introduction visit, just to book you in with the midwives’

I smiled softly ‘I know, I am being silly’ I lied, I knew what was coming.

We made our way out of the building and towards the car.

‘Not at all, it’s natural. But honestly, all they will do is get you to fill in some forms, ask you some questions, weigh you and measure the baby’s growth, they may take some bloods but that’s it really’

‘They won’t scan me?’

‘Probably not. Unless they think they need to, but that won’t be today, they would have to book you in’

‘Oh’ I visibly relaxed, maybe this would be okay after all.

We got in and she looked at me with curiosity as she noticed I was less anxious now I knew I wouldn’t be scanned.

‘The machine makes me nervous’ I didn’t like lying to Lilly, I liked her, but at this point, I had very little choice.

She started the engine and we drove down the tree lined drive and onto the main road towards the clinic. It wasn’t far, and within 15 minutes, we had arrived.

When we got there, despite Lilly’s reassurance I wouldn’t have a scan, I couldn’t help but feel nervous. We walked into the warm confines of the yellow brick building and straight into a small reception.

The midwife led clinic dealt only with expectant mothers, and those all shapes and sizes were sat in the waiting room ready to be seen. We were booked in, and the receptionist gestured us towards some empty seats, and we quietly sat in the uncomfortable plastic chairs.

‘Tabitha Mathews’ a portly woman yelled, she had gentle features and greying brown hair in a short, layered bob. She had thick rimmed glasses that sat on the edge of her nose.

As I stood, with Lilly, she pushed her glasses up her nose and smiled, gesturing for us to go with her. With a little trepidation, I followed her down the small corridor and into a treatment room that didn’t look all that different to the one in the family planning clinic.

The white walls, and clinical feel did nothing to ease my discomfort but there were a few posters on the wall offering health advice, that I tried to focus on to steady my nerves.

‘Hi Lilly’ the woman soke to Lilly fondly, I shouldn’t have been surprised, she must come here all the time ‘So you must be Tabitha?’

I nodded and sat in the chair she directed me too, seemingly having lost my voice once again.

‘Another shy one’ she looked knowingly at Lilly ‘okay, well let’s get started, it’s pretty straight forward today, Tabitha, we just need to make sure we have all your details and are registered’

‘Ok, what do you need to know?’

‘We have all the forms here, but before you fill them in, I will tell you all about what will happen, to try and put you at ease’

‘Okay’ I could barely look the woman in the eyes, but when I did, they had a familiarity about them.

‘So today will measure the baby’s growth and listen to her heartbeat, we will contact your GP and your previous midwife, for you notes so we have the full picture. We need you to fill in some basic medical history and information forms, but other than that, unless we think it’s necessary for a scan, that’s it’ she beamed.

Her eyes softened when she saw the look on my face. I couldn’t hide the mild panic at the mention of contacting my GP, or a midwife, I had never registered the pregnancy with them. I didn’t want to give too much away, but I certainly couldn’t cope with the anxiety I now felt.

‘I didn’t have a midwife. I only found out I was pregnant the week before I came here’

‘Oh, right, okay, well don’t worry, these things happen. But we will need to take some bloods and have a urine sample to make sure everything is normal. You have a dating scan?’ she questioned.

I looked at Lilly unsure, I did, but the real one was hidden in my apartment and the fake one I hadn’t seen since my parents snatched it out of my hand. I didn’t want a reason for another scan, I wasn’t ready for my parents to know the truth.

‘We have one in the office at work’ Lilly spoke over my silence ‘Tabitha, do you not have a copy?’

I shook my head ‘I only had one, Mum had it’

‘Ok, well, we have it now, we can bring it in next time, if that’s okay?’

‘We just need a copy for your notes Tabitha, we can make you a copy too if you would like?’

‘Uh, ok’ I didn’t really want it, but knew it would seem weird if I didn’t say yes!

She took some bloods for general tests, and I did a urine sample, everything came back clear on that. I filled out all the paperwork, but I made some of it up, I didn’t know much about my family’s medical history and I new nothing of Freddies.

On the baby’s father section, it stated unknown. A pang of guilt, remorse and pain shot through me as I saw in black and white the words that I was writing that made him anonymous to everyone, including our daughter. It was a reality I had been trying to bury.

I handed the papers back and lay on the bed for the physical examination.

‘Would you like me to leave the room Tabitha?’ Lilly asked softly.

‘No! Please stay, I think I need you’ I said all too quickly, it was the most I had said since being in this room. The midwife gave Lilly a kindly, knowing look and moved the monitor towards me while Lilly held my hand.

‘Heartbeat is healthy and strong’ she said as the sound of her thumping tiny little heart filled the room.

‘Is it meant to be that fast?’ I asked a little concerned.

She grinned wide ‘Perfectly normal and healthy’ she beamed, I wasn’t sure if it was because I was talking or if she was happy the baby was okay.

A big kick made me gasp and Lilly lightly laughed ‘She’s a feisty one huh!’

I smiled and placed my hand over my belly, I did this a lot, I liked to feel her move.

‘Ok, let’s measure her growth’ she got out a tape measure and placed it over my belly length ways, her face dropped a little ‘I want to check you again in two weeks’

‘What’s wrong?’ I didn’t miss the look she gave Lilly; I was scared.

‘She’s a little on the small size for how far a long you are Tabitha. I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about. She is healthy and strong, but we need to check she is growing. If anything changes and you feel less or no movements, you come straight back, ok?’

‘Yes, of course, should I be worried?’ I was a little worried, but only a little, I knew she would be small to them, I am a month less than they think I am. I felt bad for lying and worrying them.

‘If I was really worried, I would send you for an emergency scan, but as her heartbeat is good, her kicks are strong, and she is moving a lot, I’m not overly concerned. She may just be a small baby; you are only petite yourself so it wouldn’t be surprising. It’s just something we need to monitor’

She helped me sit up on the edge of the bed and I got ready to leave. She handed me a slip and told me to go to reception. I booked another appointment and Lilly and I left to go back to the house. I had lessons to attend, and I had already missed most of the morning.

It didn’t allow me time to dwell on anything. I was grateful for the short reprieve, but I knew when lessons were over, I would over think everything that happened today and everything that was still unknown.

It was like I spent half my time torturing myself and the other half in self-pity. This wasn’t how my life was meant to be.