Jaded heart

Day one

Gabriella pov 

From mission to mission I don't know what day it even is or how long it has been since I have slept on my own bed, since the last mission with Donte team I have been moved from one platoon to another and thats only because of the skills I have, I hate to think what will happen when I retired or am killed. I know I am took for granted and I don't mind as every time I have time off the thoughts off my father being killed come to my mind and while I am on a mission I don't think about him as much. I have come to terms with him no longer being here and I have moaned his death and now I should focus on moving on but some reason I cant. I don't know how many people have told me I am on a death wish but being so close to death makes me feel like I am close to my father and I like it. I don't know if he be proud of me or wanting me to move on and live my life however my life is the army now and I am proud even if I do go from one mission to another, I am fighting them on there soil so they don't fight us on ours. 

Arriving back to base I am ready for another mission as I look down at my hands they look a little too clean but before I have a chance to do anything, I am been giving a week leave to regroup and look after my body, I don't know how I feel about having a week off as theres nothing I want to do but I do understand where they are coming from as I am running on barely any sleep and I could get myself killed or someone around me. Running a hand though my hair I think about my week leave having no missions or anything to do, I wouldn't know what to do or where to start. Leaving the base feels weird right now as I haven't left the base in a good few months nows and I don't know what to do once I get home, I have moved to another town where no one knows me so it will properly feel different then at base. 

Parking the car I look at my empty house that has been sat here for months left untouched, as I walk inside the house I see nothing that reminds me off home or anything, I have no family photos of my parents or anything. Everything that was at my father house is in storage even photos of everything, I have a copy on a memory stick off photos and videos everything I may want to look at but need however right now I just want something to forget how lonely I am. Looking around the house I throw a pair of shorts on and a jumper making sure to grab my earphones before I leave my house, I just need something to do so I can forget. 

Starting off with a slow jog around the neighbour hood I make sure my eyes are always scanning as theres always something happening and theres no amount of bad guys I have pissed off over the last few months, being the bomb detector I am the most hated person as I ruin everyone plans and I'm always targeted for it. First couple of days at training with my father I was taught early on to always have eyes at the back of my head, anyone could be payed off for a hit and don't I know it. However I try not to think about me being targeted as I feel the cold wind run though my hair as I carry on jogging, never using the same routes around town. I have never used the same route home either and thats when I actually return which is like a month within a year and I know I probably should return back home from time to time but I jut can't be bothered as theres nothing at the place I call home. 

Slowing down my jog I stop outside a shop trying to catch my breath before I walk in and buy myself a water I forgotten to grab when I left the house, I seem to always forget something. Walking in the shop I am aware how sweaty and out of place I am but as my eyes scan the shop I don't detect any threats and I carry on with buying my water. Looking for the fridge section I walk to the back of the shop only for a water bottle and make my way to the cashier in no rush to return home, I never have. Giving the cashier a smile I pay for my water before exiting the shop and looking around the area, since moving here I have never actually looked around the town because I had no reason too because I was told this was a safe town plus I am hardly here so I didn't bother with more research. 

Running home which was more like a sprint I unlock my door and nearly collapse on the sofa needing a break but as I think back to the break I have, I remember I have a week off and have f**k all to do but sleep but some times I can barely sleep. Moving around my apartment I can only think how this is day one of day seven and I really need a hobby to do when I am given time off, I can't even go to the base to train as I was given time to rest and reset which basically means that they think they have worked me too hard recently and before I get myself killed and someone else they are benching me for a week, so they can't be at fault if I do kill someone which I would do, on purpose. 

"f**k" I say bored out my head already knowing it's still day one and I have f**k all to do, I have just finished my run and its like I am lost in who I am when I'm not working, I don't know what to do when I have free time, does anyone though.