MY DOUBLE LIFE

CLOSURE

Nandi arrived at the restaurant ten minutes earlier than she was expected to. She almost turned back. The place was desolate, for a Saturday night, and quiet, far from the streets of chaos. Gentle music echoed in the background as candlelight danced playfully around the tables. It was the kind of place Zola would've picked and she would've liked because of him. And that infuriated her. She pulled her chair up and sat. She didn't come here because of him. She didn't come here because she still loved him or because she ever wanted to see him again. She came here because she was sick and tired of running around these unanswered questions, deep down she wanted to know if she wasn't good enough for him but she knew he was just a jerk. Three years was long enough. Her waiter arrived, placing a glass of water in front of her. "Will there be anything else?" "Not yet." She glanced at the entrance. Then, she saw him. Zola. For a second, her body remembered him before her heart remembered to beat. The way he walked. The way he held himself. The familiar face that once held her world together. Once. He stopped as soon as he spotted her. A mixture of surprise and regret passed through his expression. "Nandi." She didn't stand up. "Zola." He walked up to her carefully. "Thank you for coming." "Sit." He did. For a few seconds, they stared blankly into each other's eyes, three years of memories hovering above their heads. Then Zola broke the silence, saying, "You look good." Nandi almost smiled. "That's what people say to people who don't know what to say." He looked down. "I deserve that." "No," She folded her hands on the table. "You deserve much worse." Maybe even a slap His eyes met hers. "I know." Her answer surprised her. She expected a list of defensive comments. Maybe an outburst of anger. But instead, all Zola could say was, "I've wanted to contact you so many times." "You did." "I know," "And you blocked me." "I know that too." She studied his face. So many words had passed between them and neither one of them had the guts to say them out loud. "Then why now?" Zola exhaled. "Because I finally understood that apologizing doesn't change anything." Nandi leaned back in her seat. "So, why are you here?" "Because there are some things I should've told you." She waited patiently as he hesitated. Then, suddenly, everything he was holding onto slipped away, telling her everything she needed to know already. "You cheated," she said coldly. "Yes." "You lied to me," "Yes," "You broke my trust," "Yes,"Then we're done." His face tightened. "I know." Nandi looked at him, searching, wondering if there was still some part of Zola that wanted to break her. But instead, she found something else. Something that was foreign in the face of the man before her. Something like defeat. Zola dug into his coat pocket and pulled something out. He slid a small envelope on the table in front of her. "I don't expect you to forgive me," "I won't," He nodded. "I know." She eyed the envelope on the table but made no move to open it. "What is this?" "Everything I should've given you three years ago." Nandi frowned. "What's inside?" "The truth," She gave him an incredulous look. "I don't want your truth." Zola swallowed hard. "Maybe you don't," He stood. "But you deserve to have it." Nandi watched him walk away, unmoved. She didn't call him back. She didn't open the envelope. She didn't feel any of the heartbreak or loss of trust that was supposed to sting her right now. She only felt relieved that Zola was finally leaving, and for the first time ever, his leaving didn't hurt as much as it used to. It was, in fact, the beginning of something new. Nandi was reborn in this moment, finding freedom in the fact that the man who caused so many of her problems was finally gone for good. Two days later, the envelope still sat in her drawer, untouched. Nandi had contemplated tossing it away but she never did. Curiosity, finally, got the best of her and she opened the envelope. Inside, there were pictures, messages, dates. Things she never knew about Zola. Some things that made her cringe in horror at what kind of person he really was, and, oddly enough, some things that made the memories of their relationship more bittersweet than unpleasant. But in the end, none of that changed the simple fact of what Zola had done and the pain he had caused her. Nandi closed the envelope, disappointment settling in her chest but no tears followed. She didn't call him or lash out in anger. She simply put everything back in the envelope and tucked it back in the drawer. Then, she locked it. Some doors didn't need to be reopened. Or maybe she should've burned it. Friday came again, and with it, came the transformation. Nandi stood in front of the mirror, glasses off, makeup on, red lipstick, black dress, mask on. She looked at herself in the mirror, whispering, "Tonight, we start anew." Her phone buzzed. A message from a man she had matched with a few days ago. Ethan: Dinner tonight? Nandi smiled. Nandi: What time? Dinner turned into drinks, drinks turned into laughing, laughing turned into dancing and dancing turned into yet another reminder of how much Nandi loved strangers. Because they never knew her story, they never knew Zola, they never knew the woman behind the mask. Ethan leaned closer. "You're mysterious," "Am I?" "Very," "Maybe you just don't ask enough questions," He smiled. "I'd like to learn more about you," Nandi's mask slipped slightly. There it was. The beginning of the end. She took a step back, "I don't do complicated."I'm not looking for something complicated," "Everybody says that," Ethan looked at her, surprised. "I'm just asking to see you again," Nandi smiled politely. "Enjoy your night," Nandi walked away. The crisp night air greeted her skin, her heart pounding faster than it had in a long time. Not because of Ethan. Because she almost let him get curious. Curious was not a word she ever wanted associated with herself again. Nandi opened her phone, blocked the number and moved on. One more night, one more stranger, one more person she would never have to explain herself to. Nandi smiled behind her mask. She was getting very good at this game, and couldn't wait to keep exploring herself and now that she got some sort of closure a new adventure began.