Random Thoughts

Why are they staring at me like that? Do I look ugly? Is there something wrong with me? I’m outside, waiting for someone, and I wonder why people are looking at me, as if I did something unusual. If someone asked me what power I’d like to have, I’d say the ability to hear people’s thoughts. I find it amazing, and I’m curious about what others truly feel, whether they like me, or if they’re annoyed by what I do. What about you, what do you want to be? What power would you choose? For me, hearing someone’s thoughts would make me happy, even though I know it’s impossible. "Sorry, I’m late because of heavy traffic. I’ll make it up to you next time," my friend said. Looking at her, I wasn’t sure if it was true. She’s been my friend for years, but she’s always late, sometimes an hour, sometimes three or four. Still, I understand, because she’s my only close friend. "It’s fine, I understand," I told her. But deep inside, I wished I could know her thoughts. Did she hear the tone of my voice? Did she really feel sorry, or did she not care about how I felt? I just want to see her thoughts about me. I enjoyed being with her. We went to the mall, and I loved talking with her. From her eyes, I could tell she enjoyed hanging out with me too. We’ve been friends since elementary, and now we’re in college. I treat her like a sister, though I don’t know if she feels the same way. Or am I the only one who feels that? Am I wrong to think she might just be using me? She often talks about her rough days, her ex-boyfriend, and her struggles. And since I’m her best friend, I listen. I appreciate her thoughts, and I feel lucky when she shares them with me. It makes me feel important. But when it’s my turn to share, I sometimes feel she doesn’t want to listen. She says things like, "Sorry, something came up," or gives short replies like, "Oh, okay, that’s awful." Sometimes she even leaves suddenly, like earlier today. I always try to understand. I wonder if she’s shy about giving advice, or maybe she’s not comfortable with me. But we’ve been friends for years… and I just wish I could know her thoughts. I planned to wander around with her the whole day, and I even cleared my schedule so we could bond. But I think I’ll just go home since I’m not used to wandering alone. And I wish I could do that. I always see on social media those girls who go on solo dates, and they say it’s so fun. Looking at their eyes in photos, it’s full of emotions and joy. I want to try that too. But how? I’m scared. I’m scared of people’s thoughts about me. If I did something wrong, what would they think? I don’t have the courage to do that alone, and I wish I could try it with full confidence in myself. How should I do that? Do I need to Google it? So I did. I searched: “How to be confident to be alone.” And Google answered: “Building confidence in being alone is a skill. You grow it by taking small steps, changing how you view solitude, and facing the fear of judgment. Start with short, low-pressure solo outings like grabbing coffee or reading in a park, and shift your mindset to see your own company as a safe space rather than a lonely state.” I love that. It’s easy to say and easy to read, but it’s hard to do. I’m 21 years old, still figuring out what will happen to me. I can do it, but I’m afraid of taking the risk.