BLAMELESS SORROWS

73. Buried.

Axel's Point of View.

My shoulder feel quite heavy today, not with the weight but with sorrows.

As right now, four of us are carrying grandpa in his coffin going to the cemetery. And it is not even a bit of a lie to say all of us are unwilling.

Tilbe walk in the front who is supported by Heri, carrying a white flower bouquet in her arm dressed in complete black while me, Uncle Jo, Vann and Galen carry the coffin on each end.

While all the other people follow as we march down the road of the cemetery.

Tilbe walk lifelessly walking in front of me while I know Iam no different.

Actually she have stop crying since yesterday, she went to sleep crying and have been silent since, and this worried me more. I know she must be hurting more than anything on the inside and I hope she can freely expressed as such.

But one thing I can tell for sure is that, the weather that day was splendid. The sun shining brightly, while all the flowers bloom in joy and the gentle light breeze filled with wonderful fragrance while it carries the beautiful rhythm of the hymn sang by everyone walking.

The moment was sad for sure but the beauty of the moment seems like heaven was celebrating for the coming home of an angel. It was somewhat magical and happiness was in the air for some reason.

The shiny black coffin covered in a beautiful red garment fly with the breeze as if the soul is finally free along with the flying red garment.

Maybe it was the fact that grandpa dies without any regret or maybe it was because he was so ready and was happy to be going to wherever he has to be.

But weirdly enough, grandpa's dead seems to be so sweet and happy for some reason.

But still then, my heart feels heavy for Iam not brave enough to let go of grandpa like he was to let go of his life on Iklu.

I seems to need to do a lot of growing up for me to be courageous like that, grandpa.

In no time we reach the cemetery singing and crying at the same time.

We stood by the grave as the pastor pray for the burial one final time and at last, the coffin was laid down in the grave.

And I know this really was our final goodbye, this really will be the last time I will see grandpa. With the register of that in my mind, I feel my heart shiver in fear and sadness but before that I know I still have things to do, and people to take care of. So I have to be strong, I can't let myself fall yet.

With that I lift a handful of soil and softly throw it in, which is followed by Uncle Jo. While Tilbe stand still just looking at the coffin laid inside the grave.

I went to her and hand her a handful of dirt, which I put in her hands rather then her taking it.

Axel: Come on Little one, we have to let grandpa go now.

She stayed still trembling in agony, not crying or making any sound. Just trembling in pain, she lift her hand to throw in the soil in her hand but she couldn't move and just keep on trembling, which make me to take her hand softly and help her in throwing in the soil.

This is the final act of our goodbye to grandpa.

And after that, the soil finally start to be filled in a little at a time, but surely filling the grave. And in no time, we could not see teb coffin anymore and the grave strat to fill up. We watch as I hold Tilbe closely to my arm while others start to leave leaving a private moment for the family.

We continue to watch but just as the coffin fully disappear, Tilbe shake violently and broke down once again making me quickly hug her tightly as we kneel besides the grave.

Tilbe: Ax, grandpa is going away. Ax, grandpa....... grandpa... I cannot do it, please lets take grandpa out.... please, let's... please. Just please.... lets take grandpa and..... pleas..... grandpa.....

I hug her as tight as I can, trying to comfort her in anyway I can while Uncle Jo quickly come to our side and hug us as well.

Uncle Jo: Shuss, little one. It's okay, Grandpa is okay; he is just going to a better place alright, so shuss.

Uncle Jo also cried as he looked at Tilbe and then at the grave, while we all hug each other by the grave.

Tilbe: But, we will leave grandpa all alone... here. Please, gra...ndpa will .. be so lonely here, lets take him.... back with us Uncle..... J..o.

She hiccup as he said that while both Uncle and me look at her helplessly. She is a mess right, looking completely frightened and helpless.

Axel: Little gift, listen to me here alright. You know grandpa love you the most and that he will always do anything you ask for right?

She nod slowly looking up at me like a small baby, innocent and her wounds shown in complete openness.

Axel: And this time too, he won't say no to you. So, If you keep on crying like this and keep on wishing for grandpa to be with us, then grandpa will never and I mean never be able to cross the river and will be stuck here forever. Not being alive but not gone either.

She looked at me sadness overwhelming her expressive eyes.

Axel: And because Tilbe love grandpa most too, you don't want that right?

She slowly nod in a no, a tear slipping down after another clearly knowing where Iam going with this.

Axel: So even if it is the hardest, we have to let go of the idea of grandpa being with us now. We have to let him go and wish him to rest in peace so that, all of us can go on.

She stay still, her tears never ending. While I softly wipe it away but nothing could help it as more and more drop down.

Uncle Jo: And that does not mean we could not cry or be sad about it little one. We can and we will mourn till our heart is alright with it. But before we do that, we have to wish grandpa well first right?

She look at us for a while completely stilled. While we look at her with all the warm we can gather in our gaze.

After a while she slowly turn her head away looking towards the grave, the grave which is all filled now. All the people have left by now and the only people here is the three of us.

Tilbe slowly get up and went towards the grave and slowly kneel on front of it, placing the white flower bouquet she had in her arms.

Tilbe: Grandpa, keep your promise. You have to look after me all the time alright? I will finish up all the work here and will come to meet you someday alright, wait for me till then and tell grandma and mom and dad that Iam mad at them for taking you back so quickly.

She sob as she said that while trying her best to hold her tears back at the same time.

Tilbe(whisper softly) : And please them, I miss them all so much too. Grandpa rest for a bit alright, cause in no time I will be with you and everyone else as well.

She softly kissed the gravestone as her tears soaked the soil.

Tilbe: I love you grandpa, forever and always.

She said so while crying bitterly closing her eyes in pain, both Uncle and Me quickly went to her and help her stand up, knowing it's best for her to go back home now.

Staying here will only make her feel worse.

Axel: Uncle Jo, can you please take Tilbe home first.

He nod in understanding and went away holding Tilbe, he know I need some time with grandpa as well and that this might be my last chance to visit grandpa if not after a very long time.

But as I stood there silently, with no one else besides me. I know not what to think of, what to say or what to do.

So I stood there just staring at the grave and all the flowers and wreaths it is covered with.

I stand there for hours not knowing what am I thinking of or more precisely not knowing how to express them.

I feel a terrible pain in my heart, and an unbearable sadness in me but I don't know how to relive of myself of that. I don't know how to express that to myself.

So I just stood there, just like that.

Heri: Today you are not being blindfolded.

I looked back and there she was, Heri. She slowly walk up to where I was while I just stare at her thinking, even at such moments she fell so weirdly warm.

Heri: How long are you planning to just stand here?

I look at her just lost, not really aware of what to answer or what to say even.

Heri: You know, bottling up all your feelings and emotions will make you sick from the inside. And in times it will be seen on the outside too, but by that time, it is always too late almost all the time.

I look at her, the genuine concern in her eyes and the truthful worriness in her words making my heart moved.

But I know opening up for me is not a choice, so I decide to lie my way out instead.

Axel: You seems to have got it wrong, cause Iam not the type to bottle up my feelings.

And with that I was about to walk away but before I can she spoke again.

Heri: You have been taking care of everyone. Starting from anything concerning with the funeral, to catering to all the people in the funeral and taking care of Tilbe all the way, so that she will be okay. All her cries and heart ache, you seems to be able to heal it with just your words. Because your words show how much you really cares and she knows that. But while doing all this, what about you? Who will take care of you?

Grandpa you are right again, I guess when you told me to cry; it must be because you have already know how I will be when the time comes.