BLAMELESS SORROWS

74. Rest well old man

Axel's Point of View.

Me?

Whats there about me? What is she saying?

Axel: What are you talking about? What about me? I don't need anything.

She sigh softly as she turns my way and look at me with sympathy in her eyes, while I just look at her blankly.

Heri: Grandpa is as important to you as he is to Tilbe. You love him as much as Tilbe does and he do too. Cause in any of his stories, it was never his grandchild but it was always his grandchildren. And loosing him, will make it as painful to you as it was for Tilbe. And both you and me know that, you better than me of course. Take care of yourself first, that is the only way you can take care of others.

My hand shiver as she said that, my heart seems to be shivering in fear as well.

Cause I know best that Iam hurting, that I am in pain and that I hate that grandpa won't be here with us anymore despite all the words I have said to Tilbe.

I know I hate to let grandpa go too and that if i could, I will have done anything to stop it.

And if I know how to, if I can I will have cried my eyes out too, I will have complained too, I will have shout in pain as well.

I want to do that, I know it is a bit more better than my bottled up heart right now.

But I can't, it's like I myself is stopping myself from doing so.

All I can think about is, I have to take care of Tilbe, she have to rest, she have to eat properly, I have dinner to make and besides I have to take care of the funeral, I have to worry about all the works that is piled up, and that I have to go inside now.

I can't think besides that, I can feel the acute pain in my heart clearly but everything seems to be more important and more urgent than that numb pain inside me.

My tears seems to think the same, cause they also don't make their appearance.

Axel: I really wish I know how to.

I wish I know how to lessen this pain by my heart, even if it will be just a little bit.

Heri: It's simple really, and you have been seeing it for the whole day.

I look up at her for the first time, her grey eyes are as warm as ever, her brown hair seems just to be enhancing her gentleness. She is as always, so sweetly lovely.

So warm, so gentle, so sweet and lovely that my heart feel much more heavy and much more light at the same time.

The truthfulness I see in hee countenance make it seems like she will always protect me in her warmness, and will always raised me up from my pit in her gentleness.

Heri: Cry Axel!

Just two words from her and tears flow down unstoppably from my eyes. As if it is under her control.

I stood there with tears filled in my eyes, my whole body shivering, all the pent up emotion freeing itself, flowing with my tears.

She placed a hand in my shoulder while saying to let it out, to freely let it out.

Heri: It's okay, let it out. Cry as much as you want so that you can move on. Cry so that it can be a little be better tommorow. Cry your sadness away Axel.

She pat my back softly as I cried there standing by the grave, my head bowed, my tears never stopping.

At that moment, the security I feel make it seems like Grandpa is here with me again, as if someone I can lean on is protecting me again. My guardian angel, my grandpa.

But I wish I have more courage, I wish I have more strength in me. Cause if I have some even if its just only a little bit of energy left in me, then in that moment I will have told Heri to take away her warm embrace from my back.

I will have shout at her to stop patting my back as it give me warm and comfort more than anything.

I will have yelled at her to stop saying anything, cause that is opening up my closed heart that i put so much effort to forcefully sealed.

If only I have the courage, I will have run away from the warm comfort taht surround me in that moment. If only I was a better person, I will have scram from that one light that give me enough courage to cry that one fateful day.

But I realise that after a lot of time has passed, I force myself to stop whatever I was doing. Whether it was crying or was it me seeking comfort. I force myself to stop, while closing my eye and taking a deep breath so that I can at least have a moment before I chase away the one person, I will kill to have even one second more with but I know better.

Axel: Iam okay now, so please can you give me sometimes with grandpa alone?

She look taken aback by my sudden change in countenance. But nonetheless nod in yes and take a few step back. While I stop myself with everything I have in me not to beg her to stay with me a moment more.

I look at her with a steel gaze, but that was just because I want to capture every part of her in my memory. But even that I should'nt do, so I quickly let my eyes fall down.

Heri: Take your time, I am glad that at least you feel a little better even if its just a little bit.

And she give me a small smile.

But she did not know what that small smile hold, she dont seems to know how genuinely happy and delighted she was that I was a bit better, she dont seems to understand just how genuinely happy and sincere she look as she said so and smile so.

Cause if she know she won't have done so. And because of that I stop her from going away to say one last thing while Iam able to.

Axel: Iam sorry if it's too late.

She look at me confused but before she can say anything I turn back, clearly not willing to say anything anymore.

She seems to have got the hint cause she left without saying anything as well, taking with her a part of me as well, which Iam not at all willing to part with.

Axel: Grandpa, you haven't even gone for two days and look at me, I have already cause so much trouble.

So deep a trouble.

Axel: I guess when they say we feel in love without a choice, they really knew what they were talking about.

I lay the one red rose I had in my pocket in the grave, while kneeling besides it.

Axel: I know this time, I can't run and that I have to face it but grandpa don't worry about it, cause I will take care of myself. I will take care of Tilbe, and also Iklu. Don't worry cause I have many people who will help me. So grandpa rest in peace, I think I will meet you soon as well.

With that I wipe my cold tears and stand up ready to go. Suddenly the bright weather look as if it is mocking me somehow.

Heri's Point of View.

I went away as Axel stood there, his head completely bowed while his eyes gazing at the grave.

I sigh looking at the lonely image and went out of the cemetery, where Galen is waiting for me.

I went to him and hug him while he did the same to me.

Galen: How is he?

He knew I went to talk to Axel since we both saw him just standing there for a long time.

Heri: I think we have to come back some other time, to visit Grandpa Vasely.

He nod in understanding. While I look back at the lonely back of the back once more from where we are standing, how come the more he cry, he seems to be going further in towards his own hell?

Heri: He is really a strange person!

Galen look at me curiously when I said that, while he also looked upset for some reason. But then again, we are at a funeral, what more do I expect.

Galen: What do you mean?

Heri: I don't expect him to say thanks or anything like such, but isn't it weird that when someone comfort him, he will say sorry?

Galen looked at me confused.

Galen: He apologised? Wait, did he do something to you?

I shake my head in a no as quickly as I can, seeing the deathly expression in his eye as he think something happen with me.

Heri: He did nothing, he don't even said pretty much anything. He just cried.

He cried so painfully and his expressions seems too empty that it pained my heart as well and for some odd reason even if I had all the positive thoughts I have for him, his eyes somehow seems to tell me that Iam doing something wrong.

While I was deep in my thoughts, Galen got hold of my face with his hands squeezing my cheeks.

Heri: What?

That is what I want to say but it come out much more muddled than I hope for.

Galen: Iam a very jealous man my dear

I look at him confused as to why he is informing of such information now. And besides I know this piece of information, very clearly already.

Galen: I hold myself back as much as I can and make you go and comfort him alone, while not eavesdropping even though I kinda have a desperate urged to do so.

I chuckled as he make a painfull expression when he said what he said.

Galen: And besides that if you keep on talking about him even after that, then I fear that I will lose the little patience I have garner from God know where. Iam quite jealous you see.

I pull his hands apart and quickly give him a peck, while he remain dazed for a bit as I do so, making me grin some more.

Heri: You look so cute when you are jealous. And you jealous somehow make me quite happy you see.

He grin as I said that and peck me back as well.

Galen: Well then, shall we go my lady.

I nod as he said, but before we do both of us look back at the graveyard and remain silent for a few second saying whatever is in our heart, to our great protector.

Grandpa Vasely, please rest in peace now. I promise I will do evrything to help in keeping Iklu with the peace and prosperity you have kept for us and will only strive for better. And that we are always thankful for everything you have done for us.

Galen: Goodbye old man, please rest well. Thank you for saving me.