reality is sometimes sad

If the past was wrong are there any chances that you can't change the present? Or are there any way, but you choose not to alter it? ....... There are first three stages of love when you're new to it, I just want to tell you that people tend to fall inlove a lot in their life time, they just don't know it, the first one is when you're still a child, it's new for you. The feeling. The second one teaches heartache and lessons from it. It teaches you everything you need to know to loving someone after, it'll teach you what lacks from your relationship. The third? Some would say there's no third, Some would say the third is the last, Some would say the greatest love is third, Some would say the biggest heartache will be the third, "I'm tired callie. I'm tired on how you get to be with him freely and then suddenly want me. I stand as a second option for when he's not there." I tried to voice out as my voice was getting hoarse. I looked at her with a begging eyes, now this is the consequences that i'm facing; i'm broken, what more do I deserve? I have loved her since I was fifteen and now i'm a full made woman, and I still love her. Nothing changed and nothing will change. Not until today, kasi sino ba naman ako? tao lang ako, nakakaramdam din ako nang lungkot, kaya tama na..... ang sakit kasi. "Seven-" she tried to hold on to my hands but i stepped back three steps away from her while wiping the tears from my face that couldn't be resisted. "Callie—I was sorry—ok—I—every minute that goes by and I'm still wishing that i didn't make fun of you! I 'am' accepting the stupidity that I've done-I-I know that. I'm admitting it-I-I'm not running away from what i did! I know i was wrong..." i cried again as the emotion that I'm feeling right now is very overwhelming for me. I can't breathe, I want to burst it out but i can't. "But if I just did know that you'll be making fun of me now because i love you I should've kept my f*****g feelings—I should have kept it when i f*****g kissed you in the first place on the rooftop—I should have not come back here in this place! because If i just did know na mamamatay lang naman ako sa pagiging tanga ko rito..." "Bakit kasi ako..." tanong niya sa 'kin, why would she ask me if she's worthy herself to me? She's asking her worth, Bakit ba kase ikaw? you're that person that makes me happy, my heart beats fluctuate when I'm near you, the heart wants what it wants and I can't prohibit it but could submit myself that it only hits irregular heartbeats that feel wonderful when i am near you, the love that I'm feeling towards you is overpowering that i can't f*****g explain what it is... That's just only one of the explanations why I love you... Hindi ko na alam ang ibang reason kung bakit, nakakaputangina nga kasi i can't give her an exact answer that she would want because she might expect something from me. "I don't know. Crap... I don't f*****g know Callie." I can't help but cry out in front of her. She's the only person that has seen me in this kind of state, and I am glad that I'm really vulnerable when I'm around her because I can’t simply show my emotions with people because they might take advantage of me, and now I think she just took advantage of me. How ironic. If she could just give me a chance, she only sees the f*****g flaw in me, she never gave me a chance to introduce myself to her. She never let herself see the real me. She sees me as a child with a f****d up behavior. She will only see my weakness my sudden outburst out of nothing, my mood swings, that I was a womanizer, friendly behavior as a flirty attitude. how immature i am, And i can't bear with it. I stopped sobbing and pushed to smile as to not let myself be sad. I looked at her straight in the eyes, i wanna see her face one last time, I saw her beautiful eyes with tears gushing on them, I bit my lip trying to suppress the pain, I certainly don't like seeing her crying especially when I know... I'm always the reason behind her sad face. We're not meant for one another, I am tired, truly. I'm the problem, There's just something wrong with me. I need self-love first, I have to accept it, that, no matter who I love and if I don't accept the flaws in my body, walang mangyayari sa akin, Baka kailangan ko nga talagang tanggapin sa sarili ko na hinding hindi ko siya mapipilit na magiging akin dahil mahal niya si nico. And now I realized nga ging pilit ko ang sarili nga sumueod sa anang pang batyag para malang masayran nga si nico malang do suoed gali ag, uwa eon. "All those years that I've been keeping my feelings because i thought it's stupid, I've been denying it for over a hundred times—oh my god Callie—, it just developed more when we were on that f*****g cabin!" Makaron ko eang na pan'uhan nga sa hambaeon ni mama kat unga kami, 'ayaw pag pilita do ta'wo nga indi kimo.' "Maybe...it was actually stupid..." I left her. And that was the last time i saw her..... .......