The Swiss Escape

Just go away

Alex

I had lunch with Kamryn after I took her to a particular shop. She was slightly embarrassed. It was her first time she entered an adult store before.

For being new to this, Kamryn is surprisingly open. She still struggles with saying what she wants. Her ex got into her head.

There is another hour before I can leave. I am going over administration paperwork when I hear a knock at the door. Looking up, I find Lana. “Didn’t I tell you to go away?” I go back to work.

Lana enters my office and sits down. “I want to enroll Dennis into the school.”

“Why this school? There are others: why are you bothering me?” I feel my patience running thin.

“Your school is the best. I want to move back to Zurich. Fritz and I are over. You’re the only person I know here. Well, the only person I can count on, I was always able to trust you. I took you for granted when we were dating. For that, I ask your forgiveness. Dennis should be your son. I would be so much happier if I stayed with you.” Lana looks at me with hope-filled eyes. I don’t know what she is expecting me to say.

“Lana, I don’t think this school is a good match. Mainly based on our history. I can recommend a few other schools in the-“

“Alex, the worst mistake I ever made was leaving you. You’re still my schumsebacke, can you sit there and say you feel nothing for me?”

“Lana, I feel nothing but regret when I look at you. The way you played me was unforgivable. Even if I wasn’t with Kamryn, I don’t think I could give you another chance.” The last part wasn’t exactly true. If she approached me before I met Kamryn, I would consider taking her back. But not now.

Lana begins to cry. “I need help, Alex, please there is no one else. I can’t go back to your parent's house or Fritz. Please, you have to help me. The faster I get Dennis enrolled in school, the faster I can get on my feet. Please don’t make him suffer for my mistakes.” I can see the plea in her eyes.

“Fine, but you will stay away from Kamryn and her daughter. It would also be wise to stay away from me. I don’t want to see you during drop off or pick up, don’t come by my office. Understood?”

“Yes, thank you, Alex. You are an amazing man. Kamryn is a lucky woman.” I feel a slight pain in my chest. Lana may hold a more significant piece of me than I care to admit.

We get Dennis enrolled, and he starts Tuesday. Once all the paperwork is complete, she leaves. I hold my face in my hands and run my fingers through my hair. Why is seeing her so difficult?

Not long after Lana leaves, Kamryn walks into my office. I can tell by the look on her face she’s upset. I am sure she saw Lana leaving and wants to talk about it. But I don’t. I want to sort out what I am feeling first.

“What did Lana want?” Kamryn gives me a concerned look. Is she worried I would leave her for Lana? Would I leave her for Lana?

I look at Kamryn; she’s so different. She’s kind, sweet, funny, and so much more. Lana is nothing like that. My feelings for Lana took a long time. She had to wear me down, but Kamryn. I knew right away.

Deciding now isn't the best time to discuss Lana, I tell her, “nothing important. She just wanted to bother me.”

“Did you enroll her son in the school?” She already knew? Why did she even ask?

“Yes, I did. Lana plans on moving here. Don’t worry. I didn’t put her son in your class.” I don’t want to look at Kamryn. If I do, she will just try and continue the conversation.

“Were you not going to tell me?” I can hear her annoyance in her voice. Maybe Lana said something to her. I need to tell her now isn't the time.

 “Here is not the place for such a discussion. We can talk about it after I take you home.”

“I’ll go get Kayla” She turns and walks away. I feel bad, maybe guilt for letting Lana worm her way back to me. Perhaps I am in the wrong. I don’t know; this all feels frustrating.  

We get into my car. While we are pulling out of the parking spot, Kamryn asks that we go to a park. I feel a little nervous. I can tell she is on edge.

We get to the park, and once Kayla is happily playing, Kamryn asks, “Will you tell me what you and Lana discussed?”

I let out a sigh, “She wanted my help. I told her I helped her enough. Lana asked if I would at least allow Dennis to attend school. He’s four, so it would be his last year. She was begging, so I said yes.”

“What happens when she keeps showing up? That’s how she got you the first time, right?”

Is she implying that I am dumb enough to allow Lana to use the same trick again? “You’re bringing that up with me?”

“What am I supposed to think, Alex? She calls, you don’t tell me. She goes to your office; you don’t tell me. If I were not there when she waited for you in the parking lot, you probably wouldn’t have told me. You go off with her that day, I have no clue what you both talked about, but you assure me she’s gone. Then today, she shows up again. She already has said she wishes you were single. I think I have the right to be concerned.”

“I don’t find her important enough to discuss.” I want to reassure Kamryn that there is nothing to worry about, that I don’t want anything to do with Lana. But I am not sure that is true.

 “If we were in reversed roles, would you still feel that way?”

I deflect the question. Of course, I would feel uncomfortable if I was in her position. “Do you not trust me?”

“I don’t trust anyone, especially myself.” I hear the sadness in her voice. Hearing her words makes me hurt.

I look at Kamryn. I hate what her ex-husband did to her. He made her into this self-conscious, untrusting person. “I didn’t want you to feel threatened. That is why I didn’t tell you. Do we have to tell each other everything? Can we not keep somethings to ourselves? Maybe I should’ve told you about Dennis enrolling, but I didn’t feel it was important. He won’t be near you or Kayla, so that means Lana won’t be near either of you.”

“We don’t have to tell each other everything. Keep your secrets, Alex, and I will keep mine.” She looks at her watch. “I need to go. Kayla will need dinner soon.” She tries to leave, but I stop her. “I don’t want to talk anymore. You made your point clear.”

“Kamryn, I love you, why isn’t that enough.”

“Because those are words, Alex. They are beautiful words, and I enjoy hearing them, but they are just words. There is no action behind them. Another man told me he loved me and broke me down until I felt like I was nothing. He cheated on me while I was pregnant, then told me I was no longer attractive after having his child. But he still said he loved me. He had a girlfriend and multiple one-night hookups, told me it was my fault because I wasn’t good with intimacy, but he still said he loved me. He would scold me and mock me, but still said he loved me. So, no, Alex, those words are not enough. I want to see you love me.” Listening to her words makes me both angry and sad. Anger for the person treating her in such a way and sad because I haven’t shown her she deserves better.

Feeling frustrated and confused, I tell her, “What do you want me to do? Ignore her? Tell her that Dennis can’t be a student at the school because my girlfriend doesn’t like it? I’m sorry I can’t just turn my back on her, we were together for two years.”

“And we have only been together a couple of months.”

“Do you remember what I said when we were at my house? I told you I loved you and only you. That hasn’t changed. I loved Lana at one time, or at least I think I did. Maybe I loved the idea of having someone, but I feel differently about you. There is no doubt in my mind that I love you.” Loving Kamryn is not something I doubt. It’s not loving Lana. Kamryn is the better choice, but Lana and I have history. Our relationship wasn’t all bad. We had good times.

“What about when she tries to get you back? I heard her tell you that she hoped you were single.”

I wince. I didn’t want Kamryn to hear that. “I’m not single, and she knows that. I don’t know what else to say or do to convince you my feelings are real. I love you, and only you. What do you want me to do?”

“I don’t know. I want honesty and openness. If I ask you a question, don’t brush me off.” Kamryn looks at me, and I can see the pain in her eyes. “Can you do that?”

“Kamryn, you can’t expect me to tell you everything.” I want her to understand that I am human. I don’t always think certain things are essential. There are times I will hide things from her to protect her feelings.

“Fine, Alex.” She turns away from me, and I can feel the sharpness in her voice, “keep your secrets, Alex. Keep your secret meeting with your ex. Do whatever you want with her. I will keep my secrets.”

Kamryn goes and grabs Kayla; they start walking home. She doesn’t say goodbye or looks at me. What does this mean for our relationship? Should I go after her, or does she need space?

I go and sit in my car. What am I doing? Why am I just sitting here contemplating what to do? I think back to my relationship with Lana. She did a lot of things I like. We went skiing and hiking. But towards the end of our relationship, she always complained about going. She pretended to enjoy those things and tricked me into falling for her. Kamryn I fell for because she is real. Kamryn is open and honest about who she is.

I start the car and head to Kamryn’s apartment. Pulling up, I call out her name as I watch her about to walk into the building. She looks over at me, and to my surprise, she stops. Kamryn stares at me for a moment. I can see she is hurt. As fast as I can, I run to her. “Kamryn, I’m sorry. I don’t feel anything for her but pity. I loved her once, or at least I think I did. I loved the person she presented to me. It’s different than you. Schatzi, you are not an idea or a facade. You are real. I don’t want to lose you. Lana broke my life into pieces once. I will not let her do it again.”

Kamryn just stares at me. Letting out a sigh, “We have a lot to discuss. Why don’t you come upstairs and stay for dinner?” I can’t help but smile.