The One

Ever just have to go somewhere to clear your mind because you had yet another argument with your partner? You just wish everything could go back to how things were in the beginning? I know it is so cliché, right? Well, that is exactly what I did, but because it is the real world, the wish was not granted and I did not time travel backwards. Instead, my relationship came to an end. I felt too numb to fight and, in that end, he tried to save our relationship, but it was already too late. I had already checked out. It does not mean it hurt any less because, if we are being honest, I spent years being unhappy and trying to save what we had. I was vocal about what we needed to work on and what I was hoping could happen, yet it only ever started an argument. So, for years we just spent time in an endless repeated loop arguing the same argument throughout the years. Until it finally broke us. Once we broke up, I spent days feeling numb to the outside world and soon those days turned into weeks then months. I honestly thought I would never be free from overthinking and self-doubt. I spent time trying to heal by doing things I never did and spending time with new people and as well as old friends that I had lost touch with over time. One day when I was hanging out with an old friend, she convinced me to join a dating app. I was not interested but let her have her way. She helped sort through everyone and found him, sending him a pick-up line trying to help me. I did end up meeting him and our meeting felt so natural as if we had known each other for years. All the love stories, romantic quotes and movies never prepared me for the feeling of electricity that ran throughout my entire body as my eyes met the most breathtaking pair of light green eyes. As my eyes roamed over the man in front of me, I noticed how perfect he was. From his shoulder-length black curly hair to his perfectly symmetrical face to the perfect color of his brown skin to how he was built. But I realized I was f****d as soon as he spoke because his voice was hypnotic to my ears. Soon it felt like a whirlwind romance, only it wasn't, because soon I realized no one is perfect and everyone has flaws. His flaws were revealed, and I knew they were created by the darkness and sadness that he had been through and consumed by. All by people he thought he could trust and fall back on, only to find out that is not true for everyone. Unfortunately for me, I fell in love with the bad boy who had already been heartbroken and had a dark past. He let me in just enough to keep me at his side, but not close enough for him to go beyond caring for me. His life was most definitely not as amazing as he was. He was very closed off and would hide or cover up the complete truth about things revolving around his life. I could feel his soul. It was like it was calling mine and mine was ready to rise up to the challenge, only in the end it really wasn't ready for what was to come. My life turned into a roller-coaster ride, and it was not what I signed up for. In reality, no matter what I do, or how hard I try, I cannot let him go because he is now the only person I want and no one else even compares to him. The most heartbreaking thing was experiencing rejection after learning to love the one the way they want to be loved. The way they deserved to be loved the entire time. Holding adoration for someone special can break you in ways you were never prepared for and the previous break-ups with other people you thought could have been the one just prove they really weren't. They were just getting you ready for the biggest heartbreak. Only the pain before did not compare to the one now. The never ending sleepless nights, the infinite overthinking, the endless tears and the unorthodox methods used to help forget and temporarily numb the pain. No, this pain is on another level, one no one could ever be prepared for it, because it is the one you will never get over. It is a love that lingers not only in your heart but in your mind, your soul, and your very being. It causes a physical ache just as it does a mental one. This heartbreak makes you weak to your very core, and now you have to be strong at every moment. It is one you have to cover with a fake smile and force yourself to move, making you realize that you are no longer living but just alive going through the motions.