The One

Chapter 2

Certain days can be harder, but some days just blur by.

When I met my perfect person, I not only wanted him but needed him like I have never needed anyone or anything else. Not being with that person is learning how to live by yourself again. Even though you went your whole life without them by your side, life is not the same. You don't know how to move past that part because that person remains in every inch and fiber of your very being.

Even something simple such as breathing hurts because I had to force myself to move forward while he remained totally okay. When we first met, he made me feel amazing, almost as if I had a chance at actual love. He had ignited the fire I thought had dimmed out over time. He made me laugh, and his presence made me feel safe for once. I let my guard down without even noticing until I was attached, and I was yearning for his very touch.

At first, we texted all day every day for a few months, and we would meet every weekend. Every time we were near each other, a desire would spark, and we would have no control but to let our bodies do the talking. I was unable to meet his eyes because then I would remain in a trance awaiting directions. It scared me as I noticed how attracted I was to him and how I was unable to look in his eyes because he made me nervous. I have never felt nervous before but did around him.

The connection with him was effortless. I sometimes wonder if it was an act but the way he was similar to me yet completely different. I held hope for months but after a few months he started to pull back. The messages became inconsistent and he was more distant. The weekly visits turned into 2 and then into when it was convenient only for him. I dropped what I was doing and ran to him because that was my only opportunity to see him. A few months went by like this until I started to break and feel like I was going crazy. We were not dating, so I knew I had no right to ask him for consistency just because I was giving it out of respect and my feelings for him. He refused to give me a permanent position in his life and even told me he did not intend on dating. Yet when he spoke, he spoke of hanging out with his roommate who happened to be his ex or other people and, yes, some were women. The shattering of my heart left a pounding, shattering sound in my ears.

He would tell me about places they would go, and I could feel the sting of the tears that wanted to escape my eyes. The feeling of the stabbing pain in my chest as I realized so many things as things started to fall into place. All the reasons were just excuses, but I still tried to give him the benefit of the doubt because I knew I had fallen in love with this man. Besides, we weren't dating, so who was I to judge or say otherwise?

I know it was stupid because I only gave him respect, loyalty and effort to prove my feelings, so he kept me around while I was drowning in pain and self-hate. I felt unworthy of love and remained on the sidelines waiting for him to reach for me. I was stuck, unable to pull myself back up and out from drowning.

I started to spiral and drink and take pills to numb the pain and continued to run to him when he wanted to have s*x. The car s*x and the random locations for hook-ups now make sense when the memories cross my mind. When he commented about my drinking, I knew it was time to pull back from him.

I started to pray and change my life again. I prayed for all potential partners to be removed from my path because I no longer wanted anyone else, much less to hurt anyone else, and I prayed for the pain to stop and for strength to move forward alone.

I altered my dreams for a life of solitude without someone by my side or to cheer me on. I closed off my friends again, but this time because they were not there when I was falling apart. They were only there when they needed me. When I was spiraling and in need of help or a shoulder to cry on, no one was there. I knew how they were from the beginning, but I was tired of being lonely. Turns out I chose to be surrounded by fake people instead of searching for genuine ones.

I have always been the person everyone could count on, but now it's time for me to put myself first over everyone, because I need to be okay first.