The One

Chapter3

I wish I could say it was easy to be okay, but I am still working on it. Having spent over a year with someone that was not able to ever feel the same way who gave the soulmate connection is difficult. The words he spoke are forever running through my mind. When he said he cared, yet he could go weeks without reaching out to me. He would say he wanted to know me in every way but was always so unbothered and nonchalant about things I told him. When I needed him, he was never available. What is worse is, when I lost my oldest brother, he apologized and then didn't message me for days, and you would think that would have been the breaking point to never speak to him again, but I did continue waiting for him to finally give me attention.

It made no sense for me to wait because he could not even say the words I wanted to hear, let alone prove them. I still have hope that one day he will wake up and realize we were meant for each other, then I will end with the man of my dreams, but I think maybe sometimes that one saying about some dreams that are not meant to be had is true for some things.

No matter how hard I tried to prove I loved him and was supportive and wanted him to succeed, I was never relevant enough to be noticed. Sometimes I want to escape reality and disappear, so I can no longer feel the pain I feel from loving him. Even when he would tell me he appreciated me for my patience and understanding, deep down I knew it was to keep me in line. Always in reach when he wanted something from me. I spent my whole life in the shadows and being hurt, used and misunderstood, so I have always tried to be someone I needed for other people, even when they did not value me.

Who knew the man of my dreams would be someone always out of reach and would be a man that would be the one who hurts me the most? Not even being diagnosed with illnesses caused any pain mentally, it only did physically. Yet he could cause such pain that it made me wish the sickness would take me sooner. I know it is a selfish thought, but sometimes love really is blind and makes you do and think stupid things. The way he made me feel was beyond anything I have felt before. I felt like I was going insane, and my body was feeling like I was going on detox from drugs and alcohol, yet I was sober until I had to numb that pain.

I know I have to fight the thoughts and move forward to be okay, but sometimes I still feel stuck and really just want him to hold me and tell me everything will be okay, and we will work through all this hurt and that he is in love with me and then proves it.

I cannot even close my eyes because I see the face I am in love with. He plagues my dreams and thoughts. When I am hurting physically due to sickness, I just want the man I am in love with because he is my comfort and feels like home. Only I don't get what I want and need to accept I never really have, and it will not be any different now. My dream of having the person I want will remain a dream and my life will remain lonely without a partner at my side.

The tears I cry will eventually stop and the pain I carry will lighten in time. My smile will become genuine again, and my laugh will come naturally.

As for right now, I just need to focus on getting healthy again and healing from a heartbreak I hope I can actually heal from. Trying to learn who I am now makes me question how badly I allowed myself to be dragged down and put in a place I never expected to be. An abyss of darkness and self-pity filled with loneliness and self-doubt that fills you with the thought you deserve it.

Realization of how someone you love can be damaged and can end up damaging you more than ever before all the while you try and save them and support them like a personal cheerleader. When they realize you were the one for them, and then it is too late, and you are able to finally walk away. Will they reach out and use the hold they had over you to bring you back to where you were and for how long will they have this power? I know I am the one giving the power, yet at the same time I feel like I am out of control and have no say in it.

How long does it take to breathe and not hurt? When will the memory fade, so I can look at people and not see him?