The One

Chapter 4

Some people tell me I deserve better and will find someone else. That is not the problem though. The problem is that I don't want anyone else, I just want him. Some people tell me that they can see the sadness behind my beautiful eyes, and it just shows how genuine I am and that he will come back. What if when he comes back I can't be with him because it is my turn to not be able to get over the pain he caused? And of course, there are always other people trying to be the replacement at any cost. Unfortunately, I am not one to be convinced so easily, which is why I know I love him.

I have always been able to cut people off, yet when it comes to him, I can't. The pain of leaving him is so bad. I feel my heartbreaking ripping apart, so I have to stay. Only then does the pain become bearable again.

After years of loving people and putting them first. I had finally started to choose for myself and that meant making choices I never would have made. I have always chosen wisely, never being spontaneous or being reckless. I always thought of everyone else and how they would react or if it would affect them.

This time I chose for myself and I can't say I regret it because I didn't and still don't. To finally be in love with every ounce of one person is another level of love. Yes, loving a child is somewhat similar, because you love your child or children unconditionally and wholeheartedly. To love another human that didn't come from you is like finally finding....home. Your children will leave, and you end up alone, so finding that special person makes all the difference, especially when you find your soul mate. Finding a soul mate is rare, and I have heard people saying their best friend is their soul mate, but that has to be a different type of soul mate because the way you feel for them is different from being in love with a soul mate.

Yeah, I know people say it is the same because you want to grow old with them and be with them all the time. From what I have seen, it is okay with not seeing or being around a soul-mate type friend. It doesn't physically hurt you like when you are with a soul mate that would be a partner. Your body yearns for that romantic type soul mate. It hurts in more ways than one. It is physically and mentally draining.

I personally can't say I know what having a best friend that is your soul mate feels like. I have had friends and a few best friends growing up but never felt a soul mate connection with them. I can say I have met my romantic soul mate, and it is something out of this world. The connection is deeper than any I have ever felt. I sometimes think it may be one-sided.

How can I love him so f*****g much and feel so deeply for him, yet he is so nonchalant and able to just live life as if I don't exist. When I met him, the first thought I had was... I am his, but he is not mine. To this day, I still feel that sometimes. The dreams I have always turn into nightmares making me want to scream and pull my hair out, showing the same thing no matter the thoughts I have. My conscious won't let me forget it. I was made for him, yet he was made to always be out of reach. I can feel the control over my life slipping more every day. It sounds crazy to say that, stupid to not be able to maintain control that should be so easy.

Yet I have barely had control due to me not being normal. Some people say I am weird, some people think I am special because my dreams tell me all the time when loss is near. It is just never clear about whom or what, but maybe that is because I never took time to dissect my dreams. That is for another story or time.

I just wish when I closed my eyes I didn't always have to see him leave only to return later or not return at all. I feel the loss of his presence so often you would think I would be over it and I would be able to move on. The pain feels deeper every time. Yes, I am starting to finally pull away, but there is a part of me that will never fully pull away. I will forever be at arms length in the case he ever reaches for me. So I do plan on keeping everyone at a distance for now and the unforeseeable future. If that were to ever change, that would mean I changed too. I am not sure if it would be for the better or for the worst.

I just know that it means I would have matured a little more. Hopefully, it won't be in a negative way, because I would love to be able to see my own light shine bright once again.