Finding Me

Refutable Prototype

"I say the long dress adds grace," Rose is picking out a dress. She's not chatty, but when she is picking something for me, nothing seems to hinder her.

It's been difficult ten days for me, in this, so called, home. My home. They say I belong here, it's my birth right. It's rather confusing and I'm discomforted.

I was better off with my parents, quite unlike I have a choice anyway. This life isn't exactly my type. I already hated it as it is hard to swallow. I am not interested in this life; the worst part is my suddenly appeared grandmother, forcing me to sit with her in a room so she can tell me a story or history... not sure, but it sounds quit a good fiction to my ears. And she does this regardless the deep sadness I'm socked into. She doesn't seem to care about what I am undergoing about my parents.

"The incident with your adopting parents, attracted unnecessary attentions. There are matters that should concern you more," she literally said that to me. She was disappointed for she ran into me, crying and winning, asking Rose if she know anything about what happened to my parents.

'How? What could be more concerning for me, more than what happened to my parents?'

I don't even know how what happened then befallen. It literally happened in a blink of an eye; one moment I was closing my eyes, dealing with my panic and the next my eyes were opened and they were headless. I am facing a difficulty to understand, this new life or this old woman who is claiming to be my grandmother, who is also hoping to make me get acquainted with this new wealth. I just can't pay attention to any of my life; not my past, not my present or whatever future that this woman is expecting me to obtain, in an unexpected celerity.

"Oh," Rose inhales heavy looking at me sadly. "I doubt if you heard anything I said," she says as she approaches my direction. I am in my room, very big and specious. I was told that I can decorate it the way that pleases me. I haven't seen any part of this castle with a huge land and I still didn't feel comfortable that I didn't touch a single thing in this room. After all, how can think about my comfort zone and this new life while I don't even understand what happened to my parents, the only person who cared for me, loved me? I haven't even managed to quench my sorrow, mourning my loss.

Everything happened in a day and the next I am expected to just pick up this new life and live it, like what I have passed through ment nothing, like it never happened.

"I did," I press my lips as I try to get my attention back to the now. "Something about a long dress, whatever you pick, I'll be fine with."

"I wasn't..." she shakes her head as she takes a sit on the chair before the one, I am on. She leans on the circle coffee table between us, on her left arm. "I can't say I can understand. I don't have this," she rolls her eyes as if she is looking for the right word. "This connection, when it comes to family and friend. I don't have these emotions, naturally I mean," I elevate my eyebrows in surprise to what she just said. "I don't know my parents; I was raised by your grandmother. Well disciplined."

"What the hell," I shake my head in disbelief. "This can't be life," I breathe a sarcastic smile. "After all, even I feel it. I mean, for a person who passes through a difficult time with no feeling of belonging to anything or anywhere, also," I press a sad smile to the memory. "I never have a friend unless some are looking for a way to bully me. Except Cat."

"Then I'm lucky that I don't have to pass through it. I'm sure it was boring as it sounds."

"Of course not. No offense but, you're not living but existing. Good or bad you need these emotions to make you feel like man."

"And you think you are?" She asks me surprised and I frown tilting to my left. I never even imagined that someone would ask me such question.

"I suppose you're developing a habit out of running late," the grandmother disrupts the start of interesting conversation. I turn to see her and she is already dressed and ready to go. "It's disgusting," she adds in disappointment but I doubt if it's over my lateness but over Rose, perhaps for keeping me busy.

"I'm expected to simply slip this dress on," I answer to her as I snatch a dress that was in Rose's right hand.

"Work on her manners to dress up, there shouldn't be simple, never."

"Yes mam," standing from her seat Rose nods her head and see her off.

"What's her problem?" I mumble loud, hoping to get some sort of explanation, but Rose seems to get a bit disturbed that she gets her focus back on dressing me up. This time around as quickly as possible.

I am in a long maxi black dress and a cartwheel hat, I never for once let my hair loose but Rose insisted on it; it's curly and long it anyway manages to cover my look in addition to the hat. We drive to the airport and that private jet. I still can't understand why she have to rush me to this castle, then agin, fly back for the funeral. If we have to fly back again, why didn't we wait till the funeral? It feels unnecessary.

We fly for about three hours and just as I get in a car, I feel exhausted, both emotionally and physically. We drive to where the service is held. It's not even open casket and I realize I miss them dearly.

"I can't say goodbye," I whisper as I try to walk back, but the grandmother Audra holds my hand. I can say this is the first time she ever tries to be here for me. She never touched me before, but she is warm unlike her character. Her touch is comforting.

"This isn't Goodbye," she whispers to my right ear as she wraps her arm around my shoulder. I never felt safe in anyone's embrace the way I am feeling now. "They will always live with you, in your heart. This is a time for you to make a promise that you will live the life you always deserve. They deserve that much for they make sure you grow up this fine," she adds and she tightens her hand on my shoulder. I want to die too, have my body lined beside there's.

I look into her eyes as I lean on her. I slowly turn around to look who attends the service. Everyone we know in our life is here. All their friends, friendlikes and my two aunts from my mother's side. Even those who hardly visited us.

"Hey sweetie," auntie Tina takes over in holding me and I explode in tear.

"It's okay love," anti Martha start rubbing me on my shoulder. I sit with them in the front line to the right wing from the entrance.

Maybe it's the loss that's bringing their weak side awaken for me, but I know them as someone who don't really like me. They would smile simple and act like they like me, with an obvious forced smile. I recall mom dearly disappointed at the way they used to be. Now that I know I am not their real girl; I think my aunts hate me for I am the air to what they have. both my aunts hardly work and their life is filled with struggles.

After the service begins, I start to feel like dying. Bunches of fake friends start saying stupid things, as if they were close to them. Friends who were never even cared to exchange greetings.

"Is that your grandmother?" aunt Martha whispers to my ear from my left and I turn to see her. "She seems too old but too rich."

"It's not the time or place, but no doubt life is easy," aunt Tina takes over.

'So that was it.' their reason to get quite close to me for the first time in their and my life. Words must have spread too fast, that I am now part of a wealthy family. 'How dare they!' I can feel my blood boiling up.

"Are you serious?" I ask them through my teeth. 'How dare they try to spit on my parents grave? And I mean every one.' I stand up with my hand in a fist. I turn around to get a better look at everyone. I turn to my left where my grandmother Audra is by. She seems shocked and already trying to approach me. Rose is on her feet and in shock, but she seems ready, though I'm not sure for what.

That feeling again, too cold and too hot at the same time. My ears are deafened. My skin is freezing as I feel fire within me. I am not breathing, I am holding it all in. My eyes, it feels like changing shape as it magnifies some, certain peoples that don't belong here.

"How dare you!" I finally scream, in an oddly deep voice and I feel the fire breath of air blowing out through my lips and as I am looking at them I see those certain people's heads burning off; skin at first, flush follows and then their skull get smashed in the air, as if it got blown off like a dust. I can see it as if time just gets slowed and all the steps are clear. I calm down as I get a relief through the breathing.

Gasping while I frown, I look down at my hand. It's pale from the coldness and I look up to see what I just did. Everyone is screaming and trying to run out, some selected are headless, including my aunt Martha, as Tina is facing difficulties to breathe, with a partially burnt face and on the floor. Rose touches an older friend of my father and he touches another; the chain goes on in an incredible speed and they all stop screaming and the running. No one reaches to the exit and silence takes over with no one moving.

"Sleep," Rose orders and everyone falls down as grandmother Audra holds me. Everything is happening in less than a second.

"Calm down now," Audra whispers to me and I look down at myself; I'm changing back to my normal skin color. I look up, back to my grandmother and I see her smiling soft, but her eyes changed into a total flint gray color, more like a smoke like structure covers it completely. She turns away from me and gasps her lips for a breath and a smoke with the exact same color that covered her eyes pours out her lips. The smoke fills the church service aria as she holds me down to the ground and lay down beside me. "It'll be fine, she presses a smile as I close my eyes.