The mind of a grown child's thoughts.

Cleaning my kitchen a random thought came to my mind, I've always known my mother as a strong independent woman, carrying the world on her shoulders while raising a hot tempered disabled, handicap and, special needs child on her own. Looking back now I wonder did she ever suffer from anxiety or depression like I do? Did her thoughts ever get the better of her? All those years raising me alone while her husband who was more of a stranger to me was in another state working for the military. I never saw them share a bed, he normally slept in mine while I laid next to my mother when he did visit. Growing up I never took into account my mother's thoughts or feelings something I regret. She tried to guide me but growing up I let a lot of things lead me off track. Allowing my anger and emotions get the better of me, I hated taking my meds but I still did "to make me feel better." While my poor mother suffered the effects if the medicine never worked. All I saw was myself and my wants. Growing up I did my best to be there for her, especially when my dad died. It never seemed like enough all I saw were my mistakes my siblings and biological mother being the first to bring them all up. I always kept getting threatened with being locked up in a psych ward. I tried so hard but always got it wrong. I wondered through it all how did my mom feel? She grinned and bared so much, defending me when she should have just washed her hands of me. No one would have blamed her hell looking back I wouldn't of either. How did she hold it all down? She never showed her stress when it came to bills, she never brought it up when I was around. I was on so many medicines looking back how did she make it work affording everything. She took medicine to... How did she stay so strong and smiled through. I remembered anytime she cried I felt parts of me dying and I would cry too. It hurt and I couldn't fix it. I never took her into account, I should have, I should have done better. My mom was the only person in my everyday life that didn't throw my mistakes in my face, always nice to my face while talking s**t behind my back. When it was convenient to them I would find them holding a knife to my back and they would show their true colors. It always hurt but I was never surprised I was the black sheep of the family. My siblings were one of those people, causing me to feel more and more empty, I always missed my older brother he was the first to always want to hang out up until he moved away, then he changed, at the time I didn't know why, looking back being older now I understood, he was a teenager wanting to hang out with his friends and girls. At the time when I didn't know or understand all I could feel was abandoned. My sisters off and on would sometimes visit along with my little brothers. I would still find myself fading into the background while they went on without me. I had a lonely childhood I had my parents, animals, stuffed animals and, dolls to keep me occupied. Growing up later in my teen years things only got worse, I take the blame for it all, I should have done better but I failed miserably.. causing pain to my aunt and uncle. Causing a rift between me and my cousin, soon I was found having to face a wall from the time I woke up to the time I went to bed raising my hand to use the bathroom. Feeling even more lonely. I learned when opening up to people to be selective, don't talk to kids with what you went through in the past, they were to young to hear any of that. It still felt nice having someone to talk to about it all as horrible as that sounds. I became isolated up until I decided to be even more stupid, I drove the sword clean through the finish line leaving paid and disaster in its wake. Hurting more people that I cared about, I could never atone for it or make it better. Again still only focused on myself, I never took my aunt's, uncle's or cousins feelings into consideration. I wonder looking back now how did my parents feel? How bad was the disappointment? Looking back now I'm living on my own, paying bills and still all I see are my failures over 20 years long. Things I wish I could change and rewrite. My siblings were strangers to me, I lived with them one time from the age of 9 to 12 in a half years old, sometimes I would visit or stay the night, one time my mother and 3 younger siblings live with my mother and I after dad died. It was still the same, I was ignored, I was the let down and I did all the wrong. I worked hard caring for my mom, cooking and cleaning for everyone, we were so packed in that 3 bedroom house, my younger brother in the basement with his friends, my other brother in my dad's old room up until we switched, my biological mom getting my old room and my mom sleeping in the living room on dad's old hospital bed. Even then I should have ignored what my family were saying and pulling, should have ignored my biological mother's husband and his verbal and emotional abuse. One day it got bad and him and I got into a physical fight. My older brother telling me I was at fault and I was always f*****g things up, not wanting to hear my side. If he had he would have known he had started it, it didn't matter though. I really should have walked away. Again not taking my mother's feelings into account. My mom told me how I was paying half the mortgage and if I left they would be screwed, one day after a really bad fight with my then ex I moved and became my own payee. Not realizing doing that took way my mom's survivor benefits. It didn't take long for cabinets and shelves that was once filled with food to go bare, my mom's health back peddled and fast. I honestly feel like it was my fault my mom died, she died a couple months after I died. I should have stayed. I was heartbroken when I saw my moms house, heartbroken when I saw my mom. She needed her potty chair emptied and she needed a bath. No one had bothered to help, my younger sister stayed in a camper out back only coming in to shower or put make up on or just leave in general. I was only of use to her to buy her and her "friends alcohol" After that just like with everyone else I was disposable. My mom never made me feel that way, it was nice it really was nice. Yet I kept letting her down being the reason why she died. I miss her and wish she was here, I wonder if she would be proud of me? Or would she be let down again or still? I want so badly to apologize to her for everything, to my aunt, my uncle, my cousin. I saw my mom the day before she died, I was praying she would live and be okay, she was sleep walking in her sleep because she saw my dad, my mom fell and broke her hip, the next day she passed away, my family saying if I showed up I would be escorted out by security.. They said my mom claimed to be afraid of me and that I broke her arm at one point. It killed me people that weren't even apart of the family went to see my mother on her death bed, it was hard to wrap my head around because less than 24 hours earlier my mom was kissing and hugging me saying she loved me and bragging about how I was her youngest. Even holding my hand. After hearing their claims it did damage to me, I get stuck looking at photos of my mom and I seeing if there was a hint of fear against me. A year after losing my mom I went through an awful break up and once again my "family" took the sides of my ex and talked s**t on me, My sisters being the first to spray their venom finding new ways to hurt me for their little games, anything to make me out to be an awful person. I have an honest love hate relationship with my family. I love them and want to be apart of their lives, I want to see them smile and be happy, I want to be apart of it, trying to keep a promise to my mom to not move back to Washington yet try and make an effort to be a "family" to my family. I just don't belong in it though so how do I fit where it's obvious I'm not wanted? I try to keep the promise attempting to sweep aside all the pain, anxiety I have talking to them. How do I make it work when they already have the brushes and portraits that they painted of what they think of me? I got so angry with my mom when she died, she could have made it, she could have fought it, all she had to do was wearing a special mask to bring her 02 levels down, I was being selfish again not thinking about my mom. She had spoken to me months before she passed away. Saying she wanted to go home, she missed my dad, she missed her parents, she asked me not to be upset with her for wanting to go home, I told her I wouldn't but I wanted her to stay because I didn't want her to go, I supported her however and I would greatly miss my mom and my bestfriend. What did I do? Went back on my f*****g promise! I got angry and I cried as hard as I could begging my mom to come back. My family so quick to make me a horrible person and avoiding me at my mothers memorial only "dealing" with me when I walked up to them. Looking back all I see is destruction of it all. The faults are all mine even if it wasn't mine to bare, I was often used as an escape goat so it's okay that I take it on I'm alright. I somehow made it through, having so many medications in my system at a time, often altering who I was, I did my best helping my parents, weather it was helping them in and out of the bathroom when they took showers, cooking and cleaning, cleaning my dad up when he had an accident, going with them to their appointments or physical therapy, helping them with their meds, riding along in the ambulance with them when their health declined. Or they had really bad health scares, helped them after their surgeries and learning to stay calm and have a poker face while being on constant edge when I didn't understand what they were going through health wise it all just sounded back and scary all the time. Knowing their was so much going on what did I do? I f*****g back talked and threw fits all because I wanted friends and do fun things I was being selfish all the time never understanding what they went through. I was horrible! I was a f*****g monster, I should have known better! I was selfish that whole time, fighting them on doing my school work while they went through all this hell all because I made excuses I didn't even try to understand my schooling, I just looked at it and didn't understand so I didn't try, making my parents stress out even more. I was a horrible child. Turning 18 I didn't seem to get any better because I said f**k it and left, leaving my mom alone in a mess knowing I was paying off the mortgage I still dipped. My mom's house was disgusting reeking of animal pee, my biological mother's husband said if I came back to my mom's house I'd be arrested for trespassing, I still asked my mom to visit and she told me I could. I visited with my mom, emptying out her potty chair and cleaned it, swept and mopped the floor, buying my mom over 600 dollars in food than gave my mom over 100 for her to hold onto. She seemed so happy to see me. All that rings through my head was how she was afraid of me. If I stayed she probably would have lived longer but I left abandoning my own mom, the very woman who raised me and walked through hell for me AND I LEFT HER! I have no right calling myself her daughter when I ended her life after abandoning her. I only have contact sometimes with my brothers and my biological mom, it's nice when we talk for the most part, there is just a lot I keep having to work through, I often wonder if they love me as much as I love them, I think they just forget about me until I just randomly pop up.. I have no contact with my sisters honestly it's better that way, they could give two shits about me, however I'm a great person and the first person they usually talk s**t on. They are best friends with each other go figure they act a lot alike. Fake, self righteous, stuck up and seem to think the world revolves around them. They're favorite thing to do is claim I'm a danger to society and myself. I often wondered how would they feel being treated the way they treat me? Who knows all I know is writing this all out I still feel so heavy and tired, I understand my mom a little with wanting to go home. Because it seems like I'm holding onto a rope that only seems to be hurting me more. When I was 18 I had a seizure in the bathtub and wound up drowning, I stopped breathing I was cold, My adopted sister Michelle had saved me and I was taken to the hospital they had to get fluid out of my lungs, I remember the pain and feeling sick from the bathwater that was in my stomach, the soap kept making me throw up adding insult to injury. I am thankful I was saved but to be honest I wish they would have found me far to late so I couldn't save me. I've made attempts on my life, the first one when I was 9 I've had several close calls. Honestly sometimes I wish I could feel my body slip away and go into a permanent slumber. Never feeling pain or anxiety again. What keeps me here is my person, he helps me and he finds a way to numb the pain. He tries so hard to bring me out of my head another reason I fight to stay is my family I created. I hate when things get so heavy and I try so hard not to speak up about it because I go back to when I had to be secluded into staring at a wall morning, noon and, night, I don't want it to be used against me like bullets' being fires at me like "family" and "friends" have done in the past. I don't want to be told I'm looking for a pity party. How do people talk about what all has happened without it back firing. I feel so much pain that sometimes I feel like I'm drowning fighting to get back to the surface, other times I'm reminded about how selfish I am, never taking anyone into account and always letting them down. Constantly leaving disaster in my wake. I'm always f*****g up! How did my mom get through life being such an amazing person? I want to be a good person too, I want to take others into account and help out. I'm so tired of being this big screw up. I want to be the person my parents, my aunt, my uncle and cousin could be proud of. More importantly I don't want to hurt anymore, I want my mind to go quite and I want to be someone others could rely on rather than avoid. I want to stop feeling like I'm drowning and I want the shame I feel from my life to disappear or just not ring so loudly through my head. I want to cry without feeling like it takes all my strength to any of it out because it's been locked up for so long, I don't want to be tired after crying or feel embarrassed if someone see's me cry. I want to feel pretty in my skin...I want to be the opposite of who I seem to be now. How did my mom get through life? How did she stay intact and not falter? How did she and why did she stay by my sad for so long? Why did she decide to step up and raise me? She could have said no and let a stranger raise me would that have been better? I don't know I just wish I did better growing up and I wish people would see me and feel proud of me or happy to see me. I just seem to be a dark shadow that haunts people, they tolerate me because they feel like they have to. My mom was amazing and people loved her, she brightened a room by simply walking into a room. I was just the weight she carried that she didn't have the heart to let go of. I remember often crying to my mom begging her not to leave me behind, feeling the pain in my chest and, the fear in my bones that one day I would wake up and, she wouldn't be around. I have been so selfish as a "person" I wish there was a cheat cheat to become a better person. I should have taken other people's feelings and battles into account before I made the choices I did, before I said the things I said. My mom never went back on her word and she never faltered. I want to be like her.