Amanda Maddox

There is nothing more beautiful than seeing the millions of lights shinning and blinking throughout the big city of New York. I'm standing on the rooftop of my 25-story building on this chilly night, and I didn't come here to enjoy the view or the weather. I came here contemplating jumping off and ending my life. A thought that has crossed my mind more than once in the last two weeks. It's been more than eleven years since I last tried to end my life for the first time, and here I am in the same predicament once again. Except this time, I'm a grown woman. Back then, I did it because I was devastated that I couldn't make it to the Olympics. My dreams were crashed by that f*****g injury in my hand. But today, I am being deceived by love. If there really is a mighty power in heaven, he must be making me pay for all my transgressions, and I surrender to it. My parents always took us to church on holidays, especially Easter and Christmas. I always heard my nanny mention god in everything, but I am doubting his existence today. I feel like I can't handle this pain. I fought hard for the love I had for Daniel. I even lost my family to be with him. And just when I thought we had a shot at a normal happy life, I lost our baby. I killed our baby. I couldn't protect him. And I am broken. I'm not even worth being alive. My dream of becoming Daniel's wife finally came true. We got married, and we decided to have a baby right away. We had been together long enough to know which direction we wanted to take, and I also had baby fever. My best friend's life was filled with so much joy at the birth of her baby boy, and I wanted a chance to live a great life with my own little family as well. So, we got pregnant a few months after we settled in our new home. I got the job I have always wanted. I had the man I loved. And I was ready to welcome our first baby. A boy. He was a very active baby. He kicked my belly from the moment I woke up, to the moment I rested my head at night. He rocked my abdomen like a freaking accordion. And I had to use a gazillion pillows to help me sleep. Daniel would read him books and play his country music almost every day. We even had a name for him. We were going to name our sweet boy after one of his father's favorite artists, Luke Bryan. But two weeks ago, I stopped feeling my baby move. I knew it was abnormal, considering that he woke me up each morning. He would kick my bladder like he was kicking a soccer ball, but that day I felt nothing. Nothin. I had been seeing my doctor every two weeks since I was thirty-two weeks pregnant already. Our baby only had a few weeks left before he came to this world, but our lives were shattered when we learned that our baby had died. The umbilical cord had wrapped around his neck, taking our baby from us before we could even hold him in our arms. I was induced with a big doze of pitocin, making me be in labor for almost five hours before I had to push the lifeless little boy out of my uterus. I refused to use any drugs, because the pain I was feeling didn't compare to the wrecking pain of losing him. Nothing would ever compare to the pain of losing my little boy. It feels like part of me died with him that day. A woman looses her husband and she becomes a widow. A man looses his wife and he becomes a widower. A child looses his parents, and he becomes an orphan, but a woman loses her son, and what do I become? Broken. I am broken. Nothing in this life could fill that void, or ease that pain. I will forever wonder what his life would have been like. Would he have looked like his handsome father? Would he have laughed hysterically like me? Or would he have been peaceful like Daniel? And now, I will never know any of those things. I will certainly cry for him on Mother's Day, every year, for the rest of my life. I will miss him during the holidays, and around his birthday. This pain is too much to carry on. That is why looking down at that cold and dreary sidewalk from above here is the best option I could come with. "Ahem! Would you please step away from the ledge?" Olivia's voice echoed in the dark. I took a deep breath. "Did Daniel ask you to come?" "Yes, he did. You are shutting him down, and he is very worried about you. He's scared." "This hurts too much, Liv." "I know, Maddox. And I also know that I won't be able to take your pain away with anything that I say, but have you considered Daniel? He's not only hurting from the loss of his baby boy, he's also hurting to see you like this." I peeked down at the semi-dark concrete at the bottom. "Maybe this is a sign that we are not meant to be together. He needs a wife who could give him children. Not kill them." "And yet, he chose you, and I am confident that he will choose you over and over again." "But our baby is dead." "And what are you going to do? Kill yourself while leaving everyone else hurting even more? Because I will not bring flowers to your grave. Hell no! I will remember you as the selfish b***h who left her husband with all the pain and sorrow to destroy him. And I swear, if you jump right now, I will go to hell to bring you back. Then I will kill you with my bare hands for scarring Timothée's life like that." "You brought the baby?" I asked, turning myself in her direction to finally face her. "Of course I did. It's his bedtime and he won't go to sleep unless he's in my arms-- with my tit in his mouth." "s**t!" "Yeap! Come sit with me. Let's talk about it." "Can I hold my godson?" "Sure. He's quite heavy. I could use some help." I walked towards the patio set under the gazebo. She removed her baby from the wrap carrier; he was safely enveloped by his mother's embrace. Olivia then placed him in my arms and I covered him with his cozy blanket. I looked at his angelical face and smiled. "When is he going to get any hair?" I joked. "I don't know. Ethan was bald until he was almost two," she laughed. "And I had barely any hair too." I caressed his big cheeks. "What the hell are you feeding him?" "I'm still breastfeeding him. And during the day, he eats his fruit and vegetable puree." Olivia kissed my forehead. "It's hard being a mom, you know, but it's also the most amazing experience in the world. I get that you are hurting, and you are also blaming yourself." She let out a deep breath. "There is no pill I could give you to ease that pain, but I want you to know that you are not alone. You have all of us. And you are not to blame for this. Maybe baby Luke spoke to God and told him that he wasn't ready to be born yet. He'll come back to you in a year or two. Or maybe sooner." "Is Ethan here too?" I asked, ignoring her last statement. Daniel had said something along those lines the night we held our baby in our arms. I had to be given a sedative because I refused to let them take my baby for almost three hours. "Yes, he is. Amelia and James are on their way here too. Daniel needs the guys too." I felt terrible for Daniel. He has been by my side all this time, and I have completely ignored his feelings because I was too wrapped up in my own emotions. I know he's hurting. I can see it now. "Can I spend more time with Timmy?" "Absolutely. He needs more love and attention," she chuckled. "He almost cut my n****e off with his sharp little teeth," she added, making me laugh. "I was breastfeeding him and Ethan thought it was a great idea to mess with him." "What did Ethan do to make Timmy bite your n****e?" "Timothée likes to suck on one breast while he plays with the other one. Ethan was lying right next to us on the bed, and then decided it was fun to latch onto my n****e and tell his son that the other breast was his. Timothée got mad that his father had threatened to take my other breast, so he wrecked my n****e with his sharp little choppers." I burst out in laughter. "I was bleeding, Maddox. It's not funny. It hurt like hell." "What did Ethan say?" I snickered. "That he was sorry, and then took Timothée from my arms as I screamed in pain." We both laughed, and my godson stirred in my arms. "We should probably go inside. It's getting windy out here." Olivia gave me a small nod and I followed after her. Our apartment was on the 15th floor, but we walked down the stairs instead of taking the elevator. "Thanks for always showing up for me, Liv." "Always girl. Always." I halted at the entrance and gave Olivia her baby. I had to know what to say to Daniel once I had him in front of me. I recognized how self-absorbed I had been, and now my heart was hurting for him. He didn't speak at all. He swanned across the living room and pressed me tight against his chest. I felt the hot tears streaming down his face. "I love you, Mandy. I don't know how long this pain will last, but I guarantee you that things will get better for us. Please don't leave me. I need you, baby. I will not be able to survive without you." "I'm so sorry, Daniel. I'm so sorry." I cried. "We'll get through this baby." "I know we will. I love you too." The room was quiet. Ethan and Olivia were giving us our time to hug this pain out, but then the doorbell rang. "I'll get it. I think it's James and Amelia," said the billionaire. We always make jokes about him changing all of our lives the day he visited Virginia and fell for Olivia. And it was them indeed. Daniel kissed me, and then he enveloped me in his arms once more. "Let me make you a tea," he offered. "Do you guys want to order some noodles? Amanda hasn't eaten a good meal in days." "Daniel, I'm not that hungry. The tea will do." "I don't want noodles. I want pizza," announced Olivia. "Wow!" exclaimed Amelia. "Olivia LouBennet wants to eat pizza this late at night?" she chuckled. "I thought you didn't eat any carbs after 6:00 p.m." "I deserve some pizza after almost losing my n****e," she grimaced. "You almost lost your what?" wondered a surprised Amelia. "To Ethan?" joked James, shortly after he smacked the culprit on his shoulder. "Oh, let me tell you," I volunteered the information. My mood had changed the moment Olivia showed up with my godson. I wasn't sure how long before the pain broke through the layers of my soul again, but I was going to enjoy my friends' company for now. They have been with us through thick and thin, and I love them because they love me even in my darkest moments. Daniel and I are bless to have friends we can call family. "Okay, the pizza has been ordered," my husband informed us. "I need to change Timothée's zippy." "Let's go to my room," I offered. Olivia and Amanda followed after me. "Baby, let us know when the pizza is here," I told my hubby. The girls and I went into my room and the three of us climbed onto my bed. Olivia started changing Timmy's zippy and we rested on the one-hundred decorative pillows. "Can you guys help me pack Luke's nursery away? I think I want to donate it to the hospital or to a local foundation." "Say no more, we can come back and do it over the weekend," Olivia promised. "Olivia, do you think your therapist could help me? I don't want to feel dead inside, but I can avoid feeling this way." My friend has been through a lot. Someone had tried to murder her, and she had nightmares for the longest time. Her husband set up an appointment with one of New York's best therapists, who happened to be a great friend of Ethan's. "I'm more than certain that Isaac can help you. I'll send him a text and I will personally take you to him." Amelia and Olivia kept my mind wrapped in other things. Suicide is not a joke, and if anyone has any of those terrible thoughts invading their minds, then they should seek help immediately. Olivia's comment made me realize that leaving Daniel with a double load of pain wouldn't be fair for him. I love him way too much to hurt him even more. If I was able to stand up and fight my family for what we have, then he would be worth fighting for this time again.