Plus Size Love

* Pain is pain... *

"Ooook..." He sighed. "I'll definitely need some therapy after this kind of intense rejection... But that's why I pay Martin anyways. So, let's face one trauma at a time, right?!" I huffed loudly, rolling my eyes at him. "Don't roll your eyes at me Miss! You asked for it..."

"No, I didn't..."

"Yes you did, you said: you first. So now shush and listen..."

"Ok, I'll. But don't you dare to shush me again."

He took his turn to roll his eyes at me. I just did my best to stay quiet and let him start or we would be teasing each other like two kids forever.

"Ok..." He sighed. "Wow... This is harder than I imagined." The energy of the conversation immediately started to change, we were about to enter into deep s**t topics. I could feel it. "Ok. I can do this."

He said more to himself than to me.

"I had trouble with being locked at small spaces my whole life. I'm better nowadays. It was way worse when I was a kid... Way, way worse." He looked at me shaking his head. I could only stare at him and nod, letting him know he had my full attention.  "When I was 9 I had my first panic attack, some older boys locked me at the janitor's closet at school, it took more than 2 hours to someone to find me. I was screaming for the whole 2 hours, trying to knock down the door with my fists until they were bleeding. I just lost it. I still remember the feeling of being there, everything I could think off was that I was going to die."

His gaze was lost at a darker point of the grey carpet that covered the floor inside the voice recording studio. Probably someone spilled their drink in one of the many sound trial sessions we had in the past two weeks.

I was nervously holding my own hands on my lap, stronger than I should... It was starting to hurt a little. But I had to prevent myself of touching him in an attempt of offering comfort.

If I learned anything with my own therapy sessions, was to never touch someone revisiting his worst memories, they needed space to go through it at their own pace. And if someone touch you in the middle of the process, you kind of disconnect yourself and that bad feeling keeps lingering around you for a while instead of closing the cycle. I had to hold myself until he finished.

"The school's nurse had to give me sedatives after they manage to let me out of the room. I was in a pretty bad shape. My mom was out of her mind... She was ready to set the entire school on fire and dance over its ashes..." He let a soft laugh out.  "I felt bad for her, we were just starting a new family arrangement... She was recently married with Paul, my stepfather, he was a great guy... He liked me and was crazy about my mother... I didn't want to ruin her happiness after seeing her struggling to take care of me by herself for so many years. But I couldn't do anything to stop the fear I was feeling... And for two months I kept everybody at my block awake during the nights, I was having what the doctors call night terror syndrome. I was sleeping, but my eyes were shot open and I kept screaming like someone was trying to kill me... It was f*****g hard for them..."

He gave me a tired smirk, shook his shoulders and inspired deeply.

"I'm sorry that you had to go through that..." I mumbled lowly, staring at his eyes so he would know I meant it.

He nodded gently and gave me the saddest smile I have ever seen.

"That's not the worse part yet." He admitted. And I hated to be right... We were about to dig into deep deep s**t.

"Along the years we tried everything,  conventional therapies, alternative therapies, art therapies... If it had therapy in the name we were doing it...  The night terror syndrome got better and eventually stop, but nothing else would change and for 4 years I had to learn to deal with my panic attacks, since I didn't want to numb myself with all the drugs the doctors want to give me and I had really bad reactions to them. My mom and Paul were there for me all the time... always so patient with me that was unbelievable. It was only when I was 15 that a friend of Paul suggested a session of hypnosis... We did it, it was hypno"therapy" after all... So..." He made a movement with his hand indicating how the things developed. 

"It took a few sessions, but we finally discovered what triggered the panic for the first time."

He inhaled deeply and I held my breath.

I couldn't even blink.

"Apparently my aunt, that used to take care of me when my mom had to travel for work, decided that she wanted to go and spend the night at a night club. So she locked me in my room when I was sleeping and left thinking that she would be back in a few hours. But.... She got drunk, used more drugs and went to the house of a random guy, letting me there by myself for more then one day. I was 4..."

Fuck! I covered my mouth with my hands and I could feel my eyes starting to fill with tears. I couldn't imagine a little boy in a situation like this... my heart was breaking appart.

"My mom remembered of noticing me in a really bad shape in one of the times she came back home after a long trip. But my aunt said that we were probably getting sick, so she took care of me and never suspected anything. We just discovered the true because after this session I went to see my aunt and basically threatened her until she told the truth."

I couldn't move, speak or think about anything. I was in shock. My brain was taking a huge amount of time to process all his story. We weren't looking at each other, we were both staring at the opposite wall.

It took me a few minutes to reach his hand and squeeze it. The way he looked at me was clearly showing that he was so lost inside himself that he almost forgot I was at his side. I had no words, I moved to his side glueing our arms together pulling him into a strange side hug and gently caressing his shoulder.

He exhaled loudly and I felt his body relaxing just few seconds before he bend his head and touch the top of my head with the side of his.

We stayed like this, without speaking or moving for a considerable time.

It took me by surprise when he spoke again.

" Thanks for hearing me. I... Hum... That was the first time I told anyone about all this... It felt good.... Really good... But..."

"Don't worry." I secured him. "It stays here, inside these walls. You have been through a lot... "

I put some centimeters of distance between us to look at him, and he had a slightly frown at his face. My confusion should be stamped at my own, so he answered before I could ask.

"I was feeling really comfortable like that. Just come back..."

I chuckled. But did what he said. And could feel his body leaning into mine again and his head bending over mine one more time.

" I'm kind of ashamed of my story now." I admitted. "Seems so silly and shallow of me to suffer as I did in comparison with what you had to go through."

"There is no thing like that. Pain is pain... " He tried to reassure me. " If it hurts you, it hurts you..." He pointed.

"Ok. I believe it's my turn now..."