Fool in Love with the Jerk

Red... Yellow... Blue... These are the primary colors which I can associate my life with. Red for the huge pile of trenchant bayonet covered with fresh fluid of life coming from the bruises of my heart. At this very young age, misfortune knocked in front of our house and me having a juvenile mind and heart, opened the door widely. I welcomed him thinking that he could be my playmate, but he stabbed me from the back. He robbed the innocency of my heart, then left me, wounded. If I will be given a chance to be another person, I'll surely grab that chance without hesitation. I won't answer like all other teens would, saying: I will still choose to be me because... blah blah blah... and all other clichè lines. Why would I still choose to be me if no one wants me? If no one loves me? If I will be given a chance to have a new identity, I will choose to be someone who's not a subject of betrayal. I want to be someone who is lovable, 'yong hindi iniiwan ng mga mahal niya sa buhay at higit sa lahat, I want to be someone who knows who to trust para 'di na ako nasasaktan ng ganito. Yellow... When I was still a kid, every time I hear the word 'happiness', I'll see yellow. It's my happy color. But now that I'm already a teen, I realized that it's the opposite, because yellow in my life defines how gutless I am to face the truth. It defines how fearful I am to know the truth 'cause it might cut down the thin thread which binds me to life. Yellow delineates how coward I am. Blue outlines how depressing it is to live this kind of life. A life where there were only two pairs of ears who were willing to listen to you wailing and complaining about how harsh the waves of life are to you. Were. Blue perfectly describes how crestfallen I am when the series of cataclysmal events struck me. A gun with a silencer was pointed at me all along, and I wish, I wish I knew so I could have dodge it. I could have eluded the bullet so not to let it pierce through my heart. I could have wear an armor to safeguard my heart or I could have chain it, lock it, and throw the key in the heart of the ocean to prevent someone from stealing and hurting it. Sa buhay, kung puro saya lang din, parang wala ring thrill. Imagine that you're so good at playing ML, pero 'yong kalaban mong nanghahamon sa'yo ay beginner pa, parang ganun. Or a movie without villains or conflicts, sounds boring right? But is it wrong to complain that the conflict of my story is too much for me to bear? Tangina! Gustong-gusto ko ng bumitaw pero sa tuwing sinusubukan ko naman ay parang awtomatikong humihigpit ang natitirang lubid na nagtatali sa akin upang 'di ako tuluyang mahulog sa banging napakalalim at napakadilim. And who knows what else is waiting for me there, right? I can't help myself from asking, what did I do wrong? Anong ginawa kong mali para maging ganito kalaki ang parusang matatanggap ko? "Stay, Ma... please... 'wag mo akong iwan, Ma, 'di ko talaga kakayanin..." pilit kong inaagaw mula sa kanya ang higante niyang maleta pero nawawalan na rin ako ng lakas. My arms are absolutely thin. I am so thin pero wala akong pake kahit mabali pa ang mga maninipis kong braso basta't 'di lang ako iwanan ni Mama. Paano na lang ako? Hindi ko nga kailanman nakilala ang Papa tapos pababayaan niya naman akong mag-isa? "Ma, 'wag naman ganito... magpapakabait pa po ako! Running for valedictorian nga ako, e. Sasabitan mo pa ako ng medals, Ma... Please, 'wag kang umalis. Sino nalang ang aakyat sa entablado para magsasabit sa akin ng medalya, diba?.. pwede mo namang patirahin dito si Tito Ron, e," I desperately begged that I even kneeled in front of her, but it didn't reach her heart. "Alagaan mo ang sarili mo, Julienne. Sorry 'di ko na kayang alagaan ka..." at sumakay na siya sa kotse ni Tito Ron. Kahit nakapaa lang ako, hinabol ko pa rin ang kotseng sinasakyan niya. Hindi ko alintana ang mga maliliit na bubog at bato sa daan na sumugat sa paa ko. After all, the pain from my contusions is nothing compared to the pain of my bleeding heart. Nakikiramay na rin sa akin ang ulan. Naghahalo na ang aking mga luha at tubig ng ulan sa aking mukha. I continued chasing despite my legs shaking. Tumatakbo pa rin ako kahit medyo naninikip na ang aking dibdib. Lumiliit na ang kotse, lumalabo na rin ang aking paningin, kasabay niyon ang pagbigay ng aking mga binti. Napaluhod ako sa daang basang-basa ng tubig ulan. Why, Mama? Why? Is it too tiresome to take care of me and love me? Ang ingay ng pag-iyak ko'y natatabunan ng malalakas na kulog at pagpatak ng ulan. I can't stop myself from crying so hard. It hurts a lot. Please... Mama, come back. Pero hindi siya bumalik. I also got tired of chasing. It's all futile to chase for someone who doesn't want you anymore. Ayoko na ring ipagpilitan ang sarili ko sa mga may ayaw sa akin because it will just add up to the huge stack of reasons stored deep within me which caused me pain and scars. Hindi ko na naramdaman ang bawat pagpatak ng ulan sa aking balat, pero umuulan pa! Ewan, parang nababaliw na ata ako. Nakakabaliw nga namang maiwan. Ano pa bang rason ko para mabuhay? Nagulat ako nang makitang may naglahad sa akin ng kamay. Tiningala ko ito at umawang ang aking labi. Mukhang magkasing-edad lamang kami nito pero kapansin-pansin ang physical features nito dahil parang may lahing dayuhan. I'm extremely exhausted. Humiling akong sana masagasaan nalang ako rito kasi wala naman na akong uuwian. Home for me isn't the same anymore. "Then I'll be your new home..." mukhang narinig pa niya ang mga iniisip ko na naisatinig ko na pala. And I hoped... I really hoped, but then I guess I am meant to be left behind. That was our first encounter and the last one too, kasi mabilis lumipas ang mga taon, naghigh school na ako pero 'di ko na ulit siya nakita. And time coated my only memory of him with tinge of gray, then black. Nakalimutan ko na ang itsura niya. Ang tanging naaalala ko sa araw na iyon maliban sa nakamamatay na sakit, ay may nagmagandang loob pa ring tumulong sa akin. Ang pagkakamali ko lang ay umasa ako sa sinabi niya. Maybe it's true that your mind may forget, but your heart will always remember. I didn't recognize him pero nakilala pala siya ng puso ko, na minsa'y pinaramdam niya sa akin kung anong pakiramdam ng may nag-aalala rin sa'kin noong mga panahong wala akong ibang masandalan. From the very beginning, he already stated his intentions clearly, pero masakit pa rin, e. Lalo pa kung dalawa sila, puro mahahalaga sa buhay ko. I felt so betrayed, tricked, and played. When Augustus Waters said that pain demands to be felt. I felt it. Nagmahal lang naman ako, pero bakit kailangan ko pang masaktan? If only there's some kind of medicine that will numb you from the pain caused by loving someone, then I'd surely buy a lot of it. I will drink a lot of that pain-from-love-killer 'til I can't feel any ounce of pain from loving them. I thought that he would be my sliver of light amidst the dark that has been my acquaintance for a long time, but guess I was wrong. When his soft lips caressed mine, I was lost. I was so lost. He's like an ecstasy for me. My second real kiss. He gave me a clandestine kiss in a place where we're the only people. At ako'y umasa na naman. Umasa akong baka mamaya, bukas, sa makalawa, o sa susunod na linggo ay totohanan na ito... na baka sakaling mahalin o kahit magustuhan niya lang muna ako. Fate played with the spinning wheel containing the names of his subjects to feel agony and hurt, and I was the unlucky victim. A weak girl, Fate's prospect to endure hardships and sufferings. Parang bumalik lahat ng sakit na dinanas ko ilang taon na ang lumipas. Ba't ganun? Akala ko... akala ko sasaya na ako, e. Nagtiwala ako. Nagtiwala ako sa kanilang dalawa, pero ba't 'di two-way street ang tiwalang binigay namin sa isa't isa? Alam niyang masasaktan niya ako pero tinuloy niya pa rin. My heart is indeed gullible kasi naniwala naman ito sa kanya. Wala ng tinira para sa sarili. My young heart, after all, is still longing for comfort and... love. But I should have known. I should have known better 'cause after all, he's a jerk who disguised as love to fool me.