THE PLAY PRETEND

That Guy

Bumagal ang paglalakad ko nang nakita ko si Felix but he left even before I took another step towards him. Did he witnessed it? Did he heard me? Of course he did! Hindi naman niya sasabihin sa akin na “I did great” kung hindi, hindi ba?

All I could think of is his half-smile na kahit na nung pauwi na ako ay naaalala ko parin iyon. He looked like a proud dad. At ako ang anak niya? Ew! Halos matawa ako sa sarili kong pag-iisip.

Kasalukuyan kong hinahalukay ang loob ng bag ko ng hindi sinasadyang magkabungguan kami ng isang lalaki. Dahil sa nangyari ay nahulog ang camera na dala niya dahilan kung bakit nagkalat ang lens at iba pang parte nito.

“Hala, I’m really sorry,” nag-aalalang sabi ko and without looking at him, I picked all the shattered pieces.

“No, I should be sorry, hindi ako tumitingin sa dinadaanan ko,” he answered in a soft voice while helping me pick up the broken pieces of his camera. I am busying myself while my mind is clouded with all sorts of worries.

Kumuha pa ako ng tissue sa bag ko para maipon ang mga maliliit basag na camera lense para hindi ko mahawakan ang mga bubog. Napansin kong napasulyap ang lalaki sa hita ko kaya sinundan ko ng tingin ang tinitingnan niya and to my surprise, the man did not allowed me to finish what I am doing dahil hinila na niya ako patayo. Nanlaki ang mata ko sa ginawa niya pero agad ding nakabawi because of what he said.

“You should not stay on the floor, you’re dress is too short, baka masilipan ka ng mga dumadaan,” sinabi niya iyon habang sinulyapan ang paligid.

True enough, naka-dress nga ako today at nang inilibot ko ang paningin ko ay medyo madami na din ang dumadaan dahil nagsisiuwian na ang mga nakatira dito mula sa kanilang trabaho. Nang binalingan kong muli ang lalaki ay nakita ko siyang sumenyas sa guard ng building, maya-maya lang ay may kasama na itong janitor and then he looked at me and smiled.

“I’m sorry again, are you hurt?” he asked. Napa-iling naman ako dahil wala naman akong nararamdamang masakit sa akin. “I’m sorry about your camera hindi ko sinasadya, hinahanap ko kasi ang key card ko kaya hindi din ako nakatingin sa dinadaanan,” I said that in a serious and concerned tone but I was taken aback when he chuckled kaya gumaan ang pakiramdam ko ng kaunti at napangiti na din.

“But I can buy you another one, though. Just tell me what brand and model that camera is, so that I can buy you the exact one or to compensate you from this mess, I will just get you the latest model,” dagdag ko pa because I really feel guilty.

It must have been very expensive because it looks like it is, but I don’t have a choice, it was partly my fault. Before he answered me, his smile grew wider and I don’t know why. Ngayon lang yata ako nakakita ng nasiraan na nga ng gamit, natutuwa pa.

“No. It’s fine, may isa pa naman akong camera and safe naman ang memory card kaya it’s okay. Don’t mind it,” pagkasabi niya noon ay bigla namang nag-salita ang janitor kaya napatingin siya dito.

“Sir, inyo ho ba ito?”

“Yes, salamat po,” magalang na sagot niya. Muli, ay sa akin na nya ibinaling ang atensyon niya pero hindi na siya nakapagsalita dahil nagring ang phone ko. I looked at the caller ID and it was Amanda again. Napabuntong-hininga ako. I would feel bad if I answer Amanda’s call without saying anything to him kaya hindi ko nalang sinagot iyon.

“Hey, uhm… I have to go. Sorry ulit… Diyan sa, uh, camera mo,” I sincerely said.

“It’s alright,” he convinced me, “I’m sorry din,” he smiled again so I smiled too and then I waved my hand. He didn’t left, even after nakapasok na ako sa elevator. He just stood there staring at me. Kung hindi lang siya gwapo ay baka nakaramdam na ako ng creepiness but I feel like he is a nice person, so before the elevator door closed, I waved him another goodbye.

Nasa may pintuan na ako ng unit ko nang na-realize ko na it’s a shame because I never asked for his name. Sayang at gwapo pa naman iyon. Bumungad sa akin si Amanda na komportableng umiinom ng juice habang pabalik sa living room. Paano siya nakapasok dito?

“Hi!” she greeted me happily, “Do you usually go home at this hour? I mean, it’s dinner time at ngayon ka palang?” she added.

“What are you, Amanda? My mom? Tsaka, how did you get in here?” I spat but instead of answering me, she just laughed. Seconds later, she looked at me with her judging eyes.

“I love you so much, Shiloah, pero bakit ang sama naman yata ng ugali mo?” with that, I laughed too.

“I mean, yes Amanda, I missed you too. I was just asking if how did you enter my unit you know,” I giggled and then hugged her.

“Natawagan mo na ba si Bethany?” I asked her.

“I tried to call her kanina but she was not answering. She must be busy. Ganon ba kabusy sa office niyo? Teka, hindi mo nasagot ang tanong ko. Ganitong oras ka ba talaga usually umuuwi?”

“Ah hindi naman. Napatagal lang talaga ako doon sa baba. Something happened…”

“Omg. Ano? May aksidente ba? Kanina nang paakyat ako dito wala naman ah…”

Inilingan ko siya.

“No... I bumped into a stranger. Hindi ako tumitingin sa daanan kasi hindi ko mahanap yung susi sa bag ko tapos ikaw tawag ka pa ng tawag,” inirapan ko siya “kaya ayun nabasag ko yung camera niya.”

“Hmm… Gwapo ba?”

Sumilay ang mga ngiti ko kaya naman tumili siya .

“Omg!!!” hinampas-hampas niya pa ang braso ko. “So ano? Nakuha mo ba iyong number?”

“Uh, hindi.”

“Eh pangalan?”

Mabilis ko itong inilingan.

Bagsak ang mga balikat ay tinalikuran niya ako at dumiretso sa kitchen. “Hindi kita tinuruang maging mahina sa pagkuha ng pangalan at number ng gwapo, Shiloah.”

Humalakhak ako. Pagkapasok namin sa kusina ko ay nakita kong handa na ang mga pagkain sa hapag.

“Hindi ko na naisip eh. Nagmamadali na rin naman akong umakyat dito because you kept calling me! Also, uunahin ko pa ba iyon eh nasira ko na nga yung gamit ng tao? Mukhang mahal pa naman ang camera na iyon…” umupo ako.

“Is he a photographer?” tanong niya sabay sandok ng kanin para sa akin.

“I don’t know. Maybe?”

I just feel so guilty about it. Sobrang nagmadali ako na pakiramdam ko ay hindi man lang ako pormal na nakahingi ng patawad sa kanya. Parang hindi naman kasi siya tigarito. Kung itatanong ko naman sa guard for sure hindi nila idi-disclose ang mga ganong bagay kaya hindi ko alam kung paano ko siya hahanapin.

I just wish we meet again one day.

It has been so long since we talked, kaya naman what we did over dinner was share update about each other’s lives including her trip.

According to her, she learned a lot from that long journey; that being alone in a place where no one knows you is like a healing that she never knew she needed. I just listened to her.

“Ang ganda pala doon sa Bali, girl. It’s a place that you must visit. What do you think on the holiday season? Pwede kaya kayo non? I’m planning to go back there but it would be fun kung sasama kayo sa akin.”

“I don’t know. Meron naman akong copy ng company calendaar pero syempre bago hindi iyon sure lalo na’t maraming pwedeng mangyari para mabago ang mga pre-scheduled events.”

“Bakit ba kasi ayaw mong mag-file ng leave? Para namang maghihirap ka kapag hindi ka nakapagtrabaho ng let’s say one week. Napaka-workaholic mo, Shy.”

Nangingiti akong umiling sa kanya.

“Anyway, while on vacation. Meron nagrecruit sa akin na isang sikat na modelling agency. New York-based. Grabe ang saya ko!” balita niya.

I dropped my fork. “Talaga? Wow! So, ano? Pumayag ka ba?”

“Well, they gave me their calling card. Ang sabi nila tawagan ko daw sila if interested ako. Eh, syempre I was broken at that time kaya sabi ko pag-iisipan ko muna,” she chuckled.

“You’re unbelievable, Mandy.”

“I know right. Pero anong magagawa ko, I was blinded by my own emotion. Ngayon ko lang nga narealize na hindi naman pala worth it iyong emote-emote ko sa ibang bansa. Tingnan mo naman ako,” hinawakan niya ang mukha niya “nilalapitan ng isang sikat na modelling agency ang mukhang ito.”

Sabay kaming humalakhak. It’s a good news for the both of us. Sayang lang at wala dito si Bethany para marinig ang balitang ito. We all know how much Amanda wanted to take this path.

“I’m happy for you. Sana hindi mo na palagpasin pa ang chance na iyan.”

“Of course. Hindi talaga. Do you know Ada Candaza?”

Umiling ako. “Haven’t heard of that name.”

“Gosh, where are you from Shiloah? Anyway, she’s a Filipina model, one of the most high-paid model in the world and guess what? She’s under the modelling agency I am talking about. Can you believe that?” she shrieked.

Napailing na lang ako sa reaksyon niya. She must be really happy then. We talked more about her journey overseas. Eventually, she told me her plans of having a homecoming party scheduled in Friday.

Of course, knowing Amanda, the party will obviously be in a bar. Sabi ko hindi ako sigurado because I have work but she told me I have to bring Bethany with me at siguradong magtatampo siya kapag wala siyang makikitang anino ni Bethany or Shiloah doon. So I just consoled her by saying na ‘susubukan ko.’

After we ate, I volunteered to do the dishes because she cooked our dinner. When I was done, I saw her on the sofa busying herself with her phone. Kumuha ako ng canned soda sa fridge tapos ay nagpasyang lumapit sa kanya. I was about to say something pero nabitin iyon sa ere dahil nauna na siyang nagsalita.

“Who was that guy I heard in your background, Shy?” she interrogated. Napatigil ako sa paglapit sa kanya at binalikan ang mga nangyari kanina.

“Oh, that? Uhm… You remember Felix?” nag-aalangan ko pang sagot.

Ibinaba niya ang cellphone na hawak niya at napabangon pa noong narinig ang pangalan ni Felix. She’s grinning already kahit pangalan pa lang ni Felix ang nababanggit ko.

“The guy annoyed by your whole existence?” I rolled my eyes at her answer.

She knows him dahil madalas kong ikwento sa kanya kung gaano ka-suplado ang lalaking iyon but that is not what I meant when I told her Felix dislikes it if I do things for other people. Maybe she misunderstood it or sadyang overreacting lang siya? I don’t know. Hindi pa nga ako nakakasagot ay may dinagdag na naman siya.

“What, you two are cool now?” sinabi niya iyon at muling ibinalik ang atensyon sa telepono niya. Tinabihan ko siya sa couch. I slightly leaned on the backrest and sided my body para makaharap siya ng kaunti. I opened the two canned soda and handed her one. Inabot naman niya iyon.

“No, not really. I mean, we’re a little uhm… how do I say it? Uh, a little closer than before?” I mumbled that in an unsure tone. Because of it, napatigil siya sa ginagawa niya at itinuon ang buong atensyon sa akin. She squinted her rounded eyes and grinned at me.

“Alam ko talagang diyan ka din babagsak, Shiloah, eh,” she jeered while moving closer to me. It looks like I really got her attention now but this topic is making me… uneasy. Wala man siyang sinasabi ay alam ko ang gusto niyang iparating.

“You totally got the wrong idea, Amanda. We are not a thing,” I defended and she laughed hysterically because of what I said.

“Of course you two are not a thing. NOT YET,” may diin ang pagkakasabi niya non “Trust me, Shy. Your complains about that Felix has been going on for more than a year now. Ganito yung mga nasa books and movies eh, hindi ba? Yung nag-aaway kunwari tapos ay magmamahalan din naman pala,” she said teasingly.

“Pero wala naman kami sa libro at movies na sinasabi mo. So I doubt it will happen.”

Nakakatawang isipin na ganitong-ganito rin ang sinabi ko sa sarili ko kanina nang nasa elevator ako kasama si Felix. At anong nangyari? Naging katawa-tawa ako sa harap niya.

Sadly, romance happened in books and movies does not happen in real life. Kung nangyayari man, hindi madalas.

I never thought about it, though. Alam kong sinabi kong gwapo at matalino si Felix, at oo, nagtatalo kami minsan but that’s all. We never did something that would make my heart flutter.

Heart flutter… kung hindi ko iyon naramdaman, kung ganon ano iyong kanina nang pinuri niya ako?

Thinking about it, I suddenly thought of how would I feel if Felix and I really kissed in the elevator. Perhaps, I would enjoy that fleeting moment and then… slap him hard when I came back to my senses.

Our conversation ended just like that. Hating-gabi na nang iniwan ko si Amanda sa baba. She was already sleeping on the couch, so I went to my room upstairs. Before she fell asleep, I told her I would fix the bed in the guest room for her to sleep in but she refused kaya hinayaan ko nalang.

I was standing lazily in the elevator. I was alone. Sinilip ko kung may papasok pa ba pero nang wala akong makitang tao na papalapit ay nagpasya akong isara ang elevator door, but a man stopped it before I could do.

Nang tiningnan ko kung sino iyon ay napabuntong-hininga ako ng nakita kong si Felix iyon.

It’s not really nice to see him all the time here on the elevator. Malapad ang space pero umusog parin ako sa pinaka sulok para hindi siya makatabi. He’s looking at me with his judging eyes as if I am doing something ridiculous.

“Why did you move away? Come here,” he demanded and then I laughed sarcastically.

“What made you think na susundin kita, ha?!” I said angrily.

Kinunot niya ang noo niya at tinitigan akong mabuti mula ulo hanggang paa. I followed his gaze and I saw that he sensually scanned my fitted dress. Walang ano-ano ay lumapit siya sa akin. Walang anu-ano, using his one hand, he pinned both of mine above my head.

“Hey! What do you think you are doing?!” I screamed at him.

Unable to move, sumigaw ako ng tulong pero parang wala lang sa kaniya iyon. Sa halip ay mas lalo pa niyang hinigpitan ang pagkakahawak sa kamay ko. His free hand slide down to my waist then he moved his body closer to mine. I kept moving because I was so nervous at nagsisimula na akong mag-panic. Kaya para matigil ako sa paggalaw ay mas diniin niya ako.

Nanlaki ang mata ko sa ginawa niya.

“Felix-” saway ko sa kanya.

He stared at my eyes, my lips then back to my eyes again. Without hesitation, his lips touched mine.

It was a smack at first, pero kalaunan ay gumalaw ang mga labi niya. His lips are soft, just like what I thought it was.

Nung una ay nanlalaban pa ko, but when his lips moved into rhythm, I gave in. Gumalaw ang labi niya sa paraang nagpalambot ng tuhod ko. My breathing hitched. Sigurado akong kung hindi niya ako hawak ay babagsak ako sa sahig.

Sinubukan kong itikom ang labi ko pero hindi ako nagtagumpay. Ginaya ko ang paggalaw ng labi niya. For a moment, I felt him smile. Kahit gusto kong idilat ang mga mata ko ay hindi ko magawa dahil nalulunod ako sa sensasyong ginagawa niya.

His grip on my hand loosened. Tsansa ko na iyon para makawala sa kanya pero sa halip ay inangkla ko pa ang mga braso ko sa batok niya. My hand brushed his hair and gripped a handful of it.

I felt his hand drawing circles at the back of my back sending voltage of electricity in my body dahilan ng aking pagliyad. Nag-init ang pakiramdam ko. He cupped my face and deepened the kiss then pulled me closer to him. Hinigpitan ko rin ang pagkakahawak sa kanya.

Nakaramdam ako ng pagkabigo ng biglaan ang pagputol niya sa halikan namin. Nang idinilat ko ang mga mata ko ay nakita ko ang pagtitig niya sa mukha ko. It's as if he's studying every angle of my face. Akala ko ay tuluyan na siyang lalayo sa akin pero nagulat ako sa biglaang paglapat muli ng mga labi namin. Tihis time it's deeper, hotter.

But in the middle of that hot kiss, I heard something rang.

Dahan-dahan ay lumayo ako mula sa kanya.

Habol ang hininga ay idinilat ko ang mga mata ko pero gayon na lang ang pagkabigla ko nang imbes na mukha ni Felix ang makita ko ay ang ceiling kwarto ang bumungad sa akin.

Biglaan ang ginawa kong pagbangon dahil sa pagkalitong nararamdaman.

Mariin akong napapikit at napahawak sa ulo ko nang na-realize ko kung anong nangyayari.

It was my alarm clock that was ringing at patuloy pa rin ito sa paglikha ng ingay. Naghihina kong inabot iyon para patayin. Nilibot ko ng paningin ang bawat sulok.

Wala ako sa opisina.

Mas lalong wala ako sa loob ng elevator, kundi nasa kwarto ko ako.

Walang Felix at ako lang mag-isa.

I sighed.

It was a dream. I can’t believe I am dreaming of kissing Felix.