HE WAS A SHE

CHAPTER 11: BUILDING A WALL—THAT’S MY RESPONSE

A wall. A barricade. A fence. A barrier. Whatever you call it, it all means one thing. It’s to separate something from the other. To put a blockage. To hinder. To isolate. Some reasons probably sounded not so good to hear. But sometimes, building a wall is the best option to make, especially when it talks about people and relationships. Sometimes, distancing ourselves is not about being selfish. Sometimes, it could mean saving the people we care about.

***

Working day. Monday. Or, shall I say, Mundane Monday morning for me. The start of another tedious week at the company. Although I got used to it after working for quite some time now, now things feel different. “Why?” I asked myself after the thought of the incident at my boss’s place. I looked in the mirror and touched my heart, which was pounding quickly as soon as the thought of him crossed into my mind.

“No!” I suddenly stood up. “It can’t be,” I told myself while walking back and forth. “You don’t like him, Eli. Right?” I added.

“Eli! Eli!” A loud thud on the door.

“Gosh!” I uttered after being startled by Bob’s voice.

“Are you up now? We’ll be having our breakfast. Come and join us! Okay? Hurry!” He added.

“Yes!” I replied. “I’m coming!” I hastily fixed myself and went out of the house.

After a critical incident at my boss’s place last night, I decided to go back to my original house. The house near Bob’s place. Or, shall I say, the place in the same building as his. “Yes! That’s right.” I know what you’re thinking. You might think I’m pathetic since a few weeks ago, I'd just left home after the confrontation with my best friend, Bob. I quickly pack my things without even saying goodbye or looking back. And now, here I am, back to where I came from. But coming back wasn’t smooth as I left the house. My sudden return was kind of embarrassing to the point that I wanted to bury it from my memory so desperately.

I was sneaking into the house at night while dragging my fully-packed luggage. Things went smoothly at first. The lights were off at Bob’s place and the surroundings were very quiet. I tiptoed upstairs when suddenly the door of my house slowly creaked. I froze for a moment while my eyes rolled into shock upon seeing the person standing at my door. It was Bob. And don’t let me reiterate what happened after then, because it was very embarrassing. I felt like someone being washed with a bucket of ice. The ambiance became so awkward.

“Oh! You’re here!” I casually uttered.

“I just checked the doors and windows to see if they were properly closed. There was a recent incident of theft a few blocks from here a while ago. You still have things left inside. I know how much you value them.”, he explained.

We froze for a moment, not knowing what to say and how to react. But that made us laugh. And just like that, the wall between us slowly crashed down. Although we had already fixed our friendship a few days ago and we had talked things out, it can’t be denied that there was a sudden awkwardness between us. And it’s not like I can just come back home that easily. But things have been going off differently now. I had to leave my boss’s place to remind myself of my goals. I had to distance myself from him, although it’s not like I can distance myself fully, especially at work, since I’m his secretary. But at least leaving the place would make me feel at ease.

“Good morning!” I cheerfully greeted him.

“Good morning, Ate Eli!” Bella happily replied.

“Wow!” I exclaimed. “It looks like there’s a feast here.” My eyes dazzled were looking at the food set on the table.

“No!” Bella replied. “We just prepared it to celebrate your arrival. Welcome back, Ate Eli!”

“Hey!” I was a bit touched.

“Hey! Stop the drama! Okay? Let’s eat before the food gets cold. Dig in!”

“Yes!” I smilingly added. “Thank you for the food!” We responded.

Happiness? At first, I didn’t know what it was all about. Ever since both my sister and dad died and mom got sick, I rarely remember how many times I smiled and laughed as hard as my lungs out. They say happiness is a choice, but I don’t think I was given any options to choose from at the start. But after meeting them, Bob and his sister Bella, a new option was laid in front of me. Being with them, I found a new way to be happy.

“Uh! Seriously?” I chuckled loudly. “You really did that?”

“Yes!” Bella replied.

“Hey! Who’s this guy? Huh!” Bob was furious.

“Well, it’s just…” She was stammering. “Someone.”

“Someone?” Bob was bewildered by his sister. “Hey! You’re still young. Your focus should be studying and not dating some guys out there.”

“Hey! Calm down! Okay?” I uttered. “This is not the traditional era, okay? These days, girls the same age as her don’t just study at school. They’re far from our generation. And it’s not like you can stop boys from pursuing your sister. I mean she’s beautiful, smart, and intelligent. A lot of boys would run after her.”

“Hey! Are you taking her side now?” Bob was pissed off.

And we both laughed seeing Bob’s reaction. I guess he couldn’t believe that his little sister is a grown-up now. Well, me too. It feels like yesterday that I saw this little grumpy girl running all over the house while crying and now she’s acting like a guardian to her older brother. Sometimes, I find it so funny seeing the two of them. Bella, being the younger sibling, always acted more maturely than her childish older brother, Bob.

***

On the way to work,

“Nice!” I uttered while closing my eyes and feeling the morning breeze as the car stopped in the middle of the road. “This is it. This is what you call a morning breeze.” But suddenly my phone buzzed. It was from my boss. My eyes rolled into shock after reading his message. “Hey! What does he want from me so early in the morning, huh? I get it, okay? I’m going to work right now. Can’t you see? The stoplight is still red. Ugh! Whatever!” I screamed furiously.

(The text message…)

“Where are you? Hurry! Meet me in front of the company building by 6:30 am sharp. You better get to your senses, okay? You know what I hate about time, right?”

“Huh! Just reading it boils my blood.” I murmured. “What does he want from me this time? My duty starts at 7 am and it's still 6:00 am.” I added while driving the car as fast as I could.

Unfortunately, I arrived a minute later than he wanted. And looking at his face from the windshield of the car, he was disgusted. His slanted eyes could kill anyone just by staring while ticking his forefinger on his watch. He was terribly disgusted. Well, who cares? Honestly, I could have arrived here five minutes before the time he set since I was already within the area when the stoplight suddenly turns red. But, I intended to be late to piss him off a bit. Not because I wanted to get scolded by him. I just wanted to get back at him. He texted me so early, acting as if nothing had happened a few days ago. I mean, I understand he’s acting well in the company, since a lot of people are watching, but how come he’s doing it the same even when we're alone together? It’s not like he’s drunk on that day. And he’s not yet in his deep sleep either, since I just went inside the restroom for just five minutes.

“Hey! Eli, what are you saying? Obviously, he won’t tell you about it unless he knows you’re a woman and not a man. He’s not the type of person who would fall for the same gender as him. He’s not into guys, remember?” I told myself.

“Good morning, Sir!” I greeted him and paid my respect.

“You’re late!” he added.

“Huh! I can’t believe that’s the first thing I would hear from him after my greetings.” I told myself.

“I’m sorry, Sir!” I apologized even though I feel like it’s not necessary since this is not part of my working hours as stated in my contract. But, it’s not like I can retaliate in front of him. Well, everyone knows he can’t make any excuses, especially about time and tardiness. And it’s better to just keep quiet. Stay low profile and just let it pass through time. Plus, it’s not like I can avoid him as Bella suggested during our breakfast earlier.

“Step 1 of falling out of love with someone: Out of sight. Out of mind. And definitely, out of the heart.”

“How could I possibly do that if I’m his secretary?” I sighed. “Why is the first step always the hardest?” I grunted.

“Let’s go!” He threw the car keys.

I was so startled at first, but luckily I caught it right on time. “Where are we going?”

“What?” My eyes rolled into shock. “Where are we going? Palawan? Seriously? That far? Just the two of us?” I hysterically asked.

“Hey! Stop daydreaming, okay? We’re going there for the company’s team building,” he explained.

“Team building?” I asked myself. “Why would he join this time? Every employee in the company I have talked to has one sentiment about him regarding team building. He’s not someone who would waste a few working days on team building. That’s why he always wanted it to be done during the weekends, since he didn’t need to attend. Weekends for him are his private rest and he won’t exchange it by attending any team-building of the company so far. So, it’s quite amusing and shocking as to why he’s letting the employees have a team building for a week. It’s even surprising that he wanted it during working days. Everyone knows how meticulous he is in terms of work. He’s not someone who would just slouch. But what really surprises me a lot is seeing him not in his usual suit with his shiny black shoes. “Well, he surprisingly looked good even with that casual shirt and blue denim pants and running shoes,” I told myself. “Hey! Snap out of it, okay?”

“Why? Why are you so surprised? What’s wrong with going to team building?” He asked. “Team building like this is essential for the company. It builds unity, cooperation among the employees. And it releases stress and pressure that everyone is keeping under their nose,” he added.

“Hey! It’s not like you cared for those things.” I chuckled lightly.

“What did you say?” The horizontal lines on his forehead appear.

 “Nothing!” I replied.

“By the way, I went to the condo yesterday. I rang the bell thrice. But you did not respond. Were you sleeping at that time? Or, did you go somewhere? I came to drop by for some food. I feel bad that you just left my house the other day without eating anything. I’m sorry I fell asleep immediately. I didn’t know I was already a bit under the weather before I went to see you.” He uttered.

“He went to the condo last night?” I curiously asked myself. “And, why would he bring some food as well? I mean, what is it to him if I had eaten or not? Since when did I’ve permitted him to worry about myself?” I added. “Get a grip, Eli. Step 1 of falling out of love with someone: Out of sight. Out of mind. And definitely, out of the heart. You’ve already gone out of the condo he gave to you. Next, is slowly setting a huge distance between you and him, which means you don’t need to answer his questions, especially things not related to work. He’s your boss and that’s the only relationship that should exist between the two of you. Just like how you were on the first day of work. Purely professional.”

“We’re here.” He excitedly commented while smiling purely from the heart. “Let’s go!” He uttered while in position to open the door for me. But thanks to my quick reflexes, I immediately went out of the car and did not let him continue his gentleman act.

“That’s it, Eli,” I told myself. “Smoothly as possible.”

My eyes sparkled seeing the clear, blue-green sea with pure white sand on the seashore. And since the resort was only occupied thru reservations and mostly, VIPs can book in places like this, only a few were seen in the resort, making it more serene, calm, and peaceful. In short, the ambiance is truly perfect for this team building.

“He’s really on a different level,” I told myself after seeing how beautiful the place is. “Ah! My stuff.” I added after recalling that my bag was in the back of his car.

I immediately rushed to the back part of the car. But, I was shocked to see my boss trying to grab all the things with his two hands.

“Is he pulling another manly act this time?” I told myself while striding towards him and grabbing my things out of his hands.

“It’s okay. I can handle it.” He insisted.

“No, it’s okay.” I resisted. “I can carry my stuff. Plus, you’re the boss, so I should be the one who will do the errands for you and not the other way around. That’s the right thing to do. Isn’t it?” I explained.

“No! I can manage it. All of it. So, no need to worry and hassle yourself. Today you just have to enjoy yourself and have fun. Because you deserved it.” He added while giving his usual smile.

“Okay!” I gave in after sensing that his stubbornness was slowly coming out. But, I didn’t let him carry my bag though.

***

After everyone arrived at the resort, we gathered in the lobby for a short briefing about the team building. We were given an itinerary for this event for the smooth transition of every game to be played. Everyone was pretty excited looking at their smiling faces. I guess everyone agrees that we needed this break after all. But what excites us more were the prices to be given. Everyone was hyped. And since we arrived at almost lunchtime, we were told to relax for the rest of the day.

“The place was really nice. Isn’t it, Eli?” Barb commented.

“Yes,” I replied.

“What room are you staying in?” She asked.

“Room 201,” I replied. “What about you?”

“We’re staying in room 103.” They chorused cheerfully. She and Kelly. Two of the other employees in the company unexpectedly became friends of mine.

“Really?” I asked. “Wow! Good for you.”

“Wait!” Kelly uttered. “You’re staying in room 201?” Her eyes rolled into shock.

“Why? What’s wrong?” I curiously asked. “Hey! You’re scaring me right now. Tell me. What is it?”

“Your roomie is…” She hesitated to respond while staring at somewhere. I scanned my eyes towards the location of her gaze.

“No way!” I told myself.

“You’re staying with your boss? What a bummer!” She exclaimed.

“Hey! What’s wrong with that?” I chuckled.

“Hey! You haven’t heard the rumors?” Kelly uttered.

“Rumors? What do you mean?” I curiously asked.

“In the past, when I was still a newbie at the company, I heard gossip from old employees about your boss. At first, I thought it was just absurd. And maybe they were just trying to ruin his reputation since, at that time, he was very strict in terms of work. Plus, the one spreading the rumors was the same person he scolded in front of a lot of people in the company. I just ignored it, thinking he was only taking revenge against him.” Kelly narrated.

“And, then?” I curiously asked. 

“But one day, every little piece becomes a puzzle and forms a bigger picture. The picture that proves the rumors to be true.” She added.

“Hey! Can you not beat around the bush?” I’d become impatient. “So, what is it? What’s the rumor all about?”

“He is a homosexual.” She bluntly replied.

“What?” I almost got off my chair. “What did you just say?”

“Hey! Did you know that spreading rumors like that can get you into trouble?” Barb whispered with some gravity in her tone.

“Hey! I’m not spreading groundless rumors, okay?” She proudly uttered. “Hey! Haven’t you wondered why he remains a bachelor even at his age?”

“Well, maybe he’s too busy to date and meet someone,” I responded.

“No,” She asserted. “People like him, no matter how busy you are, and having an almost perfect life—money, fame, power, well-maintained body and handsome face, don’t have time to meet some girls out there? I doubt it. Plus, even if you research his name on the internet, you won’t get any news about his dating life. Why? Because he was keeping it a secret. Because it’s a kind of love that’s not acceptable even to his own family.”

“So, the rumors were really true?” Barb asked.

“Of course.” Kelly strongly affirmed her wild assumption. “A rumor won’t come out unless it’s not half meant, right? You know what they say, a fire always begins with smoke.”

“Hey! Why are you having prejudice about him then?” I added. “I mean maybe there wasn’t any news because he wanted to have some sort of privacy in his life, especially his romantic life. And it’s not like he owes the public an explanation about how he lived his life in the first place.”

“Well, that’s not the other instances though.” She continued to insist. “I mean, how can you explain how he just fired his former secretary? The one you replaced with. I heard he just fired him immediately after their huge fight in the resort. And people who witness it, it’s not a boss and subordinate quarrel. It’s a lover’s quarrel indeed. And if it’s just something about work, why would he terminate him so easily? And his former secretary wasn’t even seen at the company, even before he announced the termination of his secretary from work.”

“Maybe he made a mistake at work,” I uttered.

“Hey! Mr. COO isn’t like that. He won’t fire someone just because of mistakes committed at work. Whenever someone made a mistake, he called the attention of that person in his office and nagged him/her. And afterward, it’s okay as if it didn’t happen at all. He never fires someone just because of work.” She added. “So, you better not let your guards down, especially at night. You know what I mean, right?”

“Hey! What are you saying?” I contended. “That won’t happen. I assure you. That’s really impossible because my boss isn’t like that.

So, drop that crazy thought of yours, okay? I’ll go ahead. Bye!”

“Homosexual?” I hissed. “That’s too ridiculous even to just think about it for a moment.” I chuckled lightly. “Wait!” I uttered after putting one by one his sudden manly act into my mind. Starting from how he offered a condo unit to me, to how he suddenly came to my house when I was sick and how he acted like a child fighting against Bob. Gosh! No way!” My eyes were about to explode from getting goosebumps from my mind and I came up with the conclusion that he might be into boys or something. “It can’t be. Hey! That’s too ridiculous.” I laughed hysterically.

“Hey!” My heart was about to jump out of my body after my boss just popped out at my back.

“Hey!” I was about to punch him out of irritation. But luckily, I was able to hold out myself after realizing he’s still my boss after all.

“Were you shocked? Sorry!” He uttered while placing his hands on my shoulder while giving his usual smile. A smile that reaches even to his eyes.

I was taken aback by his actions, so that my mind was making some wild assumptions again. I stared at his hands on my shoulders and after a few seconds, I shrugged my whole body, leading his hands off me.

“Hey! Why do I feel so sleepy suddenly?” I inserted while approaching towards the left side of the bed. I immediately dropped my things onto the couch and laid down on the bed. “Whoa! This feels so nice.” I added while wrapping myself with the thick blanket which made me like a burrito.

He slowly went in and dropped his things as well. I sneak at him. He was silently arranging his things. While I was unpacking my things, my phone suddenly rang. It was Bob. I excused myself for a moment and pretended I needed better reception to take the call. And unexpectedly, he just easily agreed without a word.

I went to the seashore to talk to Bob. Well, it wasn’t really necessary though. He was just checking on me if I was able to arrive safely at the resort. I thought it was about my ultimate goal. I hurried my steps as I took his call. But I wasn’t totally disappointed because that saved me from sudden awkwardness in the room earlier together with my boss. I couldn’t believe I was swayed by Kelly’s words for a moment. I even doubted my boss’s gender. Partly, I know the reason why he fired his former secretary. It wasn’t because of any lover’s quarrel. Well, it was, but not between the two of them. It was between him and his supposed-to-be wife who cheated on him with his secretary. “So, why did I give him the benefit of a doubt, to begin with? Why did I let those groundless rumors rest on my mind?” I asked myself.

“Hey! Eli!” Barb and Kelly called while rushing towards me.

“Why? What is it?” I curiously asked, thinking it must be urgent or what, after seeing how both of them were catching their breath as soon as they arrived.

“Is it true?” Barb asked.

“Hey! How come you decide about it so easily?” Kelly was a bit pissed off.

“Hey! I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I uttered.

“I heard from Dianne—the admin and HR staff that you accepted the transfer of work assignment. You’ll be moving to the Deputy Director’s office starting next week. Why? Why are you leaving us suddenly? Why are you moving at the enemy’s den?” Kelly sobbed.

“Hey!” I chuckled. “I’m not leaving, okay? I have just transferred to another department, but I’m still working in the same company as yours. We could still see each other during lunch or break time.” I added.

“But still it’s different. And I know that you know what I mean, right?” Kelly uttered.

“Kelly’s right. It’s a different department and it’s not that we can tell each other some secrets, especially about our work, now that your loyalty is to the enemy. We can’t backstab him anymore, especially in front of you. That could mean an end to our working career.” Barb added.

“Hey! Even if I’m moving to a different department, I’m still me. And you could still tell me everything. Plus, moving there doesn’t mean my loyalty is to his. I have a reason why I have to do this. And it’s not something I can tell you for now. But in time, I will.

So, will you please trust me on this? Okay?” I pleaded.

“Okay, as you said so,” Kelly uttered as we hugged each other and laughed our hearts out.

***

It was already past 11 pm and yet I couldn’t get a good sleep. I drank a bit of alcohol but it didn’t work. It only makes me sober. As everyone was already in dreamland, I went to the beach and laid a piece of cloth on the sand, and rested my body on it while staring at the fullness of the moon.

“Am I doing the right thing?” I asked myself while pondering the transfer Kelly mentioned a while ago. “Yes, you’re doing the thing.

thing, Eli,” I responded with the thought that it’s the best for everyone’s sake. I can’t afford to get busted on my real identity.

Although I’m not really sure as to whether he would keep his promise, moving on to his ally would give me an edge to make sure he wouldn’t do something stupid until the day I would unravel the truth behind my sister’s death.

“So, you’re really moving to Blake’s office?” I stood up immediately after seeing my boss striding towards me. He took a seat beside me while I quickly moved a distance away from him. “Why? Why are you moving? Was it because I made you feel uncomfortable these past few days?”

“No,” I quickly responded.

“Did he offer you something more than I could offer? Twice more than your usual pay?” He smirked. “I thought I knew you all along. But I guess I’m not. Seeing how you just easily accepted the transfer.”

I wish I could tell him the real reason behind it. I wish I could just say who I am. But I can’t. I can’t fail this time. I remained quiet and just let him think what he thought about me. I believe that it’s the best for both of us. Plus, moving could also help me forget about my feelings—whatever it is I had for him. Love, or whatever you call it, I can’t entertain it for now. I guess it’s my way of building a wall against him just like how I build a wall against everyone when I was crumbling with the pain of losing two of the most important people in my life. But unlike before when I had to build that wall to hide, this time, I’m building a wall to protect him and to keep him safe.