HE WAS A SHE

CHAPTER 13: 'COZ I’VE GOT 101 REASONS

In life, people always have a reason why they do things. Whether it is for good or bad, there’s always an underlying reason that prompts them to that certain action. I wake up each day for my family, says the father, who is the breadwinner and provider. I cook and prepare delicious and nutritious food for them because I love and care for them, says the mother, who takes good care of her family. I go to school every day to have a better future, says the child who goes to school to repay his parent’s hard work. When I was young back then, I also had a lot of reasons why I was breathing and living. And mostly those reasons were merely unnecessary or it didn’t matter at all. But when I grew up and became the person I am today, those childlike reasons suddenly became so hard to grasp. I want to be happy. I want to smile. I want to laugh. I want to cry. I want to breathe. I want to live. I want to love him and be loved. But suddenly, life opened up my eyes not on the reasons why I loved him but on the opposite—the many and more reasons why I couldn’t.

***

Morning came.

I woke up from the sound of birds chirping and the splash of waves onto the shore. The sound was like music in my ears. It serenades my soul and gives me inner peace. Or maybe I just missed my life in the countryside. Simple, ordinary, and yet, it was a happy life indeed. Even if I always got scolded by mom for waking up so late during school days, even if I don’t get any recognition during grade school and mom would always be called out by the school for my not-so-good behavior, even if my sister and I would fight over little things, I would willingly bet everything I had for now just to go back to that kind of life. A life where it was still easy to smile, to cry, to laugh, and be happy. A kind of life where all you need are simple reasons to live and to be happy. A kind of life I couldn’t just easily go back to.

I placed my hands on the ground to lie comfortably while enjoying the beauty of nature. But I was startled to feel a different hand underneath my right hand. I turned around only to be surprised to see who it was. It was my boss who was sleeping soundly. I tried to recall what happened. My eyes rolled into shock when my memory hits on the last part of what happened last night. The highlighted part—the kiss. For a moment, I couldn’t breathe. With the sudden awkwardness running into my veins, I slowly removed my hands and crawled away from him when he suddenly spoke.

“Where are you going?”

I immediately froze like a block of ice. I couldn’t move nor couldn’t respond to his answer to a sudden question. He has looked at me with the same eyes since last night. I dodged away and gazed at the beach.

“Ah! You’re up?” I uttered. “I need to use the restroom. You know, call of nature.” I chuckled.

“Okay,” he replied. “But, don’t take too long. The rescuers might come any moment from now.”

“Okay,” I responded. “Bye!”

I paced my stride towards the forested area of the island—way far from him. I caught my breath as soon as I reached the huge tree I could take shade from.

“Huh! Thank goodness!” I uttered after getting out of the awkwardness with him. “Why did he do such a thing?” I told myself thinking about the kiss. “And, why did you just let him kiss you too? You’re crazy, Eli. You should have pushed him away when he moved his lips on yours. You should have avoided it in the first place. But, you did not. Everything was partly your fault.” I added while screaming in disgust.

“Eli! Eli!” My boss shouted from a distance.

“What does he want this time, huh?” I asked in annoyance.

I walked out of the forest and went back to the coastline where my boss was hearing how he wouldn’t stop shouting my name. I took a banana I saw while wandering inside the forest and some ripe fruit. And while I was a few distances away from him, he rushed towards me.

“Let me help you.” He offered a hand to pick the banana and the ripe fruit, but I insisted I bring the ripe fruit after seeing how he almost brought it onto the ground after lifting the banana on his shoulder. I secretly laughed but immediately took a snap out of it so he wouldn’t notice anything.

Why? What’s wrong?” I asked on our way down. “Why were you calling my name desperately earlier?”

“Nothing.” He simply replied.

“Nothing?” I felt taken aback. “You were shouting as if you had an emergency a while ago. And now, you will just tell me nothing. Huh!” I ranted. “I was busy looking for food up there and you just shouted unexpectedly as if something had happened to you. Hey! You just don’t know how I almost fell from climbing that banana over there after getting startled by your sudden shouting. I almost broke my spine. Luckily, I was able to hold a branch of the tree and managed to slide it smoothly. I came down rushing and you will just tell me nothing. Are you crazy?”

“Hey!” He was smiling, acting coy.

“Hey!” I called. “Why are you smiling like that? Do you think the situation we are in right now looks so funny?” I was really pissed off.

“No, of course not.” He continued to smile.

“So?” I angrily added.

“I’m just happy,” he replied.

“Happy? On what?” I snorted.

“Well, hearing those things from you makes me think that you’re actually worried about me. Which means I’m important to you.

Right?” He threw out an intriguing question in front of my eyes.

“What was he saying?” I asked myself. “Hey!” I wanted to explain myself but he just left quickly while teasing me with his sarcastic laugh. “Hey! Stop putting meaning on everything, okay? I’m not worried about you. And if I was, it’s not the kind of worry you had on your mind. I’m telling you! You are wrong!” I grunted.

***

It was already past breakfast time, seeing how my stomach grumbled hard and how the heat of the sun was striking hard on my face. I decided to build a fire using the firewood I brought from the forest together with the food I took on my way down. I plan to cook the green banana as a substitute for carbohydrates which badly need the energy to survive the day. Fortunately, I was able to use my reservist training in the past in situations like this. I used two dried pieces of wood and crushed them together to create friction and eventually ignite some heat. At first, it was hopeless. I even got a cut on my hand while trying to build a fire. And instead of helping me, my boss was just sitting around while laughing at me. But thanks to his unsolicited mockery, I didn’t give up and after almost an hour of crushing two firewood, I finally succeeded. And took a small act of revenge against him by throwing some firewood at him and staring at him sarcastically.

“Hey!” He wanted to complain about my sudden rudeness but I managed to stop him by threatening him not to get any food if he

would nit-pick against me.

After seeing how the fire was already good for roasting the banana, I slowly threw it in while preparing a stick I could use to pick it out from the fire once it’s already cooked. But instead of waiting quietly until we could put some food on our starving stomachs, he seamlessly opened his mouth and blustered about something that caught my rage quickly.

“Hey! What are you doing? I couldn’t do something like that. I only roast food once it is roasted on the electric griller or the correct equipment for roasting and not by roasting it directly onto the fire. That’s bad for your health,” he uttered.

I breathe in and out trying to calm myself. “Inhale! Exhale!” I told myself. “Just let it pass. Eli. You have to eat first before you can get back on him.” I added. I meditated for a moment until my anger subsided. But not too long ago, he opened his mouth again and uttered unnecessary words.

“Hey! Take it out. It’s almost burnt. Hurry!” He continued to nag.

“Hey!” I shouted while glaring at him.

“Why?” He responded, looking like a scared puppy. Well, he should be. To begin with, it’s his fault that we are stuck on this island. If he did not forcedly turn the boat on a different route, we wouldn’t get lost and stranded in this place. “In this situation, I have the upper hand even though he’s my boss. So, he should behave himself well.” I told myself.

“Never mind!” I hissed after realizing I would just waste my time talking and explaining myself to him.

After cooking our food, I set the table, although we don’t have a literal table, to begin with. I laid banana leaves on the sand and placed the roasted bananas as well as the fruits I got earlier. And finally, we had a peaceful buffet, even having only a small amount of food. I immediately munched on the food since I was very hungry last night. I badly needed some energy not just to move but also to think as to how we could get out of this mess.

Honestly, I made some prejudgments against him before we were eating. Well, why wouldn’t it? I mean he was raised with a golden spoon, so basically, he’s not used to this kind of food. To this kind of leaving. But that prejudice has been swept away after seeing how he enjoyed his food. I guess he’s not that bad at all.

After devouring the small amount of food we had and cleaning the trash, we took a shade on a tree from a distance on the shore while staring at the sea. We were seated next to each other with enough space between us. There was a moment of silence then. He was gulping a young coconut to quench his thirst.

“I think we should talk about what happened last night.” He suddenly uttered.

“Last night?” I asked myself. “You mean, the kiss?” I added.

“We should talk about it before going back to our respective lives as your boss and my employee,” he added.

“What do you mean?” I chuckled. “Hey! Why do you sound so serious this time? What is it about you acting that way, huh?” I pretended not to know anything. Not because I wanted to lie to him, but because I was lost in words to say to him. Knowing his stubbornness, I doubted he wouldn’t easily give in to my simple reasoning. But it’s not like I can tell him the real reason though. Not now. And not this time.

“I know that you know what I mean.” He uttered. “It’s about the kiss.”

“Hey!” I laughed while punching his arms. “You don’t need to worry about it, okay? It doesn’t mean anything to me. I’m a grown-up man, so trivial things like that don’t affect me at all. Let’s just forget about it, okay? And you can take my word. I won’t spread malicious rumors to ruin your reputation and to the company as well. I’m not that kind of person, you know.” I explained.

But looking at his face, he was not satisfied with my reasoning. “But not to me.” He added. “I think…” He was staring at me closely. “I think I like you.”

“He like me?” I asked myself. “No, I must have misheard things,” I added.

“I don’t know when and where it all started. No, I will explain to you how it happened and why. I just woke up one day and I couldn’t stop thinking about you,” he said. “Then, things just went out of control. And it was only recently that I realized my true feelings for you. And the kiss, it matters to me a lot.”

I was speechless at his sudden confession. My mind went out as if the neurons and blood flow stopped working. My body froze for a moment. I wanted to leave desperately and go to a place far from him so I could be alone with the collet all my thoughts. But I can’t. And what’s worst, my heart beats faster and worse, as if I could have a heart attack any moment from now.

“I know you’re shocked right now. And I’m not expecting any answer from you for now.” He added. “If there’s something that I want from you, just don’t stay by my side. Don’t leave.” He pleaded like a child begging his mom not to leave him.

“Hey! Do you hear yourself right now?” I uttered after my quick realization that love is not for me. “You like me? Are you crazy? I’m a man, so are you! Telling me that you like me would only cause you trouble. And I bet you know what I mean,” I added sharply.

“I know. But it’s not like I can teach my heart whom to love. This is new to me as well. At first, I tried to hide my feelings because I was scared. But, I can’t hide anymore. I don’t plan to either,” he insisted.

“You know what you’re selfish,” I commented. “Have you realized that because of that stupid feeling of yours, I might get fired from my job? I can’t lose my job. I went through loops and hoops just to get where I am right now. And I won’t let anything take it away from me.”

“I’m sorry.” He apologized. “I’m sorry if you have to feel that way. But I’m not saying sorry for what I feel. I’m just being honest here.”

“You know what, if you just keep on talking about nonsense things, let’s just stop talking, okay?” I commented while moving a step away from him.

“Hey!” He called out, but I didn’t listen and instead continued my steps.

Luckily, I was able to get out of that awkward conversation. “Thank goodness!” I told myself. “Good job, Eli,” I added. For a bit, I felt relieved. I thought I was caught in between and I was close to telling him my secret. Thank goodness, I wasn’t.

***

Meanwhile, I didn’t go back to the shoreline where my boss was staying. I decided to remain in the shade of a tree—a distance away from him, not until our rescue would arrive, although I didn’t know when that would be. Well, it’s just that I can’t afford to stay in a close space with him, especially not after his unexpected confession. And it’s like he would listen to me as well. I saw he wasn’t joking with me earlier. He was damn serious. How do I wish we could meet in a different situation? On a different life? Not having an entangled relationship like we have right now. And maybe then, I could openly accept his love just like any normal person. But it’s wishful thinking that, even in dreams, is impossible.

A few hours had passed and I fell asleep while letting the day pass. I suddenly woke up with someone calling my name. At first, I thought it was just a dream. But after paying attention to it, I realized it wasn’t. The voice gets louder and closer.

“Eli! Eli! Where are you?” The voice seemed familiar.

I saw a few people approaching in my direction. I slowly slanted my eyes so I could focus on determining who was coming. I paid attentively and my heart yelped in overwhelming excitement and happiness after seeing who it was. It was Kelly and Barb. I immediately rushed towards them.

“Kelly! Barb! I’m here.” I shouted while running.

I was never this happy being rescued, not even when I was a child. Whenever I got lost in the road and my parents would save me afterward, I was happy but not with the same happiness that I feel right now. Well, maybe I was just very happy to finally get out of this island, go home—go back to the place where I should be—the kind of life I should be living—a life where he’s not part of it.

“Are you okay?” Kelly worriedly asked. “We were so worried about you. We couldn’t even sleep properly last night.”

“Yeah, right! We were scared as to what could have happened to you. I know we shouldn’t worry because you’re a man and we believe you can manage wherever you might be. But after seeing how damaged the boat you rode in during the race, we couldn’t stop ourselves from feeling anxious and scared. We thought something bad had happened to you,” Barb added.

“I’m sorry for keeping you worried.” I apologized.

“Hey! Let’s stop this drama, okay?” Kelly interrupted. “What’s more important is that Eli is safe and so as your boss.”

“Let’s go!” Barb uttered. “We have to leave immediately before it gets dark. We need to go home so we can rest one whole day tomorrow before going back to work.”

“Tomorrow? Isn’t it tomorrow 's Tuesday? It’s a working day. So, how could I rest by then?” I curiously asked.

“Your boss called tomorrow as a rest day after the incident. Well, that’s good because you need to rest too after what you’ve been through. Plus, once you return to work, you’ll be transferred to the deputy director’s office. I heard working there is like hell. So, you need all the strength you can get from resting one whole day at home so you can last in there.” Kelly uttered. “Let’s go!” She added. “I want to go home so desperately and sleep in my bed. I couldn’t sleep in my room since Barb was so howling like a wolf in the night.”

“Hey!” Barb protested and we both laughed.

“Wait!” I stopped for a while after not seeing my boss on the shoreline. I scanned the place searching for him but I couldn’t get a glance at his location. He was nowhere to be found.

“Why? What’s wrong?” Kelly asked.

“Were you looking for your boss?” Barb asked. “Don’t worry, he’s safe. He requested to be transported first. Luckily, we bought two rescue boats, so the rescuers agreed. And besides, we are also here to help, so they leave ahead of us. I guess they are already about to arrive at the resort we’re staying in.”

“Really?” I uttered. “Let’s go!”

***

At home.

After sleeping for more than 17 hours from the time I arrived at the house, I went to the kitchen and scanned for food I could devour. But I was disappointed after not seeing any traces of food. I sighed deeply at the sight of the refrigerator. It was only filled with a lot of bottled water. “I guess I should do some groceries this time,” I told myself. “I can’t believe you were able to survive this kind of life, Eli. If mom was here, she would have to s***k you on the head. She would have told you, ‘Hey! You’re a woman. So, how could you not have any stored food on your kitchen counters? Not even fruits or veggies on your refrigerator.’

Suddenly, my phone beeped. It was Bob.

“If you’re up, come down and join us for dinner, okay?” He texted.

“Now, I know how I was able to survive this kind of life then,” I told myself after reading Bob’s message. It was because I had a friend. Not just any kind of friend. But a friend on a different level. If not because of him, I would have given up from the start.

I went downstairs—to Bob’s place and joined them for dinner. Even if things between us are already fixed, I know I should learn how to stand up for myself. I should learn how not to depend on him too much. That’s what I told myself after Bob and I got reconciled. But here I am again, depending on him. I thought I was already on track to living independently. But after the chaos my boss had caused in my heart and my life, I couldn’t get a grasp of myself and about running my own life. To the point of forgetting to buy some groceries.

“You’re here!” Bob welcomed me with his warm greetings. Just his usual self. “Take a seat. I’ll just scoop this soup into the bowl and we’re set to eat.”

“Yes,” I replied while pulling a chair in front of me. “Where’s Bella?” I asked.

“She was staying at our aunt’s house in the countryside. They’ll be having a group project and it needs to be done on the outskirts.

So, I let her and her friends stay at my aunt’s house, so, someone can look after them.” He explained. “Well, I know I could trust her, since she was more mature than I am. But, I would only be at ease if I knew she was with someone I could trust. But don’t worry, she’ll be home two days from now.”

“Really? That’s good to hear,” I replied.

“What about you? How was your team building in Palawan? Did you have fun?” He asked while we started our dinner.

“Yes, it was fun,” I replied.

“Fun? But your face says differently.” He noted. “Why? What’s wrong? Did something happen during your trip? Or, did your boss do something?”

“No, of course not.” I immediately explained. “Why would you think that every time I wasn’t good, my boss did something bad to me, huh?” I added.

“That’s not what I mean, Eli,” Bob uttered. “But as someone who has known you for too long, I know if something’s wrong with you. You know, best friend’s instinct,” he added.

“Fine! You won.” I conceded.

“Seriously? He did something?” Bob curiously asked. “Tell me! What did he do this time that made you like that? You’ve even slept for 17 hours. That’s very unusual of you.”

“I’ll tell you once we have finished eating, okay?” I begged. “I don’t want to get an upset stomach. Plus, you have told me not to talk about bad things on the table. It’s bad luck, isn’t it?”

“Fine. If you say so,” he replied.

***

After dinner.

Since then, it has been our ritual as best friends to drink some coffee every after dinner while staring at the night sky. Even if there were days where the night breeze was very cold, to the point that it would make your body shiver, we didn’t stop that unique habit of ours. Well, it was very helpful, I must say, for our friendship to grow that deep and well-founded even until this day. And thanks to that, we were able to fix our recent problems. We were able to talk about things we couldn’t say to each other during the day. Well, I don’t know exactly, but every time we were on the rooftop with a calming ambiance, we couldn’t stop ourselves from being honest and sharing our deepest emotions and secrets. And even until this day, I was still in awe as to what magic that rooftop and that night breeze held. But, all I know is, after I go and share my thoughts, I feel relieved. And just like magic, I unexpectedly gathered enough courage to face whatever I should face at the beginning.

“I’m not telling you what you should do and what you shouldn’t do, Eli,” Bob uttered. “But, as your best friend, I guess it would be best if you would tell him not maybe the whole truth, because we both know we couldn’t afford its aftermath. I just thought that maybe you should have told him 101 reasons why you couldn’t accept his love.” He added.

“101 reasons? Seriously? I wasn’t joking, Bob.” I commented.

“Neither am I.” He replied. “What I mean to say is, not literally 101 reasons. You just give him enough reasons why you can’t. Enough that he will stop pestering you and you can focus solely on your goal. And if it’s really hard for you to tell him that face to face. Then, you can tell those reasons to yourself. 101 reasons why you shouldn’t fall for him. And maybe, by doing that, you can get back on track on the things you should prioritize more. I’m not saying this because I was jealous of him. I know you like him too, Eli. And trust me, I also want you to be happy even if he’s the one that could give you that happiness. I’m all in for that. But I also know what you’ve been fighting for. What you have to sacrifice just to be where you are right now. And I don’t want you to feel any regrets at the end when things didn’t go the way we planned from the start. And I bet you know what I mean, Eli.” He added. “I’ll go ahead. So, you can think about things well before going back to your job tomorrow. Good night! Bye!”

“Yes, Bye! Good night!” I replied.

I spent the whole night pondering what Bob told me. “101 reasons why I can’t fall for him.” Those words kept on running into my mind until the sunrise. Thankfully, I slept for long hours and a sleepless night didn’t affect me a bit.

I went to the office as early as 6 am. And transferred my things before working hours so that the transition would be as smooth as possible. Last night, I drafted a two-page bond paper containing the 101 reasons why I shouldn’t fall for him. And since it’s not like I can tell him all the reasons I wrote, I decided to draft a note and put it in my journal so I would be reminded every now and then.

Things went smoothly during the day, but before I could wrap up my work. My former boss suddenly texted me to meet him in his office. At first, I hesitated, but after seeing the photo he sent. It was my journal. My eyes rolled into shock after remembering the note I recently posted in that journal. But before going to his office, I searched for my journal first on my table since I had doubts as to how it landed on his hands. I was so sure I was holding it a while ago. But I was surprised when a memory hit me.

“That was my journal.” I sighed deeply. “I’m doomed.”

I went hurriedly to his office but even before I could speak, he was already narrating the things I wrote in it. I tried to snatch it away from him but he was so quick to respond.

“I don’t care how many reasons you have written in this journal. But let me just tell you one enough reason why I like you.” He uttered. “I like you because it’s you, Eli. I like everything about you. I can’t name them one by one because I believe that would surpass your 101 reasons not to fall for me.”

***

I spent a whole sleepless night drafting that note. I had a full trash bin containing all the wasted papers I crumpled after feeling that what I wrote wasn’t good enough. I used all my brain cells just to come up with a reasonable reason to remind myself why I can’t fall for him. But I couldn’t believe that it only takes one reason for him to cross the boundaries I set for myself. I can’t believe it only takes three—“because it’s you” words for my 101 reasons for crumpling like trash.