HE WAS A SHE

CHAPTER 15: THE WEIGHT OF BOLD CHOICES

“Run quickly, Eli!” The words plaguing my head as I rushed to the hospital, the nurse told me over the phone. I rush to the road after getting impatient waiting for a cab. I ran without thinking about how I would look since I was wearing nighttime pajamas and a plain t-shirt with my favorite sleepers. I ran with haste and just left the plastic bag full of groceries I bought outside the convenience store. I was running even though I was trying to catch my breath. I was running with only one name on my mind—my boss.

Honestly, that kind of run looks familiar to me. The kind of run as if you had to run for your life. A run where your only focus is your goal upfront. A run where you don’t think about anything else except to be in the place you want to be. A run where you don’t mind what’s around you and where everything just freezes and you’re the only one moving. A run where it makes your heart pound like crazy and your mind like stupid. I have only run like that in my life twice. The first was when I heard that my sister had died. I rushed without even knowing where she was. I ran with only one thing in my mind—I wanted to see her. I wanted to confirm that the news I heard was just a rumor. I ran as if I wanted to fly from school to where she was. I ran desperately. The second was when my dad died a few years after my sister was gone. Just like how it was with my sister’s death. I also run desperately. I ran as fast as I could without taking stops to catch my breath. I don’t care if I am hit by a car on the road, or if I stumble on the ground. If there’s one thing plugging on my mind on that day, it was that I wanted to see my dad alive. I wanted to confirm that my guts were wrong. All of those runs I made in the past carried pain and sadness into my life. Unlike those marathoners, their end goal is sweet because it was a reward for their hard work. That’s why they run for their lives. But for me, the end goal was not something I wanted to achieve. Instead, it’s something I wish I hadn't desperately taken.

But now, as I was running that same kind of run I did in the past, my mind was a heavy burden. My mind can’t stop processing the worst scenario. No matter how much I tell myself, everything will work for good. I was soaked with sweat. My shirt was totally drenched with water—with my sweat to be exact. My legs were aching with muscle pain. My joints were aching. And, when I was standing outside the door, I couldn’t feel my feet anymore, as if they became numb. And without letting any moment pass, I quickly opened the door and sneaked inside the room. There, I saw him lying unconsciously on the hospital bed while some tubes were plunged into his mouth to support his breathing. As I slowly approached him, tears kept on flowing into my cheeks. I grabbed his hands.

“Thank goodness!” I deeply sighed after feeling the warmth of his hand.

I felt like a thorn had been plucked from my heart. But still, I’m not yet at ease since he was still in a coma, as his doctor said. I want to do something but I don’t know what exactly I can do to help him.

That’s when everything flashes back like a memory in my mind. Memories I’ve been trying so hard to hide even from myself. Memories I’ve been trying so hard to deny. Memories I want to keep for myself. From the first day, I saw him where he was, showing his slanted eyes and domineering look. To the day he was so rude to me just because of making simple mistakes at work, to the day when he was so weird, to the day he was like a knight who’s ready to save his damsel in distress and until, that day, he was sleeping soundly. Only one thing became clearer: I do love him for real.

My heart was filled with sudden fear. My mind tells me, “this is not right, Eli” but my heart says the other way around. I moved a step back and wanted to leave the room as quickly as possible. But, he suddenly grabbed my hands, leading me to lose balance and eventually fall beside him on the same bed he was resting. That’s when my heart skipped a beat. I tried to shake my hands off his grip. But he was so strong. I eventually give up and remain laid beside him while staring at his face. Even with our current situation, he seemed not bothered at all as he was still not opening his eyes. We were just an inch closer to each other. Enough to feel his breath. And so much enough for him to hear how my heart beats faster and how awkward I am right now. I tried to let go of his grip again but this time, he suddenly hugged me and whispered something in my ears.

“I miss you.” He said. “I miss you, Eli.” He added.

“This is not right, Eli,” I told myself as I pushed him away.

But, just like how he held my hands tightly earlier, he didn’t let me go as well this time. He hugged me tightly, not giving me any chance to escape. That’s when tears suddenly fell from my eyes. I was sobbing, pleading with him to stop. But he was stubborn.

“Don’t cry.” He begged while letting me go from his arms. But, not completely free though, as he was holding my arms enough, so I couldn’t go away. Then suddenly, he wipes my tears away with his hands. “Why? What’s wrong? Why are you crying? Stop it, please. You’re making me sad right now,” he added.

“Stop it, Sir,” I uttered. “This is wrong,” I added with pleading eyes.

“Why? What’s wrong with falling for someone?” He asked.

“You know what I mean,” I said.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he replied.

“Don’t act as if you don’t know what I’m talking about,” I insisted. “Us! This! This is very wrong. I bet you know how this love you’re talking about would backlash you. Your family. Your reputation. Your life. Your career that you’ve been protecting for so long. Everything that you’ve been working so hard to achieve. Everything will be a waste just because of the stupid love you’re talking about. So, before you regret anything, stop this nonsense.”

“How could you say that my feelings for you are just nonsense?” He asserted with seriousness in his eyes. “How could you believe so easily that I would regret falling for you? What I felt here…” He placed my hand on his chest. “This is real, Eli. This is not fake. Did you hear it?”

“You know what, we’re not making sense here,” I commented, and was about to stand up when he suddenly snatched my hand with his left hand while his right hand grabbed my face closer to him. A closeness that makes my lips touch his. My eyes rolled in shock. But it was already too late to push him away as I was kissing him back voluntarily, as if it was my other person who was taking control over my entire body.

It wasn’t the first time we kissed. It was the second time actually. The first one was because of an accident. But even from the first, I knew something had changed. I know I already felt something different for him. But I tried to fool myself that there wasn’t and no need to worry. I even tried to distance myself away from him. I tried to erase him from my mind and forget that stupid kiss. I acted as if that kiss didn’t mean anything to me. Even though I feel there was a little awkwardness, I acted as if things were okay between us. And even when he confessed, I continued my act. I told myself loving him would only hurt me and my mom, who’s more important to me than anything and anyone else in the world. And no matter how much persistence he showed, I didn’t give in easily, not until that day—not until he crushed my wall and crossed the line.

“Or, was it me who crossed the line this time?” I asked.

***

I woke up from the sunrays striking my eyes. “Oh! It was already daybreak.” I uttered as I slowly opened my eyes. I froze for a moment after seeing my sleeping position—wrapped around my boss’s arms. My eyes rolled into shock after recalling what happened last night—how I ended up rushing towards him and the kiss I just freely responded.

“You’re crazy, Eli!” I pinched my head. “Hey! How could you let this happen?” I whispered so he wouldn’t wake up, since that would be so awkward for me.

Then, I slowly removed my arms from his embrace. “Slowly. Slowly.” I hissed. “Thank goodness.” I sighed deeply after feeling relief from the awkward sleeping position I took myself.

“Hey! How could you sleep soundly in this situation, huh?” I hissed while staring at him, feeling a bit pissed off, not with him but with myself.

“Mmm…” He unconsciously hummed, leading my reflexes to act in defense in case he would grab me suddenly just like what he did last night.

Thankfully, he was still in dreamland. He was still sleeping soundly. I checked my phone and my eyes bulged in utter shock after seeing Bob’s missed call and a lot of text messages.

“Ah! Right! He must have been so worried that I didn’t come home last night.” I did well while replying to his messages with haste while walking out of the room. “I didn’t even text him back to where I was well and if I was doing well or not. You’re so bad, Eli. Just because of that kiss, you forgot everything.” I added.

But, I suddenly halted when I almost reached the door. I remember something. I turned around and took a gaze at him. I moved closer to him. I picked a piece of a blanket from the drawer and covered him so he wouldn’t get cold since his original blanket was dumped on his body. I stared at him for a while and fixed the hair that was covering his handsome face. I chuckled silently.

“Hey! Stop it, Eli!” I slapped my face and breathed deeply.

I went out for a while to buy some food for him after remembering how he hated food served in the hospital. Although the menu was great and delicious, he still threw a tantrum about it and wouldn’t stop bothering me to buy him a different food—something that is being sold in the convenience store.

“He’s really weird,” I told myself. Yes, I would eat this kind of food as well, but not on the menu served at the hospital exclusively for him. Since MC Group owns the hospital he was rushed to, he was given not just VIP treatment but a VVIP one. Well, seeing how the ambiance of his room feels different from VIP rooms in the hospital, he’s really on a different level. The room was very spacious. It has a huge couch for the guests. It has a kitchen and a fridge where you can cook and store any food you want. It has a well-furnished wardrobe cabinet for storing your stuff and it has a lot of bedding. It has a comfortable room with a bathtub and a nice showerhead. Anyone would agree, it wasn’t a room in a hospital but a hotel. And, it has a spare bed for someone who would want to stay for a night, too.

“Hey! It has a spare bed?” I asked after realizing how I ended up sleeping next to him on that single bed. In fact, there was a spare bed in his room. “No wonder my back has been aching from the moment I stood up.” I sighed.

After buying all the stuff he requested, I immediately went to his room and arranged the stuff I bought for him. After completing the task, I decided to go home first so I could think about things carefully. But before leaving, I left a note on his bedside table saying, ‘I’ll be taking a day off from work. Don’t call or text me. Don’t do anything. P.S. Don’t worry, I won’t leave this time. I just needed some time to think things over again. I’ll be back. Promise.’

***

I was walking home with mixed emotions all over me. I am happy. Yes, I know because, finally, I don’t need to hide from him anymore. I don’t need to fool myself that I don’t feel anything special about him. I don’t need to pretend that I don’t love him. But a part of me feels blue or more scared. Scared because I knew this was something outside of my plans. Scared because I know things won’t go smoothly, especially in our situation. And I know the risks I have to face ahead of us. He didn’t know I was a woman, to begin with, and lying to him would surely cause a stir in our relationship. Even if I had a reason behind it, the ends will never justify the means. I know I would hurt him badly once the truth is revealed. Not just about lying about my real s****l identity, but even hiding my goal of coming into the company and his life. And no matter how much I feed myself with positive thoughts, I can’t stop feeling anxious about the kind of future that awaits us.

“Hey!” Bob suddenly sprang out of my back, leading me to lose balance.

“Oh! You startled me!” I gasped.

“I’m sorry.” He chuckled. “Where have you been? I saw you rushing to get a cab while leaving the things you bought at the convenience store. You didn’t come home last night, either. Is something wrong?” He worriedly asked.

“Nothing,” I replied.

I lied again, to my best friend. I know I already made a promise that I wouldn’t keep secrets from him. But then again, I just broke that promise so easily. Well, it’s not that I intended to lie to him, to begin with. But it’s not like I can tell him what happened in the hospital last night. I was too ashamed to tell him that I was so weak in fighting my feelings for the person I shouldn’t love to begin with. I don’t have a face to say to him that I let my feelings rule over with my ultimate goal of justice and revenge. I don’t dare say that I let things go wasted just because of falling for my boss.

“Are you sure?” He added. “I mean, the look on your face when you were answering a call from last night and how you just rushed to get a cab, left the things you bought, and were desperately in panic mode tells me it was damn serious. That something was going on. I have called you many times and even sent you a lot of text messages but you’re not answering your phone nor replying to my messages. You just don’t know how worried I have been since last night.”

“I’m okay,” I said. “I’m sorry for keeping you worried about nothing,” I added while going upstairs.

“I called the center where your mom is,” he commented.

I suddenly paused because I knew I wouldn’t be able to use my mom as an excuse. And knowing Bob, I know he won’t stop questioning me until he is satisfied with my answers.

“I’ll tell you later. Bob. Okay?” I pleaded.

Bob nodded. “Whatever it is, Eli, just remember I’m always here. You can tell me anything. I’m all ears for you. I know you’re hesitating because of the confession I made in the past. But please don’t forget that, even before I realize that I do like you, we are best friends, right? So, just like how you have been there for me in the past, I will always be here for you as well—through thick and thin. Okay?” He added.

“I know. Later, Bob. Later.” I added while continuing my steps.

***

A week had passed since I filed an emergency leave from work and since that day I have just let my feelings out openly. And just like how I told him not to contact me or anything, he really didn’t bother or show up in front of me. He listened this time. And thanks to that, I was given ample time to breathe and, most importantly, to think about things all over again.

Meanwhile, I had a dream the other night. It was with my sister. But unlike my previous dream in the past where she was shouting for help and was crying, this time it was different. She was relaxed and at peace and she seemed happy. I don’t know why, but a smile couldn’t leave her beautiful face. We were holding hands while walking in a nice garden. Although I didn’t know where we would be headed, I was happy walking beside her. But at the end of that dream, she told me something. “Be happy, Eli!” She uttered while smiling at me. I was clueless as to what she meant by those words and I chased after her. I wanted to ask her desperately but she was gone in a blink of an eye. I kept searching for her but she was gone. And the last thing, I remembered, I was already awake from that dream.

I don’t know why she visited me like that, since I rarely had a dream about her from the day I decided to seek justice for her and our late father. I kept searching for answers. I even visited her grave the next day with the hope of finding any sign that would tell me what she meant with her words—Be happy, Eli!” I have been really troubled since that day. But now, I still feel clueless. I also visited mom but it was a failure.

And after a week of rest, I know I have to go back to my work, to the company, and to my boss, whom I made a promise not to leave this time. I need to go back to the life I know I should have left as soon as possible.

“Honestly, Eli. I don’t know what to say to you right now. I can’t find any word that I can tell you what the best thing to do is.” Bob uttered. “Don’t get me wrong, okay? But we both know how tough the path you are trying to cross is. I’m not saying this because I also had feelings for you. I am here as your best friend. And I am telling you, it’s going to be hard. You know what I mean, right?”

“I know.” I deeply sighed. “I also didn’t want this to happen in the first place. God knows Bob, I stopped myself from falling for him. I hide it even from myself. But one day, I just couldn’t keep it anymore. And the last thing I know, the bomb inside has already exploded. And now, I am slowly experiencing the aftermath of the explosion. I was torn between being happy and not.”

“What about your plan? Are we still on it?” He asked.

“Of course,” I firmly replied. “I won’t let my feelings ruin everything we worked hard just to be where we are right now.”

“Okay! That’s all I need to hear, Eli.” He uttered. “As long as your goal doesn’t change, you can win this. We can because we’re on this together. Don’t worry, I’ve already had info about the only witness to your sister’s death.”

“What did you say?” I curiously asked.

“Yes, you’ve heard it right. I’ve already found the former driver and personal bodyguard of Mr. Mike Cruz. The name he first mentioned was with your sister on the rooftop before she died. I know he changed his statement towards the end of the hearing of the case. But hearing how he went missing afterward feels something off about it. Even the way he mentioned the name of Mike Cruz feels odd. Someone wouldn’t simply mention any names unless it was from someone he really saw with his own two eyes. A fire won’t be a fire without smoke in it, right?” Bob explained.

“Thank you, Bob.” I sobbed. “Thank you so much. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“Don’t thank me yet, Eli. We’re still not sure about it. It’s purely out of gut feelings,” he uttered.

“But still, this is a good sign,” I replied.

“It really is. So, cheer up, okay?” He added.

“Yes,” I nodded.

“Are you going back to work tomorrow?” He asked.

“Yes,” I replied.

“Hey! Why do you have a long face? Huh?” He asked. “You should be happy because you will be seeing the man that you like, isn’t it?” He continued to tease.

***

The following day. The day I promised I need to go back to him. The day I knew would mark the start of the tough road I was about to cross. The day I feared to happen from the start. But, it’s also the day. I need to face my feelings square-headed. Regardless of the possibilities, I know there’s no more hiding and no more running away from it. The more I stall, the more I hesitate, and the more painful it will be.

I woke up early so I would arrive at the company earlier than my boss. Plus, I also needed to talk to him before starting the day. I just left without telling him beforehand and that must have caused him to worry about knowing his personality. And we also need to talk about our set-up in the office, since I don’t think this is the right time to tell him about my real gender identity yet—that I’m actually a woman and he doesn’t need to doubt his masculinity anymore. After what I'd heard from Bob, I needed to buy some time on faking my identity. Bob is right. Nothing has changed in my ultimate goal and I shouldn’t let my feelings come in between my plans. Not now, when I’ve already found a glimpse of hope.

I was walking to the bus stop since I left the car I was using for work when I filed an urgent leave from work. But even before I could hop onto the bus that arrived, a car was honking in front of the bus. At first, I just ignored it. But after seeing the irritated faces of the passengers on the bus, since it couldn’t move on its way, the car that was honking loudly was blocking its way.

“Hey! Just hop in quickly.” A woman shouted.

“Don’t include us in your lover’s quarrel. We don’t want to be late for our work.” A man furiously added.

I was clueless as to what they were saying, since I wasn’t expecting someone to pick me up for work. Although my instinct told me it could be my boss, since the car seemed familiar to me, I just ignored it since he’s not someone who would wake up this early—as early as 6 am. I slowly walked toward the car and it stopped honking.

“Hop in!” The man uttered. My eyes rolled into shock seeing who it was. And my gut feeling was right. It was really my boss.

“Hurry!”

I immediately got in after seeing how the people were agitated and pissed off from getting stuck in the small road traffic.

“Hey! What are you so early this day, huh?” My boss uttered. “Thankfully, I managed to wake up early and caught you.” He happily added. “Did you have breakfast already? What about a cup of coffee? There’s a newly opened coffee shop within the city. Don’t worry, it’s far from the company so no one will see us.” He commented. “Let’s go! Okay?” He added, acting like a coy.

I was shocked by his sudden behavior, so I was left speechless. I didn’t know how to react or what to say to him. It was the first time I saw him acting this way. I don’t know if I would feel happy or I would feel embarrassed about it.

“We’re here.” He excitedly uttered.

But as soon as I got out of the car, my phone suddenly rang. It was Bob. I wonder why he’d called me this early since we had seen each other not too long ago and we had breakfast together as well, so if he had something to say, he would have said it over breakfast.

“Um… Sir, if you’ll excuse me for a moment. I need to take this call first if you don’t mind,” I said.

“Sure! No worries.” He responded. “I’ll order for you instead. What do you want to have?”

“Just coffee. Ice latte.” I replied.

“Okay!” he added.

***

Bob and I had a serious phone conversation that lasted for as quickly as 5 minutes, since he wanted to further explain things face to face. Well, things like that need not be talked about over the phone. But even though it was a quick phone call, I didn’t get to the coffee shop immediately. I remained seated on the bench outside. I was still letting the info Bob told me earlier sink into my mind. I was in utter shock the moment he was still speaking. Well, who wouldn’t in the first place? The former driver and personal bodyguard of Mike Cruz—who is the former COO of MC Group and one of the suspects who spilled the truth on that day my sister died. He took back what he said on the court and that Mike Cruz was really on that rooftop where the incident happened. But what struck me was that he mentioned another name he hadn’t said in the past. He said that the current COO of the company and Mike’s half-brother were also present on that rooftop the night my sister died. He was not just simply a bystander, he was there and was the one who dragged Mike out of the scene so he would be dragged into this case. He was the one who told Mike to just leave quickly and quietly and just left my sister’s dead body alone.

“Why would he do that? Why? Why would he be there in the first place? Why did he remain quiet about it? Why did he not testify? Why?” I asked myself after feeling bewildered by the situation.

I know choosing to love him was never an easy path to take to begin with. But I didn’t know that this bold choice of mine would be this burden to carry on my shoulders. I know I told myself of the possibilities ahead, but I didn’t expect it to be this tough.