What an unfair price to pay

What he put us through can never be taken back, what he stole can never be returned. The children he destroyed vanished over night. The scars are imbedded on our bodies forever, the memories you left are a constant nightmare filled with trauma. The hand never stopped at the thigh, it was greedy and determined, consuming our innocents and forever altering our future. Our faces permanently stained with the tears we had shed, our cries forever echoing in our minds begging you to stop, begging for an adult to rush to us to save us. Instead we became that adult who came to save us and protect the children we used to be. Our fight is far from over as your family comes for us, spreading lies and spreads misinformation, stalking our every move and glorifies monstrous hands that trailed over us like we were adults. Victim shaming us and calling us liars, showing "evidence" that was explained and proven otherwise. We stand tall through it trying to heal through the scares you left on us, we push through and continue to endure. We know we did the right thing for us and for the future, protecting other girls from our fate. We will take on all the darkness and all the lies and eat it, just so others don't have to go through what we did. Still today simple things make my PTSD worse, like cigarettes' smoke, or waking up to the smoke in my house. Afraid to fall asleep because I'm afraid that when I wake up he'll be hovering over me ready to abuse me. Those hands leaving more marks on me, I swear the world can see. But it's not just me, it's not just me that you left those prints on. It's not just me that looks in the mirror and see the curse you laid on us. We all have our own demons and battles to heal from after what he did to us. What matters is, he'll never get out. The world is safer and brighter. My Victims impact statement. I did my best to follow the suggestion given in writing this, finding the words to say was hard this is more than just a statement it's an apology for my younger self and for my sisters. I wake up everyday to see this thing shattered and scarred, from the trauma he gave to me. I keep having this terrible feeling that my body is not mine. I'm trapped in it, I've learned never to trust very easily. Especially men, because at any point they can decide that they can take what they want regardless of age. I still see this 9-year-old girl I failed to protect. I have yet to see a survivor. I keep looking back on what ifs.... What if I was strong enough to protect myself my sisters and my cousin? Would things be different? I still fully believe that his family had a part to play as well. They share the blame for what he's done, they knew what he was doing, failed to have him go to his s*x offenders classes and enabled him. His mother is just as guilty she had the ability to possibly protect innocent children and failed to do so. So many innocent children suffered and lives forever altered. I'm unable to do certain things or, be adventurous with intimate matters with my own husband, thanks to the trauma left behind. I can't even get a physical without feeling threatened and feeling like I have to protect myself. I'm just that 9-year-old girl being violated all over again. In school the bullying got worse because of rumors going around of how I was doing things with who they called my stepdad. All because he was dating my mother everything changed since that nightmare. A part of me died and I'm left with a ghost. I much rather forget. The first time I made an attempt on my life I was 9, I remember being so angry that I was still alive and, all I could think was how cruel this life was. What did I do to him that was so bad for him to do such awful things to me? I was supposed to count on him, rely on him, and feel safe around him. I was supposed to look to him to know that he was going to guide me and, have my best attentions at heart. He was my elder I had no choice but to put my trust into him. Instead I was left with scars, PTSD, major anxiety and, depression. I will never know who that little girl was supposed to grow up to be, because she died and faded out along the way leaving this ugly shell. I can't go out into the public without thinking something is wrong with me. I swear they can see invisible handprints on my body was no longer pure. I second guess everything. Going through this trial was a mixture of emotions. Anxiety and, fear embarrassment and, shame ran me. Opening up to complete strangers, fearing being judged for not doing more. Not to mention the frustrations every time the case was pushed out. Seeing his face and his family face honestly makes me sick. Because when I see their faces all I see is the trauma left behind and, the smiles that they carry going on through their life like they had gotten away with something. I was so terrified seeing him again, being stuck in that mind frame of being helpless small and, young and so easy to break. I was terrified he was going to hurt me again. But somehow call it God's will, call it someone finding strength to stand up for others that haven't found their voice, call it what you will. I push through the shame and, the fear and, the embarrassment and, the tears and we were finally heard. It was the most amazing feeling I've ever felt being able to finally be heard. Seems like it was unstoppable because there was hope. I can say this I'm thankful to the state of Washington, I'm thankful to all the amazing advocates, to Taylor to Mitzi they were angels in disguise. I'm thankful to the detective, to Derek, to the judge and, jury for listening for being fair and, so kind to me for when I was unsure when to talk and for being so patient with me. Thank you for the ones that fought for us, it still doesn't feel real to me after so long we know that future generations are finally safe, we got Justice not just for us but to any victims that didn't come forward or couldn't come forward. The outcome I'd like to see is that bad people actually have to answer for what they've done, that Justice actually happens. More than that, I want to be able to see my younger self and say we made it, we're safe and no one else can never hurt us again. No one can be harmed again, maybe I can look my sisters and cousin in the eye and tell them everything's going to be okay now. I'm sorry for not doing enough to protect you. For arguing with him when he said if I let him he wouldn't touch the two of you. I'm so sorry for failing you. I hope that one day you'd be able to forgive me. And I hope that we all could heal and begin to love ourselves the way we deserve to be loved. The way we love other people, I hope to one day see pride in myself, and not the shell that I am now. I want to live I don't want to just survive anymore. Even now I feel selfish. I know I wasn't the only one, it's a double-edged sword, relief knowing I wasn't the only one and, that I'm not alone......But pain for the others that had to endure what I had to. I hope and pray everyone can find peace, grow and cherish their loved ones. More importantly I hope that after all of this is over I can finally look for myself in the mirror and, not see that damaged ghosts staring back at me. I want to feel like I can be loved and, not something that needs to be ashamed of.