Thoughts Never Intended to be Explained

“We will turn off the fasten seat belt sign as soon as it is safe for all passengers to exit the aircraft. We will be arriving at gate 3 B, that’s B as in Baltimore. Again we will be arriving at gate 3 B, B as in Baltimore. It has been our pleasure getting you to your destination. Hope to see you back soon. Thank you for flying with Southwest Airlines.” The intercom cut off and the plane began crawling across the parking lot slower. X stared out the window as the plane slowly pulled up to the gate. She was never in a rush to get off the plane since she took direct flights and Baltimore was her current work-needed location. She patiently waited as the gentleman who sat next to her in first class gently folded his blanket, laid it in his seat, opened the overhead bin and grabbed his bags. He didn’t speak to her the entire flight and didn’t offer his help with her bags as a gentleman should. ‘Stuck up asshole,’ X thought as she watched him walk off and she shook her head. She shuffled out her seat and grabbed her two bags. She had two full weeks of scrubs, workout clothes, a bathing suit, a pair of flip flips and two pairs of tennis shoes. There was no need to pack other clothes because working 12-14 hour days left her no time to do any going out and on top of that, she hated baggage claim. Headphones bumping Future, she walked down the hallway to the main terminal to navigate her way to the rental car desk. The Baltimore- Washington Airport seemed to be a thousand miles wide and a million more in length. After pacing a million steps; exhausted; X finally arrived at the desk to get her rental car. She went through the normal process but when the attendant said “Awwww…” X rolled her eyes and said, “What now, please enlighten me…” The attendant then informed X of what he had just discovered, “Well Mrs. Morelez, it seems that the economy car Toyota Corolla is currently out of stock. What I can do for you is upgrade you to one of these three for free. I have a Jeep Grand Cherokee Overland, a Fiat, and Red Mini Cooper S. Which would work for you?” X’s eyes opened wider and she said, “Oh well that’s not so bad of news, let me have the Jeep Overland, I haven’t driven one of those before.” The attendant replied, “Great, I can do that for you, no extra charge.” After finishing the paperwork, the representative handed X the keys and she made her merry way down the parking lot to find her car. She set off the alarm to locate the SUV. She saw the all black on black Jeep flashing its head lights and pressed her lips in agreement. The rims and leather interior was all black, but most of all the steering wheel and seats were heated for Baltimore’s cold weather. X pleasantly pleased with her choice, backed out the parking spot, turned on the GPS to get her to the hotel, and headed down the road, still playing Future. Her hotel happened to be five minutes away from where she had to work so she wouldn’t have to deal with a hectic commute. She had to be to work at 8 in the morning and it was already 8pm. Time was flying and she knew she still wanted to get a work out in before she went to bed. She stepped on the gas a little harder and cranked her cruise control to 80 mph for the thirty minute drive. “We’ll have breakfast starting at 6am until 10am and if you need anything else, feel free to press O on your room phone and I’ll be glad to help you. Have a good night Mrs. Morelez.” “Thank you!” X walked off heading towards the elevators. Once she got to her room, X dropped her bags off, changed clothes, and came back down stairs to the workout room to get an hour worth of cardio. She jumped on the treadmill and focused out the window to the view of the city of Baltimore. She always began with a brisk walk to get her music choice situated. Deciding on “Beyonce’ Radio” on Pandora, she increased her incline to get the hike started. As she ran, he crossed her mind. What if he found her? What if he tried to kill her again? What if this and what if that. Her paranoia increased the more she thought. She snatched off the headphones and laid her phone in the cup holder to continue to let the music play. She hated he still ran through her mind even though she knew she was thousands of miles from him. He still haunted her mind. He had an undeniable hold on her and her thoughts. How could the same man who held her tight every night, be the same man slamming her head against a window two hours before? She began to run harder. Why did he still have this control over her? She kept telling herself he was no good but all she could imagine was the rose petals scattered across the floor spelling out “Marry Me?” She kept telling herself, ‘you know he’s no good for you. You deserve a man that’s so much more. That’s not what love is. He couldn’t get his act together the first time, the second, or the third, and he never will.’ She kept repeating in her head ‘let it go, let it go.’ She thought about how he deserved no power over her thoughts. He had no power over her any longer. She could go as she pleased; she could wear what she wanted, and most of all she felt a sense of peace. She inhaled deeply and exhaled slowly; her peace of mind was worth so much more than having a ring and a husband. I’m me again she thought to herself. She increased her speed a little more. The more she ran the better she felt. The sweat dripping off her face felt like the weight of worry, the weight of incompetence, the weight of loneliness, the weight of abusive; trickling down her body only to evaporate into thin air; made her lighter. Though running stagnant wasn’t getting her actual distance, the more she ran, the farther she got away from him and all the hell he took her though. Every step she took, she demolished the idea that they were a couple. Her feet pounding the vinyl concrete empowered her to stand up and refuse his lashings. She smashed his head against the window as he fell to the ground weakened by her strength. She kicked him in his teeth and watched as his mouth swelled so thickly to suffocate all the times he called her a b***h. She stepped on his beating heart as it rolled off the back of the treadmill. G wasn’t going to control her mind any longer. He didn’t deserve her slightest notion of remorse for her leaving. She continued to feel her feet feeling lighter as she ran off his baggage, of his hold on her, and of his existence. As Maxwell’s ‘Fistfull of Tears’ played, she got lost in the music because she was tired of throwing her tears at him. No matter how many times he hurt her and made her cry, throwing her tears at him never changed his ways and she had to come to terms that it never would. She refused to let one tear fall from her face over him ever again. X sang along with the chorus, “Cause I go insane, crazy sometimes, tryin’ to keep you from losing your mind, open your eyes, see what’s in front of your face and save me my fistful of tears.” She lost the thought of him as the song came to an end. She no longer wanted to throw tears away for him. He was worthless and she loved her sanity way more at this point. She looked down at her watch and realized she had been running for an hour and fifteen minutes. She slowed the treadmill down and briskly walked for 5 minutes to wrap up her exercise. Her hour was up but she had accomplished so much more than burning a couple of calories, she burnt the existence of caring for G. Her sweat drenched her clothes but all she saw was freedom all over her shirt. She stepped off the treadmill and caught her breathe. A weight had been lifted off her shoulders. She paced to her room, but once inside her room, she pulled off the weighted clothes as they slopped on the floor. Her steamy hot shower alleviated all the pain her caused her. She washed off the bruises from her arm, her thighs, and her ankles as they vanished down the drain. She stepped out the shower, grabbing one of the flowery fresh white towels, and wrapped it around her new emerged glowing body. The thick steam covered the mirror. She stood there staring at the figure wondering if she was really there. Had she found herself again? She rubbed her palm and fingers across the reflection of her face and stared. She felt real again; the numbness of her entire life had gone away. As if the fog in her life could so easily be cleared by wiping her hand across the mirror, X had just washed off the pain of a torn, beaten, battered, and abused young woman. She followed her reflection as she exited the bathroom. The clean white bed sat there telling her to come lay with him and start a clean slate. She pulled back the covers and wrapped herself in the new beginnings of her life. Peaceful and content, she closed her eyes and nodded off into a deep sleep. It had been a long time since X slept without sleeping pills. X slept without checking the door to be locked two or three times or staring at the clock as the hours went by. X slept with nothing on her mind but encompassing amity. This night in particular, she slept, X slept without a single hint of fear. Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! X’s alarm sounded off for her to get up. X rolled over, got out the bed, opened the curtains and smiled as she looked across the sea of skyscrapers and sunlight beaming over them all. The glow of the city felt like X had not a care in the world because she was on top of the world. She felt amazingly well rested and at peace with herself. For once she was excited to get up early and go to work. She missed the constant drama of the non-stop pace of the ICU. She danced her way to the bathroom singing, ‘Good Morning, Good Morning, Good Morning to youuuuu!’ She was quite goofy when she was in a good mood. She picked up her phone on the way and turned on Pandora. She needed to get ready for her first day back in the swing of things of her 12 hour day ahead. “Hello, I’m here looking to speak with Mr. Nassua. He told me to come to the 6th floor admin desk and ask for him.” X politely greeted the young woman standing before her. “Okay, not a problem, I’ll page him up here for you. Hang on okay?” “Sure, I’ll be waiting right over here.” About fifteen minutes later, Mr. Nassua called for X’s attention;0 “Ms. Morelez?” “Yes, that would be me!” X replied. “Wonderful, let me introduce who you will be working under for the next two months. Mrs. Taniey? This is Ms. Xiomara Morelez and she’s the one who will be helping out while Jasmine is out. Please introduce her to everyone and get her started. I have to run. We’ve already done all her paperwork last week so let’s hit the ground running. Ms. Morelez, it was my pleasure and hopefully we will get some more time when schedules permit.” “Not a problem, nice meeting you Mr. Nassua, Thank you!” X replied as he hurriedly walked off. Mrs. Tainey was an older woman in her fifties. She was rather short and had a short haircut with tight pin curls on the top. She was a black lady that you knew not to mess with but was sweet as pie. She walked faster than her legs could carry her and spoke with an upstate accent. When she began talking, X noticed she had a gold outline on one of her teeth. To X, that meant that she had her younger days when she was out in the streets, being reckless and young. Mrs. Tainey not only had common sense but street smarts too; she was always witty with her remarks. Mrs. Tainey took X and introduced her to a couple of their co-workers and the couple of Doctors she could catch passing by. Following protocol, she also took X on a couple of patient visit and made sure she was accommodated accordingly to when and where to go in an emergency situation. X learned that Mrs. Tainey was the one lady that had been doing this all her life and had the most experience in order to train someone new. X was starting to realize Mrs. Tainey was the momma of the crew. She went the extra mile to help her patients and their family. She dedicated her life to being a nurse; this was her calling. She kept everybody in line, was a shoulder to cry on, and most of all a knowledgeable nurse. X knew that Mrs. Tainey was someone she was going to learn from and more so become one of her closest friends. “Okay so what I need you to do now is go down to the ER and ask for Jessica B. She will give you the meds that I have to give to her patient because we ran out up here and she changed to ER duty today. You know how to get to the ER from here?” Mrs. Tainey asked X. “Yes, I’m gonna go down here bang a left and then keep straight.” “Exactly. Hurry up X!” X took off down the hall. She was use to the speed of everything from working at previous hospitals but it seemed that the Baltimore Hospital moved at such a faster pace than any other hospital. She flew by others flying by her. She finally arrived at the nurses’ rounder and asked for Jessica B. Jessica B was a beautiful white girl with long flowing blonde hair tied back into a pony tail. She had a slim athletic figure but no ass at all. Her breasts were bulging out of her V-cut top and her voice was annoying and high pitched. X looked her over with her caked up makeup on her face and looked down on her ring finger, ‘Damn even this no ass heffa married. It’s’ just not meant for me!’ she mumbled to herself. Jessica B opened a drawer sitting below her, grabbed two vile, a syringe, and a wrapped needle. Set bagged in a clear bag and put a label with the patient’s name, date of birth, and age on the outside of it. She raised the bag as she smiled at her accomplishment and walked back towards X. “Here, it’s all there! Tell Momma Tainey I said thanks a bunch!” X smiled with a fake smile, “Sure will!” X hurried her way back down the hall to give the meds to Mrs. Tainey. Right as she walked past the ER intake doors they burst open pushing in a man with blood splattered all over his clothes and his body. The first responders pushed the man right into her and started hauling off his vitals. “Thirty-one year old male, car accident, car flipped three times, possible broken arm, has large contusion to his left frontal lobe, vehicle’s front glass shattered to the face, blood pressure eighty over ninety and dropping, cardiac arrest ensuing if we don’t get this man on a monitor immediately…” The EMT reported to X as if she had no other choice. Save this man’s life or die with him. X knew she had no time to say she wasn’t the nurse on call for the ER tonight and that she had to be in the ICU at the current moment. The adrenaline rush pushed X into high gear catching on while everything was moving so quickly. This feeling right here to when someone is in dire need is why she had done this for four years before; everything went into autopilot mode. “Was he responsive on the ride?” X questioned the EMT. “Yes, to light but then halfway through the ride, he blacked out.” “Pulse? Take him to this room right here on the left. We need to get this man an IV and blood immediately!” Another nurse reeled in the bag and viciously slapped the man’s arm to find his vein. She pressed on the vein to see it bulge out and stuck the needle in him. At that moment he grumbled lowly in pain. X grabbed her hand flashlight and began blinking it in his eyes asking for his response, “Sir, I need you to blink twice if you can hear me. Blink twice for me, you are in the Emergency Room after you had a car accident. We need to check to make sure you are responsive, blink for me, okay there you are, you’re okay, you are in good hands, we’re gonna take care of you alright. You’re going to feel another prick from the nurse on your left, we’re giving you a dose of Tikosyn to calm your heart rate down, relax okay. We’re here to get you up and going again.” X checked his pulse and swung the stethoscope from around her neck to check his heart palpitations; everything seemed to becoming normal again. She looked towards the nurse that had just finished giving the man the IV and told her that she needed to go ahead and start a heart monitor on him because they were going to have to take him into surgery in 3-5 minutes to realign the bones in his arm. The nurse followed orders. X began to walk out of the room and call for the Head nurse but as soon as she stepped back Mrs. Lawrence appeared and asked for the update on the patient. X reversed everything that just happened and brought her up to speed. “Well thank you new nurse, you’re quite quick on your feet, I’ll take it from here,” said Mrs. Lawrence. X bowed her head as in gratitude to be relieved from the situation and began walking out of the room towards the ICU. X stopped to inhale and exhale; glancing back at the patient; she felt as though she had just accomplished running a ten-mile race and won first place. She felt good being back in the swing of things. She felt even better knowing that she had gotten to him just in time so he was going to be alright. She looked down at her watch and realized Mrs. Tainey was going to be mad as hell with her for not coming back promptly. “Damnit!” X picked up her pace and hurried to get to her as quick as she could. Soon as she saw Mrs. Tainey, she knew she was about to get her head ripped off and fed to the dogs. Mrs. Tainey stood with her arms folded across her chest, tapping her foot as X calmly walked up to her. “And exactly where has your antennas been Mrs. Hoodini?” “Mrs. Tainey--” X started to explain what happened but Mrs. Tainey cut her off “No, just give me my meds. I’m glad my patient wasn’t near death! Now go on back up there to the ER, they actually might need you with that gentleman if he has a serious concussion. If Mrs. Lawrence ask, tell her I said ‘you’re welcome’…” “But how did you--” Mrs. Tainey cut her off again, “I know everything about everybody. Know that! Now go ahead girl before I actually give you something to stutter about!” X did an about-face turn and headed back towards the ER. She shook her head and laughed. Mrs. Tainey was really going give her a run for her money but X didn’t mind. Mrs. Tainey had her ear to the ground and could teach X a couple of things along the way. X was excited to go back. Being in the ER gave her a high that no drug could ever supply. She craved the feeling of being needed. She smirked and pressed her way back down the hall to the ER. X walked up right to Mrs. Lawrence just as she was finishing up the patients records and paperwork. Before Mrs. Lawrence could question her presence, X put up her hands and said, “Mrs. Tainey said you’re welcome.” Mrs. Lawrence tilted her head back and chuckled, “Alright, well… we got him prepped for surgery; I pretty much have him handled. What you can do for me is walk down to the waiting room. There’s a gentleman here who rode in the ambulance with the patient. Go to him and give him an update. Let him know that the patient will be in surgery for an hour and after he comes out of the recovery room he can come see him.” “Okay, not a problem. What’s the patient’s name?” X replied. “Oliver Whitt” “Okay, be right back.” X directed her steps towards the waiting room. As she walked through the hallways she noticed all the artwork decorating the wall. Everything looked so different. Her view didn’t seem tarnished any longer. Colors appeared to be brighter. The air felt cleaner. She walked past another larger painting that finished off the gallery. X was rather close to the paintings and started to feel the indentions in the paintings, as she looked closer it as tiny pictures of people’s faces. As she slowly backed off the painting the view was becoming clearer. The tiny little pictures were a part of the larger image; it was a heart. She read the plaque below it: “We give our heart to you because you trusted us with yours!” X smiled. She knew giving her heart and putting her life in this career would be rewarding. As she stared at the picture she said to herself, “God, I missed this, thank you Lord! You put me back here for a reason.” A few steps away from the waiting room, X froze in her steps. A gentleman walked out pacing the floor back and forth. The man was 6’11’’ and had the biggest hands X had ever seen. He was rubbing them back and forth and together as though he had a tremendous amount of dirt on them. He looked worried so X didn’t want to intervene with his consciousness. She stepped inside the waiting room and called, “Any guest of Oliver Whitt, guest of Oliver Whitt?” “Yes, here!” a voice from behind her spoke loudly. X turned around and the gentleman pacing outside was answering her call. X looked up as though his height went on for days. He walked right up to her as though he was more worried her coming to give a report than her being there just to give good news. “Hello, Mr. Whitt is doing fine. He had to go into surgery which will take about an hour. He broke his arm in two places and he will have to wear a cast for a while but that’s a given. He is a little scratched up from the glass that burst in his face but other than that you will be able to come see him one his is out of the recovery room.” “Dat es great, “the gentleman replied. His accent was so heavy, she could barely understand what he was saying, but she made out what he meant. She stared at his plump pink lips sliding so easily across his pearly white teeth. He could say she was the ugliest thing he had ever seen in his life and it would sound like gravy on her mash potatoes. As he spoke he licked his lips; giving one of those LL Cool J signature licks; and X was distracted. ‘Is this what Baltimore has to offer?’ She thought to herself. His shirt fitted so securely around his muscles and X couldn’t help admiring his size 11 Versace loafers. This fine ass, tall cup of mocha coffee was a sight for sore eyes on a rainy day. X saw the tremendous amount of concern in his eyes and offered some comfort. X calmly placed her hands around his, “He’s going to be okay, don’t worry okay…” The man shook his head and bowed in gratitude, “I kno, it joost happen so fast…” “That’s how it happens most of the time; we are taking good care of him. Everything is okay.” X patted his hands again looking up into his big brown eyes almost losing her train of thought. “Tank you, tank for being so kind for me.” ‘Paging Nurse Morelez to the ER, paging Nurse Morelez to the ER;’ the intercom in the hospital sounded off. “They’re paging me, I’m sorry to leave so quickly. I’ll be back shortly to get you.” X began to walk off. As she stepped away it crossed her mind what srubs was she wearing. She looked down at her scrubs thinking, the pink stretchy ones! ‘Yes these fit my ass tightly, let me twist a little harder.’ X walked as if she was salsa dancing. She knew her hips were mesmerizing, she had complemented on them numerous times. X wanted to at least look back and smile but she felt his eyes running up and down her body. She couldn’t resist it; she slightly turned around as just as she did, she locked eyes with him and smiled. She turned back to make sure she wasn’t running into anything, hung her head and chuckled, ‘I knew he was looking.’ “Ummm Miss, Excuse me!” X stopped, she recognized the accent; “Yes?” “I don do this often. I think you’re beautiful. It would be my pleasha to take you with dinner if you’re interested. I don want to seem pressuring you.” The biggest smile came across X’s face, she was showing all 32 of her teeth. ‘Pleasure’ she thought, ‘… yea it would be my pleasure little do you know!’ X hung her head and grazed her eyes over his perfect athletic body. ‘Umm, I should be ashamed of what I’m thinking right now.” X glance back up, shaking her head, “Nothing would make me happier…” “My name is King. I seen you don have your phone, would it be a problem to have your number?” “Nice to meet you King? Is that your real name?” He smiled, “Well it’s my nic name, like ‘Jr.’ in the states, I can tell you that story.” “Oh, ok, I’m looking forward to it. My name is Xiomara, everybody call me X though. My number is 254 319 8856. Text me and when I get a chance, I’ll read it and reply. I truly have to run. We’ll catch up soon.” He bowed his head as though she was the Queen of England, “I never want to keep your from you work, please go…” X began her Top Model walk again. She knew not to look back this time. She scanned her I.D badge and let the doors close slowly behind her. She knew he watched her walk off. She felt his eyes admiring her body. She mentally enjoyed it. It was like a high for a woman. No drug could give a woman the same high as the feeling of desire from a man. Her mind wandered back to him. His skin was smooth and silky chocolate like a master chocolatier had made him just for her to lick. He stood over her like a tower looking down upon her with the presence of a lion ready to pounce on its’ prey. All she wanted him to do was pick her up in his muscular arms, spin her around, and kiss her passionately. He made her day; she was going to have him on her mind for the rest of the day.