My heart was in anguish, between beating out of my chest or not beating at all. The impact of his rejection affected the entirety of my being, I felt actual physical pain along with the abolishment he had caused in my mind. It wasn't until now that I realized that I never considered this scenario, my worst fear had been that my mate had a completely contrasting personality to my own, I didn't prepare myself for this, I was vulnerable to its pain.
This couldn't be it, he couldn't just take this from me, not after everything I've been through, didn't I deserve happiness? No, and I didn't deserve him either.
Denial had no use at this point, his actions were a reality, another one I would have to come to terms with. He didn't only leave me mateless, he also left me completely alone as the idea of a mate could no longer keep me company. He was yet another person who didn't want me in his life, who didn't care about me and cursed my existence.
I took another step back involuntarily, my body identifying him as the source of my pain and trying to withdraw from it as it became crippling. He noticed this and grabbed my arm, the shock of his touch easing some of the pain yet at the same time scaring me as I longed for it so badly.
He caressed my cheek lightly, seeming mesmerized by the effect of the matebond, and I lean into him, desperate for any kind of contact. His eyes suddenly meet mine, which causes him to snap out of his trance, his gentle hand suddenly gripping my hair and pulling me closer to him causing me to cry out.
"Don't tell anyone about this, you hear me, wouldn't want anyone to know what a worthless piece of trash I got for a mate"
I tremble as a sob racks through my body, his words cutting deeper into my broken heart and breaking through my confidence. I knew I wasn't the prettiest or the most liked person, but to be called worthless by the person who I am supposed to mean the world to didn't settle well with me. If someone who is made to love me can't bare to look at me, how am I ever supposed to stop being alone?
He lets go of my hair and I immediatly try to fix it a little, reaching for his arm, my mind going through million ways in which I could tell him that I could be better, that I could be whatever he wanted if he just didn't leave me like everyone else has.
He moves his arm away, his stern look causes me to drop my hand and my heart drops along with it.
All the speeches I want to make to him of how much I need him and how I can become what he wants me to be, how I can try to be worthy of being his mate, run through my mind, yet all that comes out is a single: "Please"
I never thought I would stoop so low as to beg, yet my moment of panic had brought me down to the last resort,my last card to play.
His eyes don't give away anything, I can't tell if my pain even faces him. Yet I can tell that it has not changed his mind, he won't take me back.
I drop to my knees and I look down, unable to face him as I weep with the pain of my soul.
I spent the rest of the day avoiding Jake as if he were the plague, completely humilliated with my actions and wanting to take it all back. At the time I hadn't considered how degrading it had been to actually start begging, even if I didn't full on beg I had clear intentions to before I noticed the look in his face.
To make it even worse, my embarassment wasn't the only reason I decided to stay away. Jake had been with Ashley all day long, every time I managed to steal glimpses of him he had her close, kissing her and touching her as if he already had forgotten who the moon goddess had meant for him. The pain of his rejection was fresh enough, but every time I saw this it seemed as it just started anew.
Ashley obviously did not know that Jake had already found his mate, she didn't do guys who already found their mates after losing her own. He died shortly after they met, and I had never seen someone as heartbroken as Ashley had been the day of her mate's funeral. I tried to approach her that day, but I couldn't bring myself to talk to her as I didn't want to look at a dark possibility that could come with meeting my mate, it was selfish of me, I admit, but I only wanted to see the happiness that a mate could bring.
It cost me, as I could have braced myself for the pain.
I arrive home earlier than I normally do, grabbing all of my homework and trying to immerse myself in it, pushing the rejection to the back of my mind as I try to advance in my essay. I know nothing will distract me enough from it but I do my best.
It is only when I am halfway through the third paragraph that I feel the pain in my legs that I know is not from working out. I fall from my chair and get on my hands and knees as I feel my body start shifting, arching my back as I feel as if my bones are breaking through my skin. I look down at my hands and see that claws are extending in them and that fur is sprouting everywhere.
My legs give out and I fall flat on my face as I can hear a definite crack and feel them twisting in position. I've heard that shifting is painful, but I never thought it could be this bad. They also say the pain could kill you without your mate, I wasn't so sure if it would be that bad. My mate was not here for me, no one is.
I feel faint by the end, almost slipping out of consciousness, but I keep my eyes open, wanting to see my wolf before I pass out. I shakily get up in my paws, looking down at myself only to see that my fur is black, so black that it could be mistaken as blue. I look at myself in the mirror and notice that my wolf has my same deep blue eyes, she is beautiful, too bad she is been cursed to coexist with me.
'Don't say that, I am your wolf, Delilah' I jump a little at the voice inside my head, suddenly realizing that my wolf could talk to me, I wasn't alone anymore.
My momentary happiness is interrupted as I feel a pain blossom in my stomach which causes my wolf to whimper. I fall once again as my legs aren't powerful enough to hold my shaking body, I feel myself shift back and I curl up in a ball, the pain sending ripples through my body.
'Mate' my wolf whimpered, and suddenly realization dawned on me. Jake was with another girl, doing things he was only supposed to do with me. But he rejected you, remember?
I am suddenly struck with the reality of what this meant, Jake was free to be with anyone, and I would be forced to feel its pain. Did he know that it would hurt me to be with someone else? He probably did, he just didn't care.
I shut my eyes with force, trying to distract myself, guarding my heart that was already breaking again.
I laid on the ground with the thought of how my life will be now and whether I could take it.