Life
Happiness, what kind of magic talk is that? They say happiness is the best feeling a person could ever feel. It's a feeling you wouldn't want to stop from taking over your soul. They say everyone feels it. Am I still human? Happiness has never stepped into my door. Everyone I know, no matter how hard their lives were, there was really a chance that they were happy. Why don’t I?
I'm not totally broke. I have a family but I can't seem to feel them. I have friends, but I don't have the guts to open up to them. I just don't feel like I belong to anybody. More like I'm living but I'm not alive.
I closed my bag after my last class for that day. In just a few months, I will graduate. I can finally free myself from whatever isolation I'm feeling despite the people that surround me.
Sometimes I think I might be too selfish. That even if they give me attention and support me, I am still asking for too much. But can I blame myself?
I grew up understanding others while no one was there to understand me. I am willing to sacrifice my happiness, but no one was willing to sacrifice for me. So maybe I’m kind of allergic to the word happiness.
But I'm not blaming anyone, I just accept that this is maybe my essence in this world. But even so, I wish all of them to live a happy life even if I am no longer involved. I'm still doing my best to make them realize that maybe they weren't wasting my life. That I could repay all they had given me. Even if they aren't proud anymore, it's okay.
I'm running for latin honors. I aimed for the higher ranks but it didn't work. Maybe that is for me. My mom says she was happy, but I never saw it in her eyes. She probably doesn't have the time to be proud of me.
She works for me and my two siblings. We were kinda wealthy back when my father was still alive. But we went bankrupt when he disappeared. My mom back then was always wasted not going home. I don't know where she goes. I was left under the care of a close neighbor. She just gives me food, but I haven’t had a mother since. And my little brother was taken care of by a distant relative. I didn't know what the deal was between them.
But she also changed when she got married for the second time. Tito Rafael is a good man, he also treats us like real children. But I know that there really is a difference between us and our youngest sister from his blood.
But it's okay, I understand. Because I love him as my mother's wife and as a family, but I can't accept him as a father.
"Blaire, will you come with us tonight? We're going to the movies" said Ava, my friend, who couldn't keep her mouth shut.
"Maybe not tonight. I haven't talked about this with them. Besides, maybe no one will watch over my brother."
She put the rest of her belongings away on his desk before sighing and approaching me.
"Oh my! How long have you been like that? When are you going to think of yourself first?"
I smiled at her, pretending that I wasn't moved at all. "What do you mean? You know that I'm expected at home. Later when we graduate, we'll be drinking all night. I promise!"
She didn't answer and just stared at me before we left the classroom. I thought her litany was over, but it wasn't. She continued until we reached the entrance of the university.
My family doesn't really deprive me of going out and having some fun with my friends and acquaintances, but I just don't want to make them feel like I'm enjoying the life they're giving me so much while they're striving so hard to feed me. Whenever I feel like I'd like to have fun, my mind will always contradict and tell me I don't have the right to do so. So it's simply not anybody's fault but mine.
"When do you plan to have fun? When no one wants to be with you anymore? Do you think you'll be happy? Not everyone will stay in your life for the rest of your life, Blaire. Remember that. People come and go, even I. I'm not sure if I will stay by your side forever. "
She said those lines sincerely before riding a bus to the mall. I was affected but I just shrugged off the thought. I have a lot of things to prioritize. I rode a bus home and just took my notes so I can review for my exams tomorrow. I enjoyed reading my notes when suddenly the bus bumped and my notebook fell. It went to the other side. The man on that side grabbed it for me but his phone fell instead.
He didn't notice it so I grabbed it for him, then there I saw the lockscreen, it was a picture of a family with him as the man, a beautiful woman beside him and a gorgeous baby. They look so happy.
They stand in a grand photobooth of what looks like a wedding or birthday, I can’t pinpoint.
This man's family is very lucky. Even once, I never saw my picture posted or even made as lockscreen by my parents. Even if it's just a picture of them and I'm in a photo bump, it never happened.
I gave the man his cellphone after he gave me my fare.
"Thank you", I told him.
He just smiled and then turned to the other side.
The luck of this man's family. It seems like he really loves his wife and his son. I wonder how it feels to be his child.
Why is it like that? There are parents who love their children so much even when they are not given attention. How about me? I am very willing to give my full attention, but why don't my parents even notice me?
I was in the middle of my thinking when suddenly my cellphone rang.
Mom:
Fetch your brother from school, your uncle and I are busy. Someone has to take care of the office.
Me:
Yes mom
I had already passed my brother's school so I got off and walked back. It is going to be Christmas already, the view of the lanterns in the trees I was walking through are very mesmerizing. There were people laughing, talking, they seemed to have a lot of fun. It's like life is just beautiful. But what we don't know, behind their sweet smiles and the beautiful song of their laughter, they have gone through life that we can't describe.
Well, I guess life really goes that way. People don't want to show people how miserable their lives can be. We never want to let them think pity of us. We always say we're okay, but the truth is, we need someone to talk to, a partner, at least one person who can listen to our wimps.
With all the thoughts I had in mind, I didn't realize that I was already at the crossing. The street is very busy. There are lots of cars in different styles. It's afternoon, the students and employees are going home. I waited for the light to turn green so I could cross.
Jun-jun wasn't outside yet when I crossed over. But one child caught my attention. He was crying, so I approached him.
"Why are you crying?"
"My classmate stole my ball, I got it from my daddy" he said, sobbing.
"Why are you outside? Is your mommy around?"
"My daddy bought something, and he told me to stay here."
He was still crying while answering me. I felt bad, so I approached the boy he pointed to and spoke softly. Fortunately, I got the ball, so I gave it to him.
He thanked me and played the ball. I was about to enter, so I turned to him again to say goodbye. But I didn’t expect him to drop the ball and bounce it off the road.
He followed the ball and my adrenaline controlled my body. The last thing I felt was the bump of the car on my body. I was able to push the kid into the corner but my body felt numb. And in a blurry vision, I saw the guy earlier on the bus. I don’t know if I’m just fantasizing or if this is true. But he looked like an angel. But then I was deafened by a tingling sound and then everything turned black.
