Bianca

               Grief!                Wailing!                Sobbing!      These are the words that could describe that moment in that gloomy atmosphere as the coffin was being lowered into the six feet grave right in front of us. I could not believe this was happening to me. I wished it was a bad dream but it was not. I was so awake and facing the worst nightmare that no one could ever wish for.      "How am I supposed to live without you? You were my everything," mama wept, her black chiffon blouse soaked with both tears and sweat.       A tight hug was all I could offer her as I was out of comforting words. I could feel her shivering like a leaf, her body so weak that she could barely stand. She had been crying uncontrollably for the last four days. Seeing her like this broke my heart into pieces. I could not take it anymore.        My parents had been married for almost 30 years and their love for each other seemed to grow as the years passed by. Papa's unconditional love for mama was so evident. He always prioritized his family and could do anything for us. He lived to make us happy and make sure we lucked absolutely nothing. I could not wait for when i will be a doctor and return the favor. Realizing that papa will not be there to see me as a doctor anguished me.          Everything was perfect until when he was diagnosed with stage four of that merciless  beast called cancer. He laid in bed to ease the pain that was eating him up from the inside everyday while mama nursed him.         "I will be fine my dear, don't worry yourself too much,"he would occasionally say to mama just to give her hope. Mama would node her head forcing a smile on her face though there was part of her that didn't believe papa's words.        Papa was a strong man, he fought the beast with every ounce of strength he had. I was hoping that he will eventually beat it but some things are just destined to be. The doctors even said he lived longer than they expected him to.       I tried so hard to stop my tears from rolling down my cheeks but I was unable to. That was my dad being buried. My hero, my mentor, my stepping stone, my protector, my source of security and hope was no more.          God why? Why did you have to do this? I couldn't stop questioning my creator.        My mind was then drifted to about two weeks ago when papa was laying on his bed as i read him a book. Crossing to safety was the title. He tried so hard to hide the pain he was feeling but i knew him so well to notice it. I stopped reading, looked at him and said      "Papa i should let you rest"       "No, no baby keep going, keep reading till you finish that chapter "he demanded.          "Please just rest papa, i will read the rest of the chapter tomorrow when you feel better," I insisted.          Raising his right hand towards mine and rubbing it softly he hissed, "thank you. Papa loves you so much Bianca. I am so proud of you baby."         "I love you too papa," I said as i left. He hesitated letting my hand go. I wish i stayed. I wish i just stared at him falling asleep. I should not have left.     I was stirred back to reality by a tap on my back. It was Mrs Dhohul our neighbor offering me and mama handkerchiefs to wipe our tears that could not stop flowing.           At this moment I felt like my life was falling apart but i had to be there for mama as I couldn't afford to loose her too. I had to put myself together and provide a shoulder for her to lean on.       "I am here mama," I whined as we both tried not to look at the lump of soil being thrown on my fathers coffin. It was better not to look.      "Bianca! Mama! We have to go get the flowers," I heard Molly say with her voice very weak.       I looked at her and the first thing I saw were her red eyes blinded with tears. She had been through a lot already with her husband divorcing her after she left school just to marry him, the love of her life. Men are really trash! Papa's death almost killed her too.        Molly was now reduced to helping mama in the farm with her two kids who couldn't stop asking why they can't go back to their dad. Those poor innocent young ones.      We placed the flowers right on top of the grave and bid our hero goodbye. It was time to go back home. Life had to go on. Though it will never be the same without papa.        It was two weeks before my big day, my admission to the university of Nairobi(UON). I was now more focused on making  my mama's life worth living. I had to make her proud of me.        "Mama I want you to know that I got you and I am going to do my best in school so that when I become a doctor I will take good care of you like papa did," I assured her.        "I trust you my dear, you are a smart girl, I have no worries," mama mumbled with a brief smile on her face. ********                We spent the next few days trying to adjust to our new normal lives plus making arrangements for uni.