Right Time

CHAPTER 4

NOTE: THE EVENTS IN THIS CHAPTER ARE ALL FICTIONAL AND NOT BASED ON REAL LIFE...

Naging ganoon ang routine namin, laging si Ahren ang nagluluto ng breakfast ko. Hindi ko alam kung nagtatrabaho pa ba siya dahil ang aga niyang pumunta dito sa farm ko. But somehow, I like this kind of feeling. I just really hope that he will never be like him.

"Hey, I'll be away for a week," I told Ahren.

His brow furrowed. "Why?,"

"I need to check my farm in Cagayan,"

"Can I go with you?,"

Kumunot ang noo ko dahil sa naging tanong niya. Sasama siya? May trabaho siya ah.

"You have work, Ahren,"

"Well, I'm in my vacation as of the moment," he licked his lower lip

What? He's away for two years tapos bakasyon niya? Sana all. "Are you sure?,"

"Yes, madame,"

"Okay, then you can go with me," ani ko at dali-dali siyang tumakbo papunta sa sasakyan niya. "Hoy! Saan ka pupunta?,"

"I'm going to pack my things!," sigaw niya at pinaharurot ang sasakyan niya

Napasapo naman ako sa noo ko dahil sa narinig, I guess I need to pack my things, too.

"Saan pupunta 'yon?,"

"Mag-iimpake raw," sagot ko kay Delancy

Nanlaki ang mata niya at tiningnan ako. "Don't tell me kasama mo siyang papunta sa Cagayan,"

I just shrugged and went inside the kubo to get my key. "Talandi ka! Nung una ay ayaw mo siyang kasama tapos ngayon ay isasama mo siya sa Cagayan!,"

Tinawanan ko lang siya at kinuha na rin ang bag ko. "Iba ang nagagawa ng pag-ibig, ate Delancy,"

Tumingin ako kay Luis na ngayon ay nakangisi na sa akin. Pag-ibig? My gosh, what's that? Char.

"Omygod! Don't tell me you like him?!," eksaheradang sabi ni Delancy

"Gaga, hindi ba pwedeng nakikipag-kaibigan lang ako?,"

"Duon rin naman papunta 'yon, ate Xiana,"

"Ay nako! Tigilan niyo ako, tsupi! Kukuha pa ako ng damit ko sa bahay,"

Hindi na nila ako pinigilan at pinag-ingat lang dahil may bagyo raw na padating. Binilisan kong mag-drive para makarating agad ako sa bahay.

"Ivelisse! My love!," I heard my mom shout as soon as I got in the house

"Mom, that's too cringey,"

"Eto naman, minsan na nga lang tayo magkita. What brings you here? Dito ka ba matutulog? Ipagluluto kita," sunod-sunod na tanong niya

I bit my lower lip. "Next next week na lang po, I need to visit my farm in Cagayan,"

Sumimangot naman siya pero ngumiti lang din. "Okay, just take care and bring me some fruits when you comeback," she smiled

This is new, usually kasi ay wala siya dito sa bahay dahil lagi silang nasa ibang bansa ni dad. I wanted to stay here so I can bond with them but I need to visit my farm and I'm glad that mom understands it. Nakapag-impaki na ako ng mga damit ko at bumaba na rin.

Oh, where are you going, my daughter?,"

"I'm going to visit my farm in Cagayan, dad,"

"Okay, just take care, I heard that there's a typhoon and it will hit here in Batangas,"

"I will dad, hindi naman po ako tutuloy kapag malapit na ang bagyo,"

I just kissed his cheeks and went outside of our house so I can drive back to the farm. Baka nga anduon na ulit si Ahren, he seems so excited. And I was right, andito na nga siya.

Lumabas na ako ng kotse ko at ibinaba ang luggage bag ko, I think we'll stay there for about two weeks. "Need help?,"

"Yes, please," inabot ko sa kaniya ang luggage bag ko at kinuha ko naman sa loob ng kotse ang hand bag ko. "We'll stay there for two weeks, is that okay with you?,"

"It is but I heard there's a typhoon-

Natigilan siya dahil biglang kumulog habang ako ay tumili. I am scared of thunder and lightning. "Omygosh!," I shouted when I saw the lightning. "Pumasok na tayo sa loob,"

Dali-dali akong pumasok sa loob ng office kahit mukha na itong bahay. Ipinikit ko ang mga mata ko dahil sunod-sunod ang naririnig kong kulog habang kumikidlat pa. "Uh, the typhoon 'Zeus' will land here soon,"

Tumigil na ang kulog at kidlat kaya naman kinuha ko ang cellphone ko at sinearch ang weather update. Mamayang gabi tatama ang bagyo dito. dapat maging handa kami ni Ahren kaya naman hinanap ko na agad ang first aid kit at nilagay sa lamesa para naka-ready na kung sakali. Tiningnan ko din ang pantry kung may mga ready to cook na pagkain at laking pasasalamat ko dahil may mga canned goods at canton. Hindi ko alam kung nasaan na si Ahren pero bigla kasi siyang nawala kaninang nailapag niya na ang mga gamit namin.

Habang hinahanda ko ang mga pwede naming gamitin ay bumukas ang pintuan at iniluwa nito si Ahren na may bitbit ng paper bags at plastic. "What's that?," I asked

"I bought some foods and lots of water. I also bought a power bank, flashlight and batteries, just in case," aniya at tumango lamang ako. "Kumain na tayo, maya-maya ay nanjan na ang bagyo at baka mawalan pa-

"Ahh!,"

Omygosh! Nawalan na ng koryente! Alam kong iyon ang sasabihin niya. Kinuha ko ang cellphone ko at ini-on ang flashlight para kunin ang rechargeable na LED light saka ko 'yon in-on. "Okay na ba?," tanong ko sa kasama ko at tumango naman siya bago inilabas ang mga pagkain sa paper bag.

Mauubos ba namin ito? O hanggang bukas na 'yan o midnight snacks kung sakaling may magutom sa amin mamayang madaling araw?

Tahimik kaming kumakain ng hapunan habang palakas ng palakas ang pag-buhos ng ulan. Maging ang hangin ay lumalakas na din. Hindi ko alam kung sanay ba 'tong kasama ko sa ganitong kalakas na bagyo. Ito na ang pangalawang beses naming magkasama dahil sa ulan, ang unang beses ay noong umulan din pero ngayon ay dahil sa bagyo. Sa tuwing magkikita ba kami ay uulan o kaya naman ay may bagyo?

Iniligpit namin ang mga pinagkainan namin at saka umupo sa sahig. "Do you have any regrets in life?," he asked

Tiningnan ko siya na ngayon ay nakatingin sa kawalan. Do I have? "I don't know, I can that I am happy in my life now but if ever that I have any regrets in my life, that would be when I let myself fall for someone knowing that I knew from the very first that he only see me as a friend. But I am very thankful that he came into my life because I learned a lot from him," I said meaningfully as I looked into the void. "There's a part when I secretly hate and blamed him for what happen but I realized that it's not his fault because it is mine. I was mad at him because of how he treated me like how he treated the woman he loves. He made me hate all the things that I love,"

He didn't say anything. "Hanggang ngayon ay may kaunting galit pa rin ako sa kaniya pero sa kaniya ko rin natutunan na dapat magpatawad kahit pa gaano kasakit ang naidulot ng isang tao sa'yo. Masaya ako dahil masaya siya, iyon lang ang tanging hiling ko para sakaniya...ang maging masaya kahit hindi ako masaya basta't masaya siya,"

I heard him sigh. "You're so selfless, Ivelisse,"

"What can I do? I'm always like that. Wala akong pakialam kung nasasaktan ako, kung nalulungkot ako dahil ang mas mahalaga sa akin ay nakikita kong masaya ang mga kaibigan ko. Even if he made me hate all the things that I love, I am very very thankful to him because he made me feel what I wanted to feel, the care, the sincerity and more...not from my family or friends but from someone who is not very close to me,"

"Listen, Ivelisse. Sometimes it's not bat to put yourself first especially if you're hurt. Don't let the people around you get used to you always being there for them whenever they need someone to lean on, they can't always run to you when they need someone to lean on. They can't always depend on you, you also have your life," he said. It looks like he's telling me that it's not bad to be selfish especially if you've been selfless. "You need to rest, too,"

No words came out from my mouth. I wanted to say anything but I can't.

"Oras na para piliin mo na ang sarili mo. You're always there for them but are they always there for you when you need someone to lean on?," he asked. "I know Delancy is always there for you but the guy your talking about? It looks like that he already forget about you,"

"Tama lang naman na kalimutan niya ako dahil may girlfriend na siya,"

"Exactly! So it's your time to forget him," he looked at me. "I know it's hard to forget someone but if you'll not help yourself then you will never forget him,"

Mahirap, aamini ko lalo na madami din kaming pinagsamahan pero sa isang iglap ay mawawala 'yon. Naiintindihan ko naman dahil may girlfriend na siya at hindi pwedeng sa akin tatakbo ang oras niya.

"Are you scared of something?,"

Interview ba'to? Kanina niya pa ako tinatanong, ay bahala na nga.

I nodded. "I am scared of the fact that my friends will forget about me once they're all in a relationship. 'Yan ang pinakakinakatakutan ko pagdating sa mga kaibigan ko...ang makalimutan nila ako kapag nahanap na nila ang para sa kanila. Hindi ko naman sila masisisi dahil ganoon naman talaga diba? Hindi lahat ng oras nila ay dapat nasa akin dahil may kanya-kanyang buhay sila but I just wanted that if I want to bond with them, they'll make a time for me. Hindi ako masyadong nag-aaya na makasama sila pero sana kapag nag-aya ako ay gumawa sila ng paraan dahil minsan lang ako mag-aya. I am doing this because we never know when will see each other again. Malay ko ba kung iyon na ang huling pagkikita namin,"

I am really scared of that fact. "We can't do anything about it, but have you tried talking to them about that?,"

I shook my head. "No. Takot ako dahil baka hindi nila maintindihan ang side ko at baka magalit sila sa akin. Sobrang babaw ng dahilan ko, it's not an acceptable reason,"

Totoo naman, it's not an acceptable reason. Sobrang babaw nun, hindi sa lahat ng oras ay dapat silang maglaan ng oras para sa akin.

"I'm always here for you," he whispered. "Now, sleep tight, Ivelisse,"

I went inside my room and sat on the bed. Hindi ko alam ang mararamdaman ko dahil sumabay pa ang panahon. Mas lumakas ang ulan na sinabayan pa ng pagtulo ng mga luha ko. Tinakpan ko ang bibig ko dahil baka marinig ni Ahren ang hikbi ko, ayaw ko siyang maistorbo dahil siya na ang bumili ng mga kailangan namin tapos sasamahan niya pa ako papunta sa Cagayan. Ayaw kong isipin niyang inaabuso ko ang kabaitan niya sa akin.

(playing: Oceans and Engines by NIKI)

Saturday sunset

We're lying on my bed with five hours to go

Fingers entwined and so were our minds

Crying, "I don't want you to go"

I am still crying in the middle of the night, I don't even know if he's still awake.

You wiped away tears

But not fears under the still and clear indigo

You said "Baby, don't cry, we'll be fine

You're the one thing I swear I can't outgrow"

Masaya ako dahil nakilala ko si Ahren, buong akala ko ay hindi na ako magiging masaya pagkatapos ng nangyari pero heto ako ngayon...may taong handang makinig sa hinanakit ko. It's like he was sent from above to make me see that I can go on with a happy heart and stronger personality.

My mother said the younger me was a pretending prodigy

Well, nothing then, much has changed

'Cause while you're wolfing down liquor

My soul, it gets sicker

Ayaw kong sabihin kay Delancy lahat ng hinanakit ko dahil alam kong may pinagdadaanan rin siya kahit hindi niya sabihin sa akin. Hindi ko rin kayang sabihin sa mga magulan ko dahil ayaw kong masaktan sila dahil nasasaktan ang nag-iisang anak nila.

But I'm sticking to the screenplay

Gotta say I'm okay

But answer this, babe

How is it now that, somehow, you're a strangеr?

You were mine just yеsterday

I pray the block in my airway dissipates

And instead deters your airplane's way

All my life, I was waiting for the right love to come. I thought Austin is who I am waiting for but I was wrong. I like him since then and now I admit it to myself that I already like him since then. I know that I am being insensitive in front of Ahren because I am talking about Austin knowing that he likes me.

But heaven denied

Destiny decried

Something beautiful died

Too soon

But I'm letting go

I'm giving up the ghost

But don't get me wrong

I'll always love you

That's why I wrote you this very last song

Noong una ay ayaw kong sumubok ulit magmahal dahil sa nakaraan ko pero magmula nang umamin si Ahren ay naisip ko na hindi masamang sumubok ulit. Susubok ulit ako kahit hindi ako sigurado. Kung hindi pa rin kami ang para sa isa't-isa ay hindi na ulit ako susubok pero magiging masaya ako dahil sinubukan ko ulit kahit hindi naman kami para sa isa't-isa.

I guess this is where we say goodbye

I know I'll be alright

Someday, I'll be fine

But just not tonight, (uu-uuh)

Plunging into all kinds of diversions

Like blush wine and sonorous soirées

But even with gin and surgin' adrenaline

I see you're all that can intoxicate

Oceans and engines

You're skilled at infringin' on great love affairs

Cause now my heart's home

All I've known is long gone and ten thousand miles away

And I'm not okay

But I'm letting go

I'm giving up the ghost

But don't get me wrong

I'll always love you

That's why I wrote you this very last song

Magiging masaya ako dahil kahit sa konting panahon ay naramdaman ko ang pagmamahal na matagal ko nang iniintay na dumating sa buhay ko.

I guess this is where we say goodbye

I know I'll be alright

But just not

Tonight was the first time I stared into seas of beguiling sepia

Two years ago

And the first time I learned real world superpowers

Lived in three words

They revitalize my fraying bones, oh

Now what do you do when your pillar crumbled down

You've lost all solid ground

Both dreams and demons drowned

And this void's all you've found

And doubts light it aglow

I have so many questions

But I'm pouring them into the ocean

And I'm starting up my engine

Austin is a lesson and blessing. Lesson because I learned a lot from him and blessing because he came into my life to teach me a lesson about life. But I still don't know if Ahren is a lesson or blessing, I guess it's both.

Kung ano man ang kahihinatnan naming dalawa ay ayos lang sa akin. I just hope that he get the love that he deserve, the right love. A love that will never give him a reason to overthink nor doubt. Hindi ko masasabing sana ay hindi siya masaktan dahil sa pagmamahal ay kasama na ang masaktan at hindi maiiwasan 'yon. Kapag nagmahal ka asahan mong masasaktan ka dahil hindi lang puro saya at kilig ang pagmamahal. Nandiyan ang pighati.

Learn to forgive and forget. Kung hindi mo pa kaya ang magpatawad ay huwag mong pilitin ang sarili mo at kung hindi mo kayang kalimutan ang sakit ay huwag mo ring piliting makalimutan. May oras ang lahat, hindi minamadali ang pagpapatawad dahil may oras din para duon.

There will always be a right time for everything. Even in healing, there is always a right time but help yourself to heal. Kung hindi mo tutulungan ang sarili mo ay walang mangyayari, huwag kang umasa sa tao na lagi ka niyang matutulungan. Gaya ng sinabi ni Ahren kanina, don't let them get used to you always being there for them whenever they need someone to lean on, they can't always run to you when they need someone to lean on.

And I'm letting go

I'm givin' up your ghost

It's come to a close

I marked the end with this last song I wrote

I'm letting go

This is the last falsetto I'll ever sing to you

My great lost love

I'll admit that it hurts me so much. I was the person who is not afraid to socialize but when people started to judge me, I don't want to socialize to others anymore. It made me think na siguro nga ay ganoon ako kagaya ng iniisip ng ibang tao tungkol sa akin.

'maharot kasi'

'akala mo kinaganda niya yung madami siyang kaibigan na lalaki'

'baka naman kasi lahat ng kaibigan niyang lalaki ay gusto niya, baka ng nilandi niya rin'

Those are the words that keep on running in my mind. I find it unfair, kapag ako ang may mga kaibigan na lalaki ang tingin ng ibang tao ay malandi ako pero kapag ang ibang babae ang madaming kaibigan na lalaki ay sasabihin nilang friendly lalo na kung maganda.

I guess this is how society works in our country. It is full of judgemental people. Maling galaw mo lang ay pag-uusapan ka na. May kasama ka lang na lalaki o kaya'y babae, sasabihin nilang maaga kang mabubuntis o maaga kang makakabuntis. I don't get it. They're so judgemental.

But I am proud to those who are full of love and not hatred. They say that if it fails then it is not love. Maybe what I felt for Austin is just infatuation. An intense but short-lived passion or admiration for someone or something. Or maybe I was just carried away by his treatment towards me. I just hope that I will never do the same mistake I've done before.

Everything has a reason and maybe the reason why this happened to me is because we weren't really meant for each other and the only limit between us is friendship. A friendship that will last forever. . . .and I really hope that our friendship will last.

Everything will happen at the right time and I will always wait for the right love to come. It's not bad to wait, waiting for the right person for you has never been a bad thing. The bad thing is that you don't know how to wait for the right time to come.

I know that this isn't the right time for me and I will always wait for it. And maybe this isn't the right time for me to find that love but I will try again.