Alphas broken mate

Ripping my heart open again by accident

Beast

My heart was beating so fast in my throat that I could not hear anything else other than the unsteady beat of my heart and all I could do was sit there for a moment as my own words echoed in the quiet room around us.

To think these things is one thing, but to say them out loud is different.

I never admitted any of this before, not out loud and especially not to Daniel. Before I left, I did my best to separate my ugly side from him, in hopes that I would not taint his light with the darkness in me. But now it was in the light of day for him to see.

It was hard to tell how he would react to all this, but I mostly expected him to be disgusted that I would think like that... to be angry that I was so hurt by our time together. So I sat there taking deep breaths as if filling my lungs with oxygen would fill the empty darkness in my chest. That it would get filled with air and stop eating away at every little crum of light in me... but I knew that it would never be fulfilled by something as simple as air... no, it was eating away at me instead. I guess my light or the light that I stole from Daniel was much more delicious for him.

"Erin."

I blinked away the tears that managed to escape my eyes as I tried to look at him. For a moment I saw anger in his eyes and the dread of me being right filled me. The dread of the idea of him hating me filled me and all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and cry.

Expecting him to hate me and seeing him hate me for real was a different level of pain and torture.

The angry look in his eyes felt like a kick in the stomach or something much stronger and darker. It felt like a hole the size of a bowling ball opened up in my stomach and started eating away at me like a black hole that swallowed everything in its way.

"Erin..."

This time my name sounded a lot softer on his lips and I knew that there must be pity in his eyes at my strong reaction to his pain. And I could not take the pity look from him or from anyone else for the matter. I had more than my share of those ever since my childhood and every time it left a bitter taste in my mouth that anyone ever looked at me like that.

But Daniel looking at me like that... it would be too much.

So I refused to meet his eyes and ignored the pity in his voice, pretending that it was not there.

But my attempt was short-lived because a moment later I felt his hand on my chin as he lifted my face up to meet his eyes. For a moment I saw the sadness in his eyes that made me release a little pained cry. The pan was there as well, but it was accompanied by something a lot softer. There was softness in his voice, but the pity I was sure to see there was not here and it still made my stomach turn.

"Erin... baby... that is not right. What happened is not your fault... well it is... but..."

He stopped for a moment and stared at me, probably because each of his words drew out pained breath from me. Mostly because each word was like a nail piercing my chest and making me bleed uncontrollably. If I'm honest, even though I expected something like this from him, it still hurts to hear him agree with me, but it was right... he was right. He has more than enough reasons to hate me and blame me for all this.

After a moment of silence, he gently grabbed my chin forcing me to look back at him and meet his eyes. He stopped like that for a moment and stared at me. His eyes were reading away at my face, like always, trying to figure out stuff that I would never say to him or stuff that I myself could not figure out about myself. His eyes were so intensely concentrated on me, so all I wanted to do was hide from him, but there was escaping him. I had no choice but to stay in place, while he was reading every dark crevice of my soul through my eyes. It made me feel completely naked and bear in a way that I had not felt in years, and believe me there was more then one occasion where I thought completely naked in the ring... but the physical nakedness was nothing compared to this. Without any other choice, I kept staring at him until he took another breath and finally spoke again.

"What I want to say is that I never blamed you for leaving. You had your reasons for leaving, and I knew them better than anyone else... Erin I had seen you suffer so much over the years and the only thing that was pushing you through was the duty you felt towards the pack. So I never blamed you for leaving once you were sure that the pack was akin care of."

His words echoed in the room or maybe it was my heart that held onto his words.

"That's not true..."

My words were just a little whisper but they got a full reaction from him and it was annoyance mixed with anger.

"Erin, do not tell me what I felt or did not feel, they were my emotions..."

"No..."

I whispered, stopping him because he did not understand what I meant.

"When I left... or more precisely before, why I did not leave was not only because of the pack."

The next part was going to be hard to say out loud, because even after all these years I still have a hard time sharing my emotions, even with him. So admitting something like this was going to be as painful as embarrassing.

Once I averted my eyes, I took a few deep breaths and forced myself to continue.

"For all these years, sure the pack was what kept me going on some levels. The sense of duty I saw in my parents and what your father thought me... that feeling never went away. But the pack was always just part of the reason why I stayed here for so long. Why I kept going when it was so hard to even wake up in the morning."

The need to say the final part while looking him in the eyes was so strong that I had to force myself to look up because I needed him to understand this fully. Once our eyes met I took a second and continued.

"What kept me going mostly was you. You were the reason why I managed to get out of bed and try... you were the reason why am I still alive... and the last few years before me leaving there were even moments when nothing else other than you mattered. Nothing else was a good enough reason to go on. Not the sense of duty, not the pack itself and my connection to it... no, it was you who mattered the most to me... and... and when I did that..."

My eyes moved to his neck for a moment, as if I was pointing to his neck. Even seeing a glimpse of it, still felt like a punch in the gut. I wanted to stop, but I needed him to understand this.

"But when I almost killed you... when I hurt you so badly... I could no longer live with myself."