Alphas broken mate

Breaking his heart is so hard

Beast

The pain in his eyes will most definitely haunt me, but it has to be done. I know that it hurts him now, but it is nothing in comparison to what would happen if I returned to his life. The sheer damage my existence has already caused him is bad enough, there is no need to destroy him. Maybe after some time he will be able to move on and have a life that he deserves.

So for him... I have to do this for him.

I was ready to do this, but then I heard him say:

"Erin..."

He broke out of the haze of pain he was under with my name on his lips.

Its hard to describe how pained his voice sounded with my name on his lips. The way he said my name always made my heart flutter... and my heart fluttered this time as well, but for different reasons.

The pain in his voice was overwhelming.

My soul ached to make him feel better, even my wolf, who's usually completely silent, now lifted its head with a little cry of pain. Her howl in my chest was an echo of the pain he was in.

"I... I..."

He tried to push out the words out of his mouth, but nothing happened. The words breaking somewhere in his chest, right under my ear. And every time he tried to push those words out, I felt his hands wrap around me tighter and tighter until it was almost impossible for me to breathe, and then he finally managed to say what he needed to say.

At that moment I was completely prepared to hear him say something along the lines of I hate you or that I disgusted him, with the sheer fact that memories of us together, a time that we both should hold as a very special time, that was so special for both of us, I see as a nightmare and not a happy safe space to retrieve into, that I managed to ruin it. To blame me for ruining it... for tainting the memories us like that.

But what I heard was completely different.

"I'm so sorry..."

These three words broke me completely.

To feel him fall apart under me was a new level of torture that broke down the walls of numbness I had built around myself... walls that kept me safe for all these years, keeping the memories of pain at bay... and now they were crumbling down like a freaking card house after a little blow. Even my numb heart, which I was sure could no longer feel any pain, shattered into tiny little pieces. The pain was so thick and heavy that I could no longer even take a normal breath, but I had to push through this and not break... for him... I could do his to save him.

I assured myself over and over again as I tried not to give in to the need to comfort him.

To save him from myself, I forced myself to stay put and completely still as he pulled me in tighter into his chest.

"I'm so sorry..."

He whispered over and over again as he rocked us both gently.

What finally made me crumble was the tears falling from his eyes and landing onto my naked neck.

Daniel rarely cries... hell I'm sure that I have only ever seen his cry of laughter or happiness... but never like this... never from sadness or pain. He used to spend most painful moments in complete silence, working over his emotions by thinking them over and only talking when he was ready... but now... now there were streams of tears rolling down his cheeks.

The pain was affecting his whole body and I felt as he started shaking.

I could no longer ignore my need to comfort him as my wolf pushed to take over control and I felt myself crumble. My hands moved on their own as they wrapped around him. Now I was the one that pulled him closer, forcing both of our bodies to press against each other as tight as possible, to the point where it was hard to tell where I started and he ended.

But even then it took him a few moments to calm down to start breathing again, but the slow tears were still rolling down his cheeks and each one felt like a stab to my chest.

I was sure that I was strong enough to do this...

That I could just break his heart for good, so that I would no longer hurt him, so that he would no longer search for me or even think of me.

Deep inside I knew that it was the right choice, but right now I knew for sure that I could not do it. Even when I knew that my existence hurt him... that I was tainting him with the darkness that resided in me. Seeing him break like this was too much to bear, especially when I knew that I could stop it with just one word... with just one touch.

And so I did it.

I stopped the bottomless pit of pain from swallowing him by offering Daniel myself... my touch and the comfort that came from it. As I did it, I knew that I was dooming myself at the same time, because I would for sure hate myself even more after that, but... but I could not let him be swallowed by this pain.

Gently, he came back to me to the current moment, and he lifted his eyes to meet mine. The immense amounts of guilt were still there, but he had it under control as his tears stopped.

"Erin... I'm so sorry that... that you have to suffer from what happened between us. You have to know that I never meant for any of this to hurt you like it clearly did... I'm so sorry..."

"Why?"

A single word escaped my mouth as I stared at him confused. I could not understand why he was apologizing when I was the one that ruined everything. It was my decision to leave, to separate us, and he was the one to suffer from all this and to now feel guilty.

"Why are you apologizing... it... it was me... it was all my fault..."

My words were nothing more than a whisper, but I was sure that he heard me.

Not because I saw a reaction on his face. No, I could not look at him right now. My eyes were turned away from him as I was staring at our intertwined hands.

I realized that he stopped breathing for a moment only to take a big enough breath when he was finally ready to speak again.

"What do you mean it was your fault? It is not your fault that the memory of us sends you into a panicked frenzy... it's not even your fault that you left that night..."

His words made me feel sick in my stomach.

Does he blame himself for me leaving?

Did he blame himself this whole time?

I felt my heart beat pick up, and I pulled myself away from him. My temper and control finally slipping away.

"Then who is to blame for all this? You?... I was the one that hurt you and then left you, not the other way around. It was my freaking decision to leave back then, and I would have done it the same way. So do not dare blame your sold for any of this. I am and always was the only one to blame for this... and the reasons why I get flashbacks to those moments are not that I hate these moments... well maybe I do a bit, but it has to do with the fact that I miss them... that they were so good that I do not feel worthy of them... and they remind me of what could have been my reality if I was not this freaking mess..."