Alphas broken mate

Shadows of the past hurts a lot

Beast

Continuing of the memory from the past

His hands were tight around me, and it felt like they were the only thing that was holding me in place. Stopping me from falling apart into a million pieces.

Pieces that only Daniel could ever pick up, and it felt kinda reassuring to know that he would do it. He would do it in a heartbeat, even if my shattered pieces would cut his hands as he was picking them up.

Deep inside I knew that this was not right... that his dedication to save me was no good for him and that one day by doing that he would hurt himself... that one day I would ruin him... and... and I was sure that I would not be able to live with myself if that happened.

"It's okay, you can tell me when you are ready."

His lips were gentle against my cheeks as he kissed away the last traces of my tears from my cheeks and pulled me down to bed. With my face still pressed into his chest, I felt him gently stroke my back, pushing my body into a deep slumber.

All the rage and emotional explosion exhausted me to the point where I passed out.

After what felt like just a moment, but probably an hour or more, I woke up. My eyes slowly adjusted to the artificial light in the room that came from a lap that I recognized from Daniel's room because the one in my room was shattered to pieces against that wall...

Or was shattered to pieces, but there was not even a trace of it.

Actually, everything was gone. You would not think that anything has happened in this room, except it looks quite empty right now.

Slowly I sat up, my head pounding with a migraine that always came after exhausting myself in this way.

My eyes landed on a glass of water on the bedside table. It reminded me of the dryness in my mouth. Instinctively I reached out for it as well as the little note with my name next to it. From the neat cursive, I knew that it was Daniel, not that anyone else would ever leave me a note like that.

I took a tiny sip from the glass as I slowly read through the note.

I cleaned up the room, so you would not have to worry about it and could rest.

Don't worry about the stuff that is broken. I have already talked to Dad, and we can go to the shops on the weekend, whatever you want, his treat.

Now rest my love, I will see you tomorrow.

Yours D.

P.S. Drink the whole glass before going back to sleep.

Instinctively, I lifted the glass to my lips and took a small sip.

A small sight escaped my chest I read through the note again. I could already hear the conversation they had. It most definitely was not nice and peaceful. The fact that his father was paying for everything... meant that Daniel had shouted and fought him like he always did. Knowing him, he probably made the older man feel guilty about what he said, and the older man probably gave n just to please his son.

Daniel's relationship with his father was good, even great... well until it came to me.

They had very different opinions as to what my place was in the pack and what should be expected from me.

I did not really have an opinion on this matter. That is why Daniel fought so hard for me... it was because I did not fight for myself. All I wanted to do was to be good enough and please everyone... to be worthy of my parents and the pack. So I did everything I could and it did not matter how much it caused me, I had to do my best.

Feeling even more exhausted from the emotional turmoil, I traced the letters on the little note one last time and placed the note on the table, reminding myself to put it away alongside the rest of the notes Daniel had ever left me and took the last sip from the glass.

As fast as the memory started it ended.

It left me breathing so hard and I was moments away from throwing up. I forgot how much remembering stuff affected me. Over the years, I perfected the art of not letting myself slip into the memories, so I no longer needed to live through this on a daily basis.

Breathing heavily through the mouth I tried to steady myself, I noticed that Daniel's hands were a bit loose and I was no longer pressed into his chest. After blinking away the remanence of my tears I looked up at him and saw the concerned look on his face.

"Did you... you had not had a slip like that in a very long time. I was sure that you no longer got the flashbacks from that night."

I could not stop myself from laughing.

If I'm honest, I was no longer sure if I preferred this as my nightmare of the night my family was slaughtered or the memories of the years of Daniel.

In general, I guess I hated remembering everything... but the memories of Daniel were so much rawer, and they hurt so much more and the pain was different.

Our eyes met, and I saw how concerned he looked, so I shook my head and said.

"It was not that night that I remember."

Confusion filled his face as he heard me say that.

"What? What do you mean? What did you have a flashback to? The cage?"

Another chuckle escaped my chest. I did not want to tell him that if this was indeed the memory of the cage, I would have welcomed it with open hands. Hell, I would maybe even get the numbness of adrenaline from it.

"Then... then what? Did something else happen?"

I stared at him, not sure what to say or if I should say anything at all. Telling him that memories of him were hurting me like that... it would hurt him and I had hurt him enough for one lifetime if not two.

So I lay there in his arms contemplating all the different lies when he asked me again, this time with a lot more intent in his voice.

"Erin, tell me now."

And before I could stop myself, the words slipped out of my mouth.

"It's was a memory of us, together... I remember how you calmed me down after one of my rage attacks in this very room. I remember how you held me till I stopped shaking... how you fixed everything before leaving me for the night. Is that what you wanted to hear? That I had the same flashback effect to memories of us as the night when my whole family was slaughtered. Wha what you wanted to hear?"

My voice was raw and shaky. I almost started coughing because talking so much was ripping away at my throat especially after not using my voice for years. But it was not the pain that stopped me from continuing, even when I still had no idea what I was saying or why I was saying all of this.

No, what made me stop was that completely broken look on his face and at that moment my self-hatred probably reached a new high.

A part of me wanted to pull him close, to soothe him and apologize, saying that did not mean any of it, but I stopped myself. It will be easier like that. I had to break his heart and dreams as fast and painlessly as possible. I had already hurt him too much.