Alphas broken mate

Some mistakes are harder to fix then other

Daniel

Erin was still shaking and refusing to look at me, even after hours had passed since I found her trying to rip Tims' throat out.

At that moment, I got overwhelmed with so many contradicting instincts and emotions.

A part of me... probably the smallest part was concerned about Tim. It was probably the alpha in me that was concerned about his pack members and the initial instinct to protect him was there, but it was nothing compared to the instinct to protect Erin. It was so much stronger that I barely noticed and all I could think about was Erin and how she was feeling.

Fear and bone-deep coldness were radiating from her. I was hit by her emotions the moment I got close enough to them and I realized that there was only one thought in her mind, and it was to kill. The only thought or instinct I could detect was kill or be killed.

There was no question whether she would kill him.

She most definitely would do it without blinking an eye.

And I knew that if I did not step in she would take Tims' life without a second glance, and it would ruin her.

This was not the fighting ring she used to fight in and Tim was not just another nameless faceless victim that was thrown in front of her.

This was Tim, a boy from her pack, a person she knew from before she left... a boy that was a part of her past life... a boy that she would regret killing the next moment of clarity.

I was sure that if she did do it... it would be the last step to pushing her over the edge and I would not be able to pull her back from that. She would be gone, not able to deal with the thing she had done.

When I called out her name and that moment of clarity came, her whole body language changed instantly.

In a second, she realized what had happened and released him.

My stomach still turned thinking about what happened.

There is no way that I would forget about that guilt and self-disgust that radiated from her. I could still feel the bitter taste of it in my mouth... well that is probably because that feeling was still there, those thoughts and feelings were still occupying her brain.

When I first realized that I had to bring her back, there was no doubt in my mind that I would mess up at one point or another... but what happened today... it was more than just a mess. Not only did I put someone else in the way of danger, but I almost pushed Erin past the breaking point of no return.

Right now I realize that my original plan may not be as good as I thought it to be.

There is so much gray area and there is much space for messing up... I just can't... I need to make a better plan, and it is clear that pushing her into the pack and hoping for the best is not the right way to go. It will only cause extra stress and the goddess only knows how Erin and her wolf will react.

Okay, no, that is not true.

Today was a clear example of what will happen when Erin is pushed past her limit.

Frustrated with myself and the whole situation, I had no idea what to do now.

A part of me wanted to go to Erin, but she is not really letting me get close to her, and I am so scared of pushing her too far again and getting into a similar situation again. Right now I had no idea what to do or how to approach it. I stared at her for a few moments and felt the frustration in me rise to the next level as I walked out of the room. I felt the hopelessness of the situation starting to eat away at me and my self-control.

I needed a moment to figure out what my next step should be... I need a moment to breathe.

One step after another, I walked out of the house.

I did not look back or try to sense Erin as I walked out of the house... right now that would be too much.

My mind was numb and too busy replaying all the decisions I made that led me to this... to almost losing her again. The realization that this time I was the one to blame for it made me feel sick in my stomach.

The truth was that I no longer knew what to do or what was the next right step. I no longer believed in my original plan, there was so much at stake here, and I had already come too close to almost ruining it.

SHIT.

Frustrated with myself, I wandered out of the house in a direction unknown to me and somehow ended up in the cemetery.

Well, I guess it is no surprise why I ended up here.

Every time I was in a situation similar to this, I would go to my parents for advice... but that was not an option, so I did the next best thing.

Slowly, I walked to their grave and sank to the ground next to it.

Sure, they were not my real parents. They took me in when I was just a baby and raised me as their own. Everyone in the pack knew that I was not their child, but no one ever dared to treat me differently than if I were their child, because in all ways that counted, I was their child. And if anyone ever questioned my legitimacy and being part of the pack, both my mother and father made sure that everyone would understand that in their eyes I was their child and if anyone had a problem with that, they were more than happy to fight them about it.

Over the years, I have known only two times when they did really fight someone in the pack about it, and they won both times.

Sadness and longing filled my heart as my fingers gently traced their tombstones.

They had been gone for almost a year, but I still miss them so much.

"Why did you leave me with this task? Why did you have to make me promise to bring her back as soon as you are gone? We all knew that she was never really happy here... but I am pretty sure she was not really happy there either... I don't think any place would make her happy at this point... too many bad things have happened to make that possible."

My voice was nothing more than a whisper.

"You should see her now, she has changed so much, and I am not sure anymore if I can fully bring her back... make her become who she was before... the Erin we knew is gone and there is no way to bring back the dead..."

With a sigh, I turned to look around as I realized that what I was saying was true.

Sure, there are parts of the old Erin there, but the pack leader that my father trained her to be was gone. The way she cowered in front of the crowd... there was not even a trace of the proud alpha daughter there, just a scared little creature that would attack if approached.

There is no way that I can force her back into the role of leader, no matter what I do.

As that realization settled in, my father's words echoed in my head.

"You have to bring her home son... promise that you will bring her home."

Wait... he said to bring her home, not that she would take the leading role back.

I felt sick in my stomach as I realized what I had to do.

There was no need to convert her back to the person she was... all I need is her next to me to look like a reliable, secure leader... so all I need is for her to be arm candy... to look the part... that's all.

A part of me realized that it must have been my fathers plan all along... probably from the time he took her under his wing...

He always wanted me to be the alpha and take care of everything, not her...

It made me feel sick to my stomach...