13th REAPER

-- “What do you really want snow?” I heard my aunt, Mia, said while looking at me and my report card. She’s standing tall in front of me and I’m just here, seating on one of the kitchen’s chair looking at my feet like it’s the best thing in the world. Oh! My shoes are dirty. I should clean it up. But, it looks old. Should I buy a new pair of shoes? But I don’t have the money to buy one. Maybe I should take the offer of Mrs. Beker and babysit (or dogsit because it’s a dog but dogsit is not a word so let’s just be contented with babysit) her new corgi dog for a change. I’m getting bored after all. “Snow!” she said again. Right! She’s asking me what I really want. I pause for a while then I ask myself, what do really I want? A smile touched my lips and I whispered the word: Nothing. I never want anything. I never dreamed about anything at all. I’m better than dead. It feels like I’m numb and I can’t even let my heart feel anything especially about Happiness and passion. These two words suddenly became a stranger to me, not wanting to hold it nor place it inside me again. I’m eighteen and teens at my age are probably dreaming about going to some exclusive universities, date some hot guy they met just a few blocks away, slumber parties, sneaking at night, hooking up and more. Because just like what they always say, you only live once and you should make the most out of it. But, I’m not like that. I don’t desire anything. I just want to be in my little room with my earplugs and of course my music. Music is actually my bff! Or like my boyfriend because I’ve been dating music since junior highschool. If I could just shut myself to this world just even for a second, I would gladly do. But it’s not like that. Not now not ever. This world requires me to want something; to earn something. Like what my Aunt was telling me. I should want a grade of ninety like my cousins have. I should want something but the sad story is, I don’t have that something. And never will. “Snow!” Napapitlag ako at saka yumuko. Yeah. This is what Serene Snow. Just like her name, she’s cold. Naramdaman ko ang bigla niyang pagsampal sa’kin dahilan para mapakuyom ako ng kamao. It hurts! It hurts a lot! “You never learn! Wala kang kwenta! Ni minsan hindi kita siningil sa pagpapa-aral ko sa’yo pero ni-utang na loob wala ka! You can’t even get a ninety grade! Ba’t nakokontento ka lang sa eighty huh!” I didn’t say anything. Dahil pagnagsalita ako panigurado sa labas ulit ako matutulog. Napasulyap ako sa aking kaliwa nang marinig ko ang dalawa kong pinsan na babae. They are laughing while looking at me. Ipinakita pa nila ang report card nila na puro ninety ang laman. Oh why would I care about ninety? The hell! It’s just a freaking number, I want to say it but I held my mouth from speaking. I should not talk back. That’s my aunt’s rule. In this house she’s the rule. “Kung hindi lang kita pamangkin matagal na kitang ginawang aso sa labas! Walang kwenta!” she said as she throws my report card at my face. It doesn’t hurt…. Well physically speaking. But emotionally? Mentally? That’s another thing we should talk about and I’m not opening myself to anyone so yeah. It doesn’t hurt. It doesn’t hurt at all. I smirked. You’re such liar, Serene Snow. Pinulot ko ang report card na nasa sahig. Lukot-lukot na ito at may punit. Panigurado tatanungin na naman ako nito. But who the hell cares? I’m not. “Snow! Why so dumb cousin?” “You never really learn, Snow. Why so pathetic!” I heard Liana and Ana said while looking at me. I throw my gaze at the both of them. Liana has this big swollen lip and big eyes. She also has very long eyelashes which is in fact not natural because she just went to the derma clinic last year. While Ana, she looks like Liana the only difference they have is Ana having a mole in her right cheek and she’s fat. Well, a little bit fat compared to Liana. I smirked. “Ninety? Those are just numbers.” I said to them and made my way to my room at the second floor. Tinignan ko ang kwarto ko. A single bed, a desk with books and crumpled papers besides my window, and of course a closet. Now, this is what my room looks like. Nothing to bragged about though I can say that it’s a bit gloomy, not that I cared about it. Tinapon ko ang bag ko sa sahig at walang pag-aalinlangan na ibinagsak ang sarili ko sa higaan. Huminga ako ng malalim at saka tinignan ang kalendaryo na nasa lamesa ko. I see Christmas is coming. I closed my eyes. Instantly, the darkness greets me Suddenly thousands of memories came flooding into me like a storm; swaying my feet of the ground. “Ma!” The little me cried. “Will I die mommy? It hurts so much?” I remember saying it to my mom when I pricked myself with a needle. I remember her warm and calm face as she held my right hand a wipe the blood on my fingers. “No dear, you’ll just have to learn what pain feels like so that you can be brave and continue all your fights.” When I was a kid I don’t really understand all of it. All I can conclude was: yes, I will be okay. I will be fine. But later on I realize that no, I’m not. I will never be fine. This world has taken that little me away. This world robbed my innocence and smiles. This world replaced everything that I treasured with tears and blood. Mom always told me to be brave and face the pain but she didn’t warn me how much pain it would cost me to watch her lifeless inside a coffin. She never warned me about the fear of losing. She never warned me what life I will have once I lost her. “M-Ma-Ma-M-Mama!” I remember my little self said as she put both of her hands on my mother’s cheeks and smiled sweetly. Wow, how did I lose that kind of smile? How did I lose the innocence that I have once? How did I end up like this? “Very good. If your heart desires for it my dear, I’m sure the heavens will move upon your request. You just have to believe and try a little harder.” She said as she raised me up to the sky. I stretched my hands out as if I’m flying; feeling the wind on my face and having the sun warmed up my skin. Ah. I remember those days were it was all pure bliss. Surely, time is a thief. This world is a thief. All the things I treasured the most are now gone. Now, this world wants me to want something? Again? Why? Para ba may makuha na naman sa’kin? Para ba may mawala na naman sa’kin? No! Chain your heart up, Serene. Don’t please! I hugged my pillow and buried the memories in the back of my brain. I let sleep consumed me. Hahayaan nalang na ang lahat ay kusang dumaan. Hahayaan nalang ang oras na dumaan at burahin ang mga alaala na sana hindi nalang muli nakita. -- “Snow! Gising na! umaga na at may pasok ka pa pesteng bata ‘to hindi man lang nag-luto ng umagahan! Wala ka talagang kwenta!” narinig kong sabi ni tita habang binabalibag n’ya ang pintuan ko. Kinuha ko ang unan at tinkpan ang mukha. Right. School. Damn such pain in the ass. Why do I have to go? Agad akong tumayo at saka tumungo sa C.R para maligo at magpalit. Nagsuot lamang ako ng isang itim na t-shirt at itim na jeans. Hinayaan kong nakalugay ang buhok ko. Hinblot ko ang bag ko at saka deretsyong bumaba sa hagdana. Naabutan ko sila tita kasama ang kanyang dalawang anak na si Ana at Liana na kumakain. Nakita kong tumingin sa’kin si Liana at aka ngumisi. “Wala kang karapatan na sumabay. Just go dear cousin, you don’t have any business her.” I swear I really want to wipe of that f*****g smirked in her lips but as long as I’m here my hands are tied and I can’ do anything about this treatment. Hindi nalang ako umimik at saka dumeretsyo na sa school. Wala na akong pera. I need to find a part time job. I need a decent one at yung maganda ang kita. I need to earn para maka-alis na ako sa poder nila tita. I need to be independent. Funny to think na ngayon ko lang ito naisip. That I actually endured years of pain in this house. Huminga ako ng malalim at saka napatingala sa kalangitan. I felt the wind into my face. The cold breeze of the wind touched my heart as if it was blowing inside of me. I looked at the blue sky and the warm sun. Kahit pala hindi maganda ang nararamdaman mo things would always stay as it is. Wala ka ng mababago pa doon. Ngumisi nalang ako at sinimulan kong maglakad papuntang university. I need to be early in my class. Kailangan ko raw mag-aral ng mabuti sabi ni tita. Oh well, not for myself but for her benefits. Agad kong inilabas ang cellphone ko. I put my headphones in my ears. I started walking as the song reached through my ear. I smiled. Music is the best in this world. PAGKARATING ko sa university, as usual I can feel the students’ piercing gaze. Right talk about equality and human rights. For me school is jungle. A place where predators and prey interact. Pagdating ko sa classroom ay agad akong umupo sa pinakadulo. The place I usually take whenever I’m in this school. Ramdam na ramdam ko parin ang mga tingin ng mga tao sa paligid ko. I’m actually used to this. Palagi akong tinitignan dahil sa mga walang kwentang chismis na kinakalat ng mga pinsan ko tungkol sa’kin. They can’t seem to like the idea that I’m studying with the at the same universities. Ako rin naman kung bibigyaan ako ng pagpipiliinan, I would rather spend my time alone in my room or someplace where they can’t reach me but it’s not like I’m free to begin with. Narinig ko ang bell hudyat na time na. Pumasok ang mga ka-klase ko at saka umupo sa kani-kanilang upuan. My headphones are still in my ears. Naka-full volume ito. I prefer music loud and clear than those solemn one. Maybe because loud music reflects what is inside me. Loud and unclear. Heard but can’t understand. Pumasok si Ma’am kasama ang isang lalaki. Kahit naka-headphones ako napansin ko ang pagtahimik ng buong klase. He roams his eyes through this whole classroom and I don’t know why but I felt a cold air pass through me sending chills down on my spine. Dammit! Everyone’s attention was effortlessly into him. Hindi na niya kailangan magsalita para mapansin. Just by standing there he can easily catch any attention he wants. Even mine. Hindi ako madaling makapansin ng mga tao. I have my own simple world bubble inside of me at ni minsan ay hindi ito nabasag but him? Just him merely walking through that door and I can say that he really has this aura. Tinignan ko ng mabuti ang lalaking kasama ni ma’am. He’s tall. Approximately he’s six feet tall. He has those deep and piercing blue eyes. Tila matutunaw ka pag tumitig ka sa mga mata nito. He has perfect nose and a firm jawline. Nakangisi ito at tila ba alam lahat ng bagay sa mundo. “Please, tell them your name.” Our teacher said to him. Inikot niya ulit ang tingin niya hanggang sa mahanap niya ang mga titig ko. He did not smirk nor smile. I looked at him. Slowly, I saw his lips move. “Archelaus” he said as his gaze were still on mine. “Archelaus Van Scott.” -- Author’s note: Please vote or comment if you like the chapter, thank you!