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2 | His Gaze

Chapter two: His Gaze

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Does he know that he’s looking at me? I want to ask him to ask that question but asking means I have to get close to him and talk which is of course impossible feat for me. Kaya naman hindi ko nalang siya pinansin at saka tumingin sa bintana.

windows these days are the best.

I heard the murmurs of every female student here in the classroom. I want to scoff actually; they seem to be head over the heals with that guy. What’s his name again? Right! It starts with A. Ark? No! his name was long. Arciiiii? Nope! What is it? OH? A. A. A. his name starts with letter A. The first letter in the alphabet. Oh! Right! His name was: Archelaus. Talk about a historical name. anong taon nga ba siya pinanganak?

Nakita ko siyang naghanap ng upuan. He sits a few chairs away from me. hindi ko nalang siya pinansin at tumingin ako sa labas ng bintana. Rinig na rinig ko pa rin ang music sa headphones ko nang biglang may humablot dito.

I swift my gaze to that person ready to shout whatever curses I have in mind when I saw it was our teacher. Bigla kong nakain lahat ng salita na lalabas sana sa bibig ko. Right! Another rule, don’t mess with a fifty-year-old single teacher.

She was glaring at me as if I did a bad thing. Wala naman akong ginawa, well, kung masama na ba ang pakikinig ng music sa loob ng classroom. She’s not even discussing yet. She doesn’t even discuss at all. She’s just reading the book aloud.

“Ms. Pascua wala ka bang respeto?” naiinis na tanong niya. Hindi ako nagsalita. This is what I’m always good at, staying silent for a long period of time.

Nang makita niya na wala akong interes na sumagot sa tanong niya ay tinignan lang niya ako ng masama at saka bumalik na sa harapan. Geez! What’s with adults these days?

Ibinalik ko ulit ang headphones sa tenga ko. Though I made it looked like it was not there kasi malamang pagnakita na naman niya panigurado deretsyo na ako sa ADSAS. Magkakaroon na naman ako ng bagong record and my aunt will not like it. Mamaya patulugin na naman ako sa labas. The thing about my aunt is, she always minds her status. Gusto niya palagi siyang nasa taas. Palagi siyang tinitingala. That’s why she let me have a proper education.

She wants other people to see how good she is. She wants others to see that she’s capable of anything. That she has money.

Nagsimulang mag-discuss si Ma’am Aneta sa harapan. I took my textbook out of my bag and I pretend that I’m listening to her. Half an hour later I suddenly felt a cold air pass through me sending chills down to my spine and through my whole body.

Napalunok ako at sinimulan akong kabahan. Why am I feeling like this? Biglang nanginig ang mga daliri ko at pati tuhod ko. This feeling is new to me. I’ve never felt this feeling before. This feeling as if someone was taking away your life force. That someone was taking away something from you.

I roam my eyes inside the room only to find that Archelaus Van Scott is looking at me intently! The f**k! Why is he looking at me?

I gulped. His gaze, his gaze was different from us.

His gaze can’t be describe as serious, mysterious, playful or any adjective that we can think of. His gaze was full of…. I don’t know death? Full of dark things I can’t even name and I don’t have any clue about any of it.

I tried to shrug the feeling of but I can’t. I tried focusing myself on the lyrics and the melody of the song in my ears but I can’t. Just like what happened earlier he effortlessly captured again my attention the difference this time is he’s making my body, my heart, my knees, my lips trembles by his gaze.

He’s making me weak.

For the pass two hours I tried, please note the word tried, my best to ignore his presence. To ignore my body trembling before his gaze but the f*****g hell with my body I can’t. He completely takes over me as if I’m nothing. As if I don’t have the power to let my body listen to me. As if I’m separated with my body.

Hindi ko na alam ang nangyayari sa katawan ko. The hell with him? He’s just a transferee but why am I like this?

I heard the bell ringing. Agad akong tumayo pero bigla akong nanghina kaya naman napasandal ako sa pader malapit sa’kin. Damn that Archelaus for making me feel this way. Ano bang meron sa titig niya at nanghihina ako ng ganito?

Huming ako nang malalim at minasahe ang tuhod ko and suddenly! Again! I felt that cold air passes through me.

Bigla akong napalingon only to find him, Archelaus Van Scott standing beside my table. I clenched my fist. I glared at him.

“What the f**k is your problem?” I spat. Narinig ko ang pagsinghap ng mga ka-klase ko but the f*****g I care! How dare he make me feel this way? How dare he make me feel so weak like this? How dare he!

I saw his lips formed a smirked as if he’s liking that I’m like this: Vulnerable and weak. Napakuyom ako ng kamao. He’s getting on my nerves.

“Serene, that’s your name right?” he said, smoothly. Tila hindi pa ako nakarinig ng taong bumangit ng pangalan ko ng ganito kaganda. It was like as if he’s humming a song and my name was on the lyrics. That my name was made for him to utter. For him to speak. Like my name was made for him to be his.

Gulat akong napatingin sa kanya. He’s not ordinary. Nope! I’m sure of it.

Huminga ako ng malalim. “What do you want?” I asked.

Umiling siya. “Nothing, I just want to tell your name. your precious name.” he said and just like that he left me. My knees are already trembling and my heart is beating so fast I can’t even breath.

Sumisikip ang dibdib ko kaya naman napahawak ako doon. I tried massaging it and luckily it works.

What’s with him that he’s making me feel as if I became weak when he’s with me? Huminga ako ng malalim. No, Serene compose yourself. This is not like you.

You can’t let him take over what’s rightfully yours right? fight it!

Nang masiguro ko na na maayos na ang aking mga tuhod ay nagsimula akong maglakad papuntang roof top ng school. This place is prohibited but there’s no rules that will hinder myself.

Maybe that’s the only thing I have in common with the rest of the teens at my age; Breaking rules and being bad.

Ibinagsak ko ang bag ko sa sahig at saka pasalampak na umupo sa sahig. Napatingin ako sa langit. The clouds are blocking the sun giving shades to that harmful sun rays. Malakas din ang simoy ng hangin. I can see the tip of the trees in my view and the butterflies and insects circling around those trees. This is a perfect weather, but my mood was ruined because of him. What’s his problem by the way?

“Archelaus Van Scott.” I whispered his name. I felt the wind blew a lot stronger than before taking my hair to its rhythm. Napahawak naman ako sa buhok ko para hindi ito tangayin at gumulo.

Huminga ako ng malalim.

Is he starting a war? With me?

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Naalimpungatan ako sa tunog ng bell. Unti-unting bumukas ang aking mga mata. The blue skies were now painted with orange and red. The half of the sun is now at the back of the mountains and I can see the moon.

Right! I fell asleep again. Huminga ako ng malalim at saka tumayo na para makauwi. I missed half of my subjects this day but I don’t care. Kahit hindi ka naman mag-aral sa university na ‘to makakapasa ka.

Pagkababa ko sa roof top agad akong dumaan sa hallway. I can see group of friends flocking everywhere. There are some students—couples, actually that are making out inside the classrooms. Some are just like me, alone and wandering of making its way out of this place. But, there was one particular person whom I saw despite of this crowd.

Archelaus. He’s leaning on the lockers, surrounded by the varsity team of the university. There were some girls also but I know he’s not listening to whatever they were talking about. His eyes slowly landed on mine. His lips formed again a smirked and again I felt it.

The same sensation I felt earlier in class. Agad akong sumandal sa pader at huminga ng malalim. Ipinikit ko ang aking mga mata at sinuntok ang pader. I need to get away from him! I need to f*****g stay away from him!

Archelaus Van Scott is not good for me.

“Okay ka lang?” may narinig akong nagsalita sa gilid ko. Iminulat ko ang aking mga mata.

“Eric,” I said. Ngumiti siya sa’kin at inilahad ang kamay niya.

“Buti naman naalala mo pa ako.” Hindi ako nagsalita. Instead I look at him. Eric has this chinito eyes and chubby cheeks. His body was not that fit but I can say that he’s not also fat. Average, that’s the perfect word to describe his body. I saw him smile and I caught a glimpse of his braces. He’s wearing a polo shirt and pants. He’s wearing his favorite shoes which is his black vans shoes. His back pack was hanging on his left shoulder as he held out his hands for me to take.

But instead of taking it I gather all my strength and stand straight. “I’m okay, thank you for your concern.” I said as I walk pass through him.

Hindi na ako tumingin ulit kay Archelaus. Hindi ko na dapat siya tinignan. I should have not and never will. I need to stay away.

I don’t know why, I just felt that I should.

I should stay away from him.

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Pagkauwi ko sa bahay nila tita ang agad na sumalubong sa’kin ay isang gabundok na hugasin at labahin. Napakuyom ako ng kamao. Kalalaba ko lang kahapon a? ganito agad? At ang mga pingan na nasa lababo mukhang ginamit pa kagabi at hindi manlang hinugasan. Hinayaan ito doon na naka tambay.

Huminga ako ng malalim. I need to calm myself. I need to find myself a part time job to get out from this hell I’m in. I need to be dependent. I need to leave.

Habang nakatayo naramdaman ko na biglang may umakbay sa’kin. Well, it’s no other than my cousins. Ana and Liana.

“Oh Dear couz, after cleaning the plates and doing the laundry can you please clean our rooms also?” Ana sweetly said but I know that she’s hiding that sarcasm on her words.

“Kalilinis ko lang kahapon ng mga kwarto niyo.” I stated.

Ngumisi si Liana at hinablot ang buhok ko dahilan para mapaigik ako. “Umaangal ka? Tandaan mo Malaki ang untang na loob mo sa pamilya na ‘to. Might as well serve your purpose. Pinapaaral ka na nga at pinapalamon.”

Gusto kong sumumbat. Gusto kong sabihin na tumutulong ako at ginagawa ko naman ang pinapagawa nila pero minsan ay umaabuso na. gusto kong lumaban. They can’t just treat me like this! They can’t just do this. Tao ako. I have emotions I have feelings. Nasasaktan din ako at napapagod gusto kong sabihin gusto kong ipamukha sa kanya ngunit, ngunit, hindi maari.

My hands are tied and I’m slowly drowning from all of this.

I’m drowning.

I’m fading.

Binitawan ni Liana ang buhok ko at saka umalis na sila. Tinignan ko ang mga pingan na nasa lababo at ang mga labahin.

Well hello life. Hello fate. Hello reality. Hello world. Are you enjoying all of this? Because Damn, I can’t

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