13th REAPER

6| What I lost

What is happening?

I heard the sound of the rain outside. I felt the wind knocking the classroom’s window as it blows. The blue sky was replaced with a gloomy, dark gray sky. I heard the roar of thunder as it rains. The bird that I saw a moment ago was gone and the most shocking moment for me was, Ms. Lawrence, our new teacher in this semester was lying cold on the floor lifeless.

I feel like I was in a horror movie and I’m facing the killer right now. With my eyes full of fears and my shaking hands I look at Archelaus who’s now sitting in his chair. His two feet was over his table swaying side by side and his hands were inside his pocket.

How can he relax like this? Is he insane? He just killed someone?!

My breathing became uneven. Hindi pa ako natakot ng ganito sa tana ng buhay ko. Ni hindi ko maramdaman ang mga tuhod ko at nanghihina ako.

Archelaus’ eyes met mine and he smile. What?! How can he smile like nothing happened?

“Afraid, Serene?” He said and I saw a flash of lightning outside the window and it made me shiver.

“Sinong hindi matatakot sa nangyayari ngayon?!” hindi ko mapigilan na maibulalas. Iba ito sa mga naging karanasan ko. Hindi ito tungkol sa’kin kundi tungkol sa ibang tao. How should explain this? Would someone believe me if I tell them the truth?

“Murders happen everyday, Serene we are not just aware of it and everyday, people die. It’s a natural scene for me and soon it will be for you.”

“What do you mean by that? You’re going to kill someone? infornt of me? again?!” Ilang beses akong huminga ng malalim. “At bakit ka ba hindi natatakot? People who know Ms. Lawrence are going to find her and sooner or later they will realize that you’re a killer.”

“Relax, honey. Stop worrying.” He chuckles. “I already take care of that. Besides I didn’t murder someone I’m just bring the dead back to his death simple.”

“Hindi kita maintindihan. Sino ka nga ba talaga?” Umiiling na sabi ko at halata sa boses ko ang takot.

Hindi sinagot ni Archelaus ang tanong ko. Ipinikit ko ang aking mga mata at saka huminga ng malalim para pakalmahahin ang puso ko.

Matapos ang ilang minuto ay binuksan ko ulit ang aking mata at bigla kong ikinagulat nang wala na ang katawan ni Ms. Lawrence sa harapan ko. Marahas akong napatingin sa upuan ni Archelaus. He’s still sitting there and how could the body move in just few seconds?

Something is not right. I need to get out. I need to run.

I was trying to get up when the door opens and my classmates made their way to their own chairs. Kahit nangingig ay sinubukan kong makatayo at sumandal sa pader malapit sa pintuan. Some of my classmates are giving me weird glances but that’s not my concern right now. I need to tell them that Ms. Lawrence is dead. Not all of them at least just one. I just need one person.

I know it’s not my concern but I can’t just leave it alone. A person died infront of me! I saw it with my own two eyes!

Nakita kong lumapit si Eric sa’kin at inabutan niya ako ng tubig na malugod kong tinangap. “Anong nangyayari sa’yo, Snow?” tanong niya sa’kin.

“Ms. Lawrence…” I whispered to him afraid that Archelaus might hear me.

“Who?” kunot na noong saad ni Eric.

“Ms. Lawrence, the new teacher—“

“Wala tayong bagong teacher ngayon, Snow.” Punong-puno na pagtataka ang saad niya sa’kin.

“What?” Napalakas ang boses ko at napatingin sa’kin ang iba ko pang mga ka-klase but the only thing I’m concerned about is if Archelaus will look at my direction.

Hindi siya tumingin o ano. He’s watching the rain and thunder outside the window. Bumalik naman ang atensyon ko kay Eric.

“There was. Ms. Cyril Lawrence is her name!” giit ko.

Umiling siya. “Wala, Snow. Kahit tanongin mo pa sa mga classmates natin. Wala tayong klase kaninang umaga kasi wala pang kapalit ang teacher natin na nag-resign baka na nanaginip ka lang.”

No! I’m not! I’m sure of it.

“M-Mero—“

I didn’t finish what I’m saying when Eric cut me again. “You must be tired Snow. Baka masama lang ang katawan mo. Why don’t you go home first and rest? Wala naman ng klase ngayong umaga dahil may bagyo.”

“Huh?”

“Signal Number 3 ang lugar natin.” Aniya at saka naglakad papunta sa harapan ng mga classmates namin.

“As of now class nag-issue ang chairman na walang pasok dahil sa bagyo. I know may nagtataka kasi ang araw-araw palang kanina but we can’t really predict the weather. Parang siya lang. akala mo kayo pero hindi pala.” Biglang umingay ang klase at natawa. “Ingat sa mga pauwi at sa mga balak mag-stay H’wag niyo ng balakin dahil isasara ang campus.” Aniya at saka lumapit sa upuan niya para ayusin ang mga gamit niya. Isa-isa kong narinig ang mga masasayang salita ng mg aka-klase ko. Ang iba ay pinapasalamatan pa ang bagyo dahil dumating ito at sana raw ay mailipad ang school.

But the typhoon is not my concern right now. Bakit walang nakakaalala kay Ms. Lawrence?

Agad akong lumapit sa isang classmate ko na babae malapit sa kinatatayuan ko. Busy siya na nagaayos sa kanyang mga gamit ng hinwakan ko ang braso niya. Masama niya akong tinignan.

“May klase ba tayo kaninang umaga?” tanong ko sa kanya.

She frowned and rolled her eyes. “Wala. Walang pumalit sa teacher nating nag-resign.”

“Pero meron. Ms. Lawrence was present—“

“Ms. Lawrence?” puno ng pagtataka na sabi niya. She eyed me with a crazy expression plastered on her face. “Wala tayong teacher na ganon ang pangalan.”

“Mero—“

“Shut up! You’re creeping me out. Umuwi ka na nga lang.” Tinabing niya ang kamay ko na nakahawak sa braso niya at saka dali-daling umalis.

What? I—I don’t understand. I don’t understand anything at all!

Napatingin ako kay Archelaus na ngayon ay nakatayo na at nakatingin sa’kin. My breath hitched, afraid that he’s going to do something bad to me.

Run!

Hurriedly, I grab my bag and left the classroom, running. I don’t care if someone might think that I’m crazy. I saw what I saw and it’s creeping me out. It’s making me afraid. Afraid for the things that I don’t know. Afraid of the things that I can’t explain.

And Archelaus are one of those. I can’t explain him. I can’t decipher him.

For the first time, after twelve years, I feel afraid. I feel scared. I need to hide.

Nakrating ako sa gate ng school. I saw some students with their cars and their umbrellas. I don’t have neither of those. If this was an ordinary day, I’ll spend my remaining time here in the campus but right now is not that day.

So, I ignore the big droplets that are falling from the dark sky. I ignore the sound of thunder and the light of lightning that made its way onto the clouds. All I can think of right now was to run.

Run away. Hide.

Safe. I need to be safe and all I could think was my room. My room in my aunt’s house. That dark room who witness every part of me. That four walls are my escape.

I move my hand placing my bag on the top of my head as I run. Run as fast as I can to my Aunt’s house.

Ilang beses akong nadapa ngunit hindi ko ‘yon ininda. All I did was run and never turn back again. I don’t want myself to be involve with him again.

Nang makarating ako sa bahay, nakita ko ang kotse ni Tita na naka-park sa garahe ng bahay. They are home.

Agad akong pumasok sa bahay. All their eyes were on me. Tita was watching T.V and the twins was busy painting their nails with different colors. Malamang nagtataka sila tita kung bakit ganito ang itsura ko.

“Sa’n ka galing?” napakalamig na boses ni Tita Mia sa’kin. Huminga muna ako ng malalim para pakalmahin ang aking sarili. I need to calm down. I need to compose myself. Being like this won’t lead me to anything. I need to think this over.

“Sa School po, Tita.” Nakayuko kong saad sa kanya. “May Bagyo po kasi kaya nagmadali na akong umuwi. Ilang beses din po akong nadapa kaya ganito po kadumi ang itsura ko.” Lies. I silently mumble to myself. I don’t know what I should do right now. I’m not in my proper state of mind and I should think this over.

Lying is not new to me. I lie everyday but, I can’t help but feel guilty. I’m lying on someone’s death. I’m not different from them; to those people who close their eyes and pretend that everything is okay.

“Maligo ka na at maguusap tayo, Snow.” Nagtaka ako sa sinabi ni tita. After so many years she decided to talk to me? talk as in a scene where you properly ask someone and not shout at them.

Huminga ako ng malalim and bravely look at my auntie who’s now watching T.V right now. Hindi ko makita ang kanyang mga mata ngunit tila mas nagkaroon ako ng mas malaking kaba kumpara kanina.

“Opo.” I said and started walking in my room. Pagkapasok ko sa kwarto ko ay agad kong hinubad ang madumi kong damit at pumasok sa C.R. I look at my reflection on the mirror. May dumi ang pisngi ko. Magulo ang aking buhok at bakas sa aking mga mata ang takot.

Kaya pala ganun ang tingin nila tita at noong kambal sa’kin. I look like a garbage.

I heaved my breath. Slowly I put my two hands on the mirror and lean forward. I close my eyes asking myself why did I run? Why am I afraid?

Afraid? Well, it’s normal. What I saw today was something. Someone is dead and I’m there— at the crime scene yet all I did was watch. All I did was watch.

I tried to save her but I can’t. why?

Unti-unti kong binuksan ang aking mga mata. Suddenly, I saw the little version of me. The six-year-old version of me.

Through the mirror I tried touching her but I failed. All I felt was the cold mirror in between us. I smiled. Not the usual smile that I always did whenever I need to guard myself up. This smile, this smile that I’m doing right now is a smile full of regrets. This smile reflects me—it’s pitiful.

“Hey…” I asked. “Where are you?”

She moves her lips. The six-year-old version of me move her lips as if she’s trying to answer my question but I can’t hear a thing. Yet, I still continue what I’m saying. I need to say it. I need to let it all out before the demons in my mind eat me alive. I need to breath. This time, I need to feel alive.

“Why did you leave?” my voice croaked. I’m losing my strength. “Why did you left me here? I’m weak. I’m so defenseless why can’t you come and save me?” I asked her. I can feel my heart clenching. I can hardly breath. “I want you back. I want my old me back. My old smiles. My freedom. I want…. I want to live…. Yet why do I feel this way?”

Tears pooled out of my eyes like a waterfall. I can hear the sound they create as they bounce on the floor.

I look at her again. This time my eyes were full of anger. I want to shout. I want to burst everything out. but before I could do that, the six-years-old version of me move her lips again but just like what happened earlier I can’t hear her voice. I can’t hear anything.

She moves her lips again. She never stops. She always tries.

“I never left….”

“I never left…..”

“I never left….. you.”

“I never left you….”

“I never left you….”

“I never left you…. You lock me up inside your heart and chain me from the inside. I never left you… I never lost my hope with you but you lose your hope…. On me. it’s you who left. It’s you who forget. It’s you who buried me. it was you who killed me.”

I was shocked. I try moving my feet on the ground yet all I can feel was a shock of electricity making its way to my body. I tried moving again but fail. My body was paralyzed. My heart that was clenching starts beating so fast.

I can hear her voice. She’s crying. She’s hurting. Just like me but why? Why can she still smile like that?

A smile full of hope and dreams. A smile that is still holding onto something.

I focus my gaze upon her. She smiled at me, again. Revealing her not-so complete teeth. a smile that feels so nostalgia and warm. I want to cry again because right now I realize what I lost. I realize what I’ve let go. I realize what I killed to be like this.

Serene Snow, you’re the one responsible for your own pain.

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