13th REAPER

7 | Death

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I let the water of the tub swallow me and take me away. If I was on the sea right now, I want the waves to take me far away and let me forget everything. I want the waves to be my escape from this hurting, from this pain.

It hurts.

It hurts to realize that all this time I was the one responsible for my own pain. It hurts to think that I did have the chance to stop myself from this but I didn’t. It was too late for me to realize and too late for me to prevent it.

I was lonely. I know that already. I know that I’m lonely for 12 years. I don’t have friends. I don’t have someone whom I can talk and share my problems. I don’t have any family. I only have myself.

My solitude.

Umahon ako sa tubig at isinandal ang ulo ko sa gilid ng bath tub habang nakatingin sa taas at binibilang ang mga insecto na pumapalibot sa ilaw ng banyo.

For twelve years, solitude was the only thing I could ever think off. I need to distance myself; I need to distance myself from the things that can cause me pain. Because honestly, I don’t to feel the pain anymore. I’m sick of it. I’m sick of it.

Friendship requires deep connection and once you lose your friends you’ll be hurt and I don’t want that to happen to me.

When my mother died I decided to be alone. To cut all my connections. I forgot everything. Then, when my Aunt took me to live in her house and my situation become worse.

Several times I thought of ways how to kill myself literally. Why? Because I’m already dead inside. And for me, death is like an escape route I want to go. Whenever I’m holding a knife, I always thought of cutting myself to bleed and to die. Whenever I’m alone in my room and I could see the rope under my bed, I always imagine myself hanging on the ceiling, lifeless.

I have those thoughts. Always. Especially at night when I can feel the loneliness and the darkness that surrounds me.

Ngunit kung titignan ko ang mga taon na iyon, nagtataka ako kung bakit hanggang ngayon buhay pa ako. Nagtataka ako dahil sa dimami-rami ng mga suicidal scenes na naiisip ko buhay pa ako ngayon.

I don’t know the reasons.

But… maybe…..

Maybe the universe wants me to be alive. Maybe I can redeem myself. Maybe this life is telling me to live and change everything.

Maybe the universe wanted me to bring the old me back.

But the only question that remains is that: How?

How would I do something I can’t even remember doing?

Huminga ako ng malalim at saka tumayo na. Kinuha ko ang tuwalya na nakasabit at binalot ko ang sarili ko gamit ito.

Pumasok ako sa kwarto ko at naghanap ng pwedeng masuot. Kinuha ko yung black hodie ko at black leggings. Nang matapos akong makapalit, tinignan ko ang itsura ko sa salamin.

My hair is still messy because I didn’t comb it yet. My skin’s color is pale. My lips are pale also. I look like a dead doll. one that is cursed and forbidden.

Kinuha ko ang suklay sa gilid ng salamin at sinuklay ko ang buhok ko. Habang nagsusuklay, tinignan ko ang calendar. Today is December 23. Tumingin ako sa orasan, it’s already 10:50 PM. Dalawang araw nalang ay pasko na. Though I know from myself that I won’t celebrate Christmas.

Aalis sila tita at pupunta sa mga malalapit na kamag-anak nila habang ako ay maiiwan dito sa bahay. Well, mas maganda na iyon kaysa kasama ko sila. Whenever I’m with them I feel like I’m dying because of suffocation. Ayaw ko silang makasama.

Nang matapos kong suklayin ang sarili ko ay ibinaba ko ang suklay at saka kinuha ang cellphone ko na nasa higaan. Hinahanap ko ang headphones ko nang marinig ko ang patak ng ulan sa labas. Umuulan na naman.

I saw my headphones in my bag. Akmang maghahanap nasana ako ng ipa-pa-music nang may kumatok sa pintuan ko.

“Cousin? Mother wants to talk to you,” Aniya. Naalala ko hindi pala ako kinausap ni Tita kahapon. Pagbaba ko pagkatapos maligo ay wala na siya sa bahay at narinig ko ang ingay ng sasakyan. Umalis siya ng bahay kagabi at ngayon lang siya umuwi.

Ano kayang dahilan niya bakit niya ako gustong makausap?

Ibinulsa ko ang cellphone ko at wallet sa hodie ko bago ako bumaba. Natagpuan ko si Tita na gulong-gulo ang buhok at tila takot na takot. Bigla akong kinabahan.

“Tita Mia?” ani ‘ko na nakaagaw ng atensyon niya. Ngumiti si Tita pero dahil sa ngiti na iyon ay kinabahan ako ng lalo.

“Snow, umupo ka.” Biglang tumayo lahat ng balahibo ko sa batok. Hindi niya pa ako tinatawag ng ganoong kalambing. Hindi rin ako ngingitian ni tita kahit minsan. Ang tingin niya sa’kin ay isang pabigat sa pamilya niya.

Basura kumbaga.

humigpit ang hawak ko sa cellphone ko na nasa bulsa ng hodie ko.

I don’t know but I’m sure something will happen.

Uupo ako sa sofa. Isang upuan ang layo kay tita. Nakatayo ang dalawa kong pinsan sa likod niya. “Ano pong gusto niyong pagusapan tita?”

Yumuko si Tita at may ibinigay na passbook sa’kin. Tinignan ko ‘yon. The bank name that was written on the passbook was familiar to me; even its color.

I slowly open the passbook. Then, I saw two names. The names that brings thousands of memories to me.

Sanda Alexia Pascua and Albert Pascua

Napasinghap ako. Mom and Dad. They are my parents.

Agad kong binuklat ang passbook hanggang sa makarating ako sa pinaka-dulong pahina.

I swallow the lump on my throat when I saw the numbers.

Last deposit: Php 2,000,000

This passbook was the property of my parents. This money was the money of my parents. They didn’t leave me helpless after all. May pera na nakalaan sa’kin.

Unti-unti akong ngumiti dahil sa perang ito pwede na akong makaalis sa poder nila Tita. Pwede na akong maging malaya. I can go to different places. I can go wherever I want. I can be free!

Then I realized, bakit ipinakita sa’kin ito nila tita?

Unti-unting nawala ang ngiti ko.

Alam ko ang ugali nila. Gahaman sila at gusto nila sakanila lang lahat. Bigla akong kinabahan at unti-unti akong binalot ng takot. Napatingin ako kila tita na tila hindi ko na makilala dahil sa mga expression nila sa mukha.

I can’t describe their expression but there’s only one word I can utter.

Jealousy.

They are jealous.

What’s…..

What’s…..

What’s…… happening?

“You know, Snow. Ipinakita sa’kin iyan ng abogado ko noong nakaraang mga araw.” Panimula ni Tita at tumayo siya mula sa pagkakaupo at humarap sa isang vase. Nagsimulang manginig ang mga kamay ko.

Afraid.

I’m afraid.

“Tinanong ko kung may makukuha kaming pera galing sa magaling kong kapatid.” Pagpapatuloy niya. “ Syempre dapat may makuha ako. I was the one who raised you after all. Kahit na wala kang utang na loob pinag-tiyagaan kita pero, alam mo ang nakaka-disappoint?”

Humarap siya sa’kin at nabigla ako sa aking nakita. Ang mga mata ni tita ay nanlilisik. Tila para siyang isang taong nasapian ng demonyo.

“Wala. Wala daw akong matatangap.” Bigla niyang hinapas ang vase dahilan para mabasag ito. Napaigtad ako at nagsimulang manginig ng husto. Ilang bagay pa ang pinaghahampas niya. Nagwawala si Tita. Ni minsan hindi ko pa siya nakitang nagkaganito.

No!

No!

No!

“Then, I asked my lawyer again. Anong kailangan kong gawin para mapasa’kin ang pera na iyan.” Tumawa ng malakas si tita kasabay noon ang paglakas ng ulan at tila parang mga bato na tumatama sa bubong ng bahay.

“My lawyer said that I can have the money once, you’re gone.” Nanlaki ang mata ko at hindi ako makapaniwala. Am I hearing it right? sinong mawawala?

“Means to say, that I can have that money once….” Lumapit si tita sa’kin at hindi ko mapigilan ang lumayo sa kanya ngunit hinablot niya gamit ang aking buhok at sinabunutan ako ng napakalakas. Pinilit kong makatakas mula sa pagkakahawak niya ngunit mas hinigpitan niya ang pagkakahawak sa buhok ko.

“I killed you. Sorry, Snow my dear but I desperately need that money. Kailan kong yumaman. Kailangan kong maging sikat. So, I need to kill you. Wala naman magluluksa kasi ikaw lang naman ang mamatay hindi ba? You don’t have your friends. You don’t have any family. You only have us but dear, we don’t want you.”

No!

No!

This is not happening. This is all a nightmare. I need to wake up.

Snow! Wake up! Snow!

This is just a bad dream.

It’s gonna be alright. I just need to wake up.

But when I saw the twins gave tita a knife I realize that this is reality. Totoo lahat ng aking nararanasan. Hindi ito panaginip at hindi rin ito kathang isip lamang.

They wanted to kill me.

Tita and the Twins wanted to kill me.

For what? For the sake of money?

Bakit?!

Pera lang iyon. Tao ako. May buhay ako!

Kung kailan gusto kong mabuhay saka mangyayari ito? Kung kailan gusto kong magbago doon ako mamatay. Bakit ang unfair!?

Why can’t the universe give me a chance to prove that my life is worth living?

Yesterday I saw Ms. Lawrence lifeless body and now, it’s my turn.

No!

No!

“Tita….” Sambit ko sa nanginginig na boses. Pilit akong nagpupumiglas sa pagkakahawak niya sa buhok ko ngunit hindi ko magawa. “Parang awa niyo na po h’wag.” Pagmamakaawa ko sa kanya. “Ibibigay ko po sa inyo lahat ng pera please spare me. let me live.”

“You? Live? Why snow? I thought you wanted to be dead.” Tumawa siya. A demonic Laugh.

“Please tita, let me live.” I said as my tears fall from my eyes. Sinabi ko sa sarili ko na hindi ako iiyak sa harapan nila ngunit hindi ko magawa. Kahit hindi pamilya ang turing nila sa’kin we’re still connected. Magkadugo parin kami.

Pero bakit? Bakit kaya nilang itapon lahat ng ito para lang sa pera?!

“I don’t want you to live Snow. Simula’t sapul gusto kitang mamatay dahil pasakit kalang sa’kin at sa pamilyang ito ngayon at may dahilan na ako para patayin ka ako pa ba ang tatangi? I would of course welcome the opportunity. Wala kang kwenta Snow. Mag-isa ka. Walang taong nagmamahal sa’yo at ang dapat sayo ay kamatayan. Kamatayan para sa walang kwentang kagaya mo.”

“H’WAG PO! PARANG AWA NIYO NA! AALIS NALANG PO AKO!” sigaw ko ngunit tila para silang bingi at hindi nila marinig ang paki-usap ko. I can feel my body trembling. I can’t feel everything around me. Fear is clouding my thoughts. Fear is over taking my body.

Takot ako. Natatakot ako.

Buong buhay ko inisip ko ang magpakatatag at maging matapang para mabuhay kahit minsan ay iniisip ko ng mamatay. Today, I decide to live! I decided to give life a chance but why?

Bakit ganito?

Bakit kailangan kong mamatay?

“TITA PARANGAWA NIYO NA—“ I didn’t finish my word when I felt the sharp knife made its way to my stomach. Cutting out my fleshing and giving a way to my blood.

Narinig ko ang tawa ni Tita.

I started coughing blood. Slowly, I’m losing my strength and I felt the impact on my body on the cold floor. My vision starts to blurry but still I looked at tita and the twins.

Demons. They’re demons.

I though demons only exist on myths and legends. I thought they only exist in hell. Yet, I was stand corrected.

The demons are beside me after all. They are closer to me than anyone. They are slowly devouring me waiting for the time to kill me and when the opportunity comes, they’ll stab me to death.

This is not a family. This is worse than any relationship a person can have.

I felt another stab on my stomach and more blood came out. Napahawak ako sa sugat ko at tila gusto kong pigilan ang pag-agos ng dugo Ngunit hindi ko kaya. Hindi kaya ng kamay kong pigilan ang sakit.

My trembling fingers are not enough to stop its bleeding.

I’m going to die.

After all the journey I’ve encounter in this life, my final destination was death.

Napasigaw ako ng malakas dahil sa sakit na nararamdaman ko. Hindi ko na kaya.

Pain is what I hate the most. I want to stop this pain that I’m feeling right now. I want to stop it yet my little heart wants to live a little.

I need to run.

I can still be healed, right? I need to run.

That’s why with my trembling and almost cold fingers I decided to crawl. To crawl my way out of this house. To crawl away from this nightmare.

As I crawl the tiles on the floor became tainted with my blood. Hindi ko mapigilan ang pag-ubo ko ng dugo. Namamanhid narin ang kamay ko at hindi ko na kaya ngunit gusto kong makalayo.

Run! I need to run!

“Mom she’s still trying. How pitiful mamatay ka rin lang. just die there cousin.” I heard Ana said to me but I didn’t listen.

Kahit nahihirapan na akong igalaw ang aking mga kamay at hilain ang katawan ko ay nagpatuloy ako. I’m losing blood. I’m losing all my strength.

Nang makarating ako sa bukanan ng pinto ay pinilit kong tumayo. I saw Tita Mia’s walking towards me. Mas lalo akong kinabahan.

Takbo Snow! Tumakbo ka! Ilang beses kong saad sa sarili ko.

I suddenly felt my feet and I was able to rise from the ground. Maybe because of the Adrenaline. My blood was dripping making its way to the floor. I can ever hear their sound as they bounce. Hinawakan ko ang sugat ko umaasang hindi ganun kalaki ang dugong nawala sa’kin.

Umubo ulit ako ng dugo pero hindi ko ininda iyon. I want to get away. I don’t want them to hold my body when I died. Kaya naman kahit na nahihirapan ay tumakbo ako papasok sa kagubatan kahit na umuulan ng napakalakas.

Napangiwi ako dahil sa hapdi ng sugat ko na nababasa ng ulan ngunit kahit na masakit ay nagpatuloy ako. I need to run.

Para akong pilay na tumatakbo papauntang kagubatan. Nakita kong sumunod si Tita Sa’kin at hawak niya parin ang kutislyo na may bahid na ng dugo ko.

Takot. Pawis. Pagod. Iyon ang aking nararamdaman. Ni minsan sa tana ng buhay ko hindi pa ako nakaramdama ng ganito.

I thought that seeing Ms. Lawrence body lifeless on the floor was the most horrible scene that I could ever think off. But, I was stand corrected. This. This is the horrible scene that I can think off.

I made my way to the forest and hid myself under the bushes. The rain is washing away my blood and it hurts.

Bumilis ang paghinga ko at ang lakas na meron ako kanina ay unti-unting nawawala. I’m one step closer to my death.

Napahiga ako sa damuhan at napatingala ako sa madilim na kalangitan. What a turn of events. Hindi ako makapaniwala sa mga mangyayari ngayon.

I thought that I can reverse everything. My heart wanted me to live again. I began to see the hope I lost a long time ago but before I could hold it, it was taken away from me.

December 23, Two days before Christmas. Today was the day I died.

Well, it’s not that bad. I told to myself.

Atleast I can be peaceful again. Makikita ko narin si Mama at Papa. Hindi na ako gigising dahil sa sigaw. Hindi na ako makakaramdam ng sakit.

I reach my hands up in the sky. I want to touch the rain for the last time. I want to memories the earth for the last time.

Suddenly, I started seeing my life. How did I live and how was my life. Totoo pala ang sabi nila nap ag nasa kamatayan ka na ay makikita mo ulit lahat ng nangyari sa buhay mo.

This life that I live was full of regrets. Full of pain. At least now, I can rest.

Slowly, my hands fall down. I can feel my eyes closing. Pagod na ako. Gusto ko ng matulog.

But before I close my eyes I saw a pair of shoes. Someone was standing beside my body. I can’t see his face but for the last time I can hear his voice.

“Didn’t I tell you that you’ll see me again, Serene? Before the clock strikes midnight? Well I’m here. As what I’ve promised.”

My eyes were already close but my brain is still functioning.

I know that voice. That voice full of sarcasm and pride. With my last strength I mumble his name.

“Archelaus…”

And I left the world.

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