Trace of A Broken Lead

ten.deep

N  A  T  A  S  H  A

.  .  .

For all the days that I've spent with him, I only notice one thing. He's cautious, he doesn't lower his guard and his movements were calculated. Except to the fact that he break that cpu out of, maybe, frustration. But he didn't do something reckless. Yet I've seen his vulnerable state.

It is when he's sleeping and was having a peaceful night. I was looking at him, thinking of what would be my next game for him.

"fvckin' fact." he suddenly mumbled with eyes closed. He's having another dream again, it makes me feel envious.

Halos gabi-gabi siyang binabangungot, minsan galit siya, minsan parang mamatay na, minsan umiiyak. Alam kong hindi ko dapat siya pinapanood habang natutulog siya pero hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili ko. 'Yon lang ang mga oras kung saan naririnig ko siyang magsalita patungkol sa mga bagay. Kahit na puro salita lang at walang saysay, medyo naiintindihan ko kung anong panaginip nito.

Bumuntong hininga ako nang tumahimik na siya ng saglit. Tumayo na ako dahil nakaramdam nanaman ako ng gutom pero napaatras ako nang biglang dumilat 'yung lalaki at agad na napatingin sa akin.

"Were you watching me while I'm asleep?" he accused and turned his back at me.

"You're having a dream."

One thing that I've learned from him; if you don't want to answer, change it. Nakaupo na siya ngayon habang nakahawak sa mukha niya, sinuklay pa niya ang buhok niya gamit ang daliri nito.

"Did I say something?" tanong niya pa ulit na para bang hindi niya nagustuhan ang sinabi ko.

As usual, galit nanaman ang isang 'to.

"fvckin' fact." I repeat his words, and his shoulder relaxed when I said that. The sudden tension when he woke up was bothering me, I mean, nasasanay na rin naman ako.

Pero baka mamaya hindi na siya matulog kapag malapit lang ako, at mahiya pa sa akin. Baka mahirapan ang lalaking 'to at hindi matulog sa sobrang cautious.

"Fakfak," I joked to ease the awkwardness but he just shook his head.

I awed when I noticed that he was now giving an expressions in every joke that I've mention. Mostly, he would just ignore me, or glare at me like a threathening me. But he just shook his head right now, is that even a good thing?

Bigla naman akong may naalala kaya muli akong napatingin sa kaniya, "May ipapakita ako sa'yo."

Naglakad ako papalayo pero humino rin nang mapansin kong hindi siya sumusunod. I gave him a glare to tell him that this was serious. With a heavy sigh, he followed me.

Binuksan ko ulit 'yung computer at agad na pinakita sa kaniya ang nalaman ko. I pointed in one of the profile in social media who've posted about something peculiar.

"You have to do something about this," sabi ko nang ipakita ko na marami rin itong followers at marami na ring naniniwala sa mga salita niya. I typed in the keyboard again and it revealed his activities in his gadget, the man has been searching about our existence and all of the possible move that we're taking.

"But ofcourse, he got nothing. We didn't move all at once because we're divided in three; Blacks, Whites, and those people who are neutral." I looked at him and be was now giving me a knitted eyebrow, "Yes, he got nothing but he'll sooner find us if this will continue. See this guy."

May pinakita ulit ako sa kaniyang profile, "This one is a neutral, though he don't know something about the blacks and whites, he have something like us. He could be the potential target of this guy—"

"Stop," he commanded in stern voice.

"What?"

"You must stop this," madali niyang binunot ang pagkakasaksak ng computer at muling humarap sa akin. "Don't dig for your own death,"

"I don't care. I know I'm gonna die and this is the best way to help you."

"You are not helping me," he hissed then he avoided my stare. "So stop sticking your nose in someone's stink, get it?"

Tumayo ako sa pagkakaupo at mariing tumingin sa kaniya, "So you really do need a help?"

"At wala kang alam kung paano ako tulungan,"

"Paano kapag nalaman ko?"

"Then you're going to stop helping."

Ever since that day, he started avoiding me. I even tried to find his tablet or any of his gadget but he hid it somewhere that I couldn't find. He became more cautious, he's not sleeping in my presence. There are days that he didn't come home. I felt alone and lonely.

Ang hirap niyang intindihin.

And this day is definetly not productive. I just distract myself from creating a new game for him. Masyado ata akong napressure sa sinabi ng lalaking 'yon kaya wala nang pumasok na idea sa isip ko. Hindi ko alam kung paano simulan. Sumasakit na rin ang mata ko kakatingin sa computer.

Katulad ng mga nakaraang araw, umalis nanaman ang lalaki. Hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin alam kung anong ipapangalan sa kaniya.

I mean I literally know his feature but his name. . . I don't know, it feels odd to call him Priam. The last thing I did was that I was calling him for help, note that I was—again—almost r***d.

I want a new name, I want to create another name for him.

"Why the hell are you bleeding?" I panicked when I saw his bleeding arm. Umupo ito sa may sofa matapos ibagsak ang gamit nito sa sahig. Nilapitan ko siya habang nakatingin sa sugat nito.

May malaking hiwa sa braso niya kaya patuloy ang pagdurugo dito. Kinuha ko 'yung medicine kit pati 'yung first aid kit para matulungan siya.

"Mind your own bussiness," asik nanaman nito sa akin pero mabilis kong nabuhusan ng tubig ang braso niya kaya napahawak ito sa palapulsuhan ko.

Sobrang diin pa at galit nanaman siya sa akin. He looked like he was cursing me but he can't because of the pain he was feeling right now. Nang hindi ko na makayanan ang hawak nito sa palpulsuhan ko ay pinilit kong tanggalin ang kamay niya.

"I don't have my mind," I joke again while displaying my silly smile.

I make him lean on the sofa and with that single contact, my energy loses as I transfer mine to him. He breathe deeply while looking at my eyes, still confused.

Mabuti na lang talaga hindi nasayang ang pananatili ko sa lugar ni Mr. Walter, nagagamit ko 'yung panonood ko sa kanila habang naggagamot sila. Alam kong kaunti lang naman ang maitutulong ng ginagawa ko sa paggaling pero nasisigurado ako na makatutulong 'yung mga gamot na pinahid ko rito. Matapos non ay binalutan ko ng gauze ang buong braso niya.

Nakatingin lang ito sa akin kaya medyo naiilang ako. I bit the inside of my lips when I was done with it, I gave him a smile and started cleaning my mess.

"You were in a fight?" I asked.

"I won," he said nonchalantly.

"Yes, ofcourse." natatawang sabi ko at tumayo na para kumuha ng pagkain. Kumuha rin ako para sa kaniya at nang makabalik ako ay nakatulala nanaman ito.

Hindi ako nagsalita nang ilagay ko sa harap niya 'yung pagkain kaya agad niya rin naman itong kinuha.

"Why can't you just leave," tumingin ako sa kaniya. It was not a question, he was just thinking out loud.

I smiled, knowing that he's in his vulnerable state again.

"Baka habulin mo ulit ako," I teased.

"Don't make me,"

Napaubo ako sa kinakain ko nang sabihin niya 'yon. Biglaan, hindi ko inaasahan. Hindi siya nagsasabi ng mga ganon, I mean, it was just too. . . awkward.

I was about to say something when he mumbled something. Ang akala niya siguro ay hindi ko maririnig, nakatingin kasi ito sa malayo at hindi nakatingin sa akin.

"It's your birthday,"

"Today?" gulat na tanong ko at tumingin nga sa kalendaryo na nakasabit sa pader na malapit sa akin. I gasp in disbelief when I realized it, "Oo nga pala."

Muli akong tumayo at kumuha ng sampung beer na nakita ko sa ref, pinilit ko na mabuhat lahat. Nang makabalik ako ay nakatingin na ito sa mga dala ko, ngumiti ako habang nilalapag ang mga 'yon sa coffee table.

"Ngayong nasabi mong birthday ko, hindi ka pwedeng tumanggi dito. Let's celebrate!" masiglang sabi ko at umupo sa may carpet. Binuksan ko pa 'yung tv at namili ng mapapanood na palabas.

"Ikaw? Kailan birthday mo?" tanong ko at binuksan 'yung can of beer, ganon din siya.

"I don't celebrate birthdays,"

"Okay,"

Hindi na lang ako nagsalita dahil ayoko nang tumitig at pagmasdan pa ang seryoso niyang mukha.

Halos matatapos na ang palabas nang maubos ko 'yung dalawang beer. Medyo nahihilo na ako pero nakakaya ko pa naman. I clapped when the movie ended, I can feel that he looked at me.

"How I wish our life was just a simple movie," I smiled at him and leaned my arms in the sofa.

"Just think about it, if our parents was just normal, we could have lived a better life! Imagine, we were playing in a garden. Tayo nila Kuya Henry, ako, ikaw, atsaka 'yung kapatid mo. Tapos pinapanood tayo ng magulang natin habang nagluluto sila ng barbeque. Lahat tayo tumatawa dahil nagjoke si mom o kaya naman dahil nadapa ako. Tapos 'yung magulang ni Kuya Henry naguusap about bussines. 'Yung tipong sila Mom at Dad, naghaharutan sa isang tabi. Tapos si Beatrice at Pierre nagtatalo dahil nagseselos si Beatrice dahil sobrang gwapo ni Pierre." natahimik ako bigla at tumingin sa kaniya, "I'm sorry, mismong pangalan nila ang nagagamit ko kapag iniisip sila. Ganon kasi magkwento si Mr. Walter."

Hindi siya sumagot.

"Just think of how wonderful it is to be normal. What if Mr. Walter was just a good doctor? What if our parents was just normal?" I sighed. " But I doubted that they'll going to find each other. Ampon nga pala silang lahat. At kung hindi dahil kay Mr. Walter, hindi sila magtatagpo."

"You're blabbering nonsense things," tamad na sabi nito sa akin at nagbukas pa ng panibagong beer, nakakaanim na siya ah.

"Maybe I'm drunk," I giggled and leaned on his knee. Medyo gumalaw pa siya pero hinayaan niya lang ako.

Pumipili ko ng panibagong panonoorin dahil wala nanaman kaming mapagusapan. Hindi pa nagsisimula ang bagong palabas ng magsalita siya.

"I wished of that life too," napatingin ako sa kaniya. Nakita kong namumula na ang tenga niya, mukhang siya na ata ang lasing. Ang lakas ng tama ng beer.

"But our life is a f****d up." I stared at him, waiting for him to talk again.

"You're lucky, you know?" he smiled bitterly, "Nabuhay ka ng tahimik noong bata ka pa."

"Hindi ka ba maswerte dahil buhay ka pa ngayon?"

"I'm lucky to get away from death but it does not mean a lucky life." huminga ito ng malalim at uminom ulit ng beer, naghintay ulit ako sa kaniya. Hindi ko inaasahan na sasabihin niya ang mga 'to.

Siguro nga lasing na siya.

"My mom told me a living nightmare. Sinabi niya na agad kung anong buhay ang meron ako, kung sino si Mr. Walter at kung bakit iiwan niya ako. Pero iniwan niya ako sa kawalan at nang hindi pa ako handa."

Hindi ako makapagsalita dahil sa mga sinasabi niya.

"Hindi ako hinanap ng pamilya ko, hindi ko alam kung ano nang nangyari sa kapatid ko. She's fragile, you know? I wanted to protect her just like a good brother pero tangina lang, hindi ko alam na sinasakripisyo na pala ako ng magulang ko para sa kaligtasan niya. She's way too important than me."

Napalunok ako habang pinapakinggan siya, hindi nasabi ni Mr. Walter ang mga ito. Masyadong general ang sinasabi niya patungkol sa mga inampon nila na kahit 'yung mga plano nila ay hindi nasabi sa akin.

"Dapat magalit ako diba?" he laughed, a painful one. "Pero 'yung tatay ko iniwan din ang kapatid ko. Naiintindihan mo? Nagpakamatay 'yung tatay ko."

Kumunot ang noo ko, nagpakamatay? He was killed by the blacks, sa mga kauri niya. Hindi niya ba alam 'yon?

"He was killed by—"

"He could've survive that if he wanted to, but he didn't." he looked at me, pain was evident in his eyes. "He died because of betrayal, pain, and everything."

"Was it because of Beatrice? She was locked in a cryogenic chamber."

Umiling siya sa akin, napapikit pa ako ng bigla niyang lukutin 'yung lata sa kamay niya at tinapon sa kung saan ang hawak niya.

"May kabit ang nanay ko. Putangina, diba?"

My mouth gaped open as I stare at him. He opened another can of beer and drink on it.

"Matapos niya akong iwan, bumalik siya sa panahon ko nang walang naalala. Ni hindi niya nga alam na may anak na siya. She refused to acknowledge us and rejected my father. Why? It's because of one man."

Tinakpan niya ang mukha niya gamit ang kumay nito hanggang sa unti-unti nang kumuyom ang kamao niya.

"Her young version travelled in her future just to see one other man and not for her future family."

.  .  .