Finding Home

Reflection

Helena

There is a pause in conversation and everyone’s eyes are on me as soon as I stop talking. Cait and Merit’s expressions tell me I should have kept my mouth shut. I don’t see what is so wrong about asking Elle who the last person she dated was. That is until I see her face.

She looks so embarrassed and I can’t help but wonder if Cait was right. Am I really that big of an asshole? Poor Elle, I still don’t understand how it’s possible that she hasn’t dated anyone since our sophomore year of high school. We are seniors in college for Christ’s sake! I can’t imagine having a dry spell that long!

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything, Elle. That was rude.”

“No really, you’re fine. I just have been focused on school so it hasn’t been a priority. I barely have time for myself with my class work, it didn’t seem fair to try to ask someone to accommodate my busy schedule. And I’m not joking when I say I’ve had no one approach me.” She blushes again.

Merit saves me by jumping in, “I doubt it’s from lack of interest. I know Cait and Lena will tell you that you’re beautiful no matter what, but I’m a guy and I’m not going to bullshit you. You are attractive, so that isn’t the problem… Not that there is a problem, it’s probably just been obvious how focused you are on school. Guys are babies if they think there is a good chance a girl will shoot them down, so anyone who was interested probably didn’t want to risk it.”

Cait nods along, “I agree. Not to mention, they can be intimidated by smart women. I don’t have to tell you that, we all know that guys like Merit, Quinn, and Weston are the exceptions. You just have to find your own.”

“All totally valid points,” I agree. I can sense that Elle is still uncomfortable and there is a lull in conversation so I change the topic.

The rest of the night out goes smoothly, I don’t stick my foot in my mouth again and we all have a good time. I give Elle an extra tight hug when we’re leaving and tell her we should go to the mall, just the two of us, on Sunday.

On the drive home, I’m relieved that Cait and I are able to chat about the party tomorrow as if nothing happened. I love how easily we can move on from tough conversations and feel better afterwards.

Realistically, I know what Cait said was true so I don’t hold it against her. After what I said at dinner especially, I can see her point. I do get wrapped up in my own world to the detriment of my relationships. I promise myself that I’m going to be a better friend and try to ask Merit and Elle more about their lives when we aren’t together.

Cait pulls up in front of my house and I let out a groan.

“It’s going to be fine. Your mom and you just need some perspective,” Cait assures me.

“She’s just so irritating!”

Cait smirks. “I know but she acts like that because she cares about you. It could be so much worse, she could not give a f**k about what you’re doing.”

“Blah, blah, blah. You and your wisdom can get out of here now.” I wave my hand dismissively and climb out of the car. On my way to the front door I turn around and blow her a kiss. She mimes catching it and rubs her fist against her face as if she is cherishing the kiss she caught. I laugh out loud and go into the house.

As soon as the door closes, I hear a click and the light in the living room turns on. I almost scream in terror, not expecting anyone to be awake at this time. It’s only 1 am but my family are early risers so they are rarely up passed 11 pm. Hand to my chest, I gasp for breath.

“What the hell are you doing waiting in the dark like a murder for?” I ask.

“Well, you didn’t tell me your plans so I wanted to make sure you were home safely,” mom replies.

I just look at her, willing myself not to show my annoyance on my face. She must tell that I think she’s being dramatic because she says, “I know we don’t always see eye to eye, but I love you and I always have your best interest at heart.”

I sigh. “I know, mom. I just wish you’d step back and let me live sometimes. I don’t need you breathing down my neck. I can make my own decisions. I’m an adult now.”

“Sometimes I forget that you’re not my little girl anymore. I wasn’t trying to overstep when I sent you the application for that apartment complex nearby. I only want to have you close by when you’re done with school and I want to make sure you know your options.”

“When you do stuff like that it makes me feel like you’re micromanaging my life. It’s not that I don’t like the place or wouldn’t want your help when I’m ready to start looking, but Weston and I haven’t even had a chance to sit down and talk about the future after graduation. When you send me stuff like that it makes me feel like if I don’t choose the things you want for my life that I’m disappointing you.”

“Oh Lena, I never want you to feel that way. I’m only trying to help you. I know you’re stressed about the future, I’m just trying to help you so you don’t feel overwhelmed. I didn’t realize that I’m doing the opposite.”

Mom pulls me in for a hug and I let her. The truth is, I miss being her little girl and letting her make my decisions would be easier but I’m an adult and I need to take control of my own life or I will regret it later on.

“Now lets go upstairs and get to bed, we have a busy day tomorrow,” Mom keeps her arm over my shoulders as we walk towards the stairs and I lean into her. I never considered my mom’s side of things and what she might be feeling about all of this. It’s just another example of how Cait was right earlier today. I really need to take the time to appreciate the people in my life who care about me and what the do for me, more often.