Can't Hate You

Healing words

Dean

I had to admit to myself that I got pretty excited when she called me and it hyped me up until I heard that her voice seemed different than usually.. somehow her voice seemed so different to me.. like I could recognize it under thousands of other voices. I wasn’t sure what happened but she sounded a little serious.. it seemed like something happened. I needed to comfort her and I already knew how I was going to do that, knowing that Moon probably didn’t shut up.

She was standing on the corner of the street near to their house. The wind was blowing through her hair and she looked like a soft angel with her blue ripped jeans and her white, tight tank top. She was holding her jacket in her hands. She didn’t seem really happy.. she looked like something that made her worry was going through her head when she got in and looked at me.

I leaned in and wanted to hiss her cheek but she turned around quickly. I furrowed my eyebrows a little confused and pissed. What was wrong with her? Earlier she sent me pictures that almost sent my soul to hell and now she was acting up like that.

I grabbed her face and turned her around to me. Her eyebrows were furrowed but she didn’t seem mad.. I couldn’t tell what she was thinking or feeling but I was going to get it out of her. I was going to get it all out of her.

I leaned in and kissed her a little roughly because she already pissed me off. First she hesitated but then she kissed me back. I loved how fast I always got her. She couldn’t resist me..

I smirked and looked down at her, remembering the pictures she sent me.

She didn’t say a word. She only crossed her arms in front of her chest and looked at me. I didn’t mind it and asked “Where are we going princess?”, interlocking her hand with mine and kissing it. For a second she didn’t say anything and I thought I would have to get ja out of her with a kiss as well but then she said “I don't know.. anywhere.. as long as it’s far away from here..”. Her voice was quiet and soft.. maybe a little raw.. I already knew where this was going.

Sun

We were driving around the city.. straight towards the sunset. His hand was on my thigh the entire ride and I enjoyed his touch.. I couldn’t help but hold my breath whenever he went a little further with his hand. I couldn’t fight against the feeling that he was giving me. I put my hand on his.

I wasn't sure where we were going.. I was drowning in my own thoughts and thinking about how I should start the conversation or what exactly I should say.. he drove us up to the Hollywood sign and I thought this was only possible in the movies and thought I would think it’s cheesy or something but I actually liked the idea of us being up there in silence where we could talk or just look down at the city. I wasn’t sure if we were allowed to go up there but I didn’t really care because it made this all even more exciting.

Of course I was still pissed because of what Moon told me and I was going to ask Dean about it but I also wanted to spend time with him without worrying about anything. I was so happy when mom allowed me to see him that I didn’t want to destroy that so fast.

I looked at him.. his side profile almost made me gasp. From that angle he turned me even more on and I couldn’t control it. No matter how much I wanted to talk first, I couldn’t stop staring at his lips.. his eyes and his jaw.. that jaw that almost made me drip. I already knew that he could do things to me.. but I didn’t think that it would be this extreme.. I was definitely weak for him, no matter what he said. I already lost myself to him. He left me breathless. He made me shiver..

I looked away real quick and realized that we were finally standing on the hill... we could see the whole city, just as I thought.. just like it was in the movies. He turned the engine off. The headlights of the car went off and it got a little more magical. We were sitting in the soft darkness that made the silence between us feel less awkward... it was incredible to see how each light in several apartments went on.. I never thought that we could see it from here but it was really a magical moment and I had to smile.

He took a deep breath and was the first to break the silence that was already too long and disturbing.. “I guess you wanted to talk so.. that's a pretty quiet place.” he said with his soft voice and in that moment I just wanted to stay quiet forever. Not move, breathe or talk. It was such a peaceful moment that I felt like I could spend my entire time like this. Sitting in a car, on a hill, with Dean and the lights.. in silence. Everything seemed so easy and so small.. like we could control everything.

I felt his eyes on me but after a while he looked away.. probably because it took me too long to say something. He didn't ask me anything. I loved that he wasn’t forcing or pressuring me. He was waiting patiently... so I turned around to him. “What happened at school today..?” I asked a little quit and he raised a brow at me.. it was getting darker and darker with every second..

“With Moon..?” I continued and he sighed. “Why? What did he say?” he asked like he wanted to know what I knew so he could either deny it or don’t mention it at all. “Everything.” I answered and he sighed again. He turned a little more around to me and looked into my eyes. I was curious about what he was going to say and I felt like this was the moment in which I was going to decide what was going to happen to us.. fighting against my brother wasn’t going to help us. I wanted them both to accept each other.

If he was going to lie.. he was going to show me that he was only using me and that he was just an asshole.. but if he was going to say the truth, he was going to win.

“Why did you tell him these things? Why did you talk like that to him? He’s my brother.. not your enemy..” I said furrowing my eyebrows without even noticing it. He looked at me the same way.. a little more worried, offended.. like he wanted to prove me something. But he was serious for the first time. “I’m not afraid of him. He is my enemy as long as he tells me to stay from you and I love pissing him off.” he said and I furrowed my eyebrows even more.. “I could tell the whole world that you’re mine and what I want to do to you. It’s not a secret” he was more honest than I thought.. but he didn’t win yet.

“You can’t say these things to my brother. I don’t want the whole world to know what you want to do to me. Only I need to know that. Don’t share these things with other people. And he is my family. You shouldn’t give him reasons to hate you. You should make him like you if you really want me.” I said hoping he would understand me.. “Baby, I want you. This between Moon and I.. is a little complicated and I’m sorry for using you to piss him off but I knew that it was the only way to get him. I won’t say a word about you to him from now on, if you want that.”

I waited for him to continue but he only looked at me.. he waited for me to say something.. for my reaction.

“So you don’t deny what he told me?" I asked only to make sure. He shook his head. “No definitely not. He told you the truth in details.” he answered like there was nothing that he wanted to hide. I furrowed my eyebrows again not realizing that my face softened. “So that’s how you talk about me. Okay, that’s-.. I knew that you were an asshole but I didn’t know that you wouldn’t even have respect for me or my brother.” I said and actually wanted to slap him.. but this time really. He looked at me eyes widened. “Wait, wait, wait, I respect you. But not Moon. I’m dating you. Not him. And I already apologized for going too far so don’t be mad. That’s how boys talk to each other.” he said defending himself. “I didn’t know that guys say ‘dude I’m f*****g your sister, she’s calling me daddy, ain’t that hot?’ to each other.”

He laughed and that pissed me off even more. “That’s not how I said it!” he said still laughing, so I crossed my arms in front of my chest and asked “What’s with my honor? Oh my god, I want to cry right now.”. I should’ve thought about my damn honor before I started talking to him. I got a little angrier and upset with every second that passed. “Yo, you’re my honor, not his. Don’t break your head about it. Nothing happened.”. He was totally serious. “Yeah, for you.” I said and turned around to look out of the window although there was nothing to see.. it was only easier because I didn’t have to look into his face.. it was too embarrassing.

I heard how he took a deep breath.

“I like spending time with you.. I like how close we are.. I like that you're here with me right now. I can’t change who I am. You said it by yourself; I’m an asshole and I can’t act like I’m not. I would never say these things to somebody else. It was only to make him angry.. nothing more. I didn’t mean to hurt you or something..”

I looked at him..

“I didn’t care about my family, that tried to keep me away from you.. don’t give me a reason to believe that they were right.”

He looked deep into my eyes. “I won’t.“. His voice was quiet and raw..

“I wanted a difference in my life.. I wanted something to happen.. something exciting.. then you entered my life and sometimes I feel like I can’t handle it..” I admitted, also with a raw voice. It was so quiet around us that speaking loudly would’ve sounded like we were using microphones.

“You can’t handle me.. nobody can handle me. But I can handle you.” he said and I swallowed.. he looked at me with furrowed eyebrows.. like there was so much more going through his head than the current situation.

“Then teach me to handle you.. and don’t disrespect me.” I said and I was proud of myself for being so strong. “I will.” he whispered and I believed him. “And don’t.. give my family a reason to hate you.. because they’re already making this hard enough for me. I need you to support me.” I said looking down at my hands that were laying in my lap. I sounded sadder than I was..

What I said was true. They didn’t even give him a chance. I knew that he was a difficult person, a huge asshole and really mean sometimes but they didn’t even want to meet him in first place. They didn’t even want to accept him. It was like they already met him before. Good I understood Moon because he had a point but mom and dad really never met him before and were against it only because they didn’t want me to be with any boy.

“f**k what they say. You don't need anyone. If they make you feel bad for making your own choices and meeting new people.. or feeling good.. then they actually don’t deserve your love.” he said and I looked at him.. “You say it like it’s so easy.” my voice sounded really dry, like it was going to crack.

He was right but I wasn’t that person who could not care about her family or do whatever she wanted. I was the little girl who always needed her family and did whatever they wanted because she didn’t want to destroy the whole imagine.. and because she already believed that this is what life is about. She didn’t even question it and thought going to Starbucks with friends would be fun enough. But saying that they didn’t deserve my love because they didn’t want me to discover the world.. was a little harsh.. or not?

“You don't need anyone to tell you what to do. Did you ever do something that you wanted? Something you really felt? Completely spontaneous, without even wasting a thought about it before? Felt how free you actually are?”

I couldn’t answer any of these questions and the more I thought about it the more I hated it. I didn’t hate him, I hated the situation because I realized how boring my life actually was and that I was living in a system that I didn’t even want to be in.. I wanted to do spontaneous things too. They didn’t have to be dangerous.. but I wanted to feel alive. Not like I was in a dollhouse.

“You're a girl. A woman. Your life is about so much more than having good grades, fake friends, school committees and pink skies.. or people who tell you who to go out with or how to dress or behave.”

He sounded a little angry about all these cliches and problems that most girls had.. I blushed a little when he said ‘woman’ and I loved it when he was talking like that... it made me fall in love with him because he always knew what to say and he said it like he came into my life to help me. Like an angel. I could’ve listened to his voice vor hours..

“Don't listen to anybody. Do what you feel like doing.” he added, leaning in and he sounded really serious about it like that was all he wanted me to do. I felt like he was trying to support me in life instead of making my parents calm down.. but he was right with every word. I was going to be seventeen and other girls seemed so mature and independent.. that I felt so childish and small next to them.

I looked at him... we only kept looking at each other for a while in the silence that he caused. It wasn’t awkward or something.. it was beautiful. It gave me time to think of what he said and him a little bit time to wait for me to say something. I could see that he was trying to find out what I was thinking about. He was studying my face. I was thinking of each word he said and no matter how much I wanted to make myself believe that he was wrong and I couldn’t just handle on my own, at the end I always cane to the conclusion that he was right.

I couldn’t change it. I couldn’t change him. Even if I still should’ve been mad at him for what he’s done.. I just couldn’t. He also apologized.. and I never thought he would do that. He was still an asshole but he knew how to make me less mad.. he knew exactly what to say..

And now I was going to do something that I wanted. Something that I felt like doing. Without wasting a thought about it.. without thinking about the consequences or the reasons.

I gently cupped his face and kissed him.. first carefully but then a little more passionately. He kissed me back within seconds and in that moment I could feel how meaningful it was.. for both of us.

With each second that passed I realized how true his words really were. I didn’t want them to rule my life anymore.. I didn’t want to live in this plastic life anymore..

Our kiss got a little more heated.. his tongue played with mine and I couldn’t suppress the feeling between my legs.. or in my stomach.. He put his hand on my thigh and ran his hand through my hair. My high blood pressure made my head spin. My heart started beating faster.. his touch was making me feel like I was on a roller coaster of feelings that I’ve never felt before..

Maybe I was stupid and naive.. trusting him so easily, sending him these pictures, being so close to him after such a short time and telling him about my problems.. but that was all I wanted. I wanted to get close to him and get to know him even more. Other teens were probably doing the same as us in the same moment and none of them was going die from it. Other people were getting intimate on the first day of meeting somebody and their life wasn’t destroyed and they weren’t going to die. So what was I so afraid of?

He made me crawl over to get on his lap with one leg on each side. He grabbed my waist and squeezed ist and I couldn’t explain myself why but I loved it when he did that. I loved that feeling. I started breathing faster and my hands were shaking.. I was getting nervous.. especially when his hands went down to my butt but he knew exactly what he was doing..

Then he grabbed my face with one hand and started kissing my neck. I loved his big hands and his lips on my neck.. it was a feeling that I couldn’t explain. It made my eyes roll back. He was really rough but I liked that.. I guessed that was what I loved so much about him. I didn’t like it when my family tried to control me but when he was dominant and controlling I was getting weak immediately..

A little moan escaped my mouth.. I could feel his smile..

He slid his hands beneath my tank top and I got goosebumps. In that moment I just wanted him to rip it off of me. He left me breathless again. I grabbed his hair and closed my eyes only living the moment for once... not caring about anything or anyone else.. thinking about only him..

Then I accidentally honked with my butt and we both bursted out in laughter.

Moon

I decided to drive around to calm down and think of something else but I could still feel the fire all over my body. The things he said didn't want to leave my head. I wanted to go crazy or destroy anything but that wasn’t going to help me. I needed something else.

She was so dumb.. so dumb that she believed everything he said. She needed to trust me instead of him.. but she was so stupid. If the things he said were true than I was probably going kill myself instead of him. Sun was still a baby in my eyes and thinking of them together made me feel so sick that I almost threw up in my car. But before I left I saw that look in her eyes after I told her everything.. the doubt.. she believed me.

My ringing phone brought me out of my thoughts. It was Skylar.. as if she knew what I needed.

“I'm sorry for bothering.. Just wanted to ask-...” I interrupted her. “Where are you?” my voice was too deep.. I was still breathing heavily. “Uhm.. at home. Is everything okay?” my hands were shaking. Why was I like this? “Are you alone?” I asked her immediately. I needed to get my anger out. “Yeah my parents went out-..”I interrupted her again. “Okay, be naked when I arrive.”

Skylar

He hung up before I could say a word. My jaw dropped and I was totally confused. I was asking myself if I understood him well or if the connection was too poor to let me understand what he really said. My heart started beating with the thought of it because until now we both never talked about being close.. we never really flirted or anything close to that because I was too shy and we were like friends so there was nothing to talk about. It’s not like I didn’t want it, I only never thought it would happen, especially all of sudden.

He sounded so angry.. maybe he was drunk. I was confused and excited at the same time although I should be none of that. We were on our way to getting close friends or at least figuring out what this between us was because we both knew that it was more than friendship but this came out of nowhere and caught me off guard..

I wanted to scream. It was like a dream. He was a dream. Even if he never showed that much interest, he already made me fall in love with him more and more with every day that we spent together.. how could I not fall in love with him? He was every girls dream and he wanted me.. I got so nervous that my hands started shaking.

The doorbell rang. I literally ran towards the door and opened it quickly. He rushed in while I was still trying to figure out what was going on. Everything happened so fast. I knew that he was this kind of boy but I never thought I would get to see that side of him..

Before any warning, he just kissed me and pulled off my top... of course I kissed him back after realizing what was actually happening. Then he picked me up and carried me upstairs to my room like he already knew where it was, not interrupting his rough kisses..